I'm losing my MIND over this jewelry!!!!

Omg - seriously I need to calm down and take breather.  It's so much work but I LOVE IT.  I'm OBSESSED with this jewelry!!  I finally got my necklace that I won from November and IT'S HUGE and I LOVE IT.  Okay I spent the last 2 days just messaging people, making parties and event invites and WOWZERS.  Okay so what so it's fun and now I like jewelry - does that make me a bad person?  NO - great - let's move on.  I'm tired and bloated.  I'm going to go to dance class tonight.  So that should be fun.  Looking at myself in the mirror jumping up and down with 10 pounds of boobs and gut going up and down - up and down.  What?  I'm so weird today - I'm tired and punchy.  I need water - I haven't had any since I left this morning. Okay so I'm going to go get some before I fall over.  WHY IS WINTER SO FAT???  Bye.

Daily Reprieve and where have I been?

WOW - I can't believe how hard it is for me to keep up with this!  I haven't written on here for a week.  Whoa.  Okay - well - here I am now.  I snowed in from this huge blizzard that wasn't even actually a blizzard.  I got tons of rest and it has been absolute heaven being at home, cooking at home, doing the dishes and I took a bath last night - glorious.  I also went to a meeting around the corner from my house so that was great also.  ALTHOUGH I had carrot cake there and it made my pee ORANGE this morning and before I realized it was the cake I thought I was DYING.  Jesus.  I fell down in the park yesterday so I thought that's what it was - that I had internal bleeding and I was peeing orange blood.  Whoaaa.  Anyway - back to the daily reprieve.  So it is said in the program that we have (I'm sure I've written this before but for some reason yesterday I heard it - I really heard it and I found it so profound) "A daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition."  Um - I think that's what it is.  Okay so this woman I heard last night in the meeting was celebrating 31 years of sobriety and that's what she said.  She said I'm not cured - I just have a daily reprieve and blah blah I don't remember what else she said.  Haha - I'm just kidding - I mean I'm not kidding I can't remember what else she said but that part must have been all I needed to hear.  So that's it - I get 24 hours just like everyone else and I get to grow spiritually everyday inside those 24 hours and I can stay sober.  THAT'S IT.  No pressure!  Jeez.  Well anyway I think I had more to say but I don't know.  I need to go outside - I'm going to try the park again but this time I'm going to wear my snow boots and try not to fall down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Blech.

So I made a huge alanonic mistake working with this person.  I picked up the relationship like a drink even though I had 5 million examples of the relationship making me crazy.  I focus on her and not myself and I want her TO DO WHAT I WANT and if she were just DIFFERENT (like the way I want her to be) then everything would be fine.  Blech.  Barf.  Fucking gross.  So there you go.  It's exhausting also and it makes my self-care flush down the fucking toilet.  So I'm home and I'm so tired and I just want this to stop.  I had this thought on the train - "What if this train was suddenly flooded with water and I died (we weren't under the water but for some reason I thought it and it really affected me)??  Well then would I want to waste all my precious time worrying about someone else?  And it doesn't have to be her - it could be anyone.  I give away my power and let myself be a victim of people and you know what - it's not up to them to decide how I take care of myself - it's up to me.  Just to be clear she is a fucking grouchy ass wanker - so it's not like I'm just triggered by this chick.  But I don't have enough patience and compassion in me to deal with someone like that consistently - I just don't and I need to be responsible for that - that's it.  Okay tomorrow is a new day.  Fuck!  More chances to try and behave like a woman of grace & dignity.  More chances to forgive myself.  More chances to breathe and let God (the universe - the way - the light - the love) inside me.  Ado sweet Blubie ado.

Rainy Sunday.

I'm at the guy's house - I brought my laptop so I can write on here.  We had a super lovely day yesterday and I got about 9 hours of sleep so I feel good.  Ha - I guess that's all I need to feel good in the morning - 9 hours of sleep.  Holy shit - who can get 9 hours of sleep every night?  Now he is making eggs and I'm writing on here.  Anyway - so I have no idea how I am going to balance my life here with this guy and my comedy and acting.  And I have no idea how to balance my acting with my day job.  And I have no idea how to - ugh - get more jobs.  So I am at a weird impasse so to speak.  I mean it's not a fork exactly - I don't know what it is.  I just don't know how to do all this.  I am hosting a show tonight which is wonderful.  Some part of me just wants to go to sleep early and wake up and get a manicure.  I don't know maybe that would make me happy for 3 days and then it wouldn't be enough.  How is my acting and comedy going to grow?  It takes time and time hanging out in clubs, videos - shows.  Ugh.  I don't know I guess I feel directionless.  I have to say my instinct is telling me that that's a good thing.  I have been going in a direction in my head that I thought was right and it wasn't.  So.  So okay - everything is different.  Fine.  I guess I am just going to do the homework I have to do for today and keep going - that's it.  I love the jewelry - it's super fun and I look one million times better - which makes me feel better - so that's awesome.  So grateful to be sober and figuring out how to live differently even if it is confusing and well - requiring patience.  Huh?  That was a weird sentence!  Ha.  Looooove you Bluebie bye.

Christ! My mind.

OKAY.  Sorry I'm yelling.  I'm very stressed out although I am better today.  Yesterday I was so stressed out that my stomach was extended by like 40 feet.  My guy came over last night and I burped for 2 hours.  It was seriously sexy.  No - no it wasn't.  His back hurt - I was burping and I was so UPSET from having woken up at 5:30 so I could get to a networking event.  For the jewelry.  But there was mostly lawyers and - I don't what you call it?  Business owners and professionals?  Ha!  Fish out of jewelry I tell you.  So then - yeah I was just a mess.  I went to bed in enough time I guess but I'm just not used to waking up that early and I just keep getting myself into such a tizzy about this jewelry.  I was at that networking thing and I was like why aren't I up doing something for my acting or my comedy?  But okay - whatever - it's done and it was helpful I'm sure although I don't know how.  Here's the thing.  Can't I be nice to myself?  Can't I do that now?  I have been missing meetings and I didn't get to pray & meditate yesterday and honestly until I got to do that today - I really didn't feel settled.  I think (no I know) that I am going completely hog wild batshit crazy drinking caffeine.  OKAY SO I JUST NEED TO CUT BACK ON CAFFEINE AND BE NICE TO MYSELF GO TO MORE MEETINGS AND BE POSITIVE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.  Ha and whoaaaa.  Love you Bluebie bye!

Class.

My acting class started again last night and it had 28 people in it!  I was like oh my GOD - we are never getting out of here!  Then the first guy started to perform and I thought I was going to die of boredom and then - by the end of the class - I was IN LOVE with acting all over again and had learned 5 million lessons.  I just did some sides from a sitcom and my teacher said I can't give too much.  I HOLD BACK SO MUCH.  Jesus - I hold back SO much in real life but there is NO ROOM for that in performing.  So he said I have to be like an athlete and to FOLLOW THROUGH.  Jesus - have you ever heard of anything more difficult in your life?  In my life?  Ha.  He said something to the affect of I need to give the audience what they want.  Wow - so terrifying.  My other teacher was there and he said to reaaally take in what this new teacher was saying.  I said it made me uncomfortable and vulnerable and he said that's what I'm there for.  Which is 100% true.  I got my hair cut & straightened yesterday and it's like I'm a new person.  Unreal.  Self-care.  Self-care that I charged on my credit card.  So anyway - its day 1959 and I feel fine.  Time to cancel my cable - love you Bluebie bye!!

2015 and the Golden Globes

Where have I been??  I am watching the Golden Globes and crying.  I've been so busy with the guy.  Oh boy - he's so wonderful - so sweet - so loving and he shows the fuck up.  But I am doing the same.  But it's a lot of work and takes a lot of my time.  While I'm at work I have been working like a mad woman at selling the jewelry.  I had a jewelry party yesterday and sort of fucked the whole thing up - but after a lot of finagling - ironed it all out.  The computer at work got a virus on Friday and I have been so freaked out about it - like somehow I caused it.  Guess what?  Maybe I did but you know what who cares?  Not who cares but I was going to offer to pay to have it fixed but you know what?  WHY?  I have no idea what happened and it's not my store and I have done so many things and shown up there and she has it SO good with me.  So whatever.  I told my therapist what happened and she said "Maybe you don't want to work there anymore."  Ha.  Okay - well maybe not but I still didn't give the computer a virus and I still shouldn't have to pay for it.  RIGHT???  I went to a meeting tonight.  I am so tired all of sudden.  I miss you Bluebie bye!!