Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Hot Mess!

I'm a hot mess!  I have been crying all morning.  It's all of the physical stuff combined with I have no idea what?  I miss my father although I only cried about that briefly.  I am just so overwhelmed - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I have been in physical pain and now the nausea and good lord all the other stuff.  Blah blah.  So I'm emotional because people are being so kind and loving and I am being supported.  I never even knew what that word meant until now.  I literally feel propped up by people.  It's so mind blowing.  So loving.  I am also what?  What was I going to say?  Fuck I don't remember.  Ha!  There you go - take yourself too seriously and God is like forget it.  Oye.  Well anyway this has been an emotional and exhausting morning although I still managed to pray, meditate and write in my journal.  And eat breakfast!  That was good.  The guy has to go to court again this morning for Batshit Crazy Barbara Driscoll.  Ah ugh.  Sigh.  I wonder who else she is harassing and being nutso to?  There has to be other people right?  I mean when I'm an asshole is a whole day of people I butt heads with - so she must have other people that she's being crazy to right?  Why am I even saying that?  I'm not sure it just occurred to me the other night.  Maybe I should take a bath.  I am cold.  I'm so tired already and it's 9:55 in the morning!  You know I cried through most of my meditation I should just do it again.  I know I must sound like I am losing it but even though I'm such a mess in my heart I am okay.  It's like I'm detoxing emotionally or something.  Just like barfing feelings through my tears.  No that's not quite right.  Just cleaning house I guess.  WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?  I am going to meditate again.  I can get in bed and meditate.  Just breathe and meditate.  Just get centered and go to my doctor's appointment.  Maybe eat a donut.  Yeah or a scone or something.  I know!  I'm going to call my new sponsor first.  Yes.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, November 24, 2017


My hair is falling out for real now.  They told me on Tuesday that I would be bald by Monday and I am well on my way.  It's coming out in clumps and I don't even have 1/8 of the hair I used to have!  Okay so deep breath I am going to be bald for 5 months or so.  They also told me that on Tuesday.  I was so sick yesterday and we just stayed home thank God.  We didn't travel.  I took a nap for 2 hours, then slept for 12 hours and took another 2 hour nap today.  Am I a firecracker or what?  I went for a walk at least, both days.  Well yesterday it was really a stroll - I could barely get myself going.  Anyway I am so lucky I am here at home and that my guy is just like hey rest enjoy it.  I wish I could enjoy it more but being sick sucks.  It was uncomfortable to sit UP yesterday.  Okay let's look at the positive seriously.  That one is done - I will start to feel better now and the nausea pills really work.  I am losing weight - haha - I am but who cares.  I am clean and loved.  Wow - I am really reaching for stuff.  I am being taken care of.  The chemo is working.  Yes.  What else?  The guy had a nice day yesterday.....he rested and ate lots of yummy food.  My brother brought us a thanksgiving dinner the night before so we still got to have a nice meal.  The whole thing!  A turkey and all the trimmings.  It was so sweet - he drove 3 fucking hours to bring that to us.  I told someone and she seemed surprised that I was so touched and I had to keep myself from saying I would NEVER do that for someone.  Haha I don't know that's not true except I have no fucking idea how to cook a turkey but I drive hours and hours to see my family all the time.  It just warmed my heart.  We ate it the night before because I knew I wouldn't want to eat a big meal yesterday.  It was so fun!  A one day early thanksgiving meal!   Okay well anyway I should start to feel better by tomorrow.  I'm going to go to a meeting tonight.  I got a new sponsor.  That was painful and awkward but it's okay.  It will be okay.  I need so much more now - this is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me - I don't want to drink.  I don't want to pick up and I want to stay plugged into this program.  It already feels so scary with all the shit I'm on and the emotional up and down of this whole thing.  I was crying HYSTERICALLY at that movie Practical Magic the other night - he had to put on a different movie - it was nuts.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, November 20, 2017

My Pubes Fell Out First - A Cancer Love Story

I still have all the hair on my head but yesterday in the shower my pubes fell out.  I WAS SO UPSET.  What?  I KNOW.  It was completely shocking to me.  I was crying.  My boyfriend came in and comforted me - it was so ridiculous.  I was crying and laughing at the same time.  I just kept pulling it out - I couldn't believe it.  I thought all the hair on my head would fall out and then later the hair on my body and last my eyebrows and eyelashes.  I thought that's what everyone said.  That is what everyone said.  Come on - of course I would lose my pubes first.  God wants me to keep my sense of humor.  Here's another thing that happened that made me laugh.....My friend got in touch with me and asked me how I was (very sweet).  I said I felt sick and fluish from the chemo - said it felt like the flu.  She then said "I just got the flu shot - I hope I don't get the flu."  Then I said it wasn't the flu - it was the chemo and she sent me an emoji of a crying face.  HA.  "I hope I don't get the flu."  I HOPE YOU DON'T GET THE FLU TOO!  OR CANCER!  I mean I really laughed - I was like are you fucking kidding me?  It was so sweet of her to reach out but she just couldn't keep herself from being self-centered I guess.  Jesus I feel guilty writing this.  It was just funny.  Who the fuck knows where she was coming from.  The flu is terrifying for sure.  Anyway I still don't have my pubes.  We had a lovely weekend - went to the farm, celebrated my Mom's birthday, spent time with the kids.....went for a walk around the trees it was wonderful.  It brought up a lot...it always does I guess.  I miss my father so much - I said a toast for him at her party - I feel like everyone has just forgotten him....I know that's not true but ugh I don't know.  It's only been a year and a half.  I just feel his lack of presence so much.  It's just sad.  I miss him - really that's what it is - I miss him so much.  Ah life.  More chemo this week.  I was crying all morning.  My spirit is healing in such a profound way - truly.  This has helped me in so many ways.  But the physical pain is so scary.  I am accepting though and I have surrendered.  But I am still crying about it.  Haha.  CRYING GOOD AND HARD ABOUT IT!  Okay well I want to go for a walk and enjoy this day before I am sick from the chemo.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Free Will.

Okay I go to this Alanon meeting and there is woman that goes to it - she's a piece of work you know?  Tall, big and has bleached blonde short hair, wears TONS of gold, long nails, heels, sun glasses on ALL the time, thick NY accent, drinks ice coffee out of a giant LOUD plastic clanking bottle that is so fucking annoying it's UNREAL and when she shares talks for like 20 minutes no lie.  That being said she has so many great things to say and I always relate to her and she really has a connection to a higher power AND she's a seeker.  It's so fucking crazy.  You really can not judge a book by it's cover OR by how fucking clanking that books stupid ice coffee is.  Between her jewelry and her fucking ice she's like one giant clank.  She pulls SO MUCH FOCUS.  But again - she's wonderful on the inside.  She told me I would wake up from my surgery and that I would be fine.  She also said something about my higher power loves me and I will be okay and that I can be okay if I want to because He gave us Free Will.  That really struck a cord (chord?) with me.  That's it right?  We have free will.  We have a choice.  Sometimes.  Sometimes not.  But sometimes.  For some reason I am thinking about that today.  Why did God give us free will?  I don't know.  I don't know but I also don't know why I am write on here I secret anymore until I say something like that and then I remember how flipped out most of the world gets when you speak about GOD.  Even I do!  When people post shit online about God I'm like SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Do that shit in private like a human being you fucking animal.  I REALLY feel that way.  It makes me wildly uncomfortable.  So yeah then I just remember that's why this blog is a secret.  Or am I just a pussy?  I don't know.  Maybe it's both.  Maybe there's third option behind door number 3.  I think it's interesting.  I spend so much of my life trying to get attention and jobs where people look at me and listen to me.  So I love that this is something that doesn't directly have to do with me.  I'm doing this solely to express myself and keep record of my journey through sobriety, life and now breast cancer.  It's like a giant science experiment.  What?  No that's not it.  It's giant science journal.  What?  It's just notes!  Notes on my life!  I dig it.  Who gives a fuck why!  I have to go and pretend to exercise.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE

Monday, November 13, 2017

Self-care with Heart

I am home on the couch.....I was supposed to go get a CAT scan this morning but I just couldn't do it.  I have my period and it's a rough one - I'm not sure if it's the chemo or what - and anyway it's not that...it's this....that I just didn't want to go today and be poked and prodded.  I wanted to take care of myself.  From a beautiful and wonderful place inside of myself.  It's my friend who always says "You don't have to say yes even if it's because you want to sit on the couch and paint your nails."  I can just say no because I'm overwhelmed and tired and I want to let my sweet body restore in a healthy, kind way.  I called them as soon as I thought they were open in order to cancel and the guy WAS SO NICE that I started crying when I got off the phone.  He was like it's okay you don't have to come, think about when you want to come in , you don't have to figure it out right now.  I wasn't even being hysterical!  I just said I can't come in today.  Mind blown.  Side note the guy is at court right now AGAIN for Batshit Crazy Pants.  Did I write on here how she is trying to - ugh look - I can't do this right now.  It feels so toxic.  Today is about healing.  I just hope he's okay.  I think she has a lawyer with her and he doesn't.  Well crazy doesn't stop happening just because we are struggling I guess.  That is the perfect name for her - Batshit Crazy Pants Barbara Driscoll.  Okay what happened to healing?  Ha.  Okaaaaay.  Well I have a bunch of things to do and I want to go for a walk.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Day 2991.

Well I started the chemo and the treatment itself was long but fairly mellow.  I felt fine the next day, went back for a shot and then have felt fairly sick each day since then although it seems to be lessening.  Oh I got sick the first night!  I was so nauseas.  I can finally fucking spell the word nauseas.  I wasn't sure how to take the nausea meds and so I felt sick to my stomach for way longer than I needed to that night but the next day I was fine.  Anyway the moral to this story is take your nausea meds.  Take them all, take them together and just fucking take them.  I got my hair shaved yesterday - that was emotional.  I have a super cute, dykey little haircut and it also says "fuck cancer" on the back of my head.  So that was fun!  I went today and got a wig - a really nice one and so I feel ready to be bald.  It's cold as fuck right now but hopefully it won't be full on so winter and I can go and get some scarves and stuff so I can look cute.  I'm at home right now.  The guy and I went to the wig place, had lunch and had sex.  Gotta keep the love going you know?  I feel kind of gross but luckily I am still horny.  Go figure.  It's sunny out today so that's nice.  My mom and my sister came with me yesterday - it was so sweet.  So sweet, loving and supportive.  I have so much to do but honestly I am exhausted.  I had a show last night - that was super fun.  Packed club - was great.  I closed out the show - was really fun.  Okay so I am fairly terrified for more treatment - especially since it's only going to get harder.....well maybe not the treatment after this one.  What?  I am going to stop thinking about it.  I have a busy week....more doctor's appointments, more - I have no idea what.  I can't really think straight.  It's called chemo brain I guess.  I feel like I had it before I started chemo - have I written that already!?  Okay well I can only do the best I can right?  Yes.  And be so fucking grateful for how kind and supportive people are being.  SO KIND.  So SWEET.  My sweet mother - oh my fucking God.  She just sat there yesterday and smiled and said how nice my head that says FUCK CANCER on it looks.  Come on right?  The guy too.  I can't even barely take it.  If you want to see how much people love you - get cancer.  You will see.  You will fucking see how loved you are.  But I hope you don't get cancer.  I hope you can realize it without that. 

Monday, November 6, 2017


I'm so sickened by what happened in Texas.  It's so awful - what happened to that man?  What happens to people?  I don't know - it's horrifying.......

I am in a fight right now for my own life and I am in a panic about it.  I haven't gotten to a calm place yet about starting chemo tomorrow - I still feel so unsure about it - if I am doing the right thing.  I felt better after I saw the snake doctor Saturday but today I have been crying all morning - ever since I woke up.  I have just been researching and digging - I don't know.  I just haven't gotten there yet.  My friend said to fake it till you make it.  I just write that and got instantly exhausted.  I had a nice weekend......we went to my show Saturday and went and saw Gilbert - it was such a wonderful movie.  We walked yesterday, had sex - I cooked and went to a restorative yoga class.  I don't know.  I made this dish - it was fucking delicious - ready?  Here's what it was........I boiled 4 organic potatoes - the baking kind - right?  Peeled them, cut them up.  In a pain I sautéed about 6 cloves of garlic and one yellow onion with some chopped up organic walnuts.  Then I put in the potatoes and sautéed all of that until it became almost homefries but with the potatoes not really crispy still kind of soft.  Then I added (oh olive oil too of course plenty) RED rice - cooked all that up and the last thing I added was arugula.  IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS.  Those other rices are fucking fantastic.  Oh I also added sea salt, fresh pepper and chipotle.  Yeah it fucking rocked.  The guy loved it even!  I was supposed to go to an audition today and a doctor's appointment and I canceled both.  I just couldn't.  I can feel the stress in my left breast.  All toxic things, people and thoughts - they all go to my left breast - it's nuts.

A woman on Saturday morning told me I'm saving myself by doing the chemotherapy.  I wrote that and my boob hurt.  What is my hesitation?  I am so scared and it seems archaic.  That being said I said that about mammograms and that one saved my fucking life.  I feel completely different about them now.  Okay this is what I am going to do.  I am going to take a shower.  I am going to breathe while I get ready.  I am going to go to a wig place.  I am gong to breathe and go see those kids.  I am going to fucking pray all day.  I am going to pray right now when I finish typing this.  I am going to love.  I love my boyfriend.  I don't want to leave him.  I love my life here.  I love my comedy and that has taken years to happen again.  I love my family.  My sister and my mother sent me flowers - they are so beautiful.  I don't want to leave my family.  I guess I want to live.  Life is pain - I excepted that years ago.  On the other side is healing right?  If I can somehow feel that in my body,,,,,in my heart?  I don't know........what does my heart want?  What would you do?  Would you do it?

Saturday, November 4, 2017

100% Flipping The Fuck Out. Completely.

I am supposed to start chemo next week.  It's the strong kind because my lymph node had the bad cancer in it.  I just haven't gotten to a calm place about - I still am freaking out worried this isn't the right thing to do - that maybe I should try something else - the natural path.  I am seeing the snake doctor today and hoping with everything in me that he can help me to calm down and guide me in the right direction.  I can't go in there for this treatment freaking out.  I just can't.  But like I said - I am flipping the fuck out.  The side-effects are so awful and losing my hair is the least of it.  My nails will turn colors and I will probably go through menopause.  But the worst part is that I am just so aware and seeing so clearly at this time of panic (once again mind you I am seeing this) the different disappointing relationships I have in my life.  Not the guy - the guy has been so great - even if he has reacted and been - human at times - he has been so supportive and loving.  I just was crying hysterically and he was SO NICE TO ME.  Held me, listened to me, told me I am doing the right thing.  I said I was sorry he had to deal with this and he said it's worth it because he loves me.  WHEN HAS THAT EVER FUCKING HAPPENED?  I don't know why I am yelling I'm a mess.  Anyway it's the friendships and my sponsor.  They are just disappointing relationships where I get 25% of what I need.  And this is how I always was when I dated before.  Or whatever you call all those dysfunctional relationships I had.  Was it dating?  I have no clue.  But they were always disappointing.  I have to be brave and leave space for something else by not having anything.  That's it!  Nothing is better than only something.  At least for me.  I don't even know if I am making sense or why I am talking about this.  I know why.  Because it's so clear to me this is how it is.  This panic about my life - my actual LIFE is making me see where there isn't nutrition.  That being said I am also freaking the fuck out and reactive.  REGARDLESS - people are fucking disappointing and I have settled for it for so long because it seemed better than nothing.  Well clearly I am not calmed down yet and let's face it if I was I would be a fucking lunatic.  Would I?  I would be because then I wouldn't be being honest about what a huge thing this is.  Jesus Christ do you know what is so crazy?  I feel like while I am writing this I don't want anyone to feel bad.  I am trying to honestly and truly say how terrified and freaked out I am and at the same fucking time trying to figure out how not to say it harshly or upset anyone.  Then what is the God Forsaken Fucking POINT of writing this?  I am fucking terrified.  I still don't have that gut feeling that putting myself through 5 months of poison is the right thing.  I don't know what the fuck to do.  I'm going to drink some more water.  I went to a meeting this morning - I prayed and meditated.  I cried, I had sex and I had an egg sandwich on gluten free bread.  WHAT ELSE CAN I DO???  Okay I was joking when I wrote that.  I'm going to take a shower.  Persevere.  Today I will go forward as best I can.  I have a show tonight thank God.  Hydrate my inner body and outer body.  That's all I can focus on right at this moment.  Love you Bluebie bye.