Sunday, April 30, 2017

Sunday.

It's a beautiful day and we got up and went jogging.  I am going to a memorial tomorrow for my childhood friend's Mother.  She was such a wonderful woman and so kind to us as kids.  Also a comedian passed away this week who was a really great guy.  He just had me on his show two weeks ago - I can't even believe it.  I don't know - life is short and precious.  As I walked this morning (after I jogged haha) I thought about how lucky I am to have this life and to have the programs that help me to actually live.  I was always scrambling trying to figure out how to live and it was exhausting.  I suppose I am still doing that sometimes but it's a lot less.  My guy said to me today that we just need to cooperate.  We just need to cooperate with God or the Universe or whatever you want to call it - The Flow.  You know I wake up every morning and pray and meditate......and at some point I say thank you and I fucking mean it.  I say thank you for keeping me sober and thank you for not being hung-over.  I get sick to my stomach right now just thinking about a hangover.  I used to wake up and puke bile.  Yellow gross bile and sometimes I couldn't even make it out of bed - I would just puke on the floor, roll over and go back to sleep.  I think it's a good thing to be grateful I am not doing that today or any morning I get to wake up and not be doing that.  Whatever I just have today.  I am feeling very sentimental and I can tell because my nose is tickling.  Whenever I get emotional and start to cry but my nose tickles - I know I'm forcing it.  Jesus - is there anything less attractive than someone trying to FORCE crying?  Haha - whatever.  I am still grateful - that part is authentic at least.  Okay I have so much to do and I have no idea how I am going to get it all done and I need to write!  Okay love you Bluebie byeeee.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Renew and Refresh.

It's Saturday and now I am lucky enough to not have to work the weekends and it has become a time to renew and refresh myself.  Did you know I never even knew that was a thing?  A healthy thing to do??  I always thought I was supposed to drive myself into the ground and then recover at some point.  Or I don't know - who the fuck knows what I thought but regular rest and relaxation was not something I gave myself.  One time my friend - who takes A LOT of vacations - came back from a trip and I was mad because I worked for her so she could go (that's another issue) and when I asked her how her trip was she said "Good - I feel refreshed!"  And I was like WHAT A CUNT!  How DARE she go on vacation and COME BACK REFRESHED.  How insane is that?  Nuts.  Who can live life without being refreshed?  Im so sad that I wasn't giving that to myself.  Ugh it was like I was only able to be uncomfortable and then MORE uncomfortable and then finally rest a little after a breakdown.  I'm a tired person!  I need to be refreshed and renewed.  Fuck it's so uncomfortable to even write this.  Anyway it's beautiful around here now with everything blooming.  I met someone for step-work this morning, went to a meeting, went to breakfast with the ladies and then went to Alanon in Ct with Don for an anniversary meeting.  Then we ate GLUTEN FREE PIZZA.  Ha and barf.  It was pretty good.  Um - I feel like a selfish a-hole writing all of this but then again I am trying to learn how to live in a healthy way so I can be of service.  Am I lying?  NO.  I HAVE SO MUCH GUILT GROSS.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Hmmmmm

I want to complain and be negative but then again I don't.  I'm so tired which seems ridiculous since I got a ton of sleep and I have had fairly mellow days the last few days.  I guess I just get tired.  I am taking care off myself though.  I got up and prayed & meditated, did some yoga, used my kettle bell and jogged on the treadmill.  That sounds a lot more impressive than it is because I do the old lady version of everything.  But whatever I'm doing it.  I should probably push myself a little more because I am never very sore afterwards.  I mean I SWEAT when I am jogging but I'm never really very sore.  We have the podcast tonight and then I have a show.  Oh boy.  It's the driving into the city that's really the stressful part but it's sooooooo much less stressful than when I lived there - holy fuck.  I mean I was never able to really unplug there enough.  Here I really can land and unplug so let's FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.  Barf.  I am having anxiety but I think it's related to the not eating the bread.  I AM STILL NOT EATING BREAD.  Can you fucking imagine?  I am eating cheese but it's so crazy - there's only so much cheese I can eat when it's not ATTACHED TO DELICIOUS BREAD.  Really.  I mean I can eat tons of pizza but how much fucking mozzarella can I eat just by itself OR even WITH pepperoni??  Talk about first world problems gross.  Anyway I really am some sort of mess without the bread.  I have really only been doing this for about a month or so and do you know how many muffins, donuts, Panini's, pizza slices, waffles and burgers with buns I would have eaten?  SO MANY.  I'm so embarrassed.  I was just not feeling good and packing that weight on and now that I am not eating those things I'm just like WOW - how self-destructive can I get.  Whatever it's a PROCESS.  Ha. Well um I enjoyed every pastry I had I will tell you that right now so okay.  I need to work on my comedy now for tonight.  I wrote that and then I INSTANTLY wanted to lay down.  Such a mind fuck.  I feel like a huge part of being an artist is talking myself into actually doing the fucking work.  It's crazy.  Okay did I complain?  I don't know.  Um I think yes but in a positive way.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Day 2784.

I'm kind of a mess.  I'm working on my 4th step again in AA and my 9th step in Alanon.  I just realized last night that I owe my Grandmother and amends.  How in the fuck cold I forget that she was always so upset that I didn't come see her.  That's why this work has to continue and why it takes so long.  It really is the peeling of the onion layers.  I mean COME ON.  So I had to write her a letter since she is dead.  It was excruciating.  It's also - it was hard to just keep it to my behavior.  Wow - being responsible even just ON PAPER with a dead person is SO FUCKING HARD.  Ugh that's why people don't do this shit.  Okay so it's okay - I want to do it so I am doing it.  I want to grow spiritually and I want to be responsible.  I think.  Aw I'm so upset for my guy also - his daughter seems to be MIA again.  Ugh it's heartbreaking to me.  He loves his kids so much.  I mean hes such a sweetheart you know?  He's not all angry and rageful like me.  He's just a great guy and he just wants them to be happy.  It's really so sad I can barely take it.  And I don't even know them really. A little bit but I could see they were good kids when I met them and I could see how much they love him.  Oh life.  Well it's still beautiful out which does make waking up and getting going easier.  I need to get ready and go help those kids.  Yesterday was so hard - they did NOT want to do their homework - I felt like a drill Sargent.  A bad one but still.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Day 2783

I have been going about my life and often thinking of the great post I am going to write when I get home...the title, the content, and the  MESSAGE.  Then I get busy and don't have the time.  Or make the time or whatever.  I forget.  I want to snuggle and watch TV instead.  It occurred to me this weekend that I need clarity around my acting and comedy career.  A clear picture - a clear dream, a clear vision.  I don't have that.  When I think about it I start to panic and think to myself something like this..."I have to submit myself for a ton of things, I need to babysit why don't I dance anymore if I danced I would be in better shape now I need to stop eating dairy if I get a great job I wont be there for those kids to pick them up from school but what am I going to do this Summer?  I can't get attached to a baby if I babysit a baby why am I so focused on babysitting I need to book shows omg what about that show in MAY holy shit I'm fat OMG OMG OMG!!!"  That is what happens.  Oh and throw in a little "AND WHAT AM I DOING FOR THE WORLD ANYWAY???"  Isn't that exhausting?  It feels exhausting just typing it.  Whoa.  So some clarity.  It's okay I can have a clear dream.  I don't have to feel guilty because I want a clear picture for myself - it's really okay.  One day at a time that's all.  IT's officially Spring here - everything is blossoming and the birds are up and at 'em chirping away.  It's so nice.  This time last year was when I finally started to adjust to living here.  How was I working at those jobs and traveling everyday like that on metro-north?  I really don't know how I did that.  Oh Christ that is giving me anxiety thinking about it. I wanted to do it and so I did - that's all.  Now I want something else and that's great.  I had such a nice weekend with the guy - man he is a sweetheart and SO pleasant to be around, just sweet and kind.  Which of course always make me think he is trying to kill me.  MY mind is SO NEGATIVE.  Jesus Fucking Christ.  Okay I am going to go for a walk and enjoy this weather before I go get those kids.  Clarity.  I am aiming for a clear and calm picture.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

So tired....

I'm so busy - it's so great!!  It's wonderful and I am grateful.  The kids are off this week so I only had them a couple of days so now I can catch up with life a little bit.  I have the podcast and a show tonight.  I feel better!  I mean heath-wise - not as depressed.  I am going to throw-up that I am this person but not eating gluten is helping me.  For me - I feel better.  Less - gross.  It's crazy.  I really just think it's blood type thing.  Omg I am so tired - I have to get ready.  Look I am never gong to get really political but Trump is a fucking idiot.  I just - I'm so embarrassed he's our president.  Just - wtf - I mean is this really happening?  Jesus - hes a hot crazy lunatic mess.  Okay gotta go.  Now I am PARANOID HES READING THIS.  Hahahahhaaa - yeah yeah that's happening and he gives a fuck.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Writing.....

We did our podcast the other night and the comedian we interviewed considers herself mainly a writer.  she said she writes everyday and HAS to or she's crazy.  So I today have sat down to write for me show tonight and I have written - NOTHING.  I can't fucking do it.  It's excruciating.  I'm so - UGH - stuck about it.  And just now as I sat down to at least write on here - which isn't excruciating or AS excruciating - I remembered how much I used to LOVE to write.  I loved it and I didn't feel good unless I got to do it.  So what happened???  Is it the drinking?  Did it break my writers bone?  Maybe it's the fact that I wait so long in between writing.  Like exercise - I have to start all over again.  Im going to try to write everyday.  As I was typing that I was thinking "NO IM NOT."  Ha!  Christ.  I should though and see if it helps.  I really do love to write but this like game of chicken with it fucking stinks.  Wow the more nervous I get the more I swear.  Hmmmmm.....so I am hosting this show tonight and I am so nervous.  There are amazing comics on the show and one of them is a woman who has been around forever and is amazing.  Totally intimidating.  That's okay it's a challenge - one I just need to be prepared for that's all.  I have a doctors appointment tomorrow with the Snake Doctor.  Oh man I can't wait.  I just love that doctor.  Okay I have to go and get ready for this.  Or lay down.  Oh my God I am so sleepy all of a sudden.  Okay I am going to rally and stay upright and force myself to do this writing and I am going to fucking write everyday.  Maybe.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Bread.

I stopped eating bread.....and I'm trying to not eat corn now since it also seems to have an advers reaction.  I swear to Blog I am going through withdrawal.  Jesus.  Ugh I feel horrible also.  I don't know I'm so SAD.  Is it bread?  Is it my father?  Did I write about this yesterday?  Am I LOSING MY MIND and I'm sad because I can't even remember losing my  mind?  Holy shitballs.   Fuck I don't know.  Okay I am not even going to write anymore except to say my skin looks great.  So if my skin looks good, I feel horrible and I'm SAD like when I am withdrawing from something then I was ADDICTED TO BREAD??  Are you fucking kidding me?  I can't stand myself right now but at LEAST I AM NOT DONALD TRUMP.  What a giant turd that guy is - he only stinks.  Bye.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

FEELINGS

There's a saying in the program "Feeling aren't facts."  I guess it's a slogan really.  Anyway ever since I got sober and heard that I was like "THE ONLY FACTS ARE FEELINGS."  All I am is feelings - what else am I but feelings?  I'm sure I have written about this before but good fucking Lord I cant remember anything anymore.  Well anyway - I'm home again and I have gotten back into the swing of things.  Picking up the kids and doing shows.  It's fairly painful to get back into the grind of things - it was so exciting to be traveling and working.  That being said I'm super grateful to have a life to get back to and such a great guy.  I missed him so much!  That part was hard.  Ugh anyway - I am having negative feelings about a friend and it's just uncomfortable and it feels so BIG.  Which then feels like it really means something and it doesn't.  Mt therapist said to me the last time we met that I have these big feelings that I don't know how to deal with and it was so confusing to me.  I was like "IS THAT WHAT I AM HERE FOR??"  Good Christ.  Well okay so - ugh I am here in my life and I am grateful for that.  It's nice and quit in this apartment and I was able to get on the treadmill this morning and do my yoga and meditation.  It would be nice if one of these days I start actually LOOKING  like I work out.  WHEN IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN??  Probably when I work out MORE.  Anyway I guess I'm just super uncomfortable and fighting depression a little bit.  Some sadness in my heart but why?  Why is there?  Is it my father dying?  It hasn't even been a year yet - of course I am still grieving.  Its the saddest thing.  Here today - gone tomorrow.  Like that stupid Pret A Manger ad.  What?  Gross.  One day at a time.  I just have to do the next right thing that's all.  Im going to call my Mom and get ready to go get those kids.  All they do is fart.  Yesterday the little girl said "With my other babysitters I used go hide in the corner when I had to fart because I was so embarrassed but not with you - it's fine."  I was like - wow - be you girl - okay.  Wtf.  Haha.  Love you Bluebie bye.