Hello Saturday....

I'm at the boutique. What can I say? I realized something (don't I always?) this morning, last night and yesterday. I have the MOST negative thought patterns. It has been crippling me for so long. Also so many residual feelings - lord have mercy. I also thought this morning about how a gold fish grows to the size of the bowl you put it in. Well - huh - I have put myself in such a small, angry bowl. I am saying all of this in a very "I'm not beating myself up - I'm just realizing it for real" kind of way. It is awful (sort of) to say but listening to other people be so reactive to things and unrealistic, emotional and not taking care of themselves - has helped me. I'm not articulating what I want to say. I have had a REALLY bad attitude and just - sitting - wanting other people to fix me. Jesus - I am JUST learning how to take care of myself. I am finally brushing and flossing on a regular basis. What? I'm getting a little bit better with my money all the time. I also realized how - lucky I have been. Why don't I ever think that way? I have been incredible lucky in my life in many ways - many gifts, friends, love, I'm hilarious. Gross - I was joking and it didn't even make me laugh. Today I feel better - I got some rest last night (not enough and the cigarette smoke is awful) and I was able to shower, walk the dog, get ready, drink a green drink and get here at 10:30. Which is a half hour later than I'm supposed to be but I will stay till 6:30. Do I just feel better because I didn't have PMS anymore? Am I really that person? Well - let's say I am.....I have to accept it and I can't accept it and move on from it until I know it. I am a slave to my emotions and my hormones. I sound like I am being hard on myself. I woke up angry this morning because of the cigarette smoke and then I said a prayer right away and everything changed. I felt an absolute shift inside of me. It was also like I went right back into my body. I stopped being so stuck in my mind and my rage/anger. I'm so happy I'm not dating anyone. I have really needed this time. I am so - I don't know. I am sifting through all my stuff that has I guess always been with me - before I started to dump alcohol on it. Also I play the victim - holy fucking fuck - so much. I'm tired of all these roles I have put myself in. I'm bored of it - I really am. And I'm doing it!! How crazy is that?? Victim? Please. Because I can't say no? Or because I'm imprinted to be codependent and MISERABLE in relationships?? Please. Someone said to me earlier in the week that I do have choices and I do. Okay - so - there you go. I have the choice as to whether or not I want to torture myself with negative thinking and victimology. Huh? Exactly. Time to get stronger. Inside for starters. I should go. Bye Bluebie.