Sunday, July 20, 2014

Captain's Log 7/20/14. Day 1780.

I'm sleepy right now and I have decided that this blog is now a science experiment of how I am doing in sobriety.  What was it before - I have no idea and I'm sure I will forget this or change my mind.  OR not - I might not change my mind at all and just keep making Captain's Log entries on here about my voyage through sobriety.  HA - whoa.  I woke up at 6:30 this morning at the guy's house - we spent the weekend together - went to this gorgeous Shakespeare in The Park play and then went to the beach yesterday.  I left this morning to meet my sponsor and her sponsor and some other sober "family" members at this meeting.  It was great and then I came back and talked to my alanon sponsor.  We had a hard talk this weekend - me and the guy - about his - ugh - wife - and WOW - this is hard to write about.....about their interactions (which are awful) and how it makes me feel and him feel - etc. and then we didn't have sex and went to bed.  For me this was like a fucking MILESTONE in recovery.  I mean in the past I would have had sex - been filled with rage - or with held sex in a really unhealthy way - and as far as how I felt I would have waited until I was SO ENRAGED that I would have just lost it.  You know I can't even believe how uncomfortable it makes me just to WRITE that.  It's so crazy.  I mean the part about what I would have done in the past.  It made me feel even closer to him - okay - whatever - blah blah - but I need to keep being my own person so I got up today and left so I am taking care of myself and my programs.  Holy shit I need to lay down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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