Saturday, September 30, 2017

Radical Acceptance

Or just acceptance?  I just ate a little bowl of butternut squash soup that I made in the crock pot.  I toasted a couple pieces of Exotic Black Rice Bread and had those too.  It was delicious.  I read today's reading from a book called Journey To The Heart by Melody Beattie.  It talked about  being a healer by being who you are.  Something like that.  And about pine trees which made me think of my father.  Then it said at the end of the passage - wait let me actually read it so I can quote it correctly....."Open to your healing powers and you will cherish your past, all you have gone through and done."  That's awesome right?  It made me think of acceptance and how in order to cherish your past you have to accept it.  Then I realized that I need to accept this.  Actually I don't need to - I can do anything I want.  But this IS what is happening.  I have breast cancer and I need chemo.  I just want to accept this.  I had to surrender to my alcoholism right?  I have to surrender tot his too.  It doesn't matter why this is happening, all that matters is that it is.  This is what I have to deal with right now.  Holy shit - side note?  The little kids who scream all day moved out from next door yesterday!  I'm not kidding - 30 minutes later?  3 different one plus a fucking baby that they let cry ALL DAY ON THE PORCH moved in.  Haha what the serious fuck.  Right now one of them has literally - I'm not kidding - literally been screaming - a high pitched scream for 3 minutes straight.  Okay she stopped.  Oh boy.  I was so sad those kids moved out.  I guess I had a reason to be since these kids seem even MORE obnoxious!  Good lord.  Okay I am getting sleepy bye.

The Healing of Hugh Hefner and Caturday.

Hugh Hefner died and I have been using him as a healing angel.  I was meditating one day this eek - I mean was it yesterday? He just died on the 27th - okay so I don't remember but - oh maybe it was the next day.  Yes - or the day that he died?  ANYWAY I was meditating and I was in pain and I asked Hugh Hefner to help me and I felt a surge of healing energy come into me.  Surge is an exaggeration - a bunch of healing energy - a strong current of healing energy - that's it.  A current of healing energy and so now he is one of my healing angels.  I just realized he was all about the boobs so that seems perfect - or something - I don't know.  Maybe it was the medication.  I'm home on the couch.  I went to my ladies meeting this morning and celebrated my anniversary - it was great.  I really needed a meeting and I really needed to talk about the pills I was taking this week.  They made me so sick and I WANTED MORE.  I actually told myself while I was so nauseous and feeling terrible "That I just need to get past this part to get to the good part."  How fucking alcoholic is that?  Jesus.  Anyway.  My sister told me it's Caturday so she is going to send me cat videos to cheer me up.  I heard from the doctor yesterday.  It's not such great news - I need chemo.  So that's the next step.  She ended up taking out 4 tumors.  I have to say that I really was like wow - holy shit - this - I really fucking have breast cancer.  What the fuck.  I was so upset last night.  I was crying - my boyfriend was crying.  He's so upset to see me going through this.  It's got to be so stressful for him too.  They give coins at my ladies meetings for your anniversary right?  You pick them out of a bag.  My coin says "Change your attitude change your world."  I said oh that's a funny coin for me because I have a bad attitude.  And you know how I REALLY know that's true?  Because I was like "THIS COIN SUCKS."  Ha!  I was so annoyed I didn't get a more awesome coin.  SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC.  Someone offered to switch coins with me - how sweet is that?  I kept it though because honestly - that's what I must need to have.  Also it is everything, attitude.  My mother has a great attitude.  She has had a cataract in her eye for like 15 years that has never grown.  Maybe it's genetics but she is really someone who takes a punch and keeps going.  She has mad acceptance in her life.  A super strong connection to her higher power and an amazing attitude.  She's not in lala land either - she exists in reality.  I know I am not going to feel this way when I am sick from chemo but this is an opportunity.  It has to be.  I have no fucking idea what it is but it is an opportunity.  I would have thought I have changed so much.  I mean maybe but maybe not.  My thinking has really stayed the same all these years.  Much less crazy but still pretty negative.  Am I beating myself up?  Christ I hope not.  It's a though and an observation.  I have to say I am healing from the surgery and I feel a little better.  I mean it has to help to have that cancer out of me right?  Maybe I'm imagining it but I also feel a little clearer in my right frontal lobe when I meditate.  How fucking nuts is that?  I realized it the other day - like someone cleared something away in my brain or my mind.  It feels breezier.  Just - clearer.  Whatever.  I need to meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Done and Waiting

I had the surgery and now I am waiting for the results.  They were so nice at the hospital.  Oh fuck you know I too a half a Percocet and now I feel a little gross I don't think I can write.  I have to take half because a full one makes me sick.  Okay I will write another time - love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Day 2942.

It's sunny out today.  I woke up early to go to my ladies meeting and then while I was eating my toast I realized I was never going to make it in time.  I just also couldn't go.  I need to go to a meeting where everyone doesn't know what is happening.  I can't answer anymore questions.  I feel so anxious.  The mornings are definitely a very anxious time.  I'm way over-stimulated.  Anyway I just wrote in my journal and now I am writing in here.  On here?  Through here?  I am so fucking scared.  If I thought stage fright caused my fight or flight to kick in it is NOTHING compared to this.  This is like full on fight or flight.  Actually it feels like flight flight flight.  Holy fuck.  I'm like high off of it actually.  Anyway I have things to do and food to cook.  I think I will feel better once I get out of the house and run some errands.  I'm scared about what my body is going to look like but oh you know what I just realized?  I have all these booklets they gave me - all this stuff to read.  I will read that stuff.  I just want to be able to dance again.  Holy shit.  This is the craziest challenge and honestly I don't know if I can do it.  Yesterday I was really freaking out - I mean honestly and truly I was like I can not fucking do this.  It got better as the day went on - I got organized and I have no idea what - it shifted.  Now it's back.  Okay I guess it's waves and it's so gross.  Maybe I should meditate a few minutes again.  It was really hard this morning - I could barely focus.  Yeah I am going to do that.  Everyone keeps saying to turn it over.  Just breathe and turn it over.  All of it.  Everything.  I don't know if they said that but I'm saying that.  Yeah okay I'm going to take a few minutes.  I feel like there is something I should do but I just don't know what it is.  How could I possibly know how to get ready for something like this?  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

A Penny Has Two Faces

Do you remember or did you ever watch that movie White Nights?  With Baryshnikov and Gregory Hines?  I must have watched that movie 40 times.  Maybe it was 14 times but it was as many times as I could watch it.  I had the soundtrack - on CASETTE what?  There was a song on the soundtrack called "The Other Side of The World" and the first lyric says "A penny has two faces, when one of them you have to chose - between two places - one must win an one must lose."  Chaka Khan baby!!  Um I just looked it up to make sure that was the right song and got completely lost in videos from the movie.  The dancing is so fucking awesome.  OKAY WHAT WAS MY POINT?  I have no idea.  some thing about how things totally suck right now yet I can chose to not see it that way if I want.  I have health insurance, I am being taken care of and I am loved.  It's always a choice I guess.  I have a friend - let's call her Blurgon because that's her name.  Ha no.  Her name is not Blurgon but it rhymes with Blurgon.  Ha not it doesn't.  It doesn't matter.  She has been my tenth step buddy for years - yeaaaars.  I give a lot of my time to this woman and she has given me a lot of time although not as much.  As soon as this happened she seemed strangely distant about it but more than that - the last couple of weeks she just calls me, yells about her husband, we do the tenth step and then she says thank you.  Doesn't even ask about me.  It doesn't matter,  Okay that's a lie it totally matters - it's so hurtful.  But guess what? I have never asked that much of her - out of fear.  Fear that she's better than me, that she has too much to do, a bigger life I don't know.  But guess what?  I asked for 30% and now in a time where I honestly and truly need support?  She's not showing up.  But why would she?  I have never really asked her to.  It's so gross.  And this - THIS IS MY PATTERN.  I don't do it with men anymore I just do it with friends.  Good God.  Well anyway I am have been crying all morning on and off.  They are going to take a lot out of each boob - I am so fucking sad and scared.  I just can't imagine having a friend tell me that they have breast cancer and then for WEEKS never asking about even after a phone conversation.  Do I matter so little to this woman whose phone calls I take ALL THE TIME?  Yes I still have PMS.  IT doesn't matter what I would do what matters is what I accept and I do not accept this.  So anyway I realized while I was writing in my journal that I have people who aren't or can't show up but guess what?  There are so many other people who have honestly and truly shown up for me.  Could I say something to her?  Yes and I am sure she would be receptive but it feels exhausting.  Exhausting and terrifying and just I don't know.  Haven't I been exhausted and terrified enough lately?  I am allowed to feel disappointed.  I am allowed to feel wildly disappointed and not have to be responsible for this relationship.  She's a grown-ass woman in multiple programs.  Regardless I have a choice to see what is good in my life right now far outweighs what is hurting me - at least people-wise.  This surgery is finally going to be next week and I am - I don't know.  So scared.  I'm going to go for a walk.  It's sunny out - it's a beautiful day.  I have a lot to be grateful for.  I am also allowed to feel grateful, loved, hurt, scared, bewildered, confused, kind and tired.  All of it.  Bye.

PS.  Okay I went for a walk and it's well over an hour later.  I just have to say I - omg what?  What in the fuck am I trying to say?  Look - Blurgon doesn't know I'm upset and I have never told her the different times I have been upset when she's been super selfish and self-centered.  This is my bizarre pattern with people.  We tell them how we are to be treated.  And listen how she is acting is a reflection of her not me - but I'm the one that accepts it or not.  Anyway I realized on my walk that it's time I chose me in every way.  That is what other people do.  It's my alanon disease that tells me I have some sort of overdeveloped sense of responsibility for other people's feelings.  I deserve to have in relationships what I give.  God fucking Lord do I have PMS or what?  Maybe I am just having actual appropriate feelings to people's shortcomings.  Maybe!  God let me please let this go.  I have so much else to worry about.  So many other places to put my energy.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

I guess.....

I have to decide if I want to live.  That's it right?  I mean I have to really fucking decide.  The doctor called me today and explained what needs to be done and a big chunk (barf and not her wording) needs to be taken out and I can do that or the other thing.  Because they don't know till they operate what's going on - that's all - and more might need to be done later.  More and even the big deal thing.  I can't write it!  I just can't.  Anyway she gives me these options and then was like "What do you think?"  Ha.  Or not ha I don't know.  I asked her what she would do if she were me and she said lumpectomy.  she told me to think about it.  I called my therapist, two women who have had this and my boyfriend.  And my mother.  Okay so I decide lumpectomy and then it was the end of their day and I still don't have surgery scheduled or at least I don't think so.  Meanwhile I somehow write a little bit and work on my jokes, get myself showered (finally) and go do a show.  It was great.  It was such a fucking relief to do a show.  So much fun.  Then we went to another club, watched some comedy till my friend flipped out and needed pizza.  I drove her home and came home.  I sang in the car on the way home.  Then I get here and I have been fighting this cold right?  I mean ever since this happened and I started to take all the supplements and stuff from the Snake Doctor I have been getting this cold on and off again.  It also seems like when my body is trying to recover from the tests that I get the cold again.  ANYWAY so I get here and I am trying to figure out if this shit is in my lymph nodes or not - you know like is this cold because of that?  Is that why my back feels a little funny?  Ugh anyway - who the fuck knows?  I can't figure out an answer because really the only way anyone can figure it out is by operating on them.  Or whatever - biopsying them?  Then I think about how I need to keep eating healthy and then I just realized this, and I have thought it many times but it was very clear to me that I have to fucking decide I want to live.  Really.  I want to live and I want to heal and I want to get out of my own way to let that happen.  Is that my answer?  I think that is still part of the question.  When I was driving into the city tonight my fight or flight was so fucking kicked in and I just was like holy shit I have breast cancer.  What the fuck?  What the fuck is that?  Not one person in my huge family has ever had any cancer of any kind.  And so what?  It doesn't matter - I do.  I do and I need to decide if I want to live and then I need to decide I really want to live.  I think I'm tired now. 

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Exhausted.

I went and got the MRI this morning - good Lord that was rough.  It was a much smaller machine and how the fuck do people do those who don't meditate?  I kept saying "I can do this it's going to save my life" over and over and over again.  As I write this though I'm not sure if that's true but I had to tell myself that to get through it.  I felt my father there.  A young version of my father.  I almost started to cry and then I had to stop because if you move the tiniest bit they have to start over.  I smelled so bad.  I couldn't take a shower this morning and I haven't been wearing deodorant because of the tests.  I kept saying "Oh I smell so bad"  hoping she would say no you don't!  But that never happened.  Anyway I am home and on the couch.  The guy went with me and was so nice.  Okay so I had to cancel the podcast tonight which is a bummer but I just can't drive into the city.  I bled everywhere last night - I need to rest.  I think I need to take a nap.  I started to watch the video they sent me about the operation and I had to turn it off.  I was like whoa - can not take anymore today.  Or at least not till later.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe when I find out for sure when the surgery is!  Okay love love bye.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Rewind.

I can't sleep.  Okay fine.  I laid here in the dark for over an hour and finally got back up and turned on 30 Rock again.  I obviously needed to write for some reason about my rage from an innocuous email not answered.  Um okay.  It's not even real but I do go to people who don't have a lot to give a lot but that isn't the point right now!  I have so many people in my life who love me and care about me.  The real me!  The absolute real me.  And they were so nice at the hospital today and really listened to me.  I'm not sure what I'm saying.  I calmed down and I think I would like to be less negative.  WAIT!  LESS OF A VICTIM OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW I HAVE GIVEN THEM ANY POWER.   Oh my God why did I drink coffee this afternoon?  I was just distracting myself I guess.  Okay so how am I going to be nice to myself?  Good to myself?  Is this an alanon thing?  Is this a thinking too much about myself thing?  Is this A RIDDLE THAT CAN NEVER BE SOLVED??  Who gives a fuck.  I mean not what it's about but why.  I do need to be nicer to myself!  I demand it.  I demand better treatment from my brain.  Maybe I can sleep now - xoxo.

Ugh.

I am okay - I just have to say but I'm in pain.  The biopsy I had today did not hurt until later and then and now it hurts a lot.  But I'm okay - I'm just tired and my life has just - stopped.  I go to meetings and go help the kids with their homework but I am not creative at all.  Oh I am feeling sorry for myself!  Just realized.  Also I reached out to that fucking acting teacher of mine - the hot one....the hot one who gives mixed messages, sometimes communicates, sometimes doesn't and straight up has always been confusing?  That guy?  For some sick reason I sent him a totally innocuous message about me having some health issues and how I should be better by November.  I then waited all day for a response and WHY?  I didn't ask for anything and I certainly didn't say "Hey - I have breast cancer and I feel vulnerable....can you feel sorry for me and give me some sort of validation?  Thank you!"  So what the fuck did I want?  I do this and have done it for years.  Go to these people who don't have much to give, are self-centered and confusing in their communication (ie hot and cold) and just KEEP TRYING TO GET THEM TO MAKE MY CHILDHOOD FEEL BETTER.  Holy fucking barfness.  And guess what?  I deserve better.  I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON AND FRIEND.  AND I AM FUCKING FUNNY AND TALENTED.  I deserve better that's it.  I wish I could suck that stupid email out of the ether the way they sucked that stuff out of my boob today in the biopsy.  I'm sure I will do it again and who cares?  I'm a human being and this is one of my flaws.  But who gives a fuck?  SOME PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE AND EAT THEM.  Or some people - like Barbara Driscoll - stalk people and just act like a completely batshit crazy annoying make up their own rules nutcases.  So I keep asking people who have made it clear to me that - what?  That things aren't clear and they don't have anything to give.  Or only once in awhile and I never really know when that is.  Wow - I'm angry.  Am I angry at myself?  I hope not.  I think for once I'm not.  Do you know why?  Because people play mind games and are not responsible with their actions and behaviors.  Ugh anyway it's the repetition compulsion.  I just can't stand how I feel sometimes and I want that one person to make me feel better.  Well they never do.  Guess what?  For the few minutes I typed this my boob didn't hurt or I didn't notice it.  Okay gotta go watch New Girl.  No maybe I need to switch to 30 Rock.  Somehow that show is more realistic.  Holy shit I just took off my shirt and I had bled through my bra and the bandage.  My poor boobs.  It's okay.  Why do I keep saying that?  Because it is.  Jesus.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Day 2929

Wow - that's a lot of days.  Or not I don't know.  At this moment it seems like a lot of days!  Okay well I only made it through one biopsy - I was so out of my mind with anxiety that even though it didn't hurt I just couldn't do the other boob.  The other boob was the boob that hurt last time and I was DONE.  I was shaking and crying.  Haha I am laughing saying that because it didn't hurt - it was uncomfortable but I was just so terrified.  I did bleed a lot.  I mean A LOT.  Blood was spurting out of my boob and the nurse asked me if I had trouble clotting.  It was probably because my blood pressure was at a million over a million with anxiety.  Needless to say I have now cut back on coffee.  I don't think that was helping any.  Anyway I think probably what they biopsied is also going to be not good but it's in the same area as the other stuff.  Then next week I do the other side.  It's okay.  I just have to do it.  I don't even want to write about it anymore - it just has to be done.  Okay so now this is what I did yesterday and I'm not sure why I need to write this but for some reason I do.  I woke up yesterday and was super out of it.  I got myself together and went to my ladies meeting right?  I went to see the guy at his office and came home - I was so out of it I felt like I was tripping kind of - really in my head and just so so tired.  So I came back here and just sat on the couch, rested, drank tea, meditated twice, wrote a tiny bit in my journal and just - talked to people on the phone an rested.  the guy came home and we made dinner and watched like 5 episodes of 30 Rock.  That was it - went to bed early and woke up today feeling so much better.  It is the craziest thing.  I guess I took care of myself but it is so fucking counter-intuitive to me I can't even tell you.  I am just hard-wired to be hard on myself and in order to heal I think I have to - I don't know what but do something other than rest.  So anyway that's that.  My boob feels better and I feel better.  Next week will be scary but I just have to do it that's it.  Okay I am going to go shower.  Love you Bluebie bye. 

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Anxiety Times A Billion.

Should I have said "Anxiety x A Billion?"  MAYBE!!!!!!  Now I can be anxious ABOUT THAT.  I am mother fucking terrified for tomorrow.  They cancelled my surgery for today.  After I went to the "training" course or whatever the fuck it was - teaching me about how the surgery is going to go and how I MIGHT DIE under anesthesia - the doctor came back from the hospital and told me I need more tests done.  So they are doing another 2 biopsies tomorrow - one in each breast guided by the mammogram.  I am so mother fucking completely scared out of my mind.  I was less scared for the surgery and I was SO SCARED about that.  It just hurt so badly last time.  I'm not sure how to do this.  I just took some Tylenol to see if maybe that will help beforehand.  My one boob still hurts - okay it doesn't "hurt" but it's still a little sore from the last fucking biopsy so I'm so scared for another one on top of it.  I don't know - should I ask them to do the one that might hurt less first?  Or save the best for last?  OH MY GOD.  How am I going to get the balls to do this?  They just aren't 100% sure of what is going on in my breast and they need more of a road map - I get it.  I don't totally get it but I get it.  And listen - even if I decided to go with an ALL NATURAL treatment - I would still need to know what's in there.  I'm not - I mean I can't.  How am I going to do this?  I'm just going to do it.  I'm going to ask them to numb my breast before they squash it into that mammogram - that's it.  Also I don't even know where they are doing the biopsies - maybe that will help.  Pray.  I'm going to pray.  I'm going to pray real hard.  Get on my mother fucking knees.  Ask those doctors to be the hands of God.  The gentle, loving hands of God.  In my mind - not out loud.  I AM WORRIED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!!!  How is that possible?  It's okay.  I'm utterly exhausted.  Big, big virtual hug.  Bye.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Concentration and The Inner Ear.

There it is.  Concentrate.  I keep seeing this word pop out at me everyday when I look at that bottle.  The Snake Doctor gave it to me to take 3 times a day.  That's not the point.  the point is that I think I'm supposed to concentrate.  Focus.  Concentrate on healing - on being in myself.  In my body in a healing way?  I have no idea really I just know I am supposed to concentrate.  I am trying.  Yesterday was my anniversary and the guy and I had a lovely day.  Oh update on his ex - he couldn't have her arrested because they didn't have whatever papers they needed in the computer.  So what was good is that he wouldn't have know that, unless that happened on Saturday and he went to the police.  There's other stuff but I don't want to write about it right now.  I need to concentrate.  Focus and concentrate.  Oh man - it's so hard to do.  When I was meditating this morning to the Oprah/Deepak meditation I believe he said it's not hard to focus in meditation.  If you are using a mantra?  Something like that.  Ha!  That's why I have to listen to things over & over again - I just can't hear stuff sometimes.  Anyway about the Inner Ear........

I went to the doctor on Thursday - the primary care physician for my pre-op appointment.  I was sitting on that table waiting for the doctor and looking at a poster of the inner ear.  It also had the outer ear but the focus of the picture was the inner ear - right?  Well I was looking at it and then I really looked it.  It's like a symphony of stuff going on in the inner ear!  Twirls and turns - gadgets and - STUFF.  I am trying to be flowery in my language and it's not working.  It doesn't matter - what matters is that the design of the inner ear is AMAZING.  I was really blown away - I got lost in the design - I was like holy shit look at that!  Then all of a sudden I thought "How could someone look at that and not believe in God?"  That's it.  I was like that can't have been designed by mistake.  I don't know.  I always get it when someone doesn't believe in God - always.  But for me it's moments like that - that I really do believe.  I don't know what that means. I don't understand anything....but for some reason that fucking inner ear picture helped me and made me think there is a higher power - higher powers - something and it just made me feel more love.  I don't know - this probably doesn't make sense and it doesn't matter.  I'm so scared.  Now not so much about the surgery but about what they are going to find and what I will need done after.  Oh that's weird actually that I wrote I can't hear stuff sometimes and then I talked about my Inner Ear God Moment.  Hahahaa.  Christ.  Drama.  Okay I need and want to get on the treadmill.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

This again....

Well - omg can you even believe it?  I am going to write about his ex again.  Last week she called him - wait did I write about this?  I can't remember and I doesn't matter.  All that matters is twice now she has violated the order of protection and then today when we were sitting in an Alanon meeting she walked in.  I look at the guy and he has his eyes shut so I elbowed him because I am still not sure what she looks like - although now I'm pretty positive it's her and I Say "Is that your ex!?"  He says yes and gets up and I am like oh we are leaving and we leave right like that right?  We walk outside and I hear the door open behind us and I think that can't possibly be her right?  I turn around and IT'S HER.  I was like oh my God!  She's following us!  So he says something and I say no we are getting in the car.  I want zero confrontation.  Plus I am scared at this point - I mean what a fucking lunatic.  She has a full order of protection and follows us out!  Just like that - she didn't give a fuck!  We get in the car and he pulls out and she was gone - she must have gone back into the meeting.  Now I am at home and I don't feel well.  I already didn't feel good - I have been fighting this cold and that just knocked me down.  He is now at the police station trying to figure out what to do.  I mean I have SURGERY on Thursday but this woman needs to go to jail now.  It's okay that she somehow "ran" into us at a meeting she has never been to before or at least that I have known of - right?  But she fucking FOLLOWED US OUT.  Does any of this make sense?  Anyway.  I don't feel good now.  I felt a little better this morning but after that - not so much.  We have gone to that meeting for over 2 years and have never seen her there.  Do you know how I even recognized her?  She was wearing the same fucking outfit I saw her in a month and a half ago - at that woman's meeting where I took a picture of her car.  Isn't that so fucking bizarre?  I saw the shirt and pants as she walked by and was like oh that's odd - then she flipped her hair like she did in that ladies meeting and I was like WHOA holy fuck.  We were sitting in front of the door she walked in and there is at least 5-8 feet before she passed our chairs so she had to see him.  But she just marched right in that meeting anyway then as soon as we left she was like oh wait for me!  Let's talk this out!  Or whatever bullshit was going through her head.  How am I supposed to heal right now?  I need to get myself ready for this surgery and this woman is fucking nuts.  He just called and he has to go to a different police station.  Whatever at least he's going.  This woman does not deserve any more chances.  But also - there but for the grace of God go I.  I was a fucking LUNATIC when I was using and I still would be without the program.  Programs!  I have no idea why she can not just back off - does she have a brain tumor?  Is she on something hardcore?  I can't explain how bizarre it was to see that same outfit.  Does she only have one Summer outfit?  It's also 55 degrees today so it's not exactly Summer outfit weather.  Is this just the perfect distraction?  No.  It's scary.  She's nuts and she doesn't give a flying fuck.  She has been in Alanon for years - she knows he's in Alanon and I have never seen her at meetings until the last 2 months.  She lives in a completely different area.  She is trying to see us.  Okay, him.  Whatever - I just wanted to write this down so that there is a paper trail.  Once again Barbara Driscoll has created havoc.  If there was a full order of protection against me for someone and I saw them in a meeting I would - well first of all I wouldn't go anywhere near where I thought I might seen them.  She was not even the tiniest bit scared and that's what's fucking scary.  Fuck you Barbara Driscoll - you completely suck.  That being said I'm sorry you are suffering.  It sucks to be obsessed and not be able to control yourself - it really does.  I have been there (not like this) and not with the law involved or orders of protection - you have certainly taken it to another level BUT I do have compassion for you.  That being said - go fuck yourself one more time. 

Friday, September 1, 2017

I lost 20 pounds.

Not because of the cancer!  I have to start calling it circumstance again - or something else.  Barf.  I went to my pre-op appointment yesterday - they changed my surgery date to next week and had to rush to that appointment and the lady weighed me right?  She said oh you lost weight!  I had been there in the Winter or very early Spring I don't remember.  Anyway she sounded so surprised and I said oh how much did I weight and it was 20 POUNDS MORE THAN I WEIGH NOW.  Yikes.  I do not even remember that.  I blocked that shit out completely.  Anyway so I guess the diets have been working.  But of course they have!  I ate so horribly and at least twice a week I ate some version of cheddar burgers with French fries and mayonnaise - YUM.  Yikes.  Anyway.  Now I am not doing that but I am still eating yummy food why am I talking about this?  I am so, so, so very fucking scared for this surgery.  Scared to go under.  TERRIFIED.  Okay that being said I am so fucking grateful they changed the date.  Things are way better with the guy after 2 very long uncomfortable talks.  I have said it a million times I can not understand how anyone can be in a polyamorous relationship.  I absolutely and positively could not take as much time as you need to talk to someone you are in a close relationship that fucking much.  NO WAY.  No thanks.  I get the sex - I GET IT.  I just could not talk to that many people.  I just couldn't!  Why am I saying this?  No one is asking me to be in an open relationship!  My point I think is that it takes so much talking to be a healthy relationship - at least for me.  For us.  Anyway I think I am just avoiding getting on the treadmill.  It's my anniversary in 2 days.  8 years.  If I never got sober I would have never started to write on here and I certainly wouldn't have gone to the doctor for my regular check-up.  I guess the scary part is that I don't really know what is going to happen until they operate.  Also the radiation.  The pain.  Looking different.  How to stay healthy so it doesn't come back.  This is surreal.  What a crazy fucking thing. It also seems like it was always going to happen.  I don't even know what I mean by that but it does.  Maybe I am still in denial and shock I don't know.  I'm just glad I don't have PMS right now and I won't for the surgery.  Okay.  Love you Bluebie.