Still the same grumpy me.

Sooooooooooooo now I'm not a waitress anymore and I'm still grumpy - still feel uncomfortable in my body - blah blah blah.  It's so weird - it's like when I moved out of the bed & breakfast and realized I brought myself with me - mostly my rage.  I for sure have less of that and I do physically on a lot of levels feel SO MUCH better not waitressing.  But there is a discomfort inside me - which I guess can only be solved by God. The program.  Yeah.  So. Sigh.  I just can't figure out how to balance it all - exercise, clean clothes - clean house - clean soul.  It's all so much WORK and I get so DISTRACTED taking pictures of myself.  Okay - it's only another month and a half before I have my anniversary and then I think things will shift.  I think I might need some chocolate.  OH BOY - well these seem like such blessed complaints that I am making - right?  I'm so happy to be sober - I feel so grateful.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Drunk skin doctor.

I went to the dermatologist today and after waiting an hour they called me and she was waaaaaasted.  Drunk.  Reeked of alcohol, was slurring - looked - awful.  I mean just like someone who was drunk - but not like all sloppy and funny - just her face looked strange and puffy  and she was talking oddly - drunk.  She gave me a "Clean bill of health!"  That's what she yelled as I walked out the door.  Everyone working around her looked odd also - so they all must know.  I mean I told her I had spots all over me and she didn't even look at all of them and didn't come within 4 feet of me.  Why would she?  I wasn't sure if I was supposed to say something??  "Clean bill of health!!"  How many times was I drinking at work???  SO MANY - almost EVERYTIME.  No I wasn't a doctor but still.  Ugh - it's so annoying and confusing.  At least I got my period finally.  Love you Bluebie bye.

1784.

What a weird thing we do - count our days of sobriety.  Well it really is like I was reborn so there you go - now I'm 1784 days.  It's sunny out today and the store has been busy so that's good.  I started a new blog - one where I won't be talking about sobriety.  Does anyone have 2 fucking blogs where they talk about that - dear GOD.  Anyway - so I have a customer in here and she's verrry tall.  The owner is tiny and she buys tiny clothes - so whenever tall or big people come in here - it's strange.  Ugh - anyway - well that's not the worst problem is it??  She just left.  She was gorgeous too - and she looked WAY confident - I guess she's totally fine with being tall!  We are going to see a show tonight and I danced last night and met a sponsee at a meeting.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself so I don't lose myself in the guy.  But I can't wait to see him tonight!!!  Okay - I threw around a bunch of stuff upstairs looking for the right size for someone so I need to fix it.  Love you BLUEBIE!!  Bye.

Poem.

She told me not to eat egg salad
And then I cried
I went to sleep for a long time
Listen I'm fine
and if she wants to tell me not to eat egg salad
then I can say fine "I won't eat egg salad"
and then EAT IT ANYWAY.
Bye.

Captain's Log 7/20/14. Day 1780.

I'm sleepy right now and I have decided that this blog is now a science experiment of how I am doing in sobriety.  What was it before - I have no idea and I'm sure I will forget this or change my mind.  OR not - I might not change my mind at all and just keep making Captain's Log entries on here about my voyage through sobriety.  HA - whoa.  I woke up at 6:30 this morning at the guy's house - we spent the weekend together - went to this gorgeous Shakespeare in The Park play and then went to the beach yesterday.  I left this morning to meet my sponsor and her sponsor and some other sober "family" members at this meeting.  It was great and then I came back and talked to my alanon sponsor.  We had a hard talk this weekend - me and the guy - about his - ugh - wife - and WOW - this is hard to write about.....about their interactions (which are awful) and how it makes me feel and him feel - etc. and then we didn't have sex and went to bed.  For me this was like a fucking MILESTONE in recovery.  I mean in the past I would have had sex - been filled with rage - or with held sex in a really unhealthy way - and as far as how I felt I would have waited until I was SO ENRAGED that I would have just lost it.  You know I can't even believe how uncomfortable it makes me just to WRITE that.  It's so crazy.  I mean the part about what I would have done in the past.  It made me feel even closer to him - okay - whatever - blah blah - but I need to keep being my own person so I got up today and left so I am taking care of myself and my programs.  Holy shit I need to lay down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

The Diamond Cutter.

I'm shaking because I'm so hungry.  I woke up late and didn't bring food with me because I thought I wouldn't be hungry because I had this huge rice bowl yesterday that I kept burping up during my dance class.  Meanwhile I have never in my life not been hungry past 10:00 in the morning if I have woken up a couple of hours before that.  What even is that?  It's like thinking I won't be tired at 2:00 in the morning because I'm not tired at 10:00 at night.  Oh my God - the food came and it was wrong.  HA.  Okay now I'm waiting for the right food - I would never do that normally but it has like 27 pieces of tomato on it and I couldn't even take it off the sandwich.  ANYWAY.  Well it's good I took care of myself for once - usually I never say anything.  Okay - back to the Diamond Cutter.  I've been practicing the Diamond Cutter principal which is that in order to get - one needs to give and give from a loving place.  So if I want to make money performing - I need to give money to performers and also support their performing emotionally.  So last night (this is my favorite example so far and even if nothing comes from it - it is an example of me being kind just for the joy of being kind - which normally I am kind for some other reason - great and right - exactly) I took the train home and these 2 older men get on - one of them with a keyboard around his neck and then they start singing that song "All my life - I pray for someone like you..." - right?  They were singing in harmony and the fact that he was plying a keyboard that was slung around his neck - I just LOVED it.  I didn't have any money - I had given my last dollar in change to the basket at the meeting I went to and I REALLY wanted to give them money and then I remembered a 2 dollar bill I had in my wallet since I left that restaurant - you know - my lucky 2 dollar bill that I would never use?  And I was like fuck it - I'm giving it to them - they made me so happy and they sounded so good - so I dug it out of the side of my wallet and gave it to them.  AND IT FELT SO GOOD.  Oh my fucking God - I am going to die where is my sandwich????  So I'm going to keep Diamond Cuttering it and eat breakfast regularly.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Hey.

I'm at the store.  Sometimes I can't even believe people.  They try things on - it looks amazing on them and they they tell me ALL these reasons why it won't work for them and then they leave and just as they open the door they say "Oh - well - I'm so disappointed but oh well."  UM ME TOO.  How weird is that?  Then other women come in - stuff themselves in a dress that doesn't fit - I tell them - "I think maybe it looks a little tight?" and then they buy that shit and leave happy as pie.  So bizarre - half the time I don't feel like I'm selling clothes at all.  Anyway - I'm here and I queer.  What?  Oh man - okay - I don't have much to report.  Love the guy more & more and keep trying to work my programs more & more and slowly move forward art wise.  Love your blogging face Bluebie bye.

Lovely weekend.

Had such a nice weekend with the guy - went to the beach, ate food - laughed.  I was so sleepy I thought I was going to sleep for 3 weeks yesterday.  I'm still recovering from those insane brunches I think.  Oh I just got a salad delivered so I'm going to make this brief.  I'm so - what?  Slow - everything is so slow.  I feel like there must be some in between working like a dog and being insane and being so slow I can't stay awake - right?  Today at the store is slow, outside is slow.....I just need to get creative again.  Which I will do right after this salad.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

I had the day off!

I got my cable fixed, prayed & meditated, went to the doctor, came home and went for a walk in the park,did some yoga - meditated again and then I had tea and now I'm having coffee, wrote in my journal and now I'm writing a run-on sentence on here.  I forgot that I ever had days like this!!!  All I did for so long was work - holy shit - so it has been so nice to have a real day off.  I was thinking about writing murder mystery erotica so I just did some research but it was all dumb.  Or I don't know - it didn't even turn me on reading about it - hahahaaa - not that murder would turn me on bu the erotica part.  Oh GOD - now I'm back to who the fuck am I and what am I doing???  I suppose me writing mystery erotica would help the world somehow right??  Gotta goooo Bluebers - love you bye.

Mnd blown.

Just read about Buddhism and trust issues.  I have trust issues (I know gross - that I have them and that I'm even writing about this).  WELL - turns out what  thought was trust - isn't.  My form of trust is staring, calling, watching, freaking out and clinging - while the person is a human being and going to fuck up anyway.  Well - this is sort of what the Buddhist thing I read said - and this is what everyone keeps trying to tell me....Universal Trust - knowing that everything will be okay if I stay present, act with integrity and live with my own personal trust.  I'm probably not saying it right.  Trust isn't one person or one thing - it's bigger than that.  My mind is so blown right now ad it's also so fucking freeing.  I'm next to positive I will freak out again in the next 4 hours but at least I have an awareness of some other way of existing.  K love you bye.

I'm in a panic.

That's just all there is to it.  I think I am just - well - I have no idea - I keep feeling panicked about his guy and I have no idea why.  Am I sensing something?  Am I just flared up with my trust issues and if I don't hear from him every 2 minutes I freak out?  Probably yes on some level for a lot of it.  This is where I am supposed to focus on myself, breathe - love myself - be of service to others.  It's 11:11 - let's make a wish.....Okay - also there was a lot of cigarette smoke this morning - I probably feel a little toxic.  Well - you know - I need to go to the bank - why don't I go for a walk and take care of myself.  I guess I'm getting sober in a relationship way but this feels so hard - so impossible.  I feel so crazy and - okay - well - I don't suppose sitting here and thinking about it more is going to help.  It's quiet at the store today so why don't I just take care of myself.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps I'm finishing reading The Diamond Cutter and it's MIND BLOWING.

Lots of work.

After lots of talking and phone calls and not reacting to my feelings I am better today - although super bloated from the weekend of steak and cheese.  Ugh.  I'm listening to an alanon meeting. 
I don't know - I just feel so grateful that I am in these programs - I really am.  I just want to keep growing and being kinder to myself and others.  I started to practice benevolence and I put it into my meditation this morning.  So.  One day at a time - how amazing how long these days are!!  I mean yesterday I went to an eye appointment, worked (went to work before the appointment), went to a meeting, saw the guy, grocery shopped and what else?   I don't know.  I mean it is mind blowing to me that I do things.  Have a day you know?  Amazing.  He is such a nice, sweet man.  I feel so grateful for him.  Man - I am so fucking bloated.  OKAY I LOVE YOU BYE.

Tense.

Called my friend and asked her what was going on with me.  She said if I'm not okay with me - I'm not okay with this relationship.  What?  I mean - if 'm taking care of myself the whole time I will be okay and if I'm not - no matter what is happening with him - I won't be okay.  Alright I can not think about myself for one more second - holy fucking selfish fuckballs.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Long slow recovery.

This relationship is an amazing opportunity for all my issues to come up and for me to slow the fuck down and just keep recovering - while they do.  I mean holy SHIT FUCKING BALLS.  I tried to make that one word and it autocorrected it into 3.  What the fuck?  Well anyway - the weekend at my parents and with my family was so nice - they were nice - he was nice - no meltdowns and we went to meetings everyday.  I waited until last night when we got back to be an a-hole and then I felt sick all day about it.  Here's the thing though.  I called people.  I talked to ladies and then I went to a meeting tonight as soon as I got back into my neighborhood.  I went and got soda water afterwards and then talked to another lady.  It feels good to be back in my apartment and - well - what am I suppose to suddenly not have all the issues I've had my whole life in relationships?  And - well - what the fuck - even people that aren't drunks and drug addicts have issues when they get closer to people.  Whatever - my real point is that I am having a long, slow recovery - haha - nothing is happening overnight and I'm glad.  I'm really fucking glad.  Now I'm going to sleep because I am so fucking tired - I could not sleep last night at his house.  I was upset and mad and taking drama to a whole new level.  Actually I was taking HIS feeling and HIS experience to a whole new level.  What the fuck is that?  Okay - well - I'm not sure if I'm making any sense but amen.  Love you Bluebie. ps I also apologized for not being nice and kind to him - twice.  Barf I'm embarrassed.

Hi!

I'm at work and it's super slow.  I think everyone is gone for the fourth already.  It's okay - I'm taking care of myself.  I went to therapy last night after a meeting so I was really taking care of myself.  Guess what I learned in therapy?  I have low self-esteem.  Ha.  Well - anyway - but she said I was doing things from an unconscious place to not take care of myself and now I can bring it into my conscious awareness and not do these things anymore.  OKAAAAAY.  NO PROBLEM.  Done and DONE.  Yeesh.  What do other people do with their time besides all this endless searching?  I guess have kids.  Well I would still need to do this even with kids and even MORE so with kids I'm sure.  So the next layer of my onion is self-care and self-acceptance.  Holy fuck it's unreal how uncomfortable that makes me.  Unreal.  Well - alright - fucking barf - isn't that what everyone is striving for or dare I say some people just do naturally?  I'm bringing the guy to meet my family this weekend.  Well - well I guess I am just taking a chance that's all.  So fucking scary.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

So confused.

I'm not feeling great - my body is all fucked up - it smells like something died in my ass - I mean it's so gross- I'm very stressed out.  Haha - oh GOD - what do I write these things for?  I just don't understand how I can turn into SUCH a psycho when I get my period?  Okay - well - you know - I guess it's just what happens and I'm human and I am doing the best I can.  I really am.  I need to keep focused on myself, my self-care and working these programs and taking care of my art.  Slowly - a little bit everyday.  Focus on love - that's it.  Oh - it's so scary and I am so sick of being afraid.  Oh well - and you know - I'm still so happy to be sober - even f feeling all of this is so - RAW.  It just leaves me RAW.  But it's okay - oh boy.  Alright - well - it's okay.  Love you Bluebie bye.