Okay.

I woke up really depressed - I'm having these dips into depression and I just realized it's perhaps something in me is healing.  I always tell people that are new to the program that are a mess - that they are a mess because they are actually getting sober.  So I'm trying (and I'm kind of smirking as I am about to write this because I know it sounds so ridiculous) to heal these childhood ills - whatever they are and I'm trying to heal my heart and get even more sober and it's hard.  Here's the other thing I just realized - part of what I go to meetings for, is to look at men and possible find one.  Um - what?  So how does this affect my healing?  Who can shop and heal while also trying to figure out if they look fat at the same time?   My friend and I were talking yesterday about how we don't want someone who is an addict anymore and I really don't.  It just occurred to me how much more quickly my healing would progress if I just went to meetings to get sober and help other people.  Fucking a.  Ugh - what a relief - what a relief to realize that.  Here's the other thing - when I woke up so sad I just wanted to go back to bed and instead I took care of things and walked the dog and then walked/jogged/sprinted in the park and that helped SO MUCH.  The sunshine, the trees and the air.  The ducks too - I love those ducks.  Quack.  I have to go about my day now.  Love you Bluebie.