Serius Thursday.

It's cold today - 28 degrees.  I went home last night after working with my sponsor and I took the dog out, took a shower, did some yoga, read a little bit and WENT TO BED.  I slept okay - moslty after focusing on deactivating my anxiety and focusing on sleeping.  Then I got up late, prayed and meditated and took the dog out again, took another shower and got myself to work.  I look better - I feel so much better.  I have heard so often in the program of recovery (how am I not laughing writing this right now?) how we drunks have terrible thinking.  Well - it's true.  I have really realized these last few weeks how negative my thinking is - how hateful it makes me - how not useful it is - how much energy it takes up.  But now - esepcially after working with her last night - how I can see I can stop it.  I can choose to not do that to myself.  I can choose to not google things that will make me feel bad, not look at facebook things that will make me feel bad.  This is a whole different level of self-care.  I mean to say growing up.  This is a new level of growing up.  Remember when I said I wanted to be resposible of my alcoholism and now - maybe I never wrote that - maybe I already wrote what I'm going to write.  Now I want to be resposible for this - hate inside of me.  I almost laughed.  I'm serius though.  I will get sick or I will drink again if I don't manage this.  I am resposible for myself and I am aware now of this inside of me and it is up to me to take care of it and I am willing to.  I feel like it's my Grandmother.  How she was when she was awful.  The victimy, manipulative - rageful thing.  Is that weird?  No - it's not weird.  How beautiful is it that I can finally take care of it - or at least I have the opportunity to take care of it.  I just got hungry.  I'm going to order some food.  Something comforting.  Why am I so sad?  There's such a loneliness to growing up somehow.  Now I'm really crying - I mean not really - there's just tears welling up in my eyes and now it's done.  I think I can do this.  So it's like learning to love myself for real I guess.  Jesus I hope I can get my sense of humor back again soo - this is really - SERIUS.  Yeesh.  Okay Blueberry - I love you.