Tuesday, April 4, 2017

FEELINGS

There's a saying in the program "Feeling aren't facts."  I guess it's a slogan really.  Anyway ever since I got sober and heard that I was like "THE ONLY FACTS ARE FEELINGS."  All I am is feelings - what else am I but feelings?  I'm sure I have written about this before but good fucking Lord I cant remember anything anymore.  Well anyway - I'm home again and I have gotten back into the swing of things.  Picking up the kids and doing shows.  It's fairly painful to get back into the grind of things - it was so exciting to be traveling and working.  That being said I'm super grateful to have a life to get back to and such a great guy.  I missed him so much!  That part was hard.  Ugh anyway - I am having negative feelings about a friend and it's just uncomfortable and it feels so BIG.  Which then feels like it really means something and it doesn't.  Mt therapist said to me the last time we met that I have these big feelings that I don't know how to deal with and it was so confusing to me.  I was like "IS THAT WHAT I AM HERE FOR??"  Good Christ.  Well okay so - ugh I am here in my life and I am grateful for that.  It's nice and quit in this apartment and I was able to get on the treadmill this morning and do my yoga and meditation.  It would be nice if one of these days I start actually LOOKING  like I work out.  WHEN IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN??  Probably when I work out MORE.  Anyway I guess I'm just super uncomfortable and fighting depression a little bit.  Some sadness in my heart but why?  Why is there?  Is it my father dying?  It hasn't even been a year yet - of course I am still grieving.  Its the saddest thing.  Here today - gone tomorrow.  Like that stupid Pret A Manger ad.  What?  Gross.  One day at a time.  I just have to do the next right thing that's all.  Im going to call my Mom and get ready to go get those kids.  All they do is fart.  Yesterday the little girl said "With my other babysitters I used go hide in the corner when I had to fart because I was so embarrassed but not with you - it's fine."  I was like - wow - be you girl - okay.  Wtf.  Haha.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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