Saturday, September 29, 2012
So here we go - more & more psychology and fascinating discoveries - or not. First of all - I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond last night and got a bunch of things for the apartment - among them a light bulb for above the stove. I came home and put that light bulb in and I felt like a million bucks. I had FUN at BB & B. I love being cozy and calm. I love going to sleep earlyish. I'm not so upset to not have someone in my bed lately. What? Then I obsessed last night all night - sort of - over this guy. But now that I think about it - it wasn't him - it was that I felt like I couldn't talk to him. It was that I felt - stuck somehow. That's really what I was upset about. Upset not being the right word - ahhhhh - over-thinking? Haha. WOW. It's 11:17 a.m. and I got lots of sleep. Drinking less coffee is the most amazing thing ever. I don't know - what else? This suddenly seems so lame. I need to go outside - get some air. Turn it over and more will be revealed. I have work tonight and I still have tons of things to do for the apartment to get it ready for Melissa. And any other guests!! Not just my guest cockroach. I love you Bluebs!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I got home last night and I was upset - so negative and I really had to pull myself off of the negative thoughts. I thought to myself - I have control over this - I don't have to be miserable - I can pull myself off this unhappiness. And I focused and focused and it was sooooo fucking hard but I did it - sort of. I mean it is going to sound so crazy but it's like I have to pull myself out of the left side of my brain into the right side of my brain. So I had this dream I was running up this really steep hill - running and running and I was doing it and thinking - wow - I can do this - this is amazing!! Then the alarm went off. I got a lot of sleep and I walked the dog, got all clean for work and got here. I brought a yogurt and ground flax and had coffee from home to drink on the way to work. I just kept focusing on the love on the way to work. Why was I so compelled to write just now? I can't remember.......hold on......oh RIGHT! I realized that - okay - I am saying this from a clinical place - I am not beating myself up - I will preface it with that. I realized how I have replaced so much of my drinking and smoking pot with netflix and food. Also with rage. Rage, netflix and food. And that hurts my body too. If everything I am doing is to be being better to myself - treat myself better - be kinder and easier on myself - all of those things are not. What am I talking about? This seemed so profound when I was thinking about it. I'm just getting to another level of nice to myself - in a really good way. It feels impossible. It feels like that hill I was running up in my dream. Only I did it in my dream and I can do it in waking life too. I've decided that every time I say something negative to myself I will say - that's not true - I don't know that that's true. I also realized when I spilled some of the flax this morning that I was packing up that I'm a perfectionist. I FREAKED out for a moment that I spilled some flax. Or maybe I'm just a drama queen - who fucking cares?? You know what my therapist said? She said - after I was upset that I hated someone and then the next day I loved them - she said "So what?? Can't you hate someone one day and love them the next?? So what - it doesn't matter - who cares! Can't that be okay that that's who you are?" I think that's what she said. Sometimes just because she is telling me that it's okay to be me I get so excited I can't remember correctly the reasons she is telling me why it's okay. I have a cold - a little one. I have the night off tomorrow night because there isn't class. I have on clean clothes, I have my own apartment and I can pay my bills - sort of, mostly. Now I just need to ignite the right side of my brain and bring it back to life. Bring my love back to life and step into the flow. That's all I have to pee Amen.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I guess my comedy isn't coming back. I'm supposed to be re-writing this but what the heck. I work here - I go see my family - I pay my bills and take care of my dog and I never perform. My class has gotten better and now we don't have class for a week. I went to see my parents this weekend and that was amazing - I went to the beach and the river and it was fantastic. MY father grilled steaks on the grill and I watched the Emmy's. I would love to be on a sitcom. Would I? I can't even manage to get to work showered 2 days in a row. Alright - I'm getting upset. I felt like I had such a grasp on things. When? I don't know. Okay - okay - calm down. I just wake up with this emptiness because I don't do comedy anymore - it makes me so sad. Some part of me must not want to do it or I'm not letting myself do it. I'm so confused. I'm also just tired. I did this Anniversary thing last night and you have to shake hands with over 400 people - it was really intense. Then I forgot to wash my hands an ate some chocolate. I should have just licked the sidewalk. I shouldn't say it's not coming back - what do I know. I also was telling myself I don't have love inside me and that is simply not true. I do have love inside of me and this is about growing and balance. I have killed off 3 plants lately because with the move I suddenly started to water them too much and I killed them off. MY father said that most plants are liked by over watering them and by paying too much attention to them. Now I'm upset again. Balance has never been my thing. I'm going to go about this day and then get some boxes to put odds and ends in in my apartment. I have been cooking at home and it has been so glorious!!! The last 2 nights I made myself blue cheese burgers with avocado, red onion and a side salad of mixed baby greens and arugula. SO FUCKING GOOD. And fun! Alright. Bye Blueberry - I miss you!!!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
That's what everyone and the program says. I went home last night because I was so exhausted from working here yesterday and I didn't get enough sleep AND I didn't shower and so I went home instead of going to ballet. I got home and put on clean, comfy after work clothes and it was TOTAL heaven. I spent time with the dog and I washed my underwear in the sink AND I re potted a plant. I got Chinese food and took out the garbage and the recycles and that was fun too! I vacuumed and got to sleep at a decent hour and I woke up completely on time. Then I went back to sleep and woke up so upset. I cried in the shower - haha - not really funny but kind of funny and then I went to work. Somehow though, because the apartment was clean and because I took care of myself - I felt better by the time I got here. I don't know - I don't understand anything at all but somehow I feel a little better. I was being so hard on myself and then I was like - well this isn't helping so I stopped. Just a day at a time. Okay - I'm signing out of this most boring blog post ever. Right now I am so grateful to be sober. I don't care how nerdy that is. I really am. Bye Bluebs.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Maybe. Maybe I can get my power back now. That's probably the least likely way to get your power back....by saying "Maybe....maybe now I can get my power back......if I feel like I have enough energy...." UGH. Crazy lady out side. SHE WALKED AWAY! Score. Anyway so I have been crazy and blah, blah, blah. I can tell you this - I stayed up late last night doing laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping and I felt SO much better today with less sleep than I did yesterday. I just don't do well with clutter and dirt. Boundaries and my power back. I also want to turn into some combination of Pink and Angelina Jolie. But with highlights. Oh dear. Bye Blueberry - I miss you.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
I'm not hung over - how amazing is that? Sososososos so wonderful. I woke up, walked the dog, prayed & meditated, walked/jogged/sprinted in the park, talked to my sponsor - got the New York Times, did the dishes - ate some food. Fuck yeah - good stuff. So strange - somone is playing SERIOUS music upstairs - it sucks. Okay - I just wanted to say how awesome it is to not be hung over. I love you Bluebie. BYE!!
Friday, September 7, 2012
I woke up really depressed - I'm having these dips into depression and I just realized it's perhaps something in me is healing. I always tell people that are new to the program that are a mess - that they are a mess because they are actually getting sober. So I'm trying (and I'm kind of smirking as I am about to write this because I know it sounds so ridiculous) to heal these childhood ills - whatever they are and I'm trying to heal my heart and get even more sober and it's hard. Here's the other thing I just realized - part of what I go to meetings for, is to look at men and possible find one. Um - what? So how does this affect my healing? Who can shop and heal while also trying to figure out if they look fat at the same time? My friend and I were talking yesterday about how we don't want someone who is an addict anymore and I really don't. It just occurred to me how much more quickly my healing would progress if I just went to meetings to get sober and help other people. Fucking a. Ugh - what a relief - what a relief to realize that. Here's the other thing - when I woke up so sad I just wanted to go back to bed and instead I took care of things and walked the dog and then walked/jogged/sprinted in the park and that helped SO MUCH. The sunshine, the trees and the air. The ducks too - I love those ducks. Quack. I have to go about my day now. Love you Bluebie.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
I just need to take back control of my life - which I have sloooowly been doing, heal my hurt and heal my wounds and take care of myself like I am my own child. Oh also forgive myself for everything - especially the stuff I didn't really have any control over. Cool.
I am really learning how wonderful sleep is and how to give it to myself - a good night's sleep. That and the importance of showering. I mean yesterday I woke up late and I didn't shower and I was miserable all day. Today I got up late and the poor dog had diarrhea, I had to clean that up and her and I washed all her bowls AND I showered AND I prayed & meditated and I made it to work a little bit earlier than yesterday and I'm not wishing no one comes in because I feel gross. Wow - talk about a run on sentence. So I guess my point is taking care of myself has many, many benefits. Okay - here's the other thing - after I wake up I need to get out of bed because when I fall back to sleep I have the WEIRDEST dreams. I dreamed I lived in this big house and the owner was the owner of the comedy club. There was a big issue about showering (I know this is so my subconscious it's so obvious) and I realized that no one was showering because there were a whole bunch of towels on the bottom of the shower - this square shower. I tried to make them go away and it was causing flooding. Then I started to talk to other people in the house and realized no one was showering - everyone was either not bathing or doing it somewhere else. It smelled bad and felt bad. The I tried to get the owner to get someone to fix the plumbing and it was all this talk about phone numbers and speed dialing and I was so confused. THEN my mother was like - oh I will go into the attic and fix it myself. So I go up there and she's vacuuming this huge room with garbage in it - in the doorway area and I realize there is this huge room all unused - except some garbage and goose poop. Also a non-working washing machine and dryer. Seriously? Did I need to have this dream? Also I dreamed a dog barked at me - which they never do but I understood - I laughed - it was a pretty brown/amber colored dog with matching eyes and little ears. Come on now - if I hadn't gone back to sleep I could have never figured out I need to let go of the past and meditate more. Yeesh. Oh my god I had a hot dog before bed - that couldn't have helped. And some blueberry ice cream!!!!! It was SO good!! I love you Bluebie.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
She usually just walks around this neighborhood - the Upper East Side and does this ackkkk - accckkkkk - thing with her throat and then she spits really dramatically. Today when I got off the bus she was screaming into the subway grate and theeeen she spit. It was craaazy. I mean she was SCREAMING. I had 2 thoughts - one that the subway really bothers her and the other being that she is trying so hard to get the crazy out of herself. That being said she was walking right behind me hacking and spitting after her grate experience and I literally ran across the street to get away from her. She had on a winter hat, work gloves and a plastic bag with cans in it. So sad really. And gross - I can't help it it's gross. Haha and then it makes me laugh that it's the Upper East Side and there's this crazy spitting lady that lives here - haaa. Okay in other news I got home last night and my super had put in 4 lighting fixtures in my apartment while I was gone. WHAT? I gave his odd helper my keys so they could fix the electricity and I was kind of nervous about it but I have nothing to take and I do like them and so not only did the electrician come and fix the electricity - they put in lighting fixtures in the hallway, bathroom, living room AND kitchen. The super said the electrician said it was dangerous just the exposed light bulbs. Whoa - it was so crazy how much it changed the look of the apartment and he must have put some sort of super duper light bulbs in there also because it's so much brighter! The only one he didn't do was the bedroom. How ridiculous is that? It was like coming home to the most amazing, kind surprise in the world - that I never would have done myself and then I was like - ohhh - he didn't so the bedroom!! I mean there is a lighting fixture in there so it didn't need to be done anyway. I gave him 20 bucks - should I have given him more? The woman who is in here right now is like a 5 year old - so difficult - not awful, not creepy - just really disgruntled and even though things look good on her she says - noooo - noooo - it's not right. This is where I stop helping people because nothing is what she wants. She needs some chocolate or a back rub - not a sweater. This little boy was fanning me today on the subway - I guess I looked warm. His mother made him stop and then he got upset - it was so cute. He was so little - like 2 - maybe 3 - I think he was 3. I was meditating and I was like "Is that wind?" I look and his just fanning away at me with the big fan all serious and intent. Hilarious. Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you!!
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
That's what I'm going to name my baby. Epiphany. I realized today that I should take care of myself like I am my own child. What? No - I'm serious. Like I'm my own baby. Fuck YEAH - FUCK YEAAAHHH!!!. Period. That's all - that's my Epiphany baby. I would never ever EVER let anyone treat my baby/child the way I let people treat me but more than that I would never treat my baby/child the way I treat myself. this seems convoluted. I was such a basket case today and now finally after writing a tiny bit I am better. That and I had some water. When will I ever learn that I am a basket case when I'm thirsty? Okay - whatever - my anniversary is over and it was so anti-climatic and kind of lame. Also my mother didn't call me and my best friend didn't acknowledge it at all. It's literally one of the MOST important things in my life. Maybe the most important thing in my life - being sober. Now I'm getting upset again. Back to being my own baby Momma. Gross - that sounds gross. I start class next week and I wrote a monologue that is a paragraph long. Maybe I should try something else. It's about my gay ballet teacher I had for 10 minutes. 4 minutes? He was my teacher for 4 minutes. I just need self-confidence and to be humble while being positive and grounded. THAT WILL MAKE EVERYTHING WORK. Um - I will start right after I say how awful this woman is. Bye Bluebie.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
I was like "What guy was I talking about?" Do you know why? Because I went to work and then totally got crushes on 4 other men/dudes/people I shouldn't be doing anything with. My friend told this one guy I need to get laid and I asked him if he had any papers on him that proved he was healthy. Then he said a bunch of things about how he didn't feel like getting tested but then said he would and that we needed to start forplay and then kissed me passionately on the neck. Then this other man said he has to stop himself from hitting on me all the time that I drive him crazy - and honestly - I had no idea what he was talking about but I liked it - then I said "Aren't you married?? " he said "Yeah! So???" Turn off. What the fuck - hello 3 years and hello hormone surge. I had a coffee tonight at 8:45 and I am still awake at 2:12 a.m. Yikes. It's my 3 year anniversary and I'm so crazy - sort of. I did lots of self-care today and that book that I am reading is so helpful - Emotional Sobriety- it's so fascinating to see why by brain works the way it does. I had this memory tonight while I was doing dishes of my 16th birthday where my Mother invited some friends of mine over as a surprise but I was so grumpy and miserable - I wasn't happy to see them - it was so weird. I mean it was so sweet that she did that and I was just depressed - I don't know - I can't remember anything except that I couldn't get happy that they were there - it was so awkward. Oh my God - I'm crying right now - I feel so bad that I was such a turd - what a sweet thing for my mother to do. It just upsets me thinking of the kind things my parents did/do for me and that I would upset them. Okay - this is what happens to me whenever I do work on why I'm such a mess. There are things that happened to em - the way I was raised and it only helps me to look at them but I don't blame my parents - who knows - maybe it was a neighbor that was mean to me and so I have PTSD. What? What am I talking about? I don't even know if I have that. Life is so tender - so fucking TENDER. I think I might be being really sentimental and REALLY emotional and dramatic. Maybe. Ugh - thinking about that event( the painful 16th birthday surprise party thing) just made me so UPSET and then I sort of forgot it while I watched WHite Collar and id my nails, and then tried to write about it on here and I got SO upset. I just never wanted to hurt my parents. I hated to see them suffer when I was growing up. How fucking alanonic is that? Now I'm crying again. Well I guess it is safe to say I am acting like a 3 year old - holy crap. Is this authentic? Would it have been easier if I just wanted to sound fake? I'm getting tired at least. Can you imagine all of this with alcohol dumped on it? And pot and penises? It was a mess I tell you - a total fucking mess. I'm so glad that now at least I have the chance to even out - balance out one day. My sister doesn't read this anymore but if it weren't for her talking to me for 4 hours at a time that first year I got sober - I don't know if I could have done it. HOURS she spent - HOURS. Can you imagine talking to my crazy ass for 4 HOURS on the phone? More than once?? Amazing. Well I love you Blueberry. I feel like I should end this blog here.....but I'm not going to. Happy 3 to me and 2 !/2 to you!!! I love you!!!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I have my anniversary coming up on Monday - 3 years - and it is bringing up so much stuff for some reason. That and the crazy affectionate attraction I have to this man at work. Last night I was doing work in The Prosperous Heart and it said if I have a resentment to pray for those people. SO I did and I really did. I prayed for Cretona, Creepy - I forgot Princess Boris but I did that today - Dish Towel (that's the name I'm giving someone else - which probably isn't loving - right?), all sorts of people and LORD did I pray. You know what happened? I started to feel better and I felt something lift and I also thought - "Hey - if they can have all those beautiful things and feel fantastic then so can I!" I found myself thinking how - well - hey - great - great they CAN have all that. Anyway I woke up crazy but I kept trying to focus on love. It's so weird - years ago I was so focused on love - goopy, drippy love and my act, my creative work was all about love. I suppose on some level it was authentic but not really - it wasn't - I just wanted a boyfriend. Now - now I see how important to my survival this love is. I have to melt my heart and I have to find love in me again. I just walked, jogged, sprinted in the park (which by the way literally took my brain fog away and lifted a lot of my sadness - holy fuck I need to exercise) and on my 3rd loop around there was this creepy older man sitting on a rock listening to the radio and smoking a cigarette. He wasn't there the first 2 laps and he had a bike so he must have driven up and parked there. It was pulling me energy wise and I started to get really creeped out and annoyed and then I just started to pray for him and send him love. My heart felt like a rock inside of me - it was really hard to do. It happened a little bit - I felt a shift towards love - a softening. Healing my heart, focusing on love, letting go of resentments and giving myself loving care and letting myself believe I'm lovable and good - that's all - that's all I need to do right now. Wowowowowooowww. This is interesting. Way more interesting than being drunk or high or having sex with cab drivers. I guess. Ha! Bye Blueberry - I love you!! I really do :)