Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Poison Mind.

My mind is so poisonness right now!  Omg how do you spell that?  Poison is spelled poison but poisoness is not spelled that way and spellcheck doesn't know it.  WHAT THE FUCK???  Found it.  Poisonous.  BOOM.  Greaaaat.  Well so anyway I stopped taking the medication and since it took a couple of weeks to build up and start to make me crazy I guess it will take a couple of weeks to stop.  I am so negative in my head and jealous and just a basic dark, ungrateful outlook.  It feels terrible in my body - so toxic.  I can not have gone through this whole year of treatment to not appreciate being alive!  I have so much to be grateful for!  I did pray and meditate today and I got a good night's sleep.....I managed to do the work I needed to do for my show tonight and I have the kids this afternoon which I am looking forward to.  I went to my class yesterday and it was just so amazing.  He is fucking 96 years old and his mind is sharp and he is still an EXCELLENT teacher.  I almost started crying when he came in the room.  They lost the studio somehow so he is teaching in his apartment and it's like a museum in there!  All these pictures of him and his wife with all these famous people - candid photos too so they are so special.  It's one of those HUMOGOUS old NYC apartments - huge - like a house but an apartment.  Old AS FUCK but so fantastic.  There's a laundry room!  Fucking nuts.  So it was great and I learned a ton and was filled up with love and inspiration.  I had chemo yesterday morning which was fine - they had to put it in my hand and the first vein didn't work so they had to stick me twice.  I'm so glad still though that I don't have that port.  Go ahead and stick me - fuck that shit.  So anyway I was hoping if I wrote on here I could get some of the poison out of my mind.  I feel a little bit better and I am sure after I hang out with the kids and stop thinking about myself I will also feel better.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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