Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Okay - let's see if I can be clear at all......

this whole thing with the city being broken feels very much like 9/11 and it's quite - traumatizing except - it's different.  It's not a human attack and people are being kind to each other.  Here is the thing - I am once again - sort of - left feeling like my life is empty.  During 9/11 I had a crazy roommate and a comedy career.  Now I have my own apartment and I'm sober.  I had tools to pick up today - amongst them my wonderful therapist and kind sober people.  I am an artist and I don't know what that means but I need to follow my bliss.  Follow my bliss.  That's it.  I can trust the doors will open where they should.  I learned all of this from one dating website of some man I found interesting.  I don't think he finds me interesting and it doesn't matter.  Follow my bliss - that's it.  I'm going to do that.  Starting now.  I'm so tired.  See???  I REALLY enjoyed writing that!!!!

Do I really want something different?

I mean than the life I am living?  Because I keep doing the same things and thinking in the same ways.  It's easy to live like this.  Really?  I mean - what?  I need to take some risks.  Some healthy risks.  I think I really want to move.  Okay - let's start with an interm sponsor and then I'm getting a new sponsor who HAS WHAT I WANT.  I'm eating an apple - everything is going to be fine. 

Well - and then there was a REAL hurricane...

Holy fuck - this one was SO much worse than last year.  Totally awful.  The subways are closed - all of lower Manhattan without power - the subways are flooded.  Okay - so anyway - I'm at work.  I never lost power.  I did my hair, my nails, cleaned out my files - which took 2 days - holy shit - this couple that just came in - they are sort of nice - okay - she's such a bitch - so bizarre.  Oh well - whatever.  I am getting upset - what am I doing with my life?  The hurricane is making me crazy.  I think maybe I need to stop writing.  I got here today and the last person her had left her keys IN THE LOCK.  What?  Omg.  Okay - I took care of myself these last few days and I am here at work.  I am going to get an interm sponsor.  I have just had it with mine.  The poor woman is without power and I'm mad at her - how ridiculous is that?  Regardless - I can't be without a sponsor and she isn't available and I've had it anyway - I'm done.  I love myself - I want to be okay and be taken care of and I'm not and never have been.  I'm just afraid to move on because I don't want to do the work.  More work - show up.  There you go.  I'm so sad for people that got fucked in this storm.  Except my sponsor.  That's not true - I am not going to be upset with myself because I am upset that she wasn't kind to me.  I'm sorry but if you have enough power in your phone to post to facebook - you can write to your sponsee.  UNLESS - you don't like your sponsee or feel they are worth it - which is exactly how it felt when she told me she couldn't talk to me because her power went out.  I can have compassion for her and be upset.  I don't but I can.  I need to take care of myself - I help her by being her sponsee and I am sick of feeling like a burden to her.  LOOK HOW GREAT I AM DURING A CRISIS.  I'm not even IN crisis.  I got an extra day off and it took me longer to get to work.  PANIC.  ANXIETY.  Love.  What?  Bye.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Releasing shame.

In my readings this morning it talked about being honest with what is happening in our lives, saying how we felt and what happened but not saying what we SHOULD have done because then we come from a place of shame.  Do you know my therapist always says that to me.  Should implies shame.  I never understood that until today.  I woke up a little bit late and I still prayed and meditated, took care of the dog and walked her and do you know the most amazing part??  I noticed that when I got in the shower the mice are eating the bathroom cabinet and as I was getting ready - THE EXTERMINATOR CAME!!!  I'm not even kidding.  If I wasn't running late I would have completely missed him.  Holy shit - those mice were having a fucking paaaarty all night last night.  It's only mice - I finally realized that - but plenty of them.  Okay - so what else?  I really worked on releasing the shame while I meditated on my way to work also.  Okay - right - here's the other thing.  I went shopping after work last night - Loft sent out this email saying all their full priced clothes were half off until 7 - I got there and it was a mad house.  I tried on a really cute skirt but it looked only okay - not AWESOME at all so I left.  Plus ladies were being insane - like psycho - I couldn't handle it.  Then I went into the Gap and okay - make a long, boring story short - I went to buy this 70 dollar dress that I thought was 30% off but when I got to the register it wasn't.  So I hemmed and hawed and the girl was like "Try to buy it online - it might be on sale online."  She took the dress and I just stood there and finally I left and then OBSESSED about this dress for 2 hours.  Maybe 3.  It was cute and I liked it but the ONLY reason I wanted it was for this job and I have clothes to wear here.  I would have needed new tights to go with it - maybe even shoes and it wasn't AWESOME - it was just cute and I really can't afford it.  I just wanted it.  But you know what?  I didn't buy it and today I am wearing a 400 dollar dress that she GAVE me from here with tights I already had from home.  I am clean, I look cute and creative and so WHAT?  No one is here anyway.  Here's the other thing - the dress was for an OFFICE and I don't work in an office and I don't work somewhere where I need to buy something I can only wear there.  I have had it in my mind that I have always sort of wanted a day job - where I get health insurance and I work 40 hours a week - blah, blah - normal.  Right?  Like a "normal" person.  Um - I think what I really mean is I want to PLAY a person who has that life - job.  I mean - it would have been so inauthentic for me to get that dress.  I didn't "love it, have to have it - more than anything."  I just wanted to be a different person than I am.  And it was a boring dress anyway.  If it was 10 dollars it would have been great - and fun!!  And who cares.  But 70?  Not only that but I am a creative person - so why don't I go ahead and let myself dress like a creative person??  I am really on fire right now with this blog - holy shit.  I'm going to go ahead and write in my journal.  I just keep thinking that there is a way things SHOULD be and there just isn't.  This outfit is a surprise this morning.  If I was wearing that dress it wouldn't be surprise and it would have been forced and wrong.  Maybe someday - after I pay my rent ON TIME - a 70 dollar dress isn't so crazy - but for now - no.  I want life to be filled with surprises - not planned boringness.  My shoulders are up by my ears.  I think I made my coffee stronger than usual.  Also one cute guy who I wrote to - wrote me back!!  That's fun right?  Plus that stupid dress wasn't THAT comfortable.  Here's the great part - at least I'm not obsessing over it anymore!!!  HAHA!!.  Holy fuck - time for some relaxation exercises.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS! 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Online dating sucks MY BALLS.......

and I haven't even gotten to the dating part!!  First a transgender man and now a little person.  Plus a LOT of creepy older dudes, along with a lot of strange men and some decent seeming guys who cut right to the "Hey - do you like to have naughty fun????"  Ew.  Hahahaa - ew.  What-fucking-ever.  Okay - what can I say - it's at least practice - right?  I mean I am talking to guys about dating - it's start.  I have message a lot of guys who haven't written me back.  One guy did.  It's all good - good practice.  On a positive note I think I found some stuff that will keep my eyeliner in place.  Is this really my life?  I think one of the reasons why any cigarette smoke freaks me out so much is that I am so totally sensitive to it.  I'm exhausted - so tired.  I need to go to bed at 10 o'clock.  I woke up this morning and I went back to sleep and then I woke up late and then I decided I wasn't going to go to work.  In my head I was like "I am not leaving - I am not going there - I am not going to go to work - I am sleeping."  Then I rolled over and went back to sleep and when I woke up only 5 minutes had gone by and I got out of bed.  I suck.  I want babies and a relationship and an awesome job to go to.  Oh dear I am getting impatient and this has NEVER worked out for me.  I need to calm down before I marry some other freak because I have decided that I can settle and I just need to do this.  Alright.  This guy I am talking to right now - I gave him my cell phone number - is asking me why I would want to look sexy in my pictures.  He has zero sense of humor and is WAY serious.  I'm frustrated.  I am frustrated and exhausted!!  What?  How is that a thing?  Bye Bluebers - the boring saga continues.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Walking Dead.

Fucking AWESOME SHOW.  Holy fuck - I love it.  One of the bartenders at work made me promise I would at least watch the pilot - I did and then I watched 3 more episodes.  So inspiring.  I'm at work and I am not a complete psycho and I have on the cutest shirt I got from the Gap for 9 dollars.  It was on sale for 12 something and then it said an additional 30% off sale stuff.  So I went to pay and the guy didn't take it off and I was like "Um - the sale items are an additional 30% off right?  He was like - "oh was this on the sale rack?"  No it was on the full price rack - now everything at the Gap is 12 dollars.  I felt only a little stupid but what the heck - 30% off is 30% off!!  It is the cutest shirt but it is so wrinkled - I should just steam it with the steamer from here.  Okay so wow - why am I afraid to write?  Something about the coat I wore here today smells like salad dressing.  I think after this weekend what I have walked away with the most is making a new plan.  That's all.  I need to start with being excited to wake up in the morning to go to jobs I want to go to.  I want new jobs and I want a boyfriend.  That's it.  I gave the dog a make over last night.  She always hates it when I do it but then she's so happy to be clean - it's hilarious.  It's so much easier to take care of her in this apartment.  Everything is easier.  More expensive but easier.  The steamer is on.  Bye Blueberry - time to steam.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Shit day turned better....

I worked another double yesterday and I took home public transportation again - to save 26 dollars - and it took an hour and a half.  I was so exhausted by the time I got home and I just woke up so tired and so upset.  I meditated, I cried, I ate eggs - it was raining - not helping.  I took the dog out finally when it was just drizzling and she was NOT into it and I really just wanted to strangle her.  I got back in the apartment and it smells like cat pee and I hated myself for hating the dog and I was really wondering what the fucking point is.  So I finally got my clothes on and I walked in the park.  It was almost completely empty and I walked and cried and hissed at some creepy man and then I ran and then I walked more then I jogged and then I cried more.  I looked at the ducks and the birds and the trees, which are so beautiful right now changing colors and it was raining most of the time and I finally started to feel better.  I shifted out of my rage a little and I got back in here and drank water and hugged the dog and then I was thinking "Why is this so hard right now?  I have PMS but why am I soooo upset?  Why do I feel so crazy?"  then it occurred to me that I am changing something - right?  I'm taking the bus and the subway home to save money and it's scary and it sucks and it's SO much better for me and so of course I'm having a meltdown about it.  I'm being more of a grown-up - right?  What else can I do?  I don't know.  I'm writing this and I feel like I sound stupid but - I don't know.  I'm either really falling apart or having some sort of transformation.  Am I dying or becoming a butterfly?  I want to laugh at that but I'm not laughing.  I'm so tired.  Am I taking care of myself by working these jobs, paying my bills and trying to be a grown-up while not being an actress?  I just don't understand.  I miss so much being creative.  I'm so confused.  But part of my problem has been just being silly with my money while lying to myself that I'm taking care of things.  I need to lay down.  I'm going to lay down.  After I lay down and take a shower I will feel way better.  Way better Blueberry - way better.  Byeeeee - love you for being here.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I have to write this before I forget.....

First - taking care of my drunkenness and 2 - the small voice.  Yesterday I went to this meeting and the woman said that once she really realized without a doubt that she was an alcoholic she felt the responsibility to take care of it.  She said she felt very grateful for that - that she had that.  That struck me as so profound.  I have heard this before concerning art - I suppose all sorts of things but it never landed with me quite the way that hearing her say that did.  Taking responsibility for it - taking care of it.  So of course it is making me think of my other gifts - other being a strange word but it's what I wrote so there it is.  Taking care of those gifts.  It puts such a different angle on it perspective wise and it also sort of takes the ego out of it.  Okay - so 2 - the small voice.  Last week in a meeting I heard this guy talking about how he felt like when he hears that small voice tell him something - that's when he really needs to listen.  I hope this is making sense.  Well today I woke up late - I worked last night so I did a double yesterday and I took home the bus and the subway which is exhausting and takes forever so I went to bed much later than I would have.  It doesn't matter anyway - I always wake up late.  Okay so I had to take a shower and I did - then I knew that a woman had said she was going to be here right at 10 to try on these dresses she has on hold.  So I fed the dog and I was like - oh I will just go get on the train - it's 9:10 already - I still might not even make it on time and then this small voice said "Just walk the dog - just love the dog and walk the dog."  So I did and do you know what happened?  I was right on time for work.  I got here at 10 on the nose and do you know what else?  That lady still hasn't come.  Amazing.  I mean there is progress happening but it really doesn't feel like it at 11:45 p.m. on the subway when I made 49 dollars that night.  But I made 49 dollars.  Haha - I needed 49 dollars really.  It's going to shift and change - it has to - it's the nature of things and I just need to take care of my - stuff.  I want to eat eggs, cheddar, bacon and a side of cow.  Maybe a piece of lettuce.  Fuck the lettuce - just some water.  It's so clean and fresh in here - the cleaning lady was here this morning and I made it cute in here yesterday and it's sunny so it's nice.  Okay.  Okaaaaay.  Bye Bluebs - love you.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Holy shit!

WOW - so this time last year I was wanting to do exactly what I am finally doing now.  Loving myself and working on my self-esteem.  Haha - ew again.  But seriously (and when have I never wanted to be working on that?) how fucking amazing is that?  I MOVED and I can make my own food at home.  Ha - okay - I'm going to top but seriously it took a year - 3 years but I am in a different place which is amazing but even more amazing is I am not filled with rage, a total victim and a turd.  Isn't that a blessing?  Amen Blueberry.

Profound morning......

or so it seems to me.  I wanted to write right away before I get distract by googling symptoms about being tired.  Ha - anyway - I woke up a little late but I still took care of myself and the dog and packed myself food for the day.  I put on clean clothes and half did my hair.  I got to work a half hour late but so what?  No one is here and I would have felt horrible if I didn't shower and take care of the dog.  But I did the same thing last night.  I mean - I took care of myself.  I went home after the meeting - loved the dog - took care of her and then made myself dinner.  Then I did the dishes and took care of myself before bed.  I did a little yoga, I flossed the whole thing.  It has taken me over 3 years to figure out how to get to the layers underneath of my drinking that it's so hard for me to take care of myself - love myself.  Ew - that's so corny.  Eww.  Look - I am finally getting to the layers underneath and it's awesome.  I find great pleasures in the simple things - like making dinner and doing the dishes.  I feel blessed to be able to do that.  That being said I can't always be late to work but I can guarantee that if I didn't get ready I still would have been late only dirty and filled with rage.  I also am realizing the power of my thoughts.  I started to think of someone and I could feel the poison in me.  So I just started to think about the beach and babies.  Ha - how hilarious is that?  I was like "I love the beach - I love babies - oh babies."  Jesus.  So let's see if I can do this all day long.  I'm not allowed to be mean to myself or think negative thoughts about myself or others and when I do I'm going to think about the beach and babies.  And dogs, and fields of grass and pumpkins and - whatever else I need to.  I think I am in a much different place than I was last year at this time - I'm going to look to see what I wrote.  I can even look to see how 2 years ago was!  That seems very profound to me.  Also I found new people to model myself after - new people to be inspired by.  Love you Blueberry.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

To feel lovable...

That's where it has to start right?  One has to feel lovable to be loved.  Or at least to be in a relationship.. To be able to receive love one must feel lovable.  I can't even say "I."  "I" need to feel lovable.  That's how huge my fucking intimacy issues are.  Fuck.  This book I'm reading is doing a number on me also.  Emotional Intelligence.  It's just reaffirming that I didn't quite get what I needed growing up and it's so hard to write that - right?  But here's the great part - it just said in the last part that I read that it's never to late to fix it.  I can fix my brain and I can get what I need now.  Um - isn't that exciting?  I'm not excited - haha.  But I am better - even my typing is better.  I can look up now and type - how exciting is that?  Oh I'm looking down at the keyboard again.  So.  Sooooo.  Sooooooo.  Sigh and so.  I did so much yesterday.  I cleaned the bathroom - every inch of it, vacuumed everywhere in the apartment - cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom, dusted, did laundry, threw out garbage and things I don't need, AND I went to therapy and watched the movie teachers.  I vacuumed the couch and I sat on it and ate ice cream.  I meditated on it this morning and it was GLORIOUS.  That thing has caused me heart ache from missing my class so I am going to ENJOY IT!.  See?  I'm so much better.  I have to go - I really need some meetings.  Does it take other people an entire day to grocery shop, clean and do laundry?  I just can't not do it - I hate being dirty and I get CRAZY when it's dirty.  THIS IS SO BORING.  Maybe it's not - maybe it's riveting.  MY struggle to do mundane activities could be so riveting to someone.  AHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHH - doubt it.  Bye Bluebers!!!  Love you.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Project I Deserve Better.

So sometimes when I give up I get on my feet somehow.  I worked my ass off this weekend and I was just able to pay most of my bills and my rent.  Do you know what is so crazy?  I was taking cabs all the time home from the club and guess what?  I can't afford it anymore.  I saved SO MUCH money this weekend not doing that.  I didn't have to leave the club at 3 in the morning or I wouldn't have done that but what have I been doing?  Ugh - this money stuff is so tricky for me.  It's more than that though.  It's the delaying of gratification, the sitting through the discomfort.  I just don't naturally want to do that.  But I deserve better in life and I'm not going to get it unless I get better with this stuff.  Am I making sense?  I'm getting upset.  Why?  I'm uncomfortable at this table right now.  I have to go - I really need a walk in the park.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I give up.

I can't afford my class this month.  Which is okay - I fucked up with my money and now I'm learning a lesson but sitting here for 8 hours 3 days in a row with nothing to do is making me crazy and I don't know what I'm doing here.  I am going crazy.  I should change the window.  I - I don't know.  I might go back to school - art therapy.  I just can't get my passion back for the performing.  Nothing is really coming through me.  I tried to write a play about my ex-husband and I and the band and it made me so upset - sososooso upset.  I did think I should start a writing group.  I just give up.  I'm 41.  Oh dear - so WHAT?  I'm going to write in my journal and figure out some money stuff and figure out how I can possible take better care of myself and my art.  I got here late today because I REFUSED to get out of bed and I HAD to shower and walk the dog.  The mice/rats woke me up so many times last night.  They were just running and laughing from the kitchen to the bedroom.  Really - they were having a blast.  I set a trap and haveahart traps and they are not working.  I'm going to have to ask the super.  Oh well - I give up.  I have managed to take baths at night and do a little bit of yoga and that is helping my body.  I guess.  I'm so lonely.  I joined Plenty of Fish and it is a holy nightmare.  One drag queen asked if I wanted her to draw me.  I guess it was a guy with a picture of a drag queen.  I give up.  Bye Bluebers.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Sleeping.......

I want to go to sleep so badly right now.  I have been so sleepy the last few days.  I suppose part of it is because I am so slow here and part because....I'm tired?  Ever since I read the Happiness Project I am so much better about sleeping.  I mean - I actually try to get to sleep.  Last year at this time I was still watching shows until 3 in the morning and then getting up and coming here.  That I am not doing anymore.  I get into bed so much earlier but it's still not enough and more than that I just can't stand not being clean and ready anymore.  The discomfort of not being well groomed is awful and I just can't stand it and I have to figure out how to wake the fuck up.  I get my best sleep when it's time to get out of bed.  The bed becomes this glorious, comfortable golden love nest for one.  The sheets turn into liquid heaven I swear.  Yeesh.  Okay - so at least I WANT to wake up - that's a start.  I want to get to bed earlier - another start.  It's self-care and being a grown-up.  Holy fuck my mouse is a rat.  I saw it last night.  It was darting back and forth in the kitchen.  It did sound really loud to be  mouse but I was hoping it wasn't a rat.  I put out haveahart mouse traps and it ate the fucking food out of it and left it.  So the trap was closed this morning and I was all excited and then I realized - no - no rat could fit in there.  I really tried to lie to myself last night when I saw it.....I was like "Oh - ohhh there's the mouse!!!  Wow - that was a really long, big mouse!!"  Um - what?  Gross.  SO FUCKING GROSS!!  Still better than living at Creepy's.  When I bought the Haveahart trap the guy at the store said it was nice that I wanted to let the mouse go in the park and it made me SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  I was like "Oh - I can't even cook meat in my kitchen so I definitely can't kill it in my kitchen."  Oh my God - really?   Haha - what a dork.  Now I have to go back and buy a fucking haveahart rat trap.  It's 12:22 and I already wrote in my journal, wrote on here - did some exercises and stretching, had breakfast and pooped twice.  This is a long day.  Byeeeeee Bluebie!!!!! 

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Fuck me bored.

Fuck me tenderly, fuck me bored.  I'm bored.  It's gray and drizzily and coooold.  Why is it that sometimes this can be the most romantic weather in the world?  Ugh - right now it sucks balls.  I just want to go back to bed.  I mean - what the heck?  Okay - I was about to talk myself out of this  but I'm too apathetic right now.  I cleaned last night and I did laundry yesterday, jogged, ran in the park, went to therapy and got sung to by some crazy guy on the street.  He asked me if I wanted to smoke a joint.  He was actually cute but he was fucking playing a guitar and following me down the street.  HE asked me what I was doing and I said I was going to therapy and he asked if I wanted to meet after to go dancing.  HE had fucking BELLS on his ankle.  Do you know that there was a time in my life where I would have felt so MAGICAL having some stranger sing to me on the street with bells on his ankles??  I actually went to therapy and asked my therapist if I should have met him afterwards.  She cleared her throat and was like - well - um - he might not be the most stable choice?  Do you know the craziest part?  He had nice thumbs and nice brown eyes.  Weird shoes.  AND BELLS on his ankle.  Christ.  He said he was going to Bleeker street "To get his vest!"  He had an accent - some - I don't know - who cares.  I started to read Emotional Intelligence - I hope it offsets that fucking horrible book "Drama of the Gifted Child."  I fucking threw that book out after I was done with it.  I don't think I have ever thrown a book out.  Creepy gave it to me.  I thought I never finished it because I was drunk but I just didn't like it.  OH WELL - it's gone now.  I threw out a shit load of VHS tapes of me performing years ago.  It felt great.  Fuck it.  It cleaned out an entire shelf in my bookcase.  My friend told me she cleans her floors every other day.  So my efforts are now going to be focused on cleaning ALL the time.  So that's why I did laundry yesterday - so I'm doing it once a week instead of every other week.  I vacuumed last night and wiped down the bathroom and I cleaned the kitchen after I did the dishes.  I cooked myself angel hair pasta with garlic, olive oil, fresh mozzarella and baby spinach.  It was fucking delicious.  I tried to roast garlic in the oven but it tasted terrible for some reason.  I'm going to research why.  Okay - it feels great to write on here.  Maybe my character needs to go through a  transformation.  I mean - my other blog I never write on - my character - she needs to change - to grow.  I know this doesn't make sense.  Okay - I am going to be nice to myself all day.  This is soooooo quiet and boring!!!  Oh - I have a book to read!!  Yay.  I can also go in the dressing room and meditate.  Bye Bluebers!!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Such a great weekend.....

my friend came it was so wonderful - such a gift.  The show on Friday night was at this cute theater on this adorable block and then we went to this amazing little wine and cheese bar and I ate so much cheese.  So much cheese.  I worked 2 different jobs and today we went to this cozy little diner and my life is so much more ABUNDANT now.  I mean - I DO things.  I get out of bed and I can take a shower first before I leave the house.  Right now I am so sleepy but I have highlights in my hair and I have to rinse them out first.  I used the oven for the first time tonight.  It works - it's a scary oven but it works.  Well!  Holy fuck - it's powerful.  There is a muffin pan in the oven.  It had 2 cookie sheets, cookie drying racks and a muffin pan.  I'm going to make muffins.  And - I don't know - other things you bake in the oven!!  I'm so excited!  It was such a nice weekend - well today was rainy but i still liked it.  What am I going to do about this job situation?  I mean with the comedy club?  I have so out grown it - I still need the money.  I need to just get another job but but but.  I love my friend so much.  She was so inspiring to me this weekend.  What a blessing in my life.  The air mattress was a big hit and my new floor model couch.  I'm so tired right now.  I spent a lot of time in Barnes and Noble today.  I absolutely love being surrounded by books.  It is glorious.  I have to wash this stuff out of my hair.  I love you Blueberry.  So much.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Whoaaaaaa......

oh my GOD - I just read some posts from last year and WOW - wowowowowowow - so much has changed.  I was SO crazy and angry.  I feel like I am getting a different view on this whole day.  I'm not nearly as bitter and - ew - just a mess.  Oh it's so sad - I was so awful.  Okay but I am better.  I guess if my biggest problem right now is that I have a n unwanted pet mouse and that I'm not sure how to navigate my weekend well things are not that bad.  Whoa.  And things will keep getting better.  I will keep feeling my feelings and taking care of myself and it will get better.  I am so grateful that I have moved and that I still have this job.  I have class tonight and I have wonderful, hard working people in my life.  WOW - helloooo attitude adjustment.  I just have to keep working on turning my rage into love and on taking the time to be uncomfortable and to keep taking care of myself and going to alanon meetings.  Um - FOR REAL.  Ahhhhhhh - I need some water.  Love you Bluebs - still and always.  As a side not eI have been attracted to amongst many - one guy and I just got a call from a number I didn't recognize and I answered and this hot voice was like "My name" and I said "Yes??"  and then I started to PANIC.  "Oh no - he got my number - he wants something - how will I say no - I'm not into this - this is insane!!!"  Right?  The this guy(who is totally gay and not this guy at all) asked me to work on Friday.  I was like - ohhhhh - ohhhhhh - you aren't in love with me???  He was like - nooooo.  Jesus fucking Christ.  Bye.

I'M HAVINGA LOT OF FEELINGS!!

Ugh - how totally not fun is that?  I'm so fucking uncomfortable.  It's raining.  I worked so hard at putting this apartment together and why am I so upset about it?  It looks so much better - FEELS so much better.  The cutest woman just came in here - she stops in now and again - she's older - in her 70's - white blond hair - super sweet and kind.  She always buys things and she has fabulous taste.  Last time she bought a scarf for a friend and I steamed it for her.  Adorable woman.  She has this kind of southernish voice with a little bit of a rasp to it.  She just bought the prettiest earrings and looked at this gorgeous Indian necklace we have that's rubies, diamonds, pearls and emeralds.  She had a scarf over her head to keep her hair safe from the rain I guess.  I guess I just don't like to much pressure.  How do I want to have boundaries and structure in my life but yet I don't like deadlines?  What?  I'm just tired.  I had the weirdest dream about my parents farm last night.  Every now and again I dream about it.  I was all the way at the end of one field - all the way so the house looked small and I was in a car.  It was so beautiful that it made me cry.  So much green and loveliness - my mother said - oh you get such a different perspective from here don't you?  I have to go and research how to get rid of my pet mouse.  The little fucker ate through my bag of organic potting soil.  I thought we could live together but we can NOT.  So - so I asked it to leave but that didn't work so now I have to actually get it to leave.  this feels very passive aggressive.  I feel better writing.  Okay Bluebers - love you. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

I threw out the kitchen table

I got when I was married and that I have been using as a desk for 6 years.  I smoked so much pot and did coke with my ex-husband (to try and save the marriage - I don't even LIKE coke - at ALL) and wrote and watched movies, and TV shows on, and - LORD - what a relief.  I'm using this beautiful antique desk my cousin is letting me use - it has flaps so it fits better in the apartment now that I have A COUCH.  A fucking couch.  I own a couch.  It has been a fantasy for YEARS to have my own couch and now I do.  It's purple and it's a love seat and I think I love it.  I'm not sure.  I haven't been able to sit on it since it got here.  It's a floor sample and the bottom is ripped but it's just a piece of material - the couch itself is fine.  When I got my ukulele I couldn't use it for days - it freaked me out so much.  Okay - I should just sit on it.  I did yesterday and I loved it.  Okay - I just sat on it and it was heaven.  Total heaven - amazing.  I took my whole computer apart yesterday in order to get rid of the other table, cleaned it - put it back together, moved the bookshelf to my bedroom and bought this couch.  I took the kitchen table apart and put the nuts and bolts in a bag and brought all of it down to the street and someone took it.  It felt like I shaved my head (not that I have ever done that) after I came back up here.  I got rid of a piece of sadness by doing that for myself and I hope that table brings someone else a lot of happiness.  It's really cute but huge and just one big piece.  Why am I trying to justify it?  I did the right thing and now  have a little living room where I can actually have someone sit down.  Fun.  Time to do laundry and clean and grocery shop.  THAT'S FUCKING ALL!!  I just went for a walk/jog/sprint in the park.  Fucking glorious.  Moving here is like being let out of prison.  Even with the cockroach and the mouse - I think I have a mouse - it's total fucking heaven.  So what - so I have a dog, a cockroach and a mouse?  I also have FREEDOM.  And a bathtub and a little kitchen and A FUCKING couch that no one is having prostitute sex on.  Yet!  Ehhh-ohhhh.  Gross.  Bye Bluebs - I love you.