Wow - I just read my last post and

I was like "What guy was I talking about?"  Do you know why?  Because I went to work and then totally got crushes on 4 other men/dudes/people I shouldn't be doing anything with.  My friend told this one guy I need to get laid and I asked him if he had any papers on him that proved he was healthy.  Then he said a bunch of things about how he didn't feel like getting tested but then said he would and that we needed to start forplay and then kissed me passionately on the neck.  Then this other man said he has to stop himself from hitting on me all the time that I drive him crazy - and honestly - I had no idea what he was talking about but I liked it - then I said "Aren't you married?? "  he said "Yeah!  So???"  Turn off.  What the fuck - hello 3 years and hello hormone surge.  I had a coffee tonight at 8:45 and I am still awake at 2:12 a.m.  Yikes.  It's my 3 year anniversary and I'm so crazy - sort of.  I did lots of self-care today and that book that I am reading is so helpful - Emotional Sobriety- it's so fascinating to see why by brain works the way it does.  I had this memory tonight while I was doing dishes of my 16th birthday where my Mother invited some friends of mine over as a surprise but I was so grumpy and miserable - I wasn't happy to see them - it was so weird.  I mean it was so sweet that she did that and I was just depressed - I don't know - I can't remember anything except that I couldn't get happy that they were there - it was so awkward.  Oh my God - I'm crying right now - I feel so bad that I was such a turd - what a sweet thing for my mother to do.  It just upsets me thinking of the kind things my parents did/do for me and that I would upset them.  Okay - this is what happens to me whenever I do work on why I'm such a mess.  There are things that happened to em - the way I was raised and it only helps me to look at them but I don't blame my parents - who knows - maybe it was a neighbor that was mean to me and so I have PTSD.  What?  What am I talking about?  I don't even know if I have that.  Life is so tender - so fucking TENDER.  I think I might be being really sentimental and REALLY emotional and dramatic.  Maybe.  Ugh - thinking about that event( the painful 16th birthday surprise party thing) just made me so UPSET and then I sort of forgot it while I watched WHite Collar and id my nails, and then tried to write about it on here and I got SO upset.  I just never wanted to hurt my parents.  I hated to see them suffer when I was growing up.  How fucking alanonic is that?  Now I'm crying again.  Well I guess it is safe to say I am acting like a 3 year old - holy crap.  Is this authentic?  Would it have been easier if I just wanted to sound fake?  I'm getting tired at least.  Can you imagine all of this with alcohol dumped on it?  And pot and penises?  It was a mess I tell you - a total fucking mess.  I'm so glad that now at least I have the chance to even out - balance out one day.  My sister doesn't read this anymore but if it weren't for her talking to me for 4 hours at a time that first year I got sober - I don't know if I could have done it.  HOURS she spent - HOURS.  Can you imagine talking to my crazy ass for 4 HOURS on the phone?  More than once??  Amazing.  Well I love you Blueberry.  I feel like I should end this blog here.....but I'm not going to.  Happy 3 to me and 2 !/2 to you!!!  I love you!!!