Ugh.

I have felt so much better lately having decided that my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.  Then I had the most lovely weekend with the guy - we went to the beach yesterday and made dinner last night - it was glorious and fun - so great.  Today we got and went jogging - okay I jogged a little and he jogged a lot more while I walked.  Then I came back to the city and went to New Jersey to a meeting at my sponsor's sponsor's house.  Oh boy - well it was a long trip - from 1:00 - 7:30 and honestly I wanted to jump out of the car at the Holland Tunnel and walk back to the city?  I felt like there was something wrong with me but the reality is probably everyone else felt that way too.  It was a gorgeous day, the meeting was outside which was amazing, there was lovely snacks and it was GREAT but I just don't know - no I do know - I do.  I'm so alanonic and worried about everyone else and their feelings and fucking BARF on a fucking turd slice.  Holy shit.  It's so confusing.  I mean I am beyond grateful to be sober but honestly I have to figure out how to not be so effected by other people and their stuff - their feelings - I just can't.  I mean who can?  I feel like this antennae that is just like zeroed in on people's reactions and - uncomfortableness and ugh - whatever.  Anyway.  My mind is kind of - I don't know what - fogged.  I will figure it out I guess - I will do the work I need to do in order to not feel this way.  Good night my sweetest Blueb.

Day 1850.

Holy shit - that's a lot of days.  So I have been super busy trying to get my shit together to sell this jewelry line - which has been so totally fun.  I didn't even know I liked jewelry!  It's challenging - I'm a disaster with technology and for the first couple of days I lost my mind being desperate.  Now I have calmed down and I'm just treating it like a game to see if I could possible do this - no pressure - which is a million times better.  I want to be able to have my own shop one day, health insurance, a beautiful - but small and easy to clean home, be able to travel and buy gifts for my family and loved ones, maybe adopt a baby an a dog or 12 that need rescuing - and this will let me see if I could possibly own my own business or not.  Also - I had no idea - 1 how much women (and dudes - gay dudes - or transitioning dudes) love jewelry and 2 - oh wow - I forgot what 2 was.  OH!  That I even like jewelry!  IT's SO fun and can make an outfit COMPLETELY different.  I started wearing the jewelry and people started saying how much better I look.  Well fuck them - I looked fine before but anyway from a research point of view - it's interesting.  So I hosted a show last night which was totally fun and made it to only 20 minutes of a meeting but still - I got there.  I'm meeting a newcomer at a meeting today and then going and getting a mammogram.  I REALLY don't want to but I guess - gross - well I'm getting older and that's what we have to do I guess.  I was supposed to go this morning but I turned off my alarm and fell asleep for 2 more hours.  Ha!  I want to tie my jewelry line up with a charity so I can give back right away.  I just loved my dog and all of my animals throughout my life so much - so I think I'm going to find some sort of rescue and link up with them.  I just want to give back to the Universe somehow.  WOW - I am slow moving today - I need to get to praying & meditating so I can meet this girl at the meeting.  Okay - I love you Bluebie bye!!!

Whelp....

It's hard to write here all the time what with getting laid all the time.  Juuust kidding.  I guess I only need to complain about myself a few times a week.  I went to an alanon meeting tonight and everyone talked about their drinking - that was weird.  I feel better - I had a nice weekend.  I was so tired on Saturday and I had been out all day and I was supposed to get on the train in Harlem and go see the guy - I had my period - I felt so awful and I was surrounded by laundry and I was having a meltdown.  Do you know what he did?  He came and picked me up and then he DID MY LAUNDRY.  I know - I fucking totally know.  It was so fucking nice - I mean there's a washer and drier at his house - but still - STILL.  I was like totally blown away even more but even more than being blown away more - I just appreciated it so much.  So I made him a ceaser salad.  That was nice right?  Well.  So.  Wow - I just got so tired - I was so busy at the store today - which was great. Did I tell you how I'm the only person in my acting class this whole month?  Isn't that so crazy?  Jeez - even a year ago it would have been a dream come true.  But now I am in love with my guy and well - I guess it's great to have the one on one time with a teacher.  Last week he told me his whole workout schedule and - well literally his whole schedule.  Then he told me how he has trouble dating because he doesn't understand women.  I really wanted to say "Why don't you just try LISTENING to them instead of just constantly talking about yourself??"  But you know - he'll figure it out.  I'm working on Shakespeare so that's fun.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Switch.

Well after another horrible day yesterday and feeling really scared about how not well I was - I had a totally cathartic experience at a Natalie Merchant concert last night.  I'm not really even a fan or I wasn't anyway but there was some kind of tectonic shift that happened and I feel SO much better.  First of all as soon as we got there my guy went to the bathroom and while he was in there some man collapsed in front of me.  It was crazy - he was in his 60s and my instinct said it wasn't good so I offered to call 911 which they said not to - there was a nurse in the house.  Okaaay so I waited until it was clear that he was really not fucking okay and then I called - which I will never wait again - but well - finally the medics came and he - well I don't know - it made my thoughts about myself dissipate.  Plus at this point his wife was kind of hysterical - of course and I just was shook up.  So we go to the concert and it was AMAZING.  This gospel singer Corliss Stafford broke my heart wide open and there was this super hot chick drummer.  I don't know - I just sat there crying and listening (and trying not to kill the fucking bizarre woman who was eating popcorn throughout the WHOLE concert like a fucking psycho) and I found myself thinking "WHO GIVES A SHIT?  WHO FUCKING CARES I'M DONE."  But in a really great way.  I can't really explain it - I was just like fuck it - I'm doing everything in a completely different way now - that's it - none of this has worked (I'm not talking about sobriety or the guy) and that's it - I just want to be sober - get my alanon shit together and just do things completely in a different direction - that's it - turn it around and fuck it.  So there you go - love you Bluebie bye.

Responsible Feelings.

Well - so I went to alanon last night and I felt a million times better and re-remembered for the umteenth time how codependent and responsible I feel for other peoples feelings and how angry it makes me.  So okay - good.  This morning I was sitting next to this woman on the subway - well actually she was sort of sitting ON me rather - she got on after me and did that weird sat right next to me even though there are seats all over the place thing and she had this giant bag that was resting on me.  She seemed sad and upset and I really was annoyed.  But I was also worried about her feelings.  I mean she was upset - I hated feeling that and I was also annoyed that her purse was laying all over me.  So when I finally got off the express train to the local I felt so relived to be away from her energy and I just realized how not responsible I am for my own feelings.  I didn't liek the way she felt and I could have gotten up and moved - that simple.  And I'm not repsonsible for that woman's feelings or anyone else's - I'm responsible for my own.  Only I'm not all the time - I'm too worried about other people and what is happening with them and how to navigate aroudn their feelings.  HOLY SHIT THAT SUCKS.  I have pms.  Thank you.  I just realized I need to be responsible for my own feelings - that's it.  Which is terrifying because on some level I feel like I don't matter enough.  Everyone else does.  Gross. Bye.

Pile of Shit.

I feel like a pile of shit.  I just don't feel well.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  I think it's because I need alanon and what I don't understand or at least up until about an hour ago - I didn't understand WHY suddenly I'm so alanonic and fucked up.  I mean I just feel BAD and tired and I can't get anything done.  I was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:50.  I have no idea why this is writing in italics right now what the fuck.  I really don't.  Um okay well whatever I'm just going to keep writing.  Oh I guess I somehow hit the Italics button????  Okay now I'm flustered.  Anyway so I'm tired and I'm not getting any relief from AA meetings so tonight I am going to an alanon meeting because the other girl who works here asked me to switch my schedule for her - because of her baby blah, blah - husband - blah, blah - etc and I ALMOST HAVE LOST MY MIND OVER IT.  I'm offended she asked and I couldn't for the life of me say no even though my reason for saying no was because I just don't want to - it just feels wrong.  Not for certain days but for the day she asked.  I just reread the email and it is SO manipulative - which I get and I have been.  I don't know - I just feel crazy and out of control with money and I need another job - not to switch this job around more - you know??  I have been upset ALL DAY.  I had one thing I really needed to do here today and it took me all day to do it.  I'm sad I'm such a mess and when the holy mother fuck am I going to get my power back?  I just can't seem to get it.  That being said on Saturday I had the nicest day with the guy.  We went to the movies and made dinner - it was so great - he's so great - so kind and sweet to me.  Patient.  I'm going to call a sponsee.  I don't want to but I'm going to.  Not only am I alanonic I'm so self-centered right now it's unreal.  Or very, very real.  I wanted that to be funny but it's just pathetic.  Love you Bluebie - let's keep moving forward.  What?

Down day.

Why does this keep happening?  I don't feel great today although I was able to wake up, get myself to the doctor, buy my cousin's babies presents and get to a meeting.  Also I ate an egg and cheese from an Upper West Side Jewish deli that was the most delicious and bizarre thing I have ever had.  It was on this giant what I guess was potato roll (it was yellow) with sesame seeds and it and I don't know - it was just delicious.  And expensive - holy fuck.  Anyway - well I'm here in my apartment and I did the dishes and what else?  I was supposed to do a show tonight but I can't get there in time after THERAPY (what omg) and so I had to cancel.  What am I doing?  I was on such an upswing for 2 days.  I had an audition - my hair looked good - ugh.  Now I feel hairy & fat and my hair is a mess.  Also I let them give me a couple of vaccines at the doctor's and it scared the shit out of me.  Here is where I think Alanon stuff kicks in for me.  It's so fucking hard for me to take care of myself - it really is and then I'm so fucking hard on myself.  Also I'm scared about money and I did go buy a play to work on for class on Tuesday.  That didn't make any sense and one thing has nothing to do with the other I am just trying to say that I DID SOMETHING TODAY aaand I am scared about money.  Lord have ever loving mercy I am a mess.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Poem.

It's 3:11
It's 9/11
I hate 9/11.
It makes me so sad.
Everyone forgot about it this year.
I didn't .

I'm up, I'm down, I'm up - I'm down but right now I'm up.

So that's good I guess.  I've just been having a hard time figuring out where to go and money is so totally super tight.  So it's the weirdest thing that I have having SUCH a hard time replacing waitressing.  I mean what did I think - I was going to do it forever?  Maybe - somewhere deep inside me maybe I really thought that.  Well I can't.  I even tried to get a couple of jobs and it hasn't worked out - waitressing that is.  It's just over and it feels like (I'm embarrassed to say) like what happened at the end of my drinking - I couldn't drink anymore and I had no idea what to do so I just had to be really uncomfortable and go into the program.  So now I'm just really uncomfortable and trying new things.  I am applying to jobs and I am reaching out.  Holy shit my neck is so fucking tense right now.  I also just told myself to keep searching and just figure it out.  That's all.  And take showers.  I didn't take a shower yesterday and it was a gloomy day and honestly I got a little suicidal.  I mean not totally just a tinge of why do I exist.  Anyway I spoke at a meeting on Monday night and turned bright red and cried - sexy right?  I also broke out in a rash on my face.  SO - that was good.  Well and it was good - I was of service - whatever that means.  I men it means what it means - I'm just trying not to say it from an ego place. OMG.  Bye.

on my phone

Omg its like i live in the future posting from my phone. Oh this is weird. Going back to the city came to see the guy last night after
work. Went to dinner and woke up and went jogging. Now that im not waitressing i can get in shape for real again. I didnt last very long but it was great. Its a beautiful day. Oh everything just got big for some reason. Well yeah so in love with this guy and going back to the city to be my own person plus i told someone i woukd meet them at a meeting. Omg im sooo hungrh bye. Love you Blubers!!

HI.

WOW.  Okay.  Okay.  OKAY.  Fuck.  FUUUUCK.  This is so crazy - I mean nothing is happening so crazy - I just mean I stayed sober and I made it through my anniversary and I feel better.  I feel better and I am SO GLAD I stayed sober - so glad I am sober.  Whatever - one day at a time and it's almost midnight so there's a whole new day to go in about 35 seconds.  I'm so tired.  I worked today at a different job and I work tomorrow at the store.  I love my guy so much and everyone was so sweet about my anniversary - which I am so grateful to have had and a new day is here.  What?  I don't know.  So - well - I just wanted to write on here so much and I'm so tired - I will write more tomorrow - love you Bluebie bye.

Day 1825.

Yeesh.  Well it's finally September and hopefully once my anniversary happens I will feel a little bit more even.  Balanced?  I don't know.  I just went for a jog/walk in the park and as I entered the park a lady working told me to be careful because a woman got murdered a couple of weeks ago.  Of course I was so upset and then decided I should never exercise again.  Isn't that so awful?  I don't know - I should check to see if that really happened because she was also talking to the squirrels.  Well I still went through the park - it's a holiday - tons of people and I've also been in the park early in the morning and there were tons of people - I mean TONS - so I don't know - but again of course it was upsetting.  I had such a nice weekend with the guy - we went to see my parents, went to my brother's birthday party - went to a picnic yesterday.  Then we got in an argument in the car - ugh - I just really can't fucking stand that he is married sometimes and it gets to me - that's it.  That's actually not just it - I have jealousy problems and insecurities and UGH - I don't know - I asked a question - he answered - I got upset.  He did answer in a douche way though - he really did.  OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING??  He is such a great guy.  Okay - whatever.  Went to a meeting last night - hosted a show, came home and got a decent night's sleep - he slept over and I woke up and prayed and meditated and got myself jogging in the park.  It is completely nerve wracking to have all this time off but then again - I was so exhausted.  Okay - it's going to be okay.  I FEEL WEIRD NOT WORKING ON LABOR DAY.  I'm going to a meeting later and I'm going to go get some groceries and get myself together here in my apartment - do some cleaning and make some phone calls.  Oh sigh - I just feel crazy that's all.  Well at least now I know what to do I guess.  It makes me sad but I suppose I would feel worse if I didn't know what to do.  Love you Bluebie bye.