Break through of another kind.

All I ever write about on this blog is about being a drunk in recovery but I'm more than that - right?  Yes.  Tonight I had a break through in my acting class.  So many times in the past - before I became a drunk and when I was doing lots of comedy and performing - I would have down nights - tired nights and I just couldn't "get it up" as it were.  I just couldn't make it happen.  I had no idea how to push past or work through not only being tired but also sometimes being depressed - whatever - not focused - not in a place to work.  So I would bomb onstage or tank at the audition - something like that.  But I mean tired & depressed usually - whatever - you get the picture right?  So tonight I go to class and I am so tired - the class is at 8:30 on Friday night for crying out loud - it's LATE.  I had done a shitload of laundry today - cooked, did dishes, had sex (with a condom - you're welcome), went to a meeting, went to the diner, worked a long ass double yesterday - I was TIRED tonight.  So I go to class and I tell this girl I'm so tired and I feel like I am going to fail already.  When it was time for me to work - what happened?  I was so unfocused at the top and I had actually warmed up - FUCK - this is such a boring story - I am totally losing FOCUS.  What am I talking about???  Okay - I realized I have tools now and the biggest one is draining myself OUT and filling myself UP with the character.  Do you know what happened when I did that - FINALLY??  I wasn't tired and I was able to work.  What a fascinating tool.  Jesus.  I mean at this time last year I was unable to even realize that's what was happening - that I was just tired but there is a way to still be able to WORK.  What a valuable lesson I learned tonight.  Honestly after all the shows I have seen lately and how HARD it is to do even one show sometimes - let alone 8 a week - I was like - I really don't know if I can do this.  But after tonight - I think I might be able to.  Also - as a side note - knowing that my jealousy is an issue that I need to take care of and be responsible for - it has gotten better.  I am also aware suddenly how selfish it is to expect someone else to take care of my jealous feelings.  Or any of my feelings for that matter.  I mean hello - what the fuck.  Now if I could just recognize that I deserve to get paid for doing what I love and RELEASE myself from being a fucking WAITRESS.  I am grateful to have jobs - thank you.  Okay - I need an English Muffin.  So do you Blueberry - love you.