To feel lovable...

That's where it has to start right?  One has to feel lovable to be loved.  Or at least to be in a relationship.. To be able to receive love one must feel lovable.  I can't even say "I."  "I" need to feel lovable.  That's how huge my fucking intimacy issues are.  Fuck.  This book I'm reading is doing a number on me also.  Emotional Intelligence.  It's just reaffirming that I didn't quite get what I needed growing up and it's so hard to write that - right?  But here's the great part - it just said in the last part that I read that it's never to late to fix it.  I can fix my brain and I can get what I need now.  Um - isn't that exciting?  I'm not excited - haha.  But I am better - even my typing is better.  I can look up now and type - how exciting is that?  Oh I'm looking down at the keyboard again.  So.  Sooooo.  Sooooooo.  Sigh and so.  I did so much yesterday.  I cleaned the bathroom - every inch of it, vacuumed everywhere in the apartment - cleaned the bathroom and the bedroom, dusted, did laundry, threw out garbage and things I don't need, AND I went to therapy and watched the movie teachers.  I vacuumed the couch and I sat on it and ate ice cream.  I meditated on it this morning and it was GLORIOUS.  That thing has caused me heart ache from missing my class so I am going to ENJOY IT!.  See?  I'm so much better.  I have to go - I really need some meetings.  Does it take other people an entire day to grocery shop, clean and do laundry?  I just can't not do it - I hate being dirty and I get CRAZY when it's dirty.  THIS IS SO BORING.  Maybe it's not - maybe it's riveting.  MY struggle to do mundane activities could be so riveting to someone.  AHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHH - doubt it.  Bye Bluebers!!!  Love you.