Saturday, June 12, 2010

It smells in here

like dog pee soooo badly. Why? I don't know - I don't get it. All I do get is that I came home to my room UNLOCKED AND THE LIGHT ON. Yes - and there are complete fucking strangers staying in 3 rooms of this house. And guess what - that's why I write all this shit down. Because it's complete fucking bullshit. Absolutely no fucking respect for my boundaries or my privacy or my safety. Fuck - it makes me so fucking angry I swear to God. He is going to be such a lonely old man. I came from work and was instantly upset and wondering what happened and if anything got stolen. I don't even know who is staying here or what they look like. And if it was my - fuuuuuuUUUUCCCCKKKKK - I don't even feel safe writing this. I feel like they will read it somehow. My journal is by my bed and out of everything - that looked and felt like it had been touched. The pen was in a different spot. Could I have not looked the door? I did - I know I did. Did I leave the light on? No - no I did not even turn it on. Look - now I am second guessing myself. I hate living here - I hate it. I hate that because I want privacy and I get nervous that I am made to feel like an uncool asshole. But when I was cool? I would leave for 5 minutes and find someone in my room on my computer - or I would get 90 dollars in change stolen from me or walked in on while I was naked and sleeping or walked inon while I was just sitting here - orororororor - 30 dollars stolen from me when I was gone to the store for 20 minutes. Fuck that. Fuck this place. I have to accept it though because it won't change until it changes. And I wanted to live here. It was perfect - so pretty - so big - so quiet. My friends - pot - drinking - my own bathroom. Seemed amazing - AHHHMAAAAAZZING. Why did he ask me when I was leaving today if I wanted this carpet out of here and act like such a prick about it? He is another example of just when I think he's cool he's a complete douche. It's all because I told him I didn't want him to use my computer and to go to the library. And because I would never fuck him or something? You know - sex? Ha. He's - let's see - I think 14 years younger than me and he's a mooch. He's eaten my food - drank my beers (he only feels privy to take food - he never took booze without asking) and smoked my cigarettes, my pot. It feels like I owe that fucking kid something and I do NOT. He lives here for FREE. FREEEEEEEE. I just - I hav ehad enough - and I know I did this to myself but I should not have to come home to my door unlocked with strangers living here. Okay - so my landlord is the gay 50 soething year old and the other guy is a straight 20 something year old and they are both ridiculous and think that I am a bitch or silly or nervous or WRONG somehow and it's bullshit. I have a right to feel safe. I have paid for this room and I deserve to feel like it's safe while I'm gone. They would suck the fucking living life out of me if I let them. You know blog - you are not hearing their side of the story - for sure. Regardless - I need to move and until then I need my door to stay locked when I lock it. Please please PLEASE lord let this apartment be so amazing or something? Let something amazing come up that I want to go to. Safe, clean, quiet, kind, pretty, loving with a kitchen I can use and where no one eats all my food.

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