Shit day turned better....

I worked another double yesterday and I took home public transportation again - to save 26 dollars - and it took an hour and a half.  I was so exhausted by the time I got home and I just woke up so tired and so upset.  I meditated, I cried, I ate eggs - it was raining - not helping.  I took the dog out finally when it was just drizzling and she was NOT into it and I really just wanted to strangle her.  I got back in the apartment and it smells like cat pee and I hated myself for hating the dog and I was really wondering what the fucking point is.  So I finally got my clothes on and I walked in the park.  It was almost completely empty and I walked and cried and hissed at some creepy man and then I ran and then I walked more then I jogged and then I cried more.  I looked at the ducks and the birds and the trees, which are so beautiful right now changing colors and it was raining most of the time and I finally started to feel better.  I shifted out of my rage a little and I got back in here and drank water and hugged the dog and then I was thinking "Why is this so hard right now?  I have PMS but why am I soooo upset?  Why do I feel so crazy?"  then it occurred to me that I am changing something - right?  I'm taking the bus and the subway home to save money and it's scary and it sucks and it's SO much better for me and so of course I'm having a meltdown about it.  I'm being more of a grown-up - right?  What else can I do?  I don't know.  I'm writing this and I feel like I sound stupid but - I don't know.  I'm either really falling apart or having some sort of transformation.  Am I dying or becoming a butterfly?  I want to laugh at that but I'm not laughing.  I'm so tired.  Am I taking care of myself by working these jobs, paying my bills and trying to be a grown-up while not being an actress?  I just don't understand.  I miss so much being creative.  I'm so confused.  But part of my problem has been just being silly with my money while lying to myself that I'm taking care of things.  I need to lay down.  I'm going to lay down.  After I lay down and take a shower I will feel way better.  Way better Blueberry - way better.  Byeeeee - love you for being here.