Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Acting and where the fuck is my bagel??

I ordered a bagel to be delivered.  Is there seriously anything more ridiculous?  It's pouring rain today - this weather has so sucked my balls lately.  Shouls I get a sun lamp?  I mean I feel like I really should. except I'm broke.  Okay so last night I had class.  I didn't want to go I was so tired and blah, blah, blah.  My bagel just got here and it's huge and delicious.  So - so I go to my big meeting, get to class and I was completely falling asleep during the first scene - and I mean asleep.  It's fair to say I took a nap during it.  So I think that there is no way I'm going to be able to work - especially because I didn't even WANT to.  But I figured - hey why not try and just do the technique I'm learning -
PAYING for - just DO it and see what happens.  I don't know what I thought I just knew I couldn't just get up there and not work and I couldn't just go out in the hallway and not prepare.  So.  So I did and then I decided to be really brave and REALLY talk to the audience.  That's always been a big problem for me too - I get so uncomfortable talking to the audience.  And in this piece she is talking directly to the audience - they are a part of the monologue.  I was also concerned because I didn't have it totally memorized but he never cares about hat and it's class and it's - as he says a process.  Only he says it with a hard o - prOcess.  So bizarre.  Anyway I was able to work and I learned more and I felt better afterwards and I went home feeling okay.  My teacher was happy.  Class got out a little early which was good because I had to take the bus home part of the way because of train work - ugh - awful.  I got home, took out the dog, watched Castle, did some yoga, took care of teeth, and went to bed feeling good.  I got up and took total care of myself - made coffee, prayed & meditated, took a shower and shaved - I even did my hair before I left - a miracle.  There was a woman on the train who had on 2 totally different socks and I used to do that.  I always had on 2 different socks and I always said I liked having 2 different sock s but really I just couldn't get it together to ever have on the same socks so I just said fuck it and whenever I did laundry just bunched up together with whatever.  A man from my class sent me a message that said "Beautiful girl - great work tonight."  It was one of the nicest things - ever.  So kind.  I'm not going to write about what I am freaking out about - my issues - my THINKING brain.  I'm just going to say I keep praying for it to be removed, taking care of myself and - keep on keeping on.  I just took a glorious poop.  Things have really changed and now - now I am praying to trust that this will change as well.  That's all and I don't care if it doesn't make total sense.  Bye Blueberry - I love you with all my heart.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Let's see......

I should be doing work - I'm at work but I really want to write.  The other girl left a box full of dresses for me to deal with - ugh.  It's okay - it will give me something to d and they are cute so we can make some sales hopefully.  Okay - so I got up and took care of myself again even though I woke up sad again.  This time I went right to praying & meditating - did NOT look on Facebook and I felt an actual shift while meditating.  Then the most amazing thing happened on the subway while I continued to meditate.....I felt compassion for myself.  I was reallly able to see how - incorrect my perception is and I was also able to really see how the ickiness - the rage - the negative thoughts - the THING that is inside my mind and heart - the THING that makes me lash out at other people and just be AWFUL - I was really able to see it as a sickness and how the real me isn't that.  I didn't have all those thoughts on the subway really and I don't think I am expressing it correctly at all.  But while I was on the subway my heart opened up to myself - I felt my heart grow and I felt compassion for myself.  You know like when the Grinch's heart grows?  It was like that - only less green and more beautiful - if that's possible.  I can really feel inside of me this tangle - there is something all tangled up with my being and it is not useful and - well - I just don't see how it can go away overnight.  It feels like what must have so been a part of my Grandmother.  She would get so mad - I don't feel like writing about it - I just know that for the first time in my life I can see this THING as something that isn't to be acted upon.  Thank God for this job.  I was so grateful to wake up and take a shower and put on pretty, clean clothes and come here.  I think I'm going to got to extra therapy for awhile.  Okay Blueberry - now if I can just let myself really work on my craft - really let it happen.  Follow the love.  Scary.  Bye.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Tired.

In bed with the laptop on my belly.  I had a sad day of - what - feeling.  Sad.  All my issues were all flared up but the amazing thing is I took good care of myself.  I did.  I'm so tired.  What else is there to say?  I'm bored.  I'm listless - I hate this weather.  I'm going to bed - bye.  I took good care of me but what about my art?  When is that EVER coming back?  Fuck.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Break through of another kind.

All I ever write about on this blog is about being a drunk in recovery but I'm more than that - right?  Yes.  Tonight I had a break through in my acting class.  So many times in the past - before I became a drunk and when I was doing lots of comedy and performing - I would have down nights - tired nights and I just couldn't "get it up" as it were.  I just couldn't make it happen.  I had no idea how to push past or work through not only being tired but also sometimes being depressed - whatever - not focused - not in a place to work.  So I would bomb onstage or tank at the audition - something like that.  But I mean tired & depressed usually - whatever - you get the picture right?  So tonight I go to class and I am so tired - the class is at 8:30 on Friday night for crying out loud - it's LATE.  I had done a shitload of laundry today - cooked, did dishes, had sex (with a condom - you're welcome), went to a meeting, went to the diner, worked a long ass double yesterday - I was TIRED tonight.  So I go to class and I tell this girl I'm so tired and I feel like I am going to fail already.  When it was time for me to work - what happened?  I was so unfocused at the top and I had actually warmed up - FUCK - this is such a boring story - I am totally losing FOCUS.  What am I talking about???  Okay - I realized I have tools now and the biggest one is draining myself OUT and filling myself UP with the character.  Do you know what happened when I did that - FINALLY??  I wasn't tired and I was able to work.  What a fascinating tool.  Jesus.  I mean at this time last year I was unable to even realize that's what was happening - that I was just tired but there is a way to still be able to WORK.  What a valuable lesson I learned tonight.  Honestly after all the shows I have seen lately and how HARD it is to do even one show sometimes - let alone 8 a week - I was like - I really don't know if I can do this.  But after tonight - I think I might be able to.  Also - as a side note - knowing that my jealousy is an issue that I need to take care of and be responsible for - it has gotten better.  I am also aware suddenly how selfish it is to expect someone else to take care of my jealous feelings.  Or any of my feelings for that matter.  I mean hello - what the fuck.  Now if I could just recognize that I deserve to get paid for doing what I love and RELEASE myself from being a fucking WAITRESS.  I am grateful to have jobs - thank you.  Okay - I need an English Muffin.  So do you Blueberry - love you.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Serius Thursday.

It's cold today - 28 degrees.  I went home last night after working with my sponsor and I took the dog out, took a shower, did some yoga, read a little bit and WENT TO BED.  I slept okay - moslty after focusing on deactivating my anxiety and focusing on sleeping.  Then I got up late, prayed and meditated and took the dog out again, took another shower and got myself to work.  I look better - I feel so much better.  I have heard so often in the program of recovery (how am I not laughing writing this right now?) how we drunks have terrible thinking.  Well - it's true.  I have really realized these last few weeks how negative my thinking is - how hateful it makes me - how not useful it is - how much energy it takes up.  But now - esepcially after working with her last night - how I can see I can stop it.  I can choose to not do that to myself.  I can choose to not google things that will make me feel bad, not look at facebook things that will make me feel bad.  This is a whole different level of self-care.  I mean to say growing up.  This is a new level of growing up.  Remember when I said I wanted to be resposible of my alcoholism and now - maybe I never wrote that - maybe I already wrote what I'm going to write.  Now I want to be resposible for this - hate inside of me.  I almost laughed.  I'm serius though.  I will get sick or I will drink again if I don't manage this.  I am resposible for myself and I am aware now of this inside of me and it is up to me to take care of it and I am willing to.  I feel like it's my Grandmother.  How she was when she was awful.  The victimy, manipulative - rageful thing.  Is that weird?  No - it's not weird.  How beautiful is it that I can finally take care of it - or at least I have the opportunity to take care of it.  I just got hungry.  I'm going to order some food.  Something comforting.  Why am I so sad?  There's such a loneliness to growing up somehow.  Now I'm really crying - I mean not really - there's just tears welling up in my eyes and now it's done.  I think I can do this.  So it's like learning to love myself for real I guess.  Jesus I hope I can get my sense of humor back again soo - this is really - SERIUS.  Yeesh.  Okay Blueberry - I love you.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

How lucky am I?

I may never think that again but today - right now at this moment I do feel lucky.  I also feel emotional and tired and a bit off myself because as I want to cry my nose tickles and that is the number one sign I am being full of shit with my tears and emotions.  That being said this woman just came into the store - I'm not sure how old she is but she definitely just go her hair done - it was freshly colored red and blown out - it looked pretty.  She was very hard though and did that thing that a lot of women do where they demand how much something is because they don't have on their glasses and then after I say the price and tell them it's half off they ask again how much it is.  So you don't have your glasses and you also don't want to think - at ALL?  She was hard you know - I just thought - ugh - she's ugly on the inside.  She finally goes into the dressing room to try on clothes and I realize - she's unhappy right?  I mean - there's no love beaming from this woman - no softness - no light or joy.  So isn't that so sad?  I can see that happening - life is hard and so is arm cellulite which she had plenty of.  So do I!!!  However I also have these programs where I get to farm love inside of myself if I wish.  I mean isn't that the point?  More fake crying and nose tickling.  I don't know - she has pretty eyes and maybe she just hates being older - which I can totally understand.  But she was flinging things around on the racks and she kept opening the door all super hard to the dressing room.  I have no idea - the dressing room had the worst energy and that weird awful smell of people who aren't happy in there - I had to clap the energy out.  Fuck I'm just grateful and I feel lucky to be in these programs that are FREE.  I can learn to love if I want to - that's all and that feels very lucky to me.  Bye Blueberry - love you.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Ugh.

How do I have fun with someone who is leaving?  How do I have fun in a relationship that is ultimately not going to work?  We went to the movies yesterday and got a quick bite to eat and it was so fun.  I'm just - a mess still.  I'm better - I worked so hard all weekend - so hard.  I just - it's exhausting.  I had no idea - I had no idea that I had all this in me.  There is a customer here and it's really fucking weird to be writing this while someone is looking at earrings.  I'm so serious lately - it's awful.  The woman who was here earlier?  She kept talking to me and staring at herself in the mirror.  She would get my attention and then start talking and turn to the mirror and look at herself.  It was like she wanted me to pay attention to her so she could talk to herself in the mirror.  What the fuck is that?  I'm upset.  I will never be able to have a relationship until I take care of these issues and by - I don't know what I was writing.  It's later now - that woman bought a pair of earrings and my lunch came - I got all distracted.  I ate hoping I would feel better but now I had to stop myself from crying.  I'm just tired and lonely.  How is it I am lonely but whenever I have people around me I just want them to get the fuck away from me?  Well here's the good part of the story - I have finally looked at the things that have always alluded me and I have ignored and numbed with booze and pot.  And I have tools for how to deal with these things.  Maybe I shouldn't have had pastrami for breakfast.  Now I'm bored.  I do know this - by the time I do get my shit together it's probably too late for me to have a relationship.  It just feels so weird with him now - I can't explain it - like the magic is gone.  But at least we are having fun again.  My sponsor said I need to love myself and recognize I am loved by my higher power.  Just now I was moving my arms a little bit and missing dancing so much and thinking how hard it is for me to love myself.  Is this where I am now?  I have to fall in love with myself for real?  I have to learn to love myself?  I seriously don't think I can do that.  I mean - but what else am I going to do?  I'm getting all dried up from the negative thinking and the not loving myself.  It does indeed get in the way of the sunlight of the spirit and it is so fucking boring.  I'm so bored - I can't even take it.  Here is the perfect example of how insane my thinking is - my perception.  I just saw a happy couple walking across the street with their dog - the girl looks so happy and secure and I was like "How do they do it?  How did they find each other????"  Then I realized the guy is blind, it's guide dog and she looks like she is just helping him.   Okay - okay.  Okay.  Well I suppose it doesn't do me any good to be mad at myself.  I'm just - not great today - that's all.  FUCK.  Okay - bye.  Love you Blueberry.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Another doozy.

So I don't drink anymore and it turns out I am fucking - wow - I don't want to say crazy - that's not nice and that is not fair.  But I am seeing how completely not functional I am in  relationships.  Do you know the main reason why?  I stop being honest.  I just stop being honest and I start manipulating and not saying what I want - not saying no - not being real - not being me and then I flip the fuck out.  It's so true.  That and I think I'm a lesbian.  What?  No - I don't.  I have always lived in a slight fantasy world and now - now that I am trying to be in reality - what?  This is so exhausting to write and this is more embarrassing than being a drunk.  I'm learning though - I really am.  I don't want to take responsibility for this stuff - I just want to be the victim.  This is what I have done in every relationship.  I get crazy, psycho jealous.  But it's more than that.  I can't stand the feelings - I just can't.  So it's a combination of things.  Okay being an alcoholic and an alanonic.  Gross.  I hate it.  I had a boyfriend once who was like "But I don't understand - it's got to be more - more than just the feelings right?"  He meant it so nicely and he was a FEELER.  He just couldn't understand how I could be bat shit so upset by something that wasn't REAL.  Also - I deserve better.  I'm so fun and I'm sweet and I'm GOOD.  I'm so fabulous but when I get triggered and I get upset - ew - it's gross.  Okay - so awesome.  I just got so tired.  Why do I write this stuff on here?  It's so nuts.  I wrote on the train tonight on the way home and it made the trip go by SO much more quickly - it was awesome.  I know why I write it on here - it's fascinating.  Look I got sober and now I'm really going to get to some shit.  What a beautiful thing to do for myself.  I can do this.  What?  It makes me so uncomfortable to be confident.  Bye Bluebie - love you. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Holy fucking day - My Heart Has No Self-Esteem..

Let's see if I can condense this into the beautiful story of survival that it is.  I woke up upset, sent a text I shouldn't have IMPULSIVELY, looked at Facebook when I should have been praying & meditating - cried, somehow still got myself showered and walked the dog and got to work EARLY.  I was filled with panic and anxiety - I wanted to send the guy MORE texts and I really wanted to drink - I was a MESS.  Then I proceeded to make phone calls - had an amazing discussion with the other girl at the store - my friend and learned some serious dating tips - THEN the most amazing thing of all - besides people answering their phone to talk to me AND calling me back was the discussion I had with my sponsor at the end of the day where I learned I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM.  I have probably written about this numerous times ON HERE but I just NEVER understood it before.  I just never really realized how much it is up to me how I feel about myself and how much hating myself is like picking up a drink.  This is what has always been under everything.  The amazing part was she said she had hated herself too until she made a conscious decision to change it.  But that's not what I thought was so interesting.  She said that she didn't know why she did - she just did and then she decided to change it once she really saw it about herself.  I just was blown away.  It's just like when I realized I was ALWAYS an alcoholic - no one made it happen to me - or not like that anyway.  Or it didn't even matter anyway - I was one - I am on - I need and want to take responsibility for that.  So now I realize I hate myself.  I hate myself - I have low self-esteem and I want other people to love me for me.  So I have and need and WANT to take responsibility for that.  All day today I couldn't feel my heart center - it was so scary.  Continuing to live like this was going to shrivel my heart faster than a pound of bacon a day.  So I went to my meeting and was blown away by the speakers and then went to class and it was wonderful and I kept crying and feeling my heart warm up more & more & more.  Then of course I felt like I was going to die.  Anyway - that's all.  Just a lot of crying at work - as usual but such beautiful support - so kind and loving.  I have to go to sleep.  Good night Blueberry Blog - I love you.  You are such a good listener.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Home again and I've decided....

that this is my thing right?  This is all my shit - victim, blah, blah bullshit.  Trying to control other people and just - EW.  I'm not making a lot of sense and it doesn't matter.  What matters is I'm here and for the first time maybe EVER - I didn't white knuckle through not misbehaving.  I talked about what I was upset about and decided a way to express it without being mean or hurting the other person just to hurt them because I felt hurt.  I have to go through this somehow and now that I'm here I'm not going back.  I'm not either - fuck that.  So - this doesn't make a lot of sense but to me it does.  I'm going to bed.  Good night Blueberry.

Welp....

Yesterday was a tricky one - woke up crying and so upset.  Somehow I got myself to work with my sponsee, to a meeting where I shared and then to that alanon meeting where I also shared and stayed for the whole thing.  And it was FREEZING out yesterday - I just wanted to stay home so badly.  I brought a snack to save money and I came home and made myself dinner AND did the dishes.  Then I brushed my teeth, put in my mouth guard and went to sleep early.  I woke up this morning and my first thought was about how angry the guy makes me and how I was going to send him a text about the different things he does that makes me so upset - really because I want to hurt him.  I didn't - I figured I would wait and see if my alanon sponsor thought it was a good idea - which she did not.  Strange.  So - so after I worked with her I realized that this just isn't right.  It just isn't right and that's what is happening.  I remembered while I was talking to her and complaining about certain things he has said and done that I have probably said similar and done similar things.  Maybe.  Probably.  Definitely.  Here's the good part - I didn't do anything and after this I am going to pray and meditate and see what happens then.  Why do I want to be mean to him?  TO HURT HIM DUH.  But that's not going to work.  I am sitting on the couch right now and it is total heaven.  I'm sitting on one of those soft blankets and I have on comfy clothes and I'm actually COMFORTABLE.  I'm NEVER comfortable.  It's mind blowing really.  What a difference a day can make.  All I had to do was spend an entire uncomfortable day doing things for myself I never would have instinctually thought of to actually make myself feel better, eat a healthy meal and get a good night's sleep and I'm a different person.  Mind blowing.  Yeesh - run on sentence.  I have homework to do for my writing class.  It's raining out.  It's raining on all that snow we just had - yeesh.  I need to do laundry but - yeesh.  I don't know.  Okay - bye Bluebie - love you.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

I'm back.

Still Saturday - still here in my apartment.  Do you know what?  It's fucking AWESOME.  This marathon of Big Bang Theory is also awesome.  Ugh - let's face it - it's really for the best that I am not around other people.  I can figure out more things tomorrow.  I'm so tired.  Bye.  I just wanted to say how happy I am I came home and that it's quiet and cute.  To me.  Ugh - I just got sad again.  At least I'm not filled with rage.  Bye Bluebie - love you still - after all these years.  p.s. I think I might join Match.com.  I want a for real relationship.  I keep seeing commercials for it and all the actors in it look so happy with each other.  Ugh - I'm not even funny right now.

Back here again.....sort of......

I got called off from work after I was already there in the neighborhood.  I went a tiny bit early to go to my meeting - it's slow because of the blizzard.  I was so annoyed but also - once again I'm exhausted.  I'm exhausted and I'm sad.  He was here last night because he got called off and we went to dinner, came back here and made coffee and watched a movie.  I gave him a back rub - he fell asleep and I cried so hard watching the end of the movie and then took pictures of us together while he slept with my laptop.  I woke him up at one point because he was sweating and asked him if he was hot - which he did not like and when I told him I was taking pictures of him while he slept - he said "That's not creepy or anything."  So I deleted all of them.  They looked weird really was what it was.  Here is my point - today while I was making us breakfast his mother called and he was talking more and more about moving to Utah.  Fucking Utah.  I mean I really thought it was a great idea - I still do - he's going to go be with his son.  But what the serious fuck?  What am I doing?  What am I doing spending all this coupley time with someone who is going to LEAVE.  FOREVER.  Ugh - that's not even the real thing - the real thing is that once again I'm not taking CARE OF MYSELF and I'm crazy.  I'm so fucking confused.  Holy shit - honestly I think I just have really bad PMS and I just - I don't know how to take care of myself.  This is good - I can't stay with him anyway.  What?  I am just so tired.  Here's the thing I feel like once again I'm at this place.  "Why is this the guy I get?  Why am I so fucking miserable and unable to take care of myself and say no and have boundaries."  Except - I went to a meeting tonight and then I got some groceries and came home and made myself some food and I'm watching a marathon of Big Bag Theory.  I didn't freak out on her that she called me off and I had clean apartment to come home to.  I don't know - now I'm fucked for money - I wake up everyday so sad and upset that I'm not an actress.  It's winter and I'm broke - I haven't taken a vacation in years.  I just wanted a boyfriend and then a husband and maybe a baby.  A family - I wanted a family.  DO I want him to be my family?  I don't know but now I don't even get to decide.  I like him so much - he make me laugh.  Okay - tomorrow is a new day.  I'm going to take a bath.  Fucking UTAH.  I can't imagine a better thing to go to than your son though - seriously.  I think if I just really start taking care of myself this will all be a lot easier.  I really just feel that in my heart.  Okay - I feel it in my mind.  I will just have to start there.  This is all has to be for the best somehow.  I just want to be loving and kind.  To myself to start and then out.  So okay.  Another long boring post.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Okay - I told myself I wasn't going to do this but I can't help it.....

I was having a bad day yesterday - so sleepy, my hair looked like a wig - I was miserable and felt gross.  I ate a bad lunch and I told myself I was just going home after work and not going to a meeting.  Then I just really wanted to drink.  I was leaving the store and I wanted to drink and/or do drugs - whatever - I wanted some serious fucking relief.  I had decided I was going to go to a meeting because I was so crazy and I went to get a brownie and a coffee first.  All they had at the place was VEGAN banana flavored shit and the girl was a cunt to me (she probably wasn't but IT FELT LIKE IT).  SO I angrily walk away, walk all the way to the meeting - giving some old lady a dirty - I mean DIRTY look and when I finally get to the place - cancelled meeting.  SO I called Intergroup and found a different one - all the fucking way back where I just came form at a meeting place I have been to before and don't really like.  But at this point I'm really nuts so I go.  I go and I'm not kidding you the speaker talks about almost drinking at 3.5 months sober because she let herself get away from the program and away from God.  I only didn't pray & meditate yesterday morning but I haven't been resting or taking proper care of myself because of my house guest.  But also - because I haven't been.  I mean this woman really spoke to me - I shared and honestly I felt completely different when I left that meeting.  I mean come on - really?  Just when I was thinking this isn't for me - it's too much - I go to a meeting, I didn't drink and I went home and took great care of myself and put myself to sleep early.  I still woke up at 2:00 to let the guy in but I went right back to sleep and got up early and worked with my Alanon sponsor.  I think I'm over living here - I want to move to California.  Is that true?  What am I doing?  I want my own family - I want to be balanced.  I want someone who has a job and can take care of me.  On a totally positive note my hair looks AMAZING today!!  The dirtier it gets the better it looks!  Awesome.  I haven't been on a vacation in years.  Years.  I mean - I have been to my parents in Ct.  I suppose that is a vacation.  I'm so tired right now.  Okay - so balance.  I met this man the other night at a meeting - he had 12 years that day and I told him that all I know is that I don't drink and keep going to meetings and after that let things work themselves out.  He said "Yes - yes that's exactly right."  in this Danish accent.  It was weird.  Anyway - I meant that.  Can I just say a lady just called here to the store and sounded WASTED and was asking all sorts of questions about the store and the owner has been ordering from them for YEARS and she had no idea what I was talking about.  She was like "Okay honey - I will look into it."  I was like "Look into what - we have your clothes here in the store - she has been ordering from you guys for years."  She was all slurry and if felt like her words weighed 1000 pounds each.  I AM SO GRATEFUL I DON'T DRINK ANYMORE.  For right now today.  Fucking a fuck.  THIS WAS SO LONG AND ABOUT NOTHING!!!!!!  BYE BLUEBIE - I LOVE YOU.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Hmmm....

so....it's Wednesday and I'm here at the store and I was late but I'm here.  I'm realizing so much lately how my thoughts - how I think so much negatively and then - then that's what happens.  What?  Okay - this morning - I felt like a victim - a victim to what?  I got the guy up and he went in the bathroom and then I was like "OH - great now I can't brush my teeth - he's ruined my day - he's doing whatever he wants and NOW I HAVE A DIRTY MOUTH FACE."  Um - what?  First of all the number of times I have not brushed my teeth before work is many and I had my toothbrush packed away to bring to work ANYWAY.  All I had to do was walk over to the kitchen sink and just BRUSH MY TEETH.  So - are you following me?  There are many more examples of where I just feel victimized but I'm the one doing it.  I'm over it - I can take care of myself and I want to do that.  UGH.  He wakes up sweetly too.  Most of the time I guess.  MORE UGH.  I straightened my hair last night and now I look like I have on one of those wigs that the Jewish women wear.  I don't mean to brag or anything.  HOWEVER - the color looks great.  So once again I feel like I am getting sober in a whole new way.  I mean this is really what and where all my issues have stemmed from.  I have felt like a victim of life - MY WHOLE LIFE.  Do I even mean this?  Yes - yes I do.  And I have such self-defeating thoughts and they all are based around other people somehow fucking me over.  Like I am at the mercy of everyone else.  WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT LAME ASS SHIT?  Just in case you are wondering the status on my hair - I pushed the bangs to the side and put all of the hair on my right shoulder and now it looks so much less like a Jewish wig.  I hope that doesn't sound racist.  I just - well - it's an amazing way to describe my hair before this last adjustment.  How can I be so deep and shallow at the same time?  I'm like an ocean!!!  Gross.  I want to eat a water buffalo.  Or just something big I guess is my point.  I want one of those fake white fluffy rugs for my "living room."  Um - I'm real weird today.  I need to drink A LOT of water, go home and get an amazing night's sleep.  Okay - so have a great cyber day Bluebie.  Love you.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Well I guess it's fair to say I was

overreacting in that last post.  Sort of.  I have wicked - I mean wicked PMS and I am so tired and bloated.  I'm not even that tired.  I'm just bloated and my fuse is so short.  I - I don't know.  I felt like I wanted to write on here so badly and now I am and now I have nothing to say.  He put my bookshelf together.  Why is men putting shit together so sexy?  He has been staying with me because he got kicked out of his place - I mean not his fault at all - the landlord wasn't paying the rent but - but - but - I just - I'm tired and I feel like I'm being used - all my stuff - all my same stuff.  OKAY HERE IT GOES>  I'M SWITCHING IT UP.  Look - I'm living my life - FINALLY - in the spiritual way I have always wanted to - I'm sober and I'm working every FUCKING day on being a better person.  So if I'm spiritual let's try a completely different approach to my artist life.  I'm just going to do what I love.  While being a grown-up and being responsible.  AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE???  When I wake up in the morning and my first thoughts are how I'm not Beyonce and I'm not Ryan Gosling and I'm not Angelina Jolie - do you know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to say that's right I'm ME!  No - maybe I won't do that - maybe I will just say "THAT'S NOT NICE TO SAY TO MYSELF."  I'm going to start with that.  That's all I have right now.  I'm going to do what I love.  Learn to love myself more each day - which by the way - especially at times like these is excruciating.  For real - I'm not even lying.  LYING?  WHY WOULD I LIE - WHO THE FUCK CARES?  Fuck.Well I love writing the word fuck so there you go - I'm on my way to doing what I love.  Fuckity fucking fucknuts.  Fuckfacing fuckless fuck.  Fucking fuckerly fuckerpants.  Oh I FUCKING LOVE THAT ONE!  Jeez - okay Bluebie - I fucking love you.