Day 2784.

I'm kind of a mess.  I'm working on my 4th step again in AA and my 9th step in Alanon.  I just realized last night that I owe my Grandmother and amends.  How in the fuck cold I forget that she was always so upset that I didn't come see her.  That's why this work has to continue and why it takes so long.  It really is the peeling of the onion layers.  I mean COME ON.  So I had to write her a letter since she is dead.  It was excruciating.  It's also - it was hard to just keep it to my behavior.  Wow - being responsible even just ON PAPER with a dead person is SO FUCKING HARD.  Ugh that's why people don't do this shit.  Okay so it's okay - I want to do it so I am doing it.  I want to grow spiritually and I want to be responsible.  I think.  Aw I'm so upset for my guy also - his daughter seems to be MIA again.  Ugh it's heartbreaking to me.  He loves his kids so much.  I mean hes such a sweetheart you know?  He's not all angry and rageful like me.  He's just a great guy and he just wants them to be happy.  It's really so sad I can barely take it.  And I don't even know them really. A little bit but I could see they were good kids when I met them and I could see how much they love him.  Oh life.  Well it's still beautiful out which does make waking up and getting going easier.  I need to get ready and go help those kids.  Yesterday was so hard - they did NOT want to do their homework - I felt like a drill Sargent.  A bad one but still.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.