Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Crying.

I just off the phone with my Mother - she wants me to come for my Father's birthday but I really don't want to.  My little sister is going to be there with her kids - I don't know - the poor dog and I just - I feel so embarrassed and sad.  I want to see my God baby but I don't know.  I can't handle it.  Couldn't there just be one good thing that I'm good at so I don't care what anyone thinks or feel like I contribute somehow?  Holy fuck I am feeling sorry for myself.  I stood on my head and I meditated.  My mother asked if it was time for me to just move back yet.  And do what?  I don't know - holy fucking depressingness.  Maybe I should go get some dark chocolate.  I just feel unloved - so raw.  Once again I feel like what is the fucking point?  I have an audition tomorrow night but I can't afford to go to White Plains.  I also have another one but it's at 6:00 and no one can cover me.  So.  Well to be honest I'm afraid to ask the owner but as far as I can tell the other 2 girls can't.  Okay - so big deal if I can't go to these auditions.  Okay I have to do something to make myself feel better.  I'm going to go get some chocolate.  I don't want to go outside.  Bye.

Okay - I think I really give up.

I mean - I don't give up on being sober but I can't chase this dream anymore.  I'm too old and it's too hard and it's not happening.  Okay - I just have to let it go.  It's just - that's it.  I mean I told myself I wouldn't stop unless I tried everything and that meant getting sober too.  I knew that unless I was sober I wasn't really going to be able to say I really tried everything.  I'm sober and not only has that not helped - it hasn't helped.  What?  Well I don't know - I'm not bearing any fruit.  What?  I need health insurance and a savings plan and some kind of life.  Okay - so - so I think that's it.  I mean - oh well - whatever right?  So I need to find something else I can do.  I just looked into substituting but that's over until September.  Then there is becoming a NYC Teaching Fellow.  Okay - okay - that's something.  What else?  I called again about the cigarette smoke and she said to call back Thursday.  My clothes smell like smoke - gross.  I should go stand on my head.  I'm going to do that.  I need to get upside down.  Okay.  Bye.  I guess whatever I do I just have to do it from a place of power.  Okay - first positive thought I have had all day.  WOW.  Good.  Okay.

Oops.

A lady just came in and she was dripping her umbrella all over the floor and I said there is an umbrella stand and she said "No - no - it's not raining."  Oh - okay - so before you came in here and closed your umbrella - you just had it over your head because the clouds are too much for you today?  Plus - hello - you are dripping water everywhere!  Then she hands me something and demands how much it is - like all women who come in here and fucking REFUSE to wear their fucking glasses.  Then she left and mumbled something about "Well obviously I don't want to stay here" puts her umbrella back up over her head and walks back out into the rain.  I just am not doing well here lately.  I can't stop thinking about my friend who said I haven't gotten another job because "I do things more slowly."  Oh dear -not good - I know - I'm going to take some midol.  Yes.  Okay.  Bye for the 3rd time.

It just seems too hard to get it back.

I can't get back any momentum and I feel so discouraged after yesterday.  Something has to change - I need a different job, a boyfriend - a fucking LIFE for fuck's sake.  I have a bad attitude.  I'm doing exactly what I want to do right?  Maybe I need another program too.  Maybe 2 isn't enough.  I wish I could go to a meeting right now.  Okay bye again.

Oh dear.

I'm down today - what am I doing?  All I do is obsess about myself - how in the world am I being of service?  I'm lonely and the cigarette smoke was so bad all night last night and this morning.  I don't know - I really don't.  I think maybe I should just move and go back to school.  The dog is still alive so that's wonderful.  I gave her some rice last night and she loved that.  It's raining.  I'm just lonely and sick of being poor.  Feeling poor I guess.  Okay - well - so there you go.  I took a shower today - I prayed & meditated - I just ate a beautiful, super healthy meal.  I guess I should call about the smoking super.  He keeps getting fatter too - how is that possible?  How can he smoke SO much and get fat.  Okay - well - I suppose I can only try.  Sigh - I will write back later when hopefully I feel better and have my whole life all figured out and great.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Okaaaay. Wow.

So I went on the audition today - shit tons of people - all of them crazy and desperate - holy fuck.  One guy was farting moth ball smells poor dude.  So - I did have compassion for him but I also got up and moved eventually.  It was running super late and they had me read once after I was there well over and hour and then an hour and a half after that - I still hadn't read again and I was supposed to have a British accent which was - isn't my specialty by any means.  Okay - so I wait and wait and finally I got annoyed and asked if I could go and the guy got so annoyed with me and he was the one I read with and if you can imagine the fake ass smile he gave me when I left - oohhhhh BOY.  One of those squinty eyed, closed mouthed super tight faced grins - THAT.  Awful.  Okay - so I learned a lesson - ask sooner next time and nicer.  I was like "If she isn't going to see me again I'm just going to leave."  HA - awesome - threatening people is a great way to get a job.  Whoa.  There was a man there who I used to work with at one of the comedy clubs I used to work at and I totally hid from him.  I feel so bad - he was nice but soooo gross.  One time I was talking to him and he threw up in his own mouth, chewed a little bit and then swallowed it - without even NOTICING HE DID IT.  Sooooooooooooo - sooooooo - EWWWWW - ohhhhhhhh - isn't that so awful???  I almost threw up myself when I thought of it today.  But I shouldn't have hid from him because I missed a chance to audition for something else.  I wonder how people deal with that kind of thing.  Then I went and did a show at THAT place where I used to work.  My life is like bad episode of the Matrix.  The place is actually so much better - holy crap - I mean - almost decent really.  He also doesn't work there.  You know what though - he's still going on auditions and working hard so whatever.  HE got seen super fast too - so - how about I don't judge huh?  I'm not really - I just didn't want to talk to him and I was hiding behind my hair.  I came home, went to that meeting around the corner from me and then came back here and made myself dinner.  I really wanted a hot dog but I didn't want to spend any money at the grocery store plus - hello - not vegetarian.  So I made myself black beans with red onions and fresh garlic, jasmine rice and I fried some corn tortillas and put avocado and mixed greens on them with the rice and beans.  AMAZING.  I fucking love cooking - it's so fun.  I wonder how much that meal cost me.  I can tell you this - I ate a shit ton and I didn't feel gross.  I would have felt so nasty if I ate 2 hot dogs and some potato chips.  Maybe.  And a pickle.  YUM.  I love food.  I just played my ukulele also - I found a book of songs so I've been playing them.  I'm so tired right now.  Work tomorrow and then Wednesday I have 2 auditions.  Fun right?  Okay - I need to do my dishes and get to sleep.  Love you Bluebie.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

So I lost my apron.....

somewhere between leaving the club last night and I don't know - today - I lost my apron.  It wasn't at the club tonight and it's just gone.  I would not shut up about it tonight - who would take my ratty ass apron?  It had a shit ton of change in it - by shit ton I mean like 2.50.  Okaaaay - so that was weird.  Anyway - I somehow feel better.  I'm just - whoa - I've already lost what I wanted to say.  Okay - it's back - here it is.  The dog is still alive and she's not cold because I just left her winter coat on her all day - so that's good.  I decided that besides just trying to have fun - no matter what I just need to stay sober.  I mean - I guess that's so obvious but here's why I am saying that.....I have been so bitter lately that I don't look better - blah, blah - all the things - like I got sober now I want to be the Queen of Fucking Everything, give me my amazing life and my amazing look and let's do this.  Okay - but that's not happening - except for the part where things are SO much better but who cares?  Nothing is going to be good in any way if I drink.  NO matter what happens - no matter where I go or where life takes me or if I get to act or do comedy or paint - um - be a doctor - none of it will be any good if I drink and I just don't know what's going to be if I don't.  So there - that's it.  I wish in some way it were a little more - CLEAR - like - hello - I am sober and this is what I get - EVERYTHING I WANT.  But sometimes I want the worst shittiest things.  I just want to be real and authentic and alive.  That's what I want.  I just want the chance to be a real fucking person and get to know myself and be - REAL.  As I write on an anonymous blog to I have to no idea who.  Ha - that's funny - right?  I just want to be REAL - not seen -just read and heard.  Well that's fucking fine - that can be just as real right?  I also realized tonight how much I judge others and how much I - don't have compassion for people - especially people who creep me out.  There has to be some way I can have compassion for people even if I am picking up on things that make me uncomfortable.  Okay so I have some new goals - here we go.

1.  Be gossip free!!  Woo-hooo - fun!!  Gossip freeness!!
2. Have compassion - a fucking lot of it.
3.  Figure out have to have insulation from people so I'm not so freaked out by what I pick up on.
4. Meditate for longer so I am not as sensitive to others and just life in general.
5.  Raise my level of self-care by paying my rent on time.
6. Recognize on a daily and hourly basis that I am not a victim - I have power and a life force and I am not being fucked over by everyone all the time - nor is that what everyone secretly wants to do (haha - that mad me laugh a little - even though IT'S TRUE - that I think and feel that way)
7.  Move forward and let my program grow.

Okay bye.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

What happened to my blog?

Remember when I made up names for everyone?  I feel like this turned from a weird fairy tale into - a diary.  Haha - that made me laugh a little.  The dog is still alive - she is literally bumping around right now.  I just got back from work - I worked and I made 138 dollars.  That's right - that was my big awesome Saturday night.  Sooooo - so I was lucky to leave with that.  I didn't work the first show but I did have to be the shot girl.  Um - it was so awful.  I mean it is so not the place to have a shot girl and - I'm dressed - we are all dressed in shitty pants and long sleeve shirts and tshirts - HA - shot girl?  Are you kidding me?  Aren't shot girls supposed to be sexy?  I was wearing dirty converse and old ass faded black chords.  Hahahaaa - oh boy.  So anyway - this is why I am writing - one - I feel very strongly that my looooong, slooooow recovery should be documented.  Why?  I don't know - I really don't.  I just know this blog helped me so much when I first got sober and it still helps me now.  That being said - I have to have fun.  I have to have some fun now.  I'm over this suffering blechness - I just am.. It isn't fun to sit at a comedy club and not be working.  That's not true.  I had fun for about 20 minutes.  I had some peanut m&m's, popcorn, nachos and by the time I went back to the popcorn - I was bored and upset.  Haaa - the bartender was like "You're back to the popcorn???"  Anyway - I need to have fun.  I don't know what that means but I know that it isn't there.  Help me dear lord of my blog - what?  Help me get work where I'm HAVING fun and it's not torture and where I MAKE MONEY.  Ugh - I'm so fucking sick of being poor - it sucks so bad to struggle so much.  Please - I know - Iknow I'm not nearly as bad off as some but come on.  Okay -s o how to have fun?  I need to go to sleep - I will figure it out tomorrow.  Fun focus starting tomorrow.  That's IT!!

So I feel a little better.

You know I should call this blog "The emotional up down up down up up up doooooown blog."  Holy Christ.  Well because I had time today I meditated again - for almost and hour.  I also took 2 Midol but I think it was really the meditating.  I just felt my brain shift and I felt better - clearer.  It also helped that there wasn't any cigarette smoke - which isn't the case right now - HOWEVER I just went and jog/walked in the park and that was glorious.  There is really something about working up a sweat that also shifts things.  Makes me feel so much better.  There was hardly anyone in the park.  It was drizzling and then alternating with sunshine.  The trees are all full and lush - it was glorious.  The fresh air, the wind - loved it.  It is a little scary when no one is in that park.  It's so woodsy and it just feels like a horror movie.  There was a guy doing these "running exercises" - going back and forth - side to side.  He had weird spikey hair - he was tall and had one of those backpacks that only has one strap on it on.  The cross body kind but without anything in it.  I mean I wasn't too sure if he was weird from far away but as I got closer and was rounding the bend and having to pass by him - he was going from side to side and then he says "oh - ope - just looking for a pocket of hot air - oh - oh -now it's cold."  Of course as he said this I went even wider past him and gave him a dirty look.  I don't care - I don't care if it's not nice - he was literally the only other person around for way too far and he was bigger than me and it's New York Fucking City.  What was I supposed to do - laugh and be like "Oh you are so funny with your hair that is confusing and your empty backpack!!  Let's chat - actually - let's go don the hill a little bit where you can kill me!"  As I was leaving the park he was at the top of the hill talking to a woman and SHE was weird and they both were super smiling at me.  Like big, weird smiles.  I mean I don't know - it was raining at that point and even though she was pretty - it made me so uncomfortable.  Even right now - I'm like what the fuck was that?  It just FELT strange - that's what is was.  I guess it's sad that we - I live in a culture where I have to be so careful but also - creepy people since the beginning of time have been smiling those creepy big grins at people and then sticking them in a basement for 5 years so fuck that shit.  Ha - they are probably a nice couple that just moved here and their like "What the fuck is WRONG with her?"  TOO MUCH LAW & ORDER - THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.  Maybe.  Maybe I've watched just enough Law & Order.  Okaaaay - so let's see if I have to work tonight.  Cigarette smoke - but I'm going to keep complaining until it stops.  Oh yes I will.  Okay - bye.

Less crazy more low self-esteem.

Semi ha.  So I got myself showered and dressed yesterday and to a meeting which was amazing.  It was a really fantastic meeting.  That's so weird I was going to write wedding.  Anyway - well - that was so good - it was good to get out of the house and I returned that underwear and bathing suit I bought for myself.  I can't afford it and I brought it back.  Okay - I do have to say that I saw my friend at the meeting and she is someone who I only ever talk to on the phone - right?  So - I tell her how inspiring it is that she got a new job and she gets paid twice as much.  She says "Well - you do things differently - more slowly - remember that house you lived in forever?  And that job you have had forever - I mean you just do things more slowly - I don't know."  I was so confused - I mean - doesn't that sound like an insult?  I was complimenting her and saying it was inspiring - I didn't say "I'm a piece of shit - how did you do that?"  But maybe I did - with my tone.  I just don't understand - it's so fucking confusing to me - or is it?  Am I just not willing to just leave that fucking comedy club and why do I have these friends - these beautiful strong women who I respect who are so - condescending to me?  Or are they?  I don't know.  I just have yet to get into my power yet in sobriety and into momentum.  That being said - why do I care what anyone thinks?  Oh this isn't helping.  Let's write about something good.  One more thing.  This is a woman who I do step work with and it feels like she has used what I have worked through with her - against me.  you know what I mean?  But why do I think that?  Because that's what I do?  I don't know.  Okay - I went to go to class after that and I was super early and I needed to warm up and work on my monologue.  I got off on a floor where there was an office that was closed up for the night and so it was just this open space - not to big - about 20 feet by 20 feet - you know from the elevator to the closed office doors.  So I sat in that space and drank my green tea and then I warmed up, danced and worked on my monologue.  It was AWESOME.  It was like a free studio space - amazing.  I used to have an apartment where I felt like I could be creative like that in - I miss that apartment.  Well - anyway - I guess I can try to give that to myself here.  The floors are just so creaky and my downstairs neighbor has such a grumpy face.  But what is that?  It doesn't matter how he feels as long as it isn't 10 at night - right?  So I'm here in my apartment having prayed & meditated, cooked myself breakfast, got a good night's sleep and I'm just wondering what's wrong with me.  Why can't I get it together and why can't I just like myself and let that be true.  I'm going to take some midol.  I'm going to take some midol and meditate more.  Or I don't know - I'm exhausted suddenly.  I need some self-esteem stat.  I hope this struggle is really worth it.  Sometimes I just think I am totally crazy.  Okay - bye.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Why am I not better? I miss being skinny.

I do - I miss being skinny.  I'm not skinny - I'm - plump.  Plump?  I mean I'm not FAT but I have - oh seriously?  What the fuck is going on with my life?  I'm just getting old super fast, the dog is - well - I have already covered that and her walking now is so bad.  She is really on her way out.  I - I got up and went to this eye appointment today and before I went I prayed & meditated and then I was so overcome by cigarette smoke - oh it's happening again right now.  I go to the eye appointment - cancelled and they said they tried to call but my phone wasn't working.  So I made them call me again and it was working just fine.  So while I was waiting for a new appointment I got a message that my work for tomorrow is cancelled.  My sponsor just called me and that wasn't helpful AT ALL.  What the fuck is happening?  I'm sore, fat, bloated, angry - what the fuck?  I work so fucking hard and I am miserable right now and - okay - I have to stop writing - this isn't helping.  I just want to be HEALTHY FOR FUCKING FUCK'S SAKE.  Is that really too much to ask??  Maybe - maybe it fucking is I don't know.  Whatever - well - I don't feel better after writing this either.  I should exercise - I'm a fucking raging, pissed filled cunt right now.  That was fun to write.  Best part of my day - holding the crunchy dog and writing that I am an angry, pissed filled cunt.  Fuck everybody bye.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

I'm hungry.

I'm so hungry - it's raining.  That's really it.  Bye.

Moment of grace.

I'm having what I believe is a moment of grace.  The dog walker is seeing the dog and I am at work - dressed, clean, make-up on and I have everything I need for the day and to go to my next job.  I prayed & meditated this morning and I keep doing yoga every night before bed.  I feel slightly less pms'y which is good and I'm about to drink some green tea.  It's a beautiful day and I just realized how lucky I am that this guy is not in my life anymore.  This is not the man for me.  He didn't respect my boundaries and - and why do I have to be mean about him?  I just want so much better for myself and I deserve so much better.  So I am having a moment of grace because the dog is till alive, I am not filled with toxic rage and I went to an amazing meeting last night.  I went to an audition and the lady was nice to me.  What?  She said I need a better picture and she said I was earthy.  I don't know - that was weird - no one has ever said I'm earthy which makes me think she was a little nuts but I'm glad I went.  Okay - well I am doing a show Monday night and I am avoiding writing for it so I am going to do that.  I am just going to take my notebook out and do it.  FEAR.  Yikes.  Okay - I love you Bluebie.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

HEART BROKEN & PMS - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Seriously - so heart broken over the dog, this guy (WHY I DON'T KNOW) and raging I mean raging pms.  My eyeballs are swimming - it's so crazy.  It looks like I got a boob job - maybe - or at least it looks like I have very swollen boobs.  I can't stop being so angry and resentful at everything and everyone.  I feel so victimized and like I AM NOT GETTING WHAT I WANT.  Do you know what I want?  Some loser who doesn't pay his taxes, has a kid who he owes child support for and doesn't live near and the first thing he does when he gets some money?  Buys a car.  This is the guy I am upset over?  Yes - yes it is.  I just want him to be checking on me - anyone to be checking on me - to care and guess what?  There are people.  My mother called me and said she would come and be with me if I have to put the dog to sleep.  My sponsor is being so nice to me - taking my calls - being sensible.  This woman who I am not that close with on Facebook yesterday totally chatted with me and was SO KIND about the dog.  The poor sweet little dog.  She does this thing when I pick her up - she puts her head on my chest - it's the cutest thing ever - so sweet.  So I'm not getting this guy who isn't worthy of me anyway and I just wish I didn't care that's all - I wish I had some power over it.  It's so crazy - he is just not there unless I am not interested and I don't need anything.  Who wants a guy like that?  You can't even HAVE a guy like that.  So.  So this is just a hard time - hard pms'y, dog dying time.  I got someone to look in on her these next couple of days - this nice dog walker.  He said she is in her last week of life when he saw her.  I mean - I don't know - she eats like a champ though - it's so confusing.  But well - she does look really - how many times do I have to say it?  Old.  She looks so old.  Everyday there is this man who walks by here and he is literally bent in half.  She looks like that only older and more frail.  I spent lots of time last night holding her and telling her I love her so there you go.  This time when I am losing someone - somedog - I get to say goodbye.  FUCK - COULD I BE MORE SENTIMENTAL?  Jeez - yes I probably could.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Do you know what's so fucked up?

I am so annoyed that the guy hasn't asked me how I am.  I sent him a message yesterday - he texted with me and he was very nice but I haven't heard from him since.  I let him live with me - why am I doing this to myself?  He's not my boyfriend - I have pms and my dog is dying.  I just want to hurt him that's all.  What?  I mean - come on.  You know why he's not my boyfriend?  Because he's mediocre that's why, and mediocre people don't check on you.  What?  Oh dear - this is bad.  I just had a yogurt for breakfast and an apple - that's all I ate today - and I feel like I am going to explode.  I mean - I'm eating healthy and I feel horrible.  I made a delicous vegan meal last night - okay - see - I'm crazy.  I'm trying to accept that this time is not good.  I should go get some dark chocolate.  I WISH THE FUCKING VET WOULD CALL ME.  Fuck.

Well.

Well so I went to the vet and he said it's not good - he said when a dog her age has seizures - it's not good.  He said they could do blood work to see if it's something that anti-seizure medicine will help with but if it's not - then I have to prepare myself for - well - putting her to sleep.  How else do you say it?  He said I have to ask myself about her quality of life.  Um - she's blind, mostly deaf, has arthritis and can't walk so well and now she has seizures?  He said it will keep happening - oh my God - come on.  Thinking of that poor little dog going through more seizures - and the aftermath?  She was so freaked out - it was so sad - so horrible.  So okay - so that's where we are.  I am sitting here waiting for the vet to call me and tell me about the blood work.  I already called there and his helper said he would call me when he had a chance.  That doesn't sound good does it?  I look so awful - I have been crying for over 24 hours now.  I took the dog to therapy with me yesterday and she laid on me the whole time - she hasn't done that in so long.  She is eating but last night - she was up and moving around and not happy all night.  I took her out this morning and this man said "Aww - God Bless."  She's not okay.  Well.  Well the good news is I'm at work and crying - so that's good.  I'm just going to have to cancel class tonight.  Why do I have PMS so early too?  2 weeks early and it's already SO bad - I am a mess.  I've already called people, I keep taking care of myself.  I feel sick.  What am I supposed to feel - good?  Thank God I'm sober - that's all - seriously - that's all.  Okay - bye for now.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Dog had a siezure.

I have no idea how to spell that and I am certainly not looking it up.  Could I be more dramatic typing that as a title?  Probably.  I woke up to her having a seizure at 8:00 this morning - I thought she was having a stroke but the vet said it was a seizure and I guess now that makes more sense.  She was laying on her side and jerking her legs and her tongue kept sticking out.  And she pooped.  Oh boy - the aftermath wasn't too good either - she walked around falling down for like 45 minutes - trying to walk inside the bookshelf and into corners - and she was whining and she wouldn't let me hold her.  She tried to bite me.  I guess if I had a seizure I wouldn't want someone clutching me to their chest that's crying hysterically.  I would have made the worst fucking nurse.  She's okay now - she laid in her bed, she finally drank some water and I just took her outside where she only fell down once.  I guess it's a blessing that I have the day off.  I'm alternating between being so upset and completely shutting down - it's so weird.  Well I have a nice expensive appointment at 3:00 and I guess we will figure out more then.  I have to say - that seizure was so awful - I haven't been able to imagine putting her down but at that moment when she was in that much pain I understood it.  But also - now she is okay so how fucked up would that be if I was okay - do your thing - give her the needle and then she's fine?  I'm going to go ahead and say I can't take this even though I am.  Holy fucking shit.  It's a good thing I'm not drinking or doing drugs anymore because if I was I would be wasted right now and I wouldn't even care - I would wait till tomorrow to deal with it.  How gross is that?  Why am I being mean to myself?  I'm not drunk - I'm not high - I'm here and I'm literally doing the best I can.  Aaaand I'm crying.  Fuck - okay - this is life right?  Old dogs have seizures.  What if this has happened before when I haven't been here?  Isn't that heart breaking to think about?  Okay - okay - well I'm here right now - that's all.  Okay.  Okay.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.  That was hard to say.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

It's raining.

How's that for a title huh?  Well - it is anyway - it's raining and it's been raining all day.  You know the hardest part about being an extra - and I don't even mean from an ego stand point - just from an actual truly heartfelt place?  I can't express myself the way I want and need to as an actress.  HA - duh I guess.  But seriously - wow - I need to do that.  How am I going to do that?  I'm in such a different place in my life - I don't know where I fit in - what my type is as an actress - I don't know.  I guess a Mom - I read very maternal but I don't know - I'm not one.  Okay let's move on.  I will have to figure it out as I go.  I woke up after a glorious long sleep and because it was raining after I prayed & meditated I made myself a beautiful meal of buckwheat soba noodles sauteed with fresh garlic, fresh asparagus and sesame oil plus olive oil because I forgot I had the sesame oil at first.  Sea salt and fresh pepper.  Amaaaazing.  Also I started to put Silk in my coffee instead of that Bailey's shit (creamer not booze) that I got hooked on from the dude.  I did set a paper towel on fire while I was cooking and that scared me.  Right after I did that I had the wooden cutting board on the stove and I lit the burner under that.  It's so tiny in my kitchen!!  Anyway - it was fun to cook and what a delicious meal.  So now I need to get ready for this audition.  I took my vitamins and drank a green drink also.  I am really going slowly into eating healthy - buuuut - at least I'm doing it!  I'm going in that direction!  Is this boring?  I don't know I'm stalling - I'm sleepy and I don't want to do the dishes or get ready.  Well - oh well.  Um - what?  Yeaaah - okay.  Well - this was fun to write soooo I should go.  I love you Bluebie!  You are the best secret blog EVER.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Cathartic Experience.

Ha - I don't know if that is spelled correctly and I don't care .  I also don't even know if it's the correct wording for what happened - but as far as I am concerned - I had a cathartic experience.  I prayed, meditated and did my readings that I missed for 3 days.  While I was doing my readings I started to cry - and laugh and cry more etc.  I had some sort of break through about not only loving myself but LIKING myself as well as forgiveness of myself and others and the TOPPER - turning it over.  But I was really - okay - wait - I feel like also these are the same things I am always talking about - maybe and for sure at least the same things I am always striving for.  To live cleanly and freely and that can't happen unless I like myself.  I can't like myself if I am filled with hate over other people - FROM 14 YEARS AGO - ha - oh my God.  I mean - okay - so - so what's the other part - ohhhh - right.  Turning it over.  I just have to turn it all over.  Love myself, take care of myself, let myself grow, accept where I am and let it go.  Wow - I just got so tired.  I decided it's nice to be here on a Saturday.  I mean no matter what day it was - I had to take care of myself and let myself recover from that work and not sleeping one night.  I just did my dishes - threw out some stuff from the fridge, walked the dog, took out the trash and the recycles and made myself 3 cups of detox tea.  I have an audition tomorrow so I am going to work on that a bit and then - well I want to take a bath but honestly - I think I might just need to sleep - just get right in that bed.  I'm a little lonely but it's okay.  I could be in a relationship and still be a little lonely or alone here - you know?  I am so glad I prayed & meditated - it really shifted where my mind was going.  Also - also what?  Oh boy - who knows.  Whoooooo knooooows.  Hmmm.  I also booked a show so I need to write for that to get ready.  So maybe I can get up early tomorrow - do my jog/walk etc. - get some groceries and get myself someplace where I can write before the audition.  I don't love the script but I am just happy to have an audition.  I have another audition next week for a musical.  Um - you know - I'm not sure about that one actually.  It's far away - I don't know - anyway.  So there - there you go - once again - for me at least - this framework of this program I am in has helped me to save my own day.  That's a beautiful wonder isn't it?  Wouldn't it be great if Bradley Cooper were reading this?  What?  Why?  I love you Bluebie!!

Lost.

I suddenly feel so lost.  I'm so confused - home alone on a Saturday night - exhausted and wishing I had a baby, husband and a life.  Oh dear - I just don't know.  I'm sitting on my couch watching porn - I'm like a dude - it's horrible.  I look so old - I'm so scared I'm never going to fid anyone and I'm even more scared that I missed out on being fully alive.  I don't know - this cigarette smoke - I'm sitting here and it's - okay - what can I do?  What can I do right now?  I can open the windows an dget some fresh air in here - I can take a bath, do some yoga - dry body brush, get some ice cream - watch a movie - oh WOW - I haven't prayed and meditated - really - in days.  I can catch up on all of my readings and do that.  Why don't I do that right now - that has got to help.  It doesn't matter what day it is - I just have to get centered so let's do that.

Okaaay - wow.

So I am home and I just ate McDonald's - I am so full.  It's 4:30 and I left there at 3:oo so I worked fro 12 hours and I'm pretty sure I'm going to make 85 dollars.  I t was fun and I learned a lot and the first being it's super brutal.  My shoes were so beautiful and vintage and so uncomfortable that I couldn't really walk - I had to switch shoes.  Okay.  Then it was freezing but not so bad.  I talked to a LOT of people - so a TON of cute guys - that was SUPER fun.  This lady sat next to me at one point and said she was so tired, she felt ugly and fat and she was hungry and wanted to leave.  It was hilarious and I felt the same way.  It was fun but holy shit - long - it was so long!  They fed us though and they fed us well - so that was fun and I got to see famous people and watch how filming is done.  It's intense - I don't know - making a movie - holy shit - intense - hard work - intense.  Anyway - I did it.  I really liked being around all that - super fun.  Also - I felt good there.  What?  I don't want to be an extra though or I at least don't - ugh - what's wrong with wanting to be the star??  I could have worked tonight but honestly - I am so tired it's like I'm hung over.  I feel crazy.  I think I might need to take a nap right now.  I was never good at staying up all night - never my thing.  Maybe I will decide I don't want to act.  I don't know - is being an extra acting?  I don't think so.  This one girl told me she's a full time extra and she's not an extra.  Actually - so many people told me that - it was so bizarre AND they are in the unions.  This one guy was SO sweet to me - so nice - so helpful - haha - took a picture with me - so great.  I felt like a journalist because I was just interviewing people all day and they were INTO it - it was amazing.  I think I need to lay down.  I'm literally shaking and I smell the smoke and it's not helping.  I need sleep that's it.  I can think more about all of this later.  This was so much better than waitressing but I don't know if I can do it!  Everyone looked so old and tired AND it's HARD - not easy.  Sleeep now.

Friday, May 17, 2013

3:00 a.m. call time.

I'm doing this extra work - sorry - BACKGROUND - and the call time is 3:00 A.M.  HA - I really laughed when I saw that.  You know who else laughed?  My therapist.  Holy shit - no wonder I couldn't act when I was drinking - who the fuck can do this?  I worked today, went to therapy, went to class and now I'm home getting ready to leave.  Holy shit.  It's smokey in here - actually maybe it's stopping.  Okay - I have to say something about it - it's just not okay but whoever is doing it isn't doing it to upset me but - I feel gross right now and my eyes are bothering me - that's just not fair.  I'm going to find out if it's the man downstairs but I know it's the super.  That man is NEVER without a cigarette in his mouth and he is in his office 24/7.  I mean - if I don't sit on my couch or if I'm in the bathroom it's better.  I have to stop writing this and just say something and pay my rent on time so I can complain about it.  It's so GROSS.  How is it happening again - seriously?  Isn't it crazy that I live someplace AGAIN where there is cigarette smoke coming into my apartment?  At least I don't have to worry about someone coming into my room, leaving the door wide open and looking at my shit all the time PLUS cigarette smoke.  How is this helpful?  I had some coffee and it made more tired but it's also the cigarette smoke.  EW - I feel the same way I did when I smoked - weird tired, nacseous and like I need to lay down.  Awful.  IT's warm out now - they can smoke outside.  Okay - I'm going to stop.  I really feel like I am going to throw up.  Maybe I just had too much caffeine.  I'm going to lay down for a sec.  Bye.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Whoa.

What a day and it's only 4:00p.m.  I got up this morning and I went to an audition, then an interview, came home and just changed my clothes and walked the dog and I'm about to walk myself into the park.  It's a beauuutiful day - simply gorgeous.  I just had a yogurt with ground flax and some almonds - yummy.  Last night I met a friend to talk about me filming her project and that was fun.  So - so things are very slowly moving in another direction and me not doing that extra work on that big movie worked out after all.  I was able to use this day constructively and after this I will go to a meeting and go to work at the club.  I can't believe I don't have to work there this weekend - how fucking AMAZING is that?  I hope this job works out for Saturday - I don't want too much free time on my hands.  I'm working at the store tomorrow, running to therapy and then class.  Holy shit - so intense.  Anyway - so - that's that.  I just got tired.  Off to the park - bye Blubers - love you.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Whoaaaa - what time is it in Blog Land?

I don't think it's this time that I have.  Anyway I have to write to say I just went to a meeting AROUND the corner - literally from my house and it was awesome.  I feel the same way I did yesterday after a meeting - BETTER.  I really do and I wasn't feeling that bad.  The woman who spoke has 32 years sober and she said the same thing that almost all the old timers say - she only has today, she goes to a meeting almost everyday and she's grateful.  That's all I heard anyway.  I came back home and walked right inside and took the dog out.  So easy - so amazing.  I didn't have to run around like a maniac all day and I was still able to take care of myself - now that is something to be grateful for.  I couldn't wait to get back and write about it - I was so excited and then I felt a little stupid being so excited that I got to go to a meeting around the corner and it was good.  But that's what kept me from going to meetings in the first place - thinking it wasn't cool - feeling stupid - blah, blah, blah.  Add that to the list of goals - don't give a shit what anyone thinks.  Seriously.  It was a funny meeting too - the topic was gratitude and this woman talked about how she was grateful she could change her own toilet seat.  Haha - she said toilet seat. like 25 times and REALLY loud - cracked me up.  Oh dear - the Grandma dog isn't doing so well - she seems out of sorts.  Well - well - okay - so anyway - I'm grateful I'm not drunk or she would be a lot more out of sorts.  Okay - love you Bluebie - bye for now.

Lighten up.

The last 2 mornings when I woke up my first thought was misery - my next thought was "Oh my God I need to lighten the fuck up!"  Then I proceeded to have a break down and then get over it.  Well yesterday I had a break down - today I just worked with my alanon sponsor and went back to sleep.  But seriously - I just - I just have to let it all go.  I'm not in charge right?  I mean - what do I mean?  I mean - I just need to let it all go.  I want to let it all go.  I simply can't keep living in the past, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do and my life is already half over - I can't spend the other half freaking out all the time - and if I was supposed to be with this guy - I would be - if I was supposed to be doing whatever - I would be.  All I know is what I have been doing has made me nuts and I just - I just don't care and I don't want to do it anymore.  So today I stayed here, stayed in my neighborhood and went for a jog/walk for a long time, walked the dog, heated up my soup, watched New York One, and now I'm drinking my second cup of tea.  The super's smoke has been coming through the floors all day but - well - what can I do?  I'm going to go to a meeting around the corner from here - this will be a first and maybe a last - we'll see.  I'm going to come back and pamper myself a little - take a bath and go to bed early.  I'm just going to take care of myself the best I can - be the nicest I can to myself and keep getting stronger and more away from that comedy club and that old life.  I am not working there at all this weekend - I have class and I took some more extra work.  This time I already know I'm working so that's good.  And if it gets cancelled again it's okay - I have just enough money to cover me - I guess.  I mean I would rather get to work but I am SO happy to not be there - at the club.  Anyway.  So - new goal - lighten up.  I can be lighter and still be responsible.  It's so important for me to be responsible.  I miss doing comedy.  I really do.  Okay - anyway - new day tomorrow with plenty of things to do - for sure.  Whoa - acceptance of the cigarette smoke - again - so crazy - some lesson for me here - I don't know but all I can do is accept.  I love you Bluebie.  I love you.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I made soup.

I think I'm going to become a vegetarian (which means what - I have no idea) and cook my way through this break-up.  I made soup tonight and while it was cooking I made refried beans with chipotle cheddar (or something) cheese, fresh guacamole and blue corn chips (I didn't make those).  This is how I made the soup........haha I am laughing - this is so dumb - anyway.....I put vegetable stock soup in a big red sauce pan - I love this thing - well it's a soup pot really and I love it - it's red and it has handles and it's white on the inside.  Okaaay so vegetable stock, three different kinds and colors of potatoes - the little ones - red, blue and white, a big chunk of chopped white onion, 3 garlic gloves chopped, fresh chopped rosemary, sea salt, fresh pepper, a can of black beans and some hot sauce.  Simmer and covered till tender and YUM.  Amaaaazing.  Amazing?  Cool I guess - it's cool that I can make vegan soup.  It will be really good tomorrow after the flavors marry overnight.  Marry overnight - doesn't that sound so romantic?  Ahhhh - if I didn't already get married once quickly I would give it a try again.  So I wrote to my teacher and said I was upset about what that woman said to me.  He seemed to respond well - well I mean he did respond well.  I went to 2 meetings today, walked in the park for an hour while I cried and talked to my therapist, grocery shopped at 2 different places and made myself 3 meals.  For breakfast I had greek yogurt with ground flax, raspberry stuff, fresh blueberries and roasted almonds.  Listen - there are worse things I could be doing besides cooking and eating.  It made me sooooo happy to grocery shop tonight - I felt so good when I left and I loved coming home and cooking while the dog bumped around and chomped on her food.  I have always adored cooking - adored.  So there is one thing that has changed since I got sober - I can cook now - in my own kitchen and I feel good after I do it.  I was walking in the park and crying and talking to my therapist - holy fuck.  But I felt better and I really was not okay - I really wasn't.  Do you know the manager of the comedy club sent out a picture of the floor of the dirty comedy club floor out today saying that we needed to clean up better.  When I left there - there was a shit load of people there still drinking their asses off - um - whoa - whoaaaaaa - whoa.  It's so over for me there.  Wow - I just can't do it anymore - I have completely outgrown it.  Fucking - A - let's move on already.  I bolded the A for emphasis.  I wanted to drink so fucking bad last night - my legs hurt, I was stressed and honestly - I was so freaked out - it was like I worked in a crazy fun house place - with all the laughing and the comics screaming into the microphone and everyone seemed like they had evil bad teeth.  Honestly - I was like - I can never, ever come back here again.  I felt like I was in a nightmare - a total nightmare.  Did I write about this already?  Oh - yes - for the last 3 and 1/2 years I have been writing about this.  Okay - well I need to wash my dishes and go to sleep.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Sigh.  Love you Bluebie.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

This blog is like the Diary of Anne Frank only I'm locked up in a closet inside my head.

Sorry - I know she wasn't in a closet and it was horrifying and scary for her.  But it's horrifying and scary for me and I feel locked inside my head.  They cancelled my extra work.  Um - yeah.  I actually decided to do extra work - which most actors refuse to do , went and got fitted and then they cancelled me.  Um - what?  It happens.  Why am I so depressed - I am seriously losing steam here - I feel so toxic and unwell.  Is this apartment poisoned?  I feel so - okay - I'm sore, I'm just depressed.  I thought this could be the answer to me leaving the comedy club.  I got a check for the fitting for 29 dollars.  At this rate not only am I not going to be famous - I won't be a working actor and I certainly won't be happy.  I wanted to drink so badly tonight - this is so hard.  A break-up, rejected from EXTRA work - what the fuck even IS that - fucking cunt from class embarrassing me about not having children - LIKE THAT'S THE ONLY THING A WOMAN SHOULD BE DOING - fuck you.  Ugh and the comedy club - the thing is like falling down around us all - it's so pathetic.  I can say that can't I?  What am I doing?  This is so fucking ridiculous.  What would drinking do for me?  Crying - I can do that already - plenty of access to tears.  Throwing up - no thank you - I hate that so much.  Um - well - that's all I can think of.  Look - tomorrow is a new day.  I can start over tomorrow.  I don't have to drink right now - I'm home - I can start over tomorrow.  Yes - oh big sigh.  I'm not having any fun.  No - no I'm not.  Oh dear.  I need to stop writing and just go to sleep - that's all.  I made a little money tonight - I can pay my bills.  I can pay my rent and I can pay my bills.  I always wanted to be able to do that and I am.  What?  How fucking retarded does that sound?  It's not though - I wanted to be responsible and I am.  There you go - I am.  Okay - good night - gooood night. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

Eating my way throught this break up......

I'm trying to get myself ready for this vegan diet and the only thing that is happening is I'm eating good food and bad food.  I just had a mediocre acting class, I'm lonely - I stressed all day about getting called for this extra work tomorrow - what the fuck is that??  I mean - seriously?  They asked me to be available tomorrow and then I never heard from them.  Christ - thank God I didn't take off from work.  I am really learning how to stretch a dollar - I will tell you that much.  You know tonight in my class this other woman in class was basically telling me how to act after I got done working - you know while I was still onstage and my teacher was talking to me and directing me.  It really made me mad - furious in fact - I don't know - we all say things to each other afterwards but - well - she goes - because my character is pregnant with her second child - right?  So this lady says "You don't have children - right - right?  I said "No" and laughed nervously.....then she says "Well if you had kids - you would know how important that second baby is and how everything should be about that baby."  UM - wow - right now - I don't even know - I mean - of course - it's almost Mother's Day and I don't have kids and I'm 41 and I probably won't get to have children - so - so that is heart breaking - right so I just got triggered there - that I can see....but seriously?  How fucking dare she tell me how to act - I would NEVER nor should anyone DARE fucking do that while in a class.  What the fuck?  It was a total cunt move all around.  Also THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME BABIES ARE IMPORTANT - I DEFINITELY DIDN'T KNOW THAT.  Are you fucking kidding me???  I feel like I really need to say something to my teacher.  I pay for this class and I do not pay for someone else to be teaching me.  I mean - it didn't ruin the rest of the class for me because I didn't let it.  I'm trying so hard to detach from being so affected by other people.  But come on - isn't this a place where I should stick up for myself?  I don't know - also - maybe I am done with this class.  I mean - my teacher went along with what she said and I felt like 2 people were teaching me - and she was being condescending.  I'm not okay with that.  I'm going to think about it.  Sleep on it - see how I feel tomorrow.  That's the right thing to do - right?  I got my laundry done today....I skyped with my friend....I jog/walked in the park, went to a meeting, talked with my sponsee.......ate a burger and fries.....did my homework.....for class.....well - so - so it was an okay day.  I just ate a pint of ice cream, some air popped popcorn and some other non-gluten treat.  HA.  2 healthy snacks plus a pint of ice cream = I feel sick.  Well - I can clean tomorrow so that's good.  What am I going to do if they call at 6:00 in the morning?  I'm not going - I refuse - I am not doing that to myself  - I emailed the company twice so fuck that.  I am going to sleep.  Good night Blueberry - new day tomorrow.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I can't stop thinking about what

my sponsor said yesterday about the guy.  She said that I knew he was a pothead and that I ignored it and still wanted him to be something that he couldn't be.  And I guess on some level that's selfish - right?  I mean - I'm mad at him for being juvenile but right away - before I slept with him - when he showed up for our first date high - reaaaally high - with his brand new laptop just in a backpack - no cover - nothing.....then just a short few days later he got completely WASTED and lost it in a cab.   Um - okay - really?  I am so shocked he was even as good as he was.  I don't know - yeah - I just completely ignored all that and was like - great - this is what I want - for you to be totally together and let's DO this.  What?  AM I making any sense?  I don't know.  I just really don't know.  I'm so confused.....at this moment.....in class the other night there was a new guy - so cute - sweet - turns out he's 22.  UM - WHAT?  Why am I so attracted to completely unavailable men?  Christ - he's not even a man.  I think he's gay though - I looked at his model pictures and besides looking completely huuuung (from his underwear model phooootoooosss) he looks completely gay.  So that's good.  What?  I need to get my feet on the ground - for real.  I do feel a little better today about the guy - I guess.  Okay - brain fog - total brain fog.  I was fine until someone smoked a cigarette out front and then my brain got all foggy.  Anyway - the boring saga continues.  I want to travel like my friend is doing - only for work.  I want to get work where I travel and I want to - be happy, joyous and free.  I also want a boyfriend and to have a lot of sex.  Um - I forgot what I was going to say.  Oh yeah - I think maybe the kids thing isn't for me.  I think I'm going to let that go.  I just want a fantastic amazing mind blowing boyfriend and I want my life to be beyond my wildest dreams and I want to feel free and like I'm doing what God put me here to do - using my gifts.  I could totally fall asleep right now.  Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Later now......

I'm home and I just did the dishes after I made my lunch for tomorrow and made myself dinner.  I took the dog out also - poor thing....she's so blind - she's so blind and she shakes herself off and falls over sometimes.  She's still so sweet - bumps around in her darkness and eats happily.  I woke up to her eating this morning - crunching away - it made me so happy.  I made myself a veggie burger with red onion and avocado and a little bit of guacamole with scoops tostitos - yum.  Guacamole is the easiest, most delicious food on earth.  Fucking so good.  So I am weaning myself off of my regular diet to start the vegan diet.  Um - well at least it's helping me to pack my lunch and I'm using all my food in the fridge.  I toasted pumpkin seeds forever ago and so I have been using those in my salads.  Um - yeah - it feels great to bring food - just like grade school only I like what I've got in my lunch box.  What?  I feel so stupid - I guess - about getting so upset about my friend.  No - I do - because I think if I took better care of myself and - well - listen - I know this isn't always possible but if I just took care of myself better by saying right away I'm upset - you know - not let shit stew??  I don't know - I LOVE her - so much - it feels so uncomfortable to say something to someone when you know it might cause them - to also not feel comfortable.  That being said - that's life - right??  I mean if I want to use my Tupperware again after it's dirty - I have to WASH it - right?  So if I am upset - unless I am going to be a complete turd about it - I should say something.  Also she was joking - she told me AND I had said I was uncomfortable - so - there you go.  Are you following this?  Are you asleep?  I also went on an audition and that helped.  I'm so fucking tired right now.  I went to the audition and I walked there and that exercise did my body good.  I want to dance again.  New goal - or one of my same goals again - DANCE.  I want to dance and use my body.  There was an old lady walking in front of me in midtown - it was so crowded and I was looking at her butt.  She was cute - but her butt was kind of turned under and she had bow legs - total ghost of Christmas Future for me - for sure.  So I found myself thinking "I would really like to use and enjoy my body before it gets like that."  Which as far as I know - she IS using and enjoying her body.  MY mother certainly still is!  So I want to dance.  DANCE.  How - when?  Here's a great part of being broken up with that fuck face - I have time to come home and make myself lunches AND dinner AND do the dishes and it's healthy.  I'm not waiting up till 3 in the morning for him to come over and then go to McDonald's.  What?  Why did I even write that - just writing it made me feel bad.  Let's focus forward.  MY toilet is possessed - soooooo loud - it's the craziest thing!  It started in the wall and now it's in the toilet - just water going crazy in there.  It sort of sounds like - like - yeah - like the toilet is possessed.  Um - I am so tired.  Okay - bed time ritual and then sleep.  Long day tomorrow.  Long, boring day tomorrow.  Maybe it won't be.  I have stuff to work on and figure out.  Okay - I love you Blueberry - you are always the same as I go up and down....I love you bye.

Not good.

Not a good day - not good.  I'm so not okay.  I tried to tell my dear friend that I was upset and at the end of it - I just felt broken hearted.  I have a headache.  I feel very sad about this guy still - I miss him - or maybe I'm just having withdrawal from his attention.  I feel like I just made it worse with my friend - I just don't think I understand how to have relationships with people.  I'm so fucking stressed out and lonely.  She said really nice, kind things and I feel like somehow she told me to fuck off.  Is that rational at all?  I didn't have the balls to call her so I was chatting on facebook with her - that never works that well - does it?  I'm really so upset right now.  And the most terrible part is that I feel like I can't even tell her - I feel like - I don't know.  She said it was exhausting to communicate - which it is and then at the end said "Communication - yuck."  "Just kidding - sort of."  It was SO fucking HARD FOR ME to say something - so fucking hard.  I had to talk to my therapist, my sponsor - I worked it all out and then she says yuck.  It just felt like she was saying I was annoying to deal with.  Maybe that's just what I would think - maybe she was just joking and trying to keep it light.  I don't know - I'm so sad right now.  I just don't understand anything and I am so upset right now.  I think I might be having caffeine withdrawal.  The lady on the phone I just ordered my tea from just hurt my feelings so I guess it's safe to say I am overly sensitive right now.  Well - okay - bye. 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I fucking hate everybody.

I'm so fucking grumpy - I have my period, I feel gross, I'm working so hard and I feel like I am getting nowhere.  I'm sick of being poor, I'm sick of waiting on people and selling rich, miserable people clothes and I'm sexually fucking frustrated and I hate everyone.  Almost every single person who has come into this store today has been a complete fucking turd - including this douche face lady.  Do you know the craziest part??  I feel like I'M HOLDING BACK!!  I just don't know what to do.  I feel so negative - so hopeless - so confused - like all I have ever done is make mistakes - this has all been a big mistake - chasing these dreams?  What am I doing - I'M OLD for fuck's sake I should just wrap it the fuck up already.  AND DO WHAT?  I have no fucking idea.  I suppose this is the last place I should make any decision and you know what??  I'M DOING FUCKING GREAT.  I PAY MY BILLS.  I TAKE SHOWERS.  I LOVE MY DOG.  I ASK FOR THEM TO FIX FUCKED UP SHIT IN MY APARTMENT - NICELY.  I GO TO MEETINGS.  I DO SERVICE (SORT OF) - I COULD DO MORE.  Maybe that's what I should do - do more service.  I brought food today.  I packed up a little breakfast and lunch for myself.  I don't want it though - I want - what?  To feel better.  Eating the beautiful salad I brought will make me feel better.  I'm gearing up to do this 21 day vegan diet - buying different foods and weening myself off my current diet which is - completely not vegan and fairly - unhealthy.  So.  So okay - I feel better.  I'm going to eat my salad.  There we go.  Oh boy - oh fucking BOY.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Milestone.

Look - I have no idea really who is reading this blog - I only know one or two people who might consistently read this blog.....that being said I find it interesting that I am writing an anonymous blog while also having no idea who is reading it.  THAT being said - I HIT A MILESTONE TODAY.  Maybe this won't mean anything to you unknown reader but for me - total fucking milestone.  I just broke up with the guy AGAIN and I WAS REALLY NICE BUT CLEAR.  AND HONEST.  UM - WHAT?  When I was drinking the only ting I did was make a MESS out of relationships - ugh can't even think about it - it makes me sad.  Last night at work when I left - he had texted me and said "Hello."  Which I never saw until it was really late and I was EXHAUSTED from a horrendous night at that place and I could not write back.  Did I write about that already???  Oh I think I did.  Anyway - this morning he wrote to me and said "Are you just not talking to me anymore?"  I didn't write back all day, went to 2 meetings, worked with my sponsee, shared at both meetings, talked to some ladies about it and - well - loved my dog and took care of myself.  Then I got home tonight and replied to his text and said I wasn't ignoring him I just couldn't have 1/2 a boyfriend.  Then he said he missed me and he wanted to be friends and I said I needed time and that I couldn't just be friends.  I said I wanted a real boyfriend and that I couldn't be talking to him and have the room I needed for a real relationship.  HE asked if I was seeing someone - anyway this is stupid - the point is I made it clear we are done and asked for what I need - which is to be alone.  Also - he said he would not text me until I'm ready.  Great - so I have just graduated from 8th grade.  WHAT the serious fuck??  Anyway - I was nice - I was clear and now - I'm open.  I feel like I am going to explode.  I'm so tired.  I want a real boyfriend.  I also think I should really just give my notice a the comedy club.  I feel the same way I have felt about boyfriends and different places I used to perform - where I just NEVER wanted to go back again.  I'm just done - I never want to go there again.  FUCK - I wrote that and then got a little twinge of sadness thinking about the manager who I like so much.  I'm fat - bye.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Okaaaaay...

It's 1:55 a.m. - I just got home from - yes - you guessed it - waitressing.  It was so hard - my body huuuurrrts - and I'm having some weird stress skin thing happening.  I mean - horrible - being around the alcohol - horrible - but now - worse.  What?  I made enough money to pay my bills and I woke up so early this morning to go this acting thing.  I mean - I did it - I actually woke up and did it so that's good.  I forgot my glasses so I could not see the form I was filling out and I did the bestI could and the guy was like - "Um - what's your name???"  all rude and faggy.   I was like "I FORGOT MY GLASSES FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME."  Then I almost took the door frame out with me on the way out.  Seriously I am clumsy to begin with but add poor eyesight and bead focs - holy shit.  Anyway - I did it.  I have to go to sleep - I need to call my sponsor in the morning and have her help me to help my sponsee.  The guy sent me a message tonight saying hello.  I didn't see it until just a little while ago - I was too busy to look at my phone and you know I might have talked back but I over heard dresser girl saying she had to talk to him and so - well - there you go - God doing for me what I can't and don't want to see for myself.  So - so whatever.  I'm going to go to sleep.  Goodnight sweet Blueberry.  I am going to get out of this place so help me God and from a place of power.  Fucking AMEN.

Friday, May 3, 2013

My friend called me and do you know

she got a job where she is going to get paid almost twice as much money.  Um - what?  That's what she did - she went and got herself a better job - a WAY better job.  So.  So I just have to keep going.  I'm trying for acting jobs - I sent myself out for 2 parts while I was AT WORK last night.  I can do that from my phone.  If I get a new picture I can send it to that man who said I would be right for commercials - that he liked my read.  So - okay.  Am I lying to myself right now?  I can not even tell.  I just want to lay down  - I want to get wasted and lay down.  Really?  Is that really what I want?  I am in the middle of a break-up - a not easy one at that since he doesn't want to be broken up but he also doesn't want to be together.  And besides the pot there were times when he really sucked as a boyfriend - he really did.  What about making a date with that girl at work to put her dresser together?  Remember that???  I DO.  NEVER FORGET.  Fuck that - fuck that shit.  He can go fuck himself right on top of her dresser.  Hmm - that felt good.  Okay - time for a little lunch and then a shower.  Byeeeee Bluebers.

I meditated and I feel.....

better.  I feel clearer and I thought about my mother and I cried.  I just want some support and I feel like I have no support.  I feel like people are always telling me what to do other than what I'm fucking doing.  I just wanted to call my mother and have her tell me to keep going and it made me cry.  Okay and I do know that I have support and I know that I have a baseline feeling of being not supported and I know what other people think doesn't matter anyway.  Omg - seriously - I just have wicked PMS.  I need to go for a walk in the park.  I'm going to open the windows and go for a walk in the park.  Take the dog out to walk in a circle.  I had a healthy yogurt.  Um - what?  Okay - I'm going to go for a walk and take a glorious shower and I will feel better.  I took Advil.  It's okay - it's just a rough day.  Hopefully I won't have to work tonight and tomorrow I am going for a fitting early for the movie I'm going to be an extra on.  So - good.  Right?  Um - yeah - good.  I'm going to be 42 soon and I don't know - can I please not be a waitress anymore when I am 42 and can it be because I have other work - better work - work where I don't wake up feeling like I got drugged in the middle of the night?  Great - thank you.  WHOAAAAA - this what sober looks like - hahahaha.  Ha - I HAVE BIG DREAMS!!!  I just don't want to be a waitress!!  How's that for imagination???  Omg - bye.

Um - what am I doing?

Am I addicted to being miserable?  Is that a thing?  I used to have this friend - who had these crazy bags under her eyes and she was so skitzy and would just ask the same questions over and over and OVER again.  In retrospect she looked like an addict but she wasn't a drunk or a drug addict.  I woke up late today - I slept for 10 hours and I feel so hung over.  I worked 14 hours in a row yesterday and the comedy club was SO crazy because they got a whole new computer system that NO ONE knew how to use.  Haha - not even the guy who put it in.  I mean he knew but he left and oh my God - seriously - it was kind off hilarious but SO stressful.  This is from a place where when I started to work there we HAND wrote our checks.  It's like they gave a boob job to a 104 year old woman.  I mean the place is FALLING apart and they put in a new computer system - haha.  It's so crazy that I am still there - what the fuck am I doing?  I was just doing my morning reading & prayers and one of the ones I read was talking about being addicted to other things like people etc and being miserable.  Holy shit!  This job - I just can't anymore - only I will.  I need to meditate and I am avoiding it by writing on here - is it because I know it will shift things?  Perhaps.  It's so uncomfortable.  Well.  Well oh boy.  What am I supposed to do?  I can't believe how awful I feel today.  I can't quit but also - I'm not getting another job.  I took some extra work - that's paid....what should I do?  Am I going to be on my death bed and wish I didn't do this with my life?  Okay - I'm going to meditate.  That's right.  Let's see what happens then.  I love you Bluebie.  Bye for now.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Eyeballs.

People's eyeballs change when they are in the program and they are sober.  WOW - I wanted that to sound WAY more profound than that.  I went to a meeting tonight after a rather shitty day.  I didn't shower and I had taken an Epsom salt bath last night and I looked - well - totally unshowered and I got ready in like 5 minute so I was totally asleep all day - OUT of it.  Okay - so everyone WAS SO MEAN to me today or at leas that's how it felt - and they were crazy too.  Oh and I realized on the train I had an audition tonight - I was unshowered, not looking that cute AND I forgot my headshot & resume - whoops.  Okay - and there was crazy traffic to the audition - no buses, I tried to walk, finally got in a cab at 7th Ave where traffic COMPLETELY stopped and I had to get out and walk again.  SOOooooooooo - I was FLUSTERED for the audition.  The woman who saw us was nice and the man I auditioned with was a sweetheart.  So I go to this gay meeting because that's all there is and they said all were welcome so I went.  The speaker reminded me of this guy at work and when I went up to him afterwards he had the most beautiful eyes - the most lovely up close energy - amazing - sort of mind blowing really.  All from being sober and working hard for 20 years.  So I said thank you to him for speaking and he said I was funny when I was sharing (you know I talked about the guy moving in with his mother and how upset I was but how right it is).  Okay so he says to me this nice man with so much caring in his eyes he says "Why didn't you take a shower?"  IT WAS SO NICE.  I MEAN COME ON!  He had beautiful up close eyeball energy and he asked me such a basic, sweet question.  SHOWERING - it's so important.  I don't know I guess I can't put it into words how interesting that question was and how pertinent.  Life is so hard, being sober is hard but all of it - all of it is so much harder - having not showered.  I stayed for the whole meeting and I held hands and did the whole thing and I felt so much better afterwards.  I came home, cleaned up after the dog, walked her, took out the garbage, watered the plants, made some food, did dishes, took my vitamins, posted stupid pictures of myself on facebook, watched TV shows.  COME ON - that's amazing.  I'm so tired.  I have to work with my alanon sponsor in the morning and tomorrow is that long ass day.  I can say this also - when I don't take care of myself it's so much harder to deal with the crazies - for real.  This one woman today - holy cow - she was so crazy I was shaking.  I had to actually think to myself "Breathe, just breathe - detach with love - detach with love."  She was being so aggressive and flinging her arms around and I almost told her she had to calm down because she was freaking me out.  It has been my experience in the past that that NEVER works.  "PLEASE CALM DOWN YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT."  Nope - not usually.  Okay - I love your Blueberry face.  Good night :)