Saturday, September 23, 2017
It's sunny out today. I woke up early to go to my ladies meeting and then while I was eating my toast I realized I was never going to make it in time. I just also couldn't go. I need to go to a meeting where everyone doesn't know what is happening. I can't answer anymore questions. I feel so anxious. The mornings are definitely a very anxious time. I'm way over-stimulated. Anyway I just wrote in my journal and now I am writing in here. On here? Through here? I am so fucking scared. If I thought stage fright caused my fight or flight to kick in it is NOTHING compared to this. This is like full on fight or flight. Actually it feels like flight flight flight. Holy fuck. I'm like high off of it actually. Anyway I have things to do and food to cook. I think I will feel better once I get out of the house and run some errands. I'm scared about what my body is going to look like but oh you know what I just realized? I have all these booklets they gave me - all this stuff to read. I will read that stuff. I just want to be able to dance again. Holy shit. This is the craziest challenge and honestly I don't know if I can do it. Yesterday I was really freaking out - I mean honestly and truly I was like I can not fucking do this. It got better as the day went on - I got organized and I have no idea what - it shifted. Now it's back. Okay I guess it's waves and it's so gross. Maybe I should meditate a few minutes again. It was really hard this morning - I could barely focus. Yeah I am going to do that. Everyone keeps saying to turn it over. Just breathe and turn it over. All of it. Everything. I don't know if they said that but I'm saying that. Yeah okay I'm going to take a few minutes. I feel like there is something I should do but I just don't know what it is. How could I possibly know how to get ready for something like this? Okay love you Bluebie bye.