Thursday, September 7, 2017

Anxiety Times A Billion.

Should I have said "Anxiety x A Billion?"  MAYBE!!!!!!  Now I can be anxious ABOUT THAT.  I am mother fucking terrified for tomorrow.  They cancelled my surgery for today.  After I went to the "training" course or whatever the fuck it was - teaching me about how the surgery is going to go and how I MIGHT DIE under anesthesia - the doctor came back from the hospital and told me I need more tests done.  So they are doing another 2 biopsies tomorrow - one in each breast guided by the mammogram.  I am so mother fucking completely scared out of my mind.  I was less scared for the surgery and I was SO SCARED about that.  It just hurt so badly last time.  I'm not sure how to do this.  I just took some Tylenol to see if maybe that will help beforehand.  My one boob still hurts - okay it doesn't "hurt" but it's still a little sore from the last fucking biopsy so I'm so scared for another one on top of it.  I don't know - should I ask them to do the one that might hurt less first?  Or save the best for last?  OH MY GOD.  How am I going to get the balls to do this?  They just aren't 100% sure of what is going on in my breast and they need more of a road map - I get it.  I don't totally get it but I get it.  And listen - even if I decided to go with an ALL NATURAL treatment - I would still need to know what's in there.  I'm not - I mean I can't.  How am I going to do this?  I'm just going to do it.  I'm going to ask them to numb my breast before they squash it into that mammogram - that's it.  Also I don't even know where they are doing the biopsies - maybe that will help.  Pray.  I'm going to pray.  I'm going to pray real hard.  Get on my mother fucking knees.  Ask those doctors to be the hands of God.  The gentle, loving hands of God.  In my mind - not out loud.  I AM WORRIED ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS!!!  How is that possible?  It's okay.  I'm utterly exhausted.  Big, big virtual hug.  Bye.

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