Well today I managed to get myself here to the boutique

and to get ready beforehand. I slept enough, prayed/meditated and ate breakfast. I took my vitamins and I did my holistic stuff. I called my friend when I got here because I was so upset that I woke up SO crazy. One thing she said that really resonated with me was that I no longer act out. Which you know what?? I don't. I don't cheat on my boyfriend, get credit cards and buy shit I can't afford or even get wasted. I do live a different way now. Okay. Okay so here's the thing - I'm so hard on myself and so hard on my situation. Last night before I went to bed I realized how quiet it was and I was so grateful for that. I'm learning how to live differently and it's really fucking hard. I would have drank over how I was feeling last night or even this morning. I for sure would have yelled, stomped my feet or given them silent rage when I saw them. Lord. Lord this is so hard. I just want to be creative. I am my biggest problem right now. I need to accept that. I really do - I have to accept all these things before I can change them. I'm so uncomfortable. My friend said I need to be in more action and she's right. Having slept last night was such absolute heaven getting up today. I can do that for myself - I can go to sleep at a decent hour and get enough rest. I can love myself. YIKES!!! YIKES!! That is so fucking hard to say. I'm not free from the past yet but I can be. Or at least I know other people have been so I should be able to be. Lord. Another good thing that has happened is I think I have finally learned how to haggle. I'm so sick of feeling like a loser. I am so sick of being a loser. It's boring. I know it's not nice to say that about myself but I know it's true. It's not completely true. I have worked really hard at being better. I have payed back bills and I'm sober. I'm just frustrated and the craziest part is that for ONCE I don't have PMS. I can't blame that. Okay - I have to figure out this schedule. I need to call my sponsor. Oh fuuuuck - I'm so crazy!! Bye Bluebie.