Ugh.

I am okay - I just have to say but I'm in pain.  The biopsy I had today did not hurt until later and then and now it hurts a lot.  But I'm okay - I'm just tired and my life has just - stopped.  I go to meetings and go help the kids with their homework but I am not creative at all.  Oh I am feeling sorry for myself!  Just realized.  Also I reached out to that fucking acting teacher of mine - the hot one....the hot one who gives mixed messages, sometimes communicates, sometimes doesn't and straight up has always been confusing?  That guy?  For some sick reason I sent him a totally innocuous message about me having some health issues and how I should be better by November.  I then waited all day for a response and WHY?  I didn't ask for anything and I certainly didn't say "Hey - I have breast cancer and I feel vulnerable....can you feel sorry for me and give me some sort of validation?  Thank you!"  So what the fuck did I want?  I do this and have done it for years.  Go to these people who don't have much to give, are self-centered and confusing in their communication (ie hot and cold) and just KEEP TRYING TO GET THEM TO MAKE MY CHILDHOOD FEEL BETTER.  Holy fucking barfness.  And guess what?  I deserve better.  I AM A REALLY NICE PERSON AND FRIEND.  AND I AM FUCKING FUNNY AND TALENTED.  I deserve better that's it.  I wish I could suck that stupid email out of the ether the way they sucked that stuff out of my boob today in the biopsy.  I'm sure I will do it again and who cares?  I'm a human being and this is one of my flaws.  But who gives a fuck?  SOME PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE AND EAT THEM.  Or some people - like Barbara Driscoll - stalk people and just act like a completely batshit crazy annoying make up their own rules nutcases.  So I keep asking people who have made it clear to me that - what?  That things aren't clear and they don't have anything to give.  Or only once in awhile and I never really know when that is.  Wow - I'm angry.  Am I angry at myself?  I hope not.  I think for once I'm not.  Do you know why?  Because people play mind games and are not responsible with their actions and behaviors.  Ugh anyway it's the repetition compulsion.  I just can't stand how I feel sometimes and I want that one person to make me feel better.  Well they never do.  Guess what?  For the few minutes I typed this my boob didn't hurt or I didn't notice it.  Okay gotta go watch New Girl.  No maybe I need to switch to 30 Rock.  Somehow that show is more realistic.  Holy shit I just took off my shirt and I had bled through my bra and the bandage.  My poor boobs.  It's okay.  Why do I keep saying that?  Because it is.  Jesus.