Blech.

So I made a huge alanonic mistake working with this person.  I picked up the relationship like a drink even though I had 5 million examples of the relationship making me crazy.  I focus on her and not myself and I want her TO DO WHAT I WANT and if she were just DIFFERENT (like the way I want her to be) then everything would be fine.  Blech.  Barf.  Fucking gross.  So there you go.  It's exhausting also and it makes my self-care flush down the fucking toilet.  So I'm home and I'm so tired and I just want this to stop.  I had this thought on the train - "What if this train was suddenly flooded with water and I died (we weren't under the water but for some reason I thought it and it really affected me)??  Well then would I want to waste all my precious time worrying about someone else?  And it doesn't have to be her - it could be anyone.  I give away my power and let myself be a victim of people and you know what - it's not up to them to decide how I take care of myself - it's up to me.  Just to be clear she is a fucking grouchy ass wanker - so it's not like I'm just triggered by this chick.  But I don't have enough patience and compassion in me to deal with someone like that consistently - I just don't and I need to be responsible for that - that's it.  Okay tomorrow is a new day.  Fuck!  More chances to try and behave like a woman of grace & dignity.  More chances to forgive myself.  More chances to breathe and let God (the universe - the way - the light - the love) inside me.  Ado sweet Blubie ado.