One Arm Tied Behind My Back

Well.  How do I say this?  I've heard so so many times in my life that I am in my own way and when I was little my teachers often said I wasn't living up to my potential (thanks).  I am not sure why they didn't think to ask WHY that might be but anyway.  So - so now here I am now, at this time in my life where I am home - a lot.  With myself, a lot.  I have been going even farther inside myself and sitting with my feelings - a lot.  I have come to realize that I have had one arm tied behind my back my whole fucking life and that's because I thought I was supposed to.  I got some message somewhere, sometime that I couldn't be, have or do what I wanted so I just stuck my arm back there and then continued to swim through life.  But here's the good news!  I know it. I feel it.  And I can change it if I want to.  And here's one of the greatest ways I know how, and am relearning just how to do that.

Meditation.

Isn't that just so simple, beautiful and amazing?  Duh.  The thing I have been doing and working on for decades I am relearning once again how simply powerful it is and I can do it for free 12 times a day if I want to.  So here's how I have come to this conclusion and it's also very simple.

I am reading "Becoming Supernatural" by Joe Dispenza.  In it he talks a lot about the science of what happens when we meditate and it is sooooo fascinating.  But what has stuck me as truly profound and I swear to GOD I have never heard it is that he says when we meditate we "get out of our own way."  OH.  OHHhhhhhHHHHhhhhhh! Oh.  OKAY.  Well that sounds good to me!  Then this morning when I was doing the new Deepak Chopra free meditation I heard him say the same thing!  He said when we meditate we "get out of our own way and then our healing system works better."  Okay you know that's not a direct quote but something like that.  He definitely said we get out of our own way. 

Mind blown.  God what a relief.  I am so fucking tired of struggling with myself I can't even tell you.  I guess I can tell you.  I suppose you might be tired of it yourself?  Anyway glory halleluiah - I feel like I am at least turned facing towards a better direction even if I am not fully on that road yet.  And this is what sobriety and the program tells us that we can have and be.  We can be happy, joyous and free.  It's a lot of mother-fucking work but honestly - it's worth it.

Love you Bluebie!

The Tao of Brad Pitt

Haha that made me laugh to write that title.  That being said I am straight up obsessed with Brad Pitt.  His acting.  I know!  It's so weird!  But he's AMAZING.  Anyway I am inspired and I don't even know why - well I DO but - ugh I am getting uncomfortable.  I feel like it's selfish to focus on Brad Pitt when the world is in such chaos.  Well whatever - I mean - he's really fucking talented and it is giving me great pleasure researching him and his body of work.  ANYWAY. 

You probably know all the things that are happening right?  It's a true time of change and I really, truly and honestly hope that it is a shift that continues for the light workers, truth seekers and I just got tired.  Yeah it's that time of day.  I need to meditate again.  I get all speedy and tired and the only thing that shifts it is meditating again.

I just wanted to write on here...check in.....my life and EVERYONE'S is so different.  What a truly bizarre time.  2 tiny little flowers grew from the old-ass flower mats!  They are so small!  Alright I should go and meditate and let myself exercise.  I am determined to continue to use my time here to take really good care of myself.  I am learning SO MUCH about food and what a fucked up relationship I had with it.  That's hard to write.  It wasn't as bad as my relationships with men but it certainly wasn't balanced.  But it's getting a lot better.  Being very low on funds, cooking and having extra time to do research is certainly helping.  A lot!  This time reminds me so much of growing up on the farm...all the time home and being really creative with whatever is around.  Being able to go so much more slowly and really enjoying the calmness of being in one place.  The ease of just being here.  Yeah - I mean this has been wildly uncomfortable at certain times but it has also been such a gift.  That being said my guy last night was like "NO I DON'T WANT TO SHARE MY SNACKS WITH YOU AND WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING AGAIN!??"  Um - ouch!  Totally hurt my feelings but also it was very funny.  But what the fuck!  It's not like I'm here because I refuse to LEAVE.  Jesus.  Haha - but again - OUCH.  Whatever - I have to go - love you.

Yesterday.

Yesterday was a very rough day.  I felt horrible and I was super triggered by something my guy said the night before and I just could not get out from under it.  I did all the things though...almost.  Meaning to take care of myself.  Ate healthy, drank lots of water, exercised, got outside for a walk, meditated twice, talked to my therapist, talked to another alcoholic and even spoke to my guy (kindly!) about what I was upset about.  But still - I felt horrible.  Recurring thoughts of the past that I can't change - just inside my head cutting myself with negativity.  Basically I was being attacked by alcoholism.  My head was telling me I suck and that I am chasing some insane dream and if
I was just thinner and I don't know - BLIEVED in myself more - I would be successful.  Isn't that so mean?  Anyway, finally my guy said I was being attacked by alcoholism and here are the 2 things I realized..

1. I didn't call my sponsor.  That's the one thing I didn't do and I believe she could have helped me to see much sooner that it was alcoholism just trying to get to me.  Not even trying - it WAS.

2.  I am addicted to negative thinking.  And the feelings that come with it.  Plain and simple.  It's so obvious to me today but for years I had no idea that was happening.  I get it now.  Which only means I am aware of it and now I have to trudge that road of healing it.  Asking God to help me with it?  Asking a lot of people to help me with it.  Okay.  FUN.

So anyway besides that today was a new day and I woke up feeling much better.  I was so, so, so so grateful that I didn't do anything to hurt myself yesterday and here's an amazing thing - really, honestly and truly and beautiful thing to come out of recovery - ready?

Even though I was so hurt by my guy - I didn't "do something at him."  Meaning eat a muffin or a pizza or whatever "at him."  I just do not want to participate in that kind of relationship and it literally only hurts me.  Jesus - do normal people have to do all this work?  Or even have to make a choice like that?  Well anyway I made healthy choices for myself even though I didn't feel good and I am grateful.  Holy fuck it's hot in my office I have to go.

Love you Bluebie!!

Old-Ass Flower Mats.

Before I moved in with the guy 5 years ago - 4.5 I guess really -  I bought these flower mats from Rite-Aid - maybe CVS - maybe the dollar store?  I don't know but I go them thinking I could roll them out and plant them in our little front but then the upstairs neighbor got there first.  She planted a bunch of things and then I got really busy and got cancer and forgot about the flower mats which I left under the sink.  Just to be clear they are a small pre-seeded mat that you plant (put on top of some dirt), water and plants grow.  Supposedly.  Well anyway since we had the time we got some window sill plastic boxes and decided to give these old-ass, expired flower mats a try.  We put them on the front porch and at the same time I got 2 new kits of flowers from CVS.  Little tiny pots with like 5 seeds of flowers in them each.  So we had a couple plants inside and these boxes outside.  Everything started to grow!  I also had some seeds from the tiny inside plants and put those in the boxes outside.  So then the craziest thing happened......the outdoor plants - the ones planted with the old-ass flower mats - started to grow HUGE and the indie ones were just drooping along.  I was like "Oh that's odd...but I am sure it will change?"  NOPE.  The old-ass flower mats were just growing and sprouting - along with the seeds I grew!  Green, tall, strong and well I don't know - I don't see any flowers anywhere yet but that's not my point.  Finally I was like forget it - we have to put these inside babies outside with their friends because they are dying and they need to be outside!  They will be heartier outside!  So we put them in that same dirt with the seeds and the old-ass flower mats and it's only been 3 days and they look 75% better.  So here's is the moral to the story...

GO OUTSIDE MORE.  We are plants too!  I have been watching those plants and it has made me get outside EVERYDAY.  Fuck that.  I don't want to be a droopy plant.  I didn't live through cancer and cancer treatment to be a droopy plant.  I want to be hearty.  I want to live.  So yeah - weird lesson from some old-ass flower mats and a couple flower pot kits from CVS.

But also.....

What the fuck is going on?  Everyone in my neighborhood had parties ALL WEEKEND.  I didn't see a lot of masks and I was like "Um did I miss a memo?  Is COVID over?"  Sooooooo - I am going outside ALL THE TIME and I am also - STILL BEING VERY CAREFUL.  Because I think we are going to be in for round 2 of this shit because people are just too fed up and aren't really being cautious enough.  Which I get.  But also - FUCK THAT TOO.  AND - and I am reading all the time about healthy eating and it looks like the healthiest way to be (I am sure I knew this and have gone into serious denial about it) is to not eat meat.  To be vegan!  HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO THAT?  I don't know - I haven't eaten dairy in months and I honestly never thought I could do that.  I mean NEVER.  Okay soooooo I am going to go meditate and let me shoulders drop because I get DO TENSE and then I realize my shoulders are up around my ears.  WHAT THE FUCK.  How am I so tense when I am here alone most of the time?  Well okay wait - there is a LOT to be tense about - Jesus. 

Love you Bluebie!!

The Opportunity Cancer Built

Hi.  Well the world has gone mad - in some ways for the better if you ask me.  If you ask a lot of people!  It's about time right?  Well I have continued on my journey of organizing every single thing and have really shifted a lot of my life into a different direction.  I have put pictures into frames and put them in the walls that I have had for YEARS.  I mean I don't know what the fuck I was doing!  Well I do - I was doing a lot of shit but still - in many ways this has been a real blessing staying home.  We have nested like mother-fuckers and it's been great.  We have cooked, cleaned and lived on such a small amount of money and I am really loving it.  It's amazing how creative we can get when we are forced into it.  And I just needed more time to adjust my schedule to adding another meditation time to my day and cooking.  So much cooking!  ANYWAY.

I had my mammogram last week and it was okay.  For some reason it was super upsetting and I just couldn't figure out why.  I mean chemo SUCKED SUCH A HUGE DICK that I was like why is this upsetting me so much!?  It hurt!  It hurt bad but it wasn't that.  It was the fact that every time - every single time I go get one of these tests they are looking to see "IS SHE ALMOST DYING AGAIN!???"  And it's so fucking intense and stressful.  Jesus!!  Well then because the mammogram was okay I asked if I could not go for the MRI and they said no - you need to go.  So that was yesterday and I had 5 days in between of waiting.  The MRI is where they realized I had more going on (possibly) than the one little tumor they initially saw 3 years ago so I was very scared to go. You know like "Maybe the mammogram was okay but maybe the MRI will pick up something else!?" Mind you I have been exercising, drinking water, drinking teas, meditating, cooking fresh healthy food, resting, being kind to myself blaah blah - all the things!  All the mother-fucking things!  So I thought I am probably okay but I really was not wanting to go.  Then I get there and it was weird with all the masks and everyone was upset and the receptionist was being a complete fucking cunt so I started to cry.....silently in a chair....stoically clutching my purse to my chest like a DRAMA QUEEN.  But I really felt so vulnerable and terrified.  Of COVID and of the MRI.  I also don't like the giant needle they put in my arm for the gadolinium and I don't even like that stuff.  It's a contrast dye they use to find tumors I think?  But I can taste it when they put in it me and it's fucking gross.  OYE.  I find the test itself to be uncomfortable but I suppose on some days it's worse than others and yesterday I was (shockingly) feeling very sensitive.  What is my point?  OH - that it was another test to "SEE IF YOU MIGHT BE DYING A LITTLE BIT" and it's upsetting.  Plus I had to relive the whole experience filling out the forms OMG - SORRY.

Long story short I am fine.  All good.  I AM OKAY.  So you know what that means??

The good news is all that healthy food and exercising is working.  The bad news is all that healthy food and exercising is working.  It's just like the program.  If it works than it's a miracle and you can have a new life and a new freedom.  Bad news is we have TO KEPP WORKING THE PROGRAM FOR THAT TO KEEP HAPPENING.

So like a true alcoholic I am feeling slightly upset that in order to stay sober & cancer free I need to continue on this path of love, light, exercise and healthy eating.  Fuck me.

LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.