Sunday, October 30, 2011

Healing is progressive.

Getting sick was - getting really sick. It was always there lurking but it took a really long time and it happened slowly. Faster than some but it wasn't as quick as others. So me getting better is happening slowly. Quicker than some, slower than others. I just love being funny - I wish I could just figure out a way to do that all the time - either with stand-up, a show, a TV show - anything. Movies? Somehow do it and have a life? The hot water is back on but it is freezing in here. I probably need to drain the pipes. Holy cow I am running so late. I just really wanted to write on here. I'm exhausted. I need to stop doing these doubles very soon - like in the next 2 weeks. I made it through yesterday somehow. I think I need to focus on being more loving and nicer. On the way home in the cab the other girl said she made 300 dollars because she flirted with her people - her customers. I'm not even NICE to mine - let alone flirt with them. What the heck? I'm going to be short on my rent. After all this - ugh - so annoying. I think I need a different job - for real. The money isn't that good at all!! It has changed. Okay - I have to take a shower - I'm starting to lose it. Byeeeee - love you Bluebie!!!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

It's snowing and it's boring....

Holy fuck - I guess I should call my sister back. I'm here at the store. I didn't get to take a shower because there was no hot water. I could NOT take a hot shower. When I left I said to Tall Not So Dark And Creepy that there was no hot water and he said "The boiler broke last night in the middle of the night!!" Um - you mean you let the oil run low - please. Okay so here's the thing - I have a tool I can use to deal with this. I'm going to use it. Maybe. I have to say also that I realized today how no one is stopping me from being creative. Jeez - this is a hard day. It's freezing in here and I really needed to wash my hair and take a shower. I look and feel gross. He actually said "Our guests didn't get to take a hot shower this morning!!" I'M YOUR GUEST FUCKFACE. I don't know - but if I hadn't not taken a shower I wouldn't have gotten her call early this morning. She called really early. SO THERE IS THAT. Okay - well - I'm going to do some work on myself and try to get past this and enjoy a quiet day. POEM:

Snow is fluffy
Rain is wet
I couldn't take a shower
I was mad - you bet!
I'm here alone
But I feel sort of alive
I have on cashmere
Haha - it's not mine.
Fuck off.
ugh.
Love and gratitude!!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Well today I managed to get myself here to the boutique

and to get ready beforehand. I slept enough, prayed/meditated and ate breakfast. I took my vitamins and I did my holistic stuff. I called my friend when I got here because I was so upset that I woke up SO crazy. One thing she said that really resonated with me was that I no longer act out. Which you know what?? I don't. I don't cheat on my boyfriend, get credit cards and buy shit I can't afford or even get wasted. I do live a different way now. Okay. Okay so here's the thing - I'm so hard on myself and so hard on my situation. Last night before I went to bed I realized how quiet it was and I was so grateful for that. I'm learning how to live differently and it's really fucking hard. I would have drank over how I was feeling last night or even this morning. I for sure would have yelled, stomped my feet or given them silent rage when I saw them. Lord. Lord this is so hard. I just want to be creative. I am my biggest problem right now. I need to accept that. I really do - I have to accept all these things before I can change them. I'm so uncomfortable. My friend said I need to be in more action and she's right. Having slept last night was such absolute heaven getting up today. I can do that for myself - I can go to sleep at a decent hour and get enough rest. I can love myself. YIKES!!! YIKES!! That is so fucking hard to say. I'm not free from the past yet but I can be. Or at least I know other people have been so I should be able to be. Lord. Another good thing that has happened is I think I have finally learned how to haggle. I'm so sick of feeling like a loser. I am so sick of being a loser. It's boring. I know it's not nice to say that about myself but I know it's true. It's not completely true. I have worked really hard at being better. I have payed back bills and I'm sober. I'm just frustrated and the craziest part is that for ONCE I don't have PMS. I can't blame that. Okay - I have to figure out this schedule. I need to call my sponsor. Oh fuuuuck - I'm so crazy!! Bye Bluebie.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm so upset...

I hate this smoke so much. I hate living here - I feel trapped - this is such a fucking nightmare. I don't want to pay my rent anymore. I really don't. I could just save the money and fucking move. I can't believe it - he leaves his lighter out there - he just doesn't care and the landlord just doesn't care. I really am not paying him - I'm fucking drowning here. This place has been a nightmare since the second day I lived here. I feel like I am being poisoned. Well I am. I look terrible. I have to stop thinkng about this. Today I did some nice things. I had a walk, a yummy sandwich, a delicious gelato cone. I got home early. I rested. I am so upsset now. All night long I smell smoke. I have to stop thinking about this. Please God I just want to move. I feel like I am dying - I'm so angry and unhappy. Bye.

Fighting the smoke with

the humidifier!! That finally helped a little. Jesus Christ. Well I feel not so nearly crazy this morning - although I am still not okay. I was so toxic yesterday but seriously - I realized by the end of the night that - well - if I sleep till - I mean if I stay up till 4 and I only get 6 hours of sleep or whatever - if I don't rest enough - I'm not going to feel good. I hate Boris - yesterday he walked by me on the stairs and he smelled so bad. Okay - in all fairness - I don't want to be fair. What a fucking turd he is. He is getting a total free ride. I have to get out of this house. Oh dear - there we go - I'm all upset again. The dog is freezing because I have the windows open. I'm so tired of being stuck. When do I get to be happy, joyous and free? I just haven't been able to get myself back. I get so tired - so weary. The other girl is quitting the boutique!! Holy shit - so now I can arrange my schedule better except that - well - ugh - what a pain in the ass. I have to call her later - I couldn't deal with it today. I have to go do service at my meeting and then go get the dog's food and then - what? Come home. She didn't put my hours in again. I should have gotten paid today but I didn't. I don't want to work there anymore either!! She said she just wants to focus on her acting - which is awesome. I have to go - I'm going to be late for my service. I don't want to leave. I hate Boris more than anything right now. I hate his smoke. Bye.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Hello Bluebie Monday

I think I learned something about the smoking. I did some research and I think the candles and incense I have been burning make it worse. I found an article that said not to burn them if you are sensitive to smoke. So I didn't last night and it seemed a bit better. Okay - enough of that. I have a gyno appointment today - scariness. I got my thing renewed where I go tot he doctor for cheap. What does that make any sense? It's $42.00 for an appointment there and it's $75.00 at Planned Parenthood so I decided to do this. They also had a cancellation so they could take me right away. I have now caught up on all the stuff I have needed and wanted to do. Taxes, doctors, gifts for people(I finally sent my cousin something for her twins), and paying back things. I found another bill I have to pay back but I am going to save for it. Take my time so I'm not hurting myself. Right now at this moment I can see how the healing is progressive. Boris is out there smoking right now. Whatever. The healing is progressive - it takes time. I have to get in the shower. Yikes I'm nervous to do this - noooot fun. I hate Boris - I can't help it. I have to say it felt good to say that. Also I wrote to that ex and he was very nice. Funny and nice - no big deal. That makes me feel so much better. Somehow something has shifted - thank God. Okay - bye.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I'm exhausted.

Last night waitressing was so fucking hard. I was so fucking tired by the end of the night I couldn't think straight. Here's the amazing part - I have 4 days off now. I have a gyno appointment tomorrow which is overdo and I have therapy also. I keep waking up to cigarette smoke but - well - what can I do? I washed my sheets - that's what I did. I needed to and my gratitude at having a washer and dryer right next to my room offset the smoke so there you go. I have such a headache - ugh. The smoke is worse than ever. I was getting really frustrated right now having woken up all discombobulated and then I read a quote about patience. That made me feel better. I also yesterday talked to my friend and she made me feel so much better. I talked to her about how I feel left out of comedy etc and well - she's right about a lot of it. I didn't want to be friends with a lot of these people anymore. Ugh - I can't wait to go to therapy tomorrow. I can't believe how sick I feel right now. It's like I can't handle caffeine anymore. I had an Americano last night and I turned bright red and was shaking - it was crazy. What the fuck with this smoke? I should just go buy an air purifier. Okay - I will try that. It feels like nothing is getting better right now. Oh my God - I feel sick and I still live here. I sent a message to an old boyfriend and said hi and I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that? He didn't respond and now I need to tell my sponsor. I have to run some errands and I need to get some exercise and I REALLY need a meeting. Hold on I want to look at this time last year. I just read my posts from a year ago - the 22nd and the 24th....and I sound nuts. Not angry - up in my head - not in reality. I asked how come no hot guys ever liked me back?? What? That ex-boyfriend liked me back - he loved me and he's VERY hot. Holy fuck. I feel like I am going to the bottom of a canyon on one of those little seats attached to rope and because it stopped I thought I was at the bottom even though I was till floating in the air. Like "Oh I like being here at the bottom - it feels so nice and airy!!" Meanwhile I'm floating all clueless. Gross. What the fuck is going on? I've been so clueless and not in reality. Okay - just for today - just take care of today. Learn from today and do my work today. That's what I can do today. I'm getting closer to the botom and soon I am going to thud upon it and snap truley into reality. That is going to feel much different than the floating. I don't know if I'm going to like it. Bye Blueb. I suppose I should practice compassion for myself or at least be willing to have it. Right right be willing to pray for willingness. Yeesh - bye.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Hello Saturday....

I'm at the boutique. What can I say? I realized something (don't I always?) this morning, last night and yesterday. I have the MOST negative thought patterns. It has been crippling me for so long. Also so many residual feelings - lord have mercy. I also thought this morning about how a gold fish grows to the size of the bowl you put it in. Well - huh - I have put myself in such a small, angry bowl. I am saying all of this in a very "I'm not beating myself up - I'm just realizing it for real" kind of way. It is awful (sort of) to say but listening to other people be so reactive to things and unrealistic, emotional and not taking care of themselves - has helped me. I'm not articulating what I want to say. I have had a REALLY bad attitude and just - sitting - wanting other people to fix me. Jesus - I am JUST learning how to take care of myself. I am finally brushing and flossing on a regular basis. What? I'm getting a little bit better with my money all the time. I also realized how - lucky I have been. Why don't I ever think that way? I have been incredible lucky in my life in many ways - many gifts, friends, love, I'm hilarious. Gross - I was joking and it didn't even make me laugh. Today I feel better - I got some rest last night (not enough and the cigarette smoke is awful) and I was able to shower, walk the dog, get ready, drink a green drink and get here at 10:30. Which is a half hour later than I'm supposed to be but I will stay till 6:30. Do I just feel better because I didn't have PMS anymore? Am I really that person? Well - let's say I am.....I have to accept it and I can't accept it and move on from it until I know it. I am a slave to my emotions and my hormones. I sound like I am being hard on myself. I woke up angry this morning because of the cigarette smoke and then I said a prayer right away and everything changed. I felt an absolute shift inside of me. It was also like I went right back into my body. I stopped being so stuck in my mind and my rage/anger. I'm so happy I'm not dating anyone. I have really needed this time. I am so - I don't know. I am sifting through all my stuff that has I guess always been with me - before I started to dump alcohol on it. Also I play the victim - holy fucking fuck - so much. I'm tired of all these roles I have put myself in. I'm bored of it - I really am. And I'm doing it!! How crazy is that?? Victim? Please. Because I can't say no? Or because I'm imprinted to be codependent and MISERABLE in relationships?? Please. Someone said to me earlier in the week that I do have choices and I do. Okay - so - there you go. I have the choice as to whether or not I want to torture myself with negative thinking and victimology. Huh? Exactly. Time to get stronger. Inside for starters. I should go. Bye Bluebie.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Barf.

I had the craziest dream this morning. Okay a woman just came in and asked me if I wanted a job. Um - what? She just walked in and said - oh you don't have to leave her but do you want more work? I've never seen her in my life. She said from her home - health and wellness. Uh - I - whatever. This was another chase, kidnapping, guns blazing dream. My ex-boyfriend was in it and then at the end someone got their hand shot off in the backseat of the getaway car. They were flapping it all over the place - blood sprayed every where - all over the windows. He was flapping his blown-up hand all over the place. When we got to the hospital I realized it was a little boy but he was okay and didn't mind his missing hand. It was such an awful dream. How weird would it be if I thought it was a great dream? My ex didn't want to help me in the dream - he still hated me. Then near the end he was helping me - we sort of banded together again. I miss him. Drugs and alcohol. They ruin everything. Ugh - that and being crazy. When am I going to be better? I am so fighting these character defects right now. I'm feeling really insecure and - awful. Meanwhile my ego is having a fucking field day. How is that possible? Look the only thing I can say is I never thought I would be able to stop drinking - never. I never thought I could stop smoking pot or being COMPLETELY filled with rage. Now I'm just - sad and lonely. Haha - wow - that made me laugh. Okay - I'm - just - in it I suppose. My point is I never thought I could stop being so self-destructive and now even though it doesn't feel like it's going to change I have to trust that I will stop being so hard on myself and my self-esteem is going to change. My negative thoughts, behaviors and actions will change. I will learn to love myself. Now I'm crying and then I started to laugh and now I feel sick. I would be happy with just some more peace for fuck's sake. I MISS that boyfriend. Okay I miss that boyfriend when he was great. When do I get to be happy, joyous and free? I am my own worst enemy. That Einstein quote that says we can't fix a problem by using the same thinking we used when we made the problem. What? Hold on. "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." He also has a bunch of quotes about the power and importance of imagination. "Once we accept our limits - we go beyond them." Is that where I am right now? I am such a gossip and I - I would rather complain and be a victim then actually change my life. I use excuses and blame. Ha and by ha I mean - Jesus. How awful. I don't want to accept these things. I want someone to save me. Would someone else loving me, helping me, making it all good for me - help - really? Me inside? I don't know. I don't know? I KNOW. I just don't WANT to know. I'm finally at the core of the wart. It's gross. I have to pop it. Grosser. I don't know what I have to do. Love? Try to love. Be kind. Try to be kind. Barf. So barf. Bye Bluebie.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Holy fuck this is so fucking hard.

I am really back in it again. I'm not depressed but I am FEELING more if you can fucking imagine that. I'm not doing enough work is what it really is and I don't want to. I want to lie down and eat scrambled eggs. I did work today. I just - I don't know know how to write all that has happened over the last 5 days or so but I can say this. I am at another fork in the road and this one seems harder to decide which way to go. I know that sentence doesn't make any sense. i can't keep being so angry and I can't keep getting angry because I don't say no to people, put up boundaries or be easy on myself. I'm pretty sure watching 5 hours of Law and Order SVU is not being easy on myself. The smoke has been so bad in the house - holy fuck. The people below me - staying in the room right now - smoke all night long and smoke in the mornings. I hate living there so much. I feel like I am trying to be smoked out. It's crazy. I'm going to have to start sleeping with the window open. The crazy part is he must be smelling the smoke in his room also - how is he not saying anything. Or is it just Boris? Well anyway today I went and looked at places online and I'm going to keep doing that. I found another bill I need/want to pay back and this one - in order for me to be able to afford it - I need to pay it in one lump sum and lord knows how long that is going to take for me to save up for. Maybe not long. I'm so sleepy. I'm sending my cousin a card and a check for her twins. Or just for her and her husband. Holy cow it must be so expensive. I want to blame how sick I feel on the cigarette smoke. I also though - have my period and I didn't get enough sleep. God help me one day I am leaving that place - it's going to happen. There's no smoke right now!! I have another job to go to where there also is no smoke. okay - bye Blueberry. I'm scared - I'm scared I can't do this - be sober and ever be happier or get past my destructive ego. It's scary - so fucking scary. I just want relief and I want to not feel this way. Neither of those things can happen quickly. Bye.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Lord.

I was so grumpy with the cab driver this morning. It is so frustrating to be paying for a cab and then on top of it - he honked at ME to pick me - totes aggressive and then just mosied along. He was - ugh - I don't know. It did occur to me after I got out that perhaps he had a hearing problem and that he didn't speak English very well. He didn't want to drive the way I wanted to drive and when I asked if he had a better way he ignored me. He also was sort of argumentative and going "Okay - okay" in a 'calm down crazy lady kind' of way. Jesus - it made me so mad and it made me upset that I was being a jerk and not trying harder to just communicate. He just didn't do what I WANTED and it made me so fucking mad. There has got to be a better way to deal with that kind of situation. I'm doing the open mike before work tonight to get ready for the show on Sunday. I'm actually excited. I have 2 new jokes to try tonight. It has taken me so long to write on here this morning because I feel so guilty for being a jerk to the cab driver. So I no longer wanted to focus on writing or doing my work because then I'm taking care of myself and how do I have any right to do that - I was grumpy to a cab driver?? I didn't swear at him, steal from him - not pay him or even yell. Okay - but I was a turd and I need to talk to Her Lady Wonder about it. I wanted to bring my uke here today but I thought that was really pushing it. Literally only one person has come in here today. Oh wait two. Two people. Weird. I totally got mad at work last night (shocker) and then I breathed (what? opened my mouth and focused on my breath) and it got so much better. I tried that so many times in the cab today and it didn't work. I was just annoyed and I couldn't let it go. I swear to God I thought the guy was fucking with me and being a jerk on purpose. I know that it isn't true I just couldn't shake or breath my way out of being a turd. I HAVE TO GO!! Bye Bluebie - love youbie.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Bad attitude or.....

I could go about my day which I am doing. What? That doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure if I have a bad attitude or if I'm having a bad day. The smoke was so crazy last night - I guess in reality it's always bad. I just need to take care of myself and stop focusing on it. I want to blame the smoke for making me look hung-over today but I have terrible PMS. So. I prayed/meditated, walked the dog, showered, washed and took my vitamins. I cleaned all day yesterday and getting into a clean bed with clean sheets and fresh clean pillows is absolute heaven. It's frustrating but it's just going to take time for things to change. I don't want to take time....I want to live in the beach house right now and doing tons of art, laughing, cooking and not having any cigarette smoke around. I hate this job - I'm at the store. I get paid the same I got paid to babysit. My shoulder hurts so badly it's crazy. This job is literally hurting me. Why don't I just leave? I'm so confused. I just sit here - I'm writing on here for fuck's sake. There has to be an answer. I look better working here and I take better care of myself. I really don't want to go just back to that comedy club only. It's sooo gross. Okay. I can give myself 6 more months. Here and there. Save money. Get the fuck out of that house. The lady below me was barfing this morning. Okay now I'm crying. My sister just sent me the sweetest message. Oh lord I am so PMs. It's all rainy and dark plus when I woke up I got a flash to be really careful here today. It kind of scared me awake. I asked the other girl to switch a day with me (usually she's my friend who got me the job here but today she's the other girl who works here) but she said no. she doesn't want to switch her schedule around. Plus she took my wrist cushion thing I left here by mistake. Ugh - I hate it here. I think today is not the day to decide anything. I should go Bluebie - byeee.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Okay - here we go - a day off....

I slept okay - only slightly bizarre dreams. To be honest I think the last dream I had was the woman who is staying below me's dream. Well I went to the doctor yesterday and one of the things he told me was that (I think this is what he said) when you have a lot of energy - negative - you have THAT much more energy to use to propel yourself towards what you really want and a balanced life. He didn't say it like that but that is my interpretation. Here is the thing - all my anger and negative thoughts has not gotten what I've wanted. So. Well so so far today I have been thinking about how to use all my anger (which is already coming up) to get what I want. Stopping and changing the direction of the negative thoughts into positive ones. Her Lady Wonder said to stop fighting what I can't fight and use my energy to get what I want. Stop focusing on what I don't want and start focusing on what I do. This is all the same stuff. Changing my thoughts. It's so hard somehow. It's not like not taking a drink or even exercise or working work....but it's so constant and so - fighting against the grain. I feel like I'm taking a Tsunami and trying to change the direction of it. No - that's not it. Well - sort of. My default is to just - get angry, embarrassed and think negative thoughts. Also beat myself up and blah, blah. Okay - so there you go. Right now it reeks of cigarettes in my room and I'm just giving that energy to the place I do want. Oh something else happened.....I got home last night and Boris had some friends over and he and the landlord were all happy again. They even hugged in front of me (ew and barf) to prove it. Well I went upstairs, ate my food, walked the dog and by he time I went back upstairs the landlord was a little weird again - but for a FACT not because of me. Well I got back up here and I was like - okay - right - things are better tonight and I am not going to fight the cigarettes and I am going to revamp my efforts to move out of here. Seriously revamp. I also was like - this is going to change - they will fight and be weird again - it has nothing to do with me and so what? I still want to move. TOTALLY. So I wasn't like - oh everything is fine I will stay here forever - I don't even want to think about what it would take to move. Then when things get all weird again - beat myself up for thinking it could be better. I don't know if I am explaining myself well but it was a real switch of thinking for me as well as SEEING. Seeing the truth of the situation. The doctor said that their situation is wrought with the possibility of drama. He also said drama is a way of not taking responsibility. Huh. I am seeing that it is possible that I am not stuck here. I don't feel so well that being said. At this particular moment. It still smells like cigarettes in her but maybe it's my coffee. I feel tired like I want to lay down and I just got up and I have a lot to do. I have to work on my show for Sunday. I wrote some things down while out and about yesterday. I'm so nervous and scared and I feel so unprepared that I am just sitting on my energy. I feel like there is no way I can do this well so why bother. Yikes. Okay - well - that's not the right way to go about this. Okay - bye.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Ohhhh boy.

Last night was a hard night at the end of the night. Boris was smoking downstairs outside my room - a lot. I asked the landlord if I should stop asking him to not smoke out there since he obviously still is. I realized when I'm not here he still does and last night he just was. Well the landlord got all upset and said they were having a really hard time and then he slapped (I'm not kidding - SLAPPED) the banister and said - twice "It's just just too much!!" I'm not kidding - he slapped the banister. I am living with TWO Bridezillas. Okay - so - I woke up and was upset but here's the thing......it's a beautiful day. I have clean clothes. I have been drinking the regular water instead of so much soda water so I am saving money. I got a decent night's sleep and I have an appointment to see the doctor today. He even told me not to worry about the cigarette smoke so much. I feel terrible about my one plant that is totally dying but maybe it would be anyway. I sent my friend the last payment of the money I owe her. I went to therapy and a meeting yesterday and I had healthy food PLUS - this is the amazing part - I had a half a sandwich in my bag so instead of going out to eat after the meeting - I ate the sandwich and came home. What?? Even after not going out to eat I wanted to walk to Wholefoods and get macaroni and cheese. I did not. The craziest part is I want to blame these guys for me not being able to be creative. There cigarette smoke and negative energy isn't making me watching Law and Order SVU for 5 hours every night. They just aren't. So. SO there you go. I have a show this week. I should find out how much time it is - it's their kick-off show for the season. I want and need to work on this. I almost bought a vest on my home last night too but I didn't. It's so crazy - every minute I have to be vigilant about my behavior. My thoughts. I can't control these guys - I need to accept it and move on. I need to accept that I need to move also from here. How am I going to do that? First I need to get out and do my service at my meeting and go to the doctor and then get myself ready for this show. I need and should get onstage somewhere first. Bye Bluebie - enjoy your cyber day!! Positive powerful thoughts.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Life is like a bicycle....


in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving. Well - thank you to my dear sister for leaving me a wonderful message with that quote. I thought life was about being angry and resentful, eating too much and complaining. Ha!! Not a lot of movement there!!! WOW. What a great quote!! I can feel how true that is. Right now I am all about changing my thoughts by bringing my awareness back to my breath and it is SO hard. So, so, soooo, so, so hard. It is unbelievable (except I knew it) how negative my thoughts are. Negative thinking is so strongly grooved in my brain. Well okay - I know it - I am working on it. That's another of Einstein's quotes, "Watch of you thoughts for they become words,Watch you words for they become actions, watch your actions for they become habits, watch your habits for they become character, watch your character for it becomes your destiny." HOLY SHIT. It's just like The Secret says - it's all about your thoughts and up till now I have had very little control over mine. Or so I thought. I am totally loosing my focus right here. I have things I need to do and it's beautiful outside - I want to go out and enjoy it. Okay - my mind is blown once again!! I will write more later. I got a massage last night. I can't even believe I WANT to do something like that - much less do it. Amazing. Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you!!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Holla.

I am progressing and here is how I know. I wanted to eat a bacon, cheddar burger and fries for breakfast but I had a yogurt and a banana instead AND I liked it. I can feel a little bit more of the wound inside of me healing. I can feel myself getting a little more present all the time. Every time I get in my head and start having imaginary fights and reliving the past I open my mouth and bring my awareness to my breath. So I am doing this every 10 minutes or so. I did it at least 8 times already today - a bunch of times in the car on the way here. I am at the store and it is so quiet. I am trying to enjoy it. I am enjoying it. How can I adjust my schedule so I am working more reasonable hours? There has to be a positive way I can do this. the breathing is unbelievable to me. It is what The Presence Process is all about and it is also what my acting technique that I originally learned was all about. Hmmm. It's hard. it's also very foreign to me since holding my breath is my default setting. Well - maybe it used to be but doesn't have to be now. ii really felt today how I was so in my head - thinking negative thoughts - all just UP there in my head. Then I opened my mouth and suddenly I noticed the grass in the park - the day - how comfortable I was where I was sitting - the flow I was involved in. The motion. It's so crazy. Even now I am fighting going into my head. I want (or I am accustomed) to go in my head and think about my ex-boyfriend and how he has a family and blah, blah, blah. It hurts me. Well okay - there we go. Today's lesson. I like it. this is going to be a lot of work but I LIKE it. I also realized how - after talking to my sister yesterday) that I let myself be weak on the inside when I am in my head. I want to work on my inner strength now. Soft body equals strong insides. Sorry - flexible body. Okay - have to go - I should do some work. Love you Bluebie.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Yeesh.

How many titles do I have like that? Yeesh, yikes - over and over. I like those words. I am tired but not exhausted. I am bored out of my mind - today suuuuucks. It's Jewish holiday and it's verrrry quiet. Um - what? I don't know. I had an amazing conversation with my sister. I don't know - my shoulders hurt - I should put these dresses in the computer. I think I might get a nanny cam. In fact - I'm going to look that up right now. See what my landlord is up to. Really? Why? Why would I do that to myself? That really might not be a good idea. It's so lovely out - I can't wait to get out of here!!!! Love you Bluebie!!!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Completely different day today.

I have had such a different day - still strange - but not nearly as awful. I'm so glad I decided to work tonight. I found out all these awful things about soda water - which is all I drink. But if I stop drinking it I will save 1600 dollars a year or so. WHAT??? I mean I suppose that would be taken up by some regular water but WHAT??? Seriously - bye bye soda water. Now if I could just do coffee - holy shit. Soda water is bad for your teeth, skin, hair, nails AND kidneys. Oh AND wallet. What the fuck. I had no idea. Lack luster skin it gives you. Plus makes you have to pee more often. Gross. Well - these are all good reasons. Plus no matter what - regular water is cheaper. I have to pee right now. here's what I think I've learned from ballet and life as a sober person. It's all about balance and no matter what movement is required for balance. When you balance on one leg in ballet you sort of wiggle back and forth or at least I do. Not huge wiggling but sort of light wiggling. Sometimes steadier than others. Anyway between yesterday and today I think I've learned not only that I'm going to go up and down but that I just need ton KNOW that it will change and that I have the power to help assist in the movement towards change. Jesus - I have to go and write my end of the day report and get to a meeting. Byeeee Bluebie - love you.

Jeez.

I was really a mess yesterday. I walked home from work which was great and I went to bed early. I got enough sleep and I still had horrible dreams. These dreams seem to be coming from deep within my subconscious. I dreamed about my parents this time and the farm. It was gone for some reason - wiped out by a terrible storm. This is making me sick to write about it. I was talking to someone about the old days. I am not explaining it well. I made my coffee so strong this morning. I snapped at my boss yesterday - I just couldn't handle the way she was talking to me. She also said in a REALLY patronizing way "No - you aren't listening to me - listen very carefully." Um - that doesn't sound so awful on paper but (or on blog) but it was obnoxious. It was so stressful and she was annoyed I was there at the store instead of the other girl. Which I just realized - she really acts like she doesn't like me. Um - well - she doesn't even know me so why would she. I shouldn't have gotten so short with her but I really just couldn't take feeling like she was about to yell at me. I called an old friend from the program and she said she has been buying Xanax off the street so she doesn't know how sober she is. It was really sad to hear. She isn't drinking but she takes those only 3 times a month when she gets PMS. It really made me sad and it also made me realize why I haven't seen her. Well despite being a complete psycho yesterday I didn't drink or take drugs and I finally feel a bit rested and slightly more balanced. My other friend really did help me explaining feelings aren't facts. I don't know - I know I know. I got home here and I just - I don't know. He was watching me while I was walking the dog. Maybe that isn't a big deal but it totally creeps me out. He acts like he's doing the dishes but he's staring at me out the window. Why? It's so bizarre. I just need to move. If I stopped drinking coffee and soda water I would save so much money. It scares me. Moving and not drinking soda water. What? Exactly. Lord. I need to go - I really have to wash my hair. Bye Blubie - long day - a double. Talk to you later maybe. Ouch in my belly.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Completely filled with rage.

Poisonous, awful, angry rage. Is that a thing even - angry rage? Happy rage? Fuck. I hate this job - I do not want to go there. I am so annoyed. I asked her if I could buy a sweater - she said she was giving me one from last year and she did and both are too big and one is the ugliest color you have ever seen. I am so fucking annoyed right now. I hate this job. I hate my life. I am so upset all of a sudden. I should have never gone and gotten that stupid fucking hair cut with my friend. It ruined my week - now I picked up this shift and more ruined. I have nothing. I know that isn't totally true. I am so fucking mad. I have to go. I really want to just quit this job. I hate the other one also. Here we go - I am getting depressed, angry and starting to have an existential crisis. I dreamed about my dead grandmother. We were at this creepy beach house. Maybe a lake house. I didn't like it. She was dead and I could tell by her hair line and her finger nails that she was starting to rot - just a little. She knew she was dead and she was complaining about my grandfather and how ever since she died she is annoyed at his behavior - how he just sits around and hangs out. There was something about the water and a big rock in the dream. I hated it. Lord have mercy I think I have PMS already. My boobs are seriously hitting the bricks - or starting to. I am not okay - at all. I think this is the time where life starts to get worse and God help me it was never okay. I am dreading - DREADING - doing the 3 doubles over the next 3 days after today. That guy last week - he's so gross and my money depends on the ego of a disgusting creep. If I showed you a picture of him you would be like "ohhh - I get it." It's all in his photo. I can't take it anymore. All this misery and unhappiness and total frustraion. Now people are starting to act like I'm a weirdo because I am not dating or have a boyfriend. How am I supposed to do that when I can't HAVE A GUY OVER? I can't even look at him today. I hate him so much. I'm so stuck. I am so fucking stuck. Really not okay. I do not see today going well at all. Douchey upper east side women is not going to go well today. Maybe something magical will happen on my way to work. I have to go. I am already running late.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

When was the last time I wrote on here??

I have had a busy - sort of - couple of days. I saw my cousin - spent time with her and her husband. He is a nice guy. They bought me lunch and it was very sweet. I really needed more alone time that day and on Friday and I spent all day yesterday trying to recover from the weekend. I have got to learn not only to say no to people but to also just say - I need that day to myself - that's all. I am exhausted. I have to work tomorrow at the boutique for my friend - ugh. I managed to say no to her last night when she asked me to come in for 4 hours today. I said I had to run the meeting which isn't true - but when I said it - I mean it. I used to run the meeting on this day. Jesus - I am exhausted. I stayed up till past 4 the last 2 nights watching SVU. That show is so intense - holy cow. It's cold and fallish out and now I want to go to sleep for 4 days. I really - uh oh - I feel like I am getting depressed. What I really feel like is that I am getting a cold or something. I hate these jobs - I can't do it anymore - it's so awful. Okay - I just can't go to that big meeting tonight - I really can't. I need some coffee right now and maybe I will feel better. It's not just a meeting it's also going out afterwards and celebrating someones 90 days. I need to write and work on my art and finish this vision board. I just can't - I really can't. I already feel so used up after this weekend. I need a new job. One job. Or I need to figure out how to change the hours of these jobs. I'm so resentful that my time was taken on my days off. I - didn't say no - or even - just - hold on - let me think about it. I went to therapy yesterday and talked about it, then I bought myself a coat and a winter hat. Jeez. My hair looks good. That is the ONLY reason I want to leave the house - my hair looks good. Jesus. It might not be enough though. I need a meeting and I need to meditate for a long time. I also need to exercise - I totally got out of my yoga swing. I was doing so well and then in Florida my aunt told me to do sit-ups and it ruined me. I keep thinking how she said she wanted to hook me up with someone "after I start doing sit-ups." I had worked so hard to get to the point I was there. Jesus. I am not okay today. I think I should write my morning pages also. I am being hard on myself. How can I fix this - I feel stuck. Okay - Jesus. I will be back later.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Holy fuck.

I'm here at the boutique and I feel like I am hung over. I just simply can not work here after working till 2:30 in the morning. I am so tired and I feel so gross and it is impossible for me to wake up in time to look good. Oh dear - this is awful. Well.....I don't know. I suppose this is the place where I am to decide nothing. Okay - right. I just had some breakfast so okay. I didn't take my vitamins or drink my green drink or bring any water with me. I couldn't even wash my hair. I only slept 5 hours - ouch. I'm not even going to keep writing about this. My cousin is in town and - oh dear. How do people do it? Live and sleep and see people and not completely lose their shit? Work was so bad at work last night and per usual for me I got mad. Then the bus boy got mad at me. Then the bouncer got mad at me for getting mad at him. Lord. My life is so much cleaner. I just have to keep cleaning. I need to talk to my therapist about this. I need to bring something to the cleaners to get sewn right now. I should do work while I am here for now. I hope I wake up soon - I feel so out of it. Oh I am being hard on myself - not good. Gentle - gentle. Geeeeeennntttllle. Byeeeeee.