Sunday, September 10, 2017
Wow - that's a lot of days. Or not I don't know. At this moment it seems like a lot of days! Okay well I only made it through one biopsy - I was so out of my mind with anxiety that even though it didn't hurt I just couldn't do the other boob. The other boob was the boob that hurt last time and I was DONE. I was shaking and crying. Haha I am laughing saying that because it didn't hurt - it was uncomfortable but I was just so terrified. I did bleed a lot. I mean A LOT. Blood was spurting out of my boob and the nurse asked me if I had trouble clotting. It was probably because my blood pressure was at a million over a million with anxiety. Needless to say I have now cut back on coffee. I don't think that was helping any. Anyway I think probably what they biopsied is also going to be not good but it's in the same area as the other stuff. Then next week I do the other side. It's okay. I just have to do it. I don't even want to write about it anymore - it just has to be done. Okay so now this is what I did yesterday and I'm not sure why I need to write this but for some reason I do. I woke up yesterday and was super out of it. I got myself together and went to my ladies meeting right? I went to see the guy at his office and came home - I was so out of it I felt like I was tripping kind of - really in my head and just so so tired. So I came back here and just sat on the couch, rested, drank tea, meditated twice, wrote a tiny bit in my journal and just - talked to people on the phone an rested. the guy came home and we made dinner and watched like 5 episodes of 30 Rock. That was it - went to bed early and woke up today feeling so much better. It is the craziest thing. I guess I took care of myself but it is so fucking counter-intuitive to me I can't even tell you. I am just hard-wired to be hard on myself and in order to heal I think I have to - I don't know what but do something other than rest. So anyway that's that. My boob feels better and I feel better. Next week will be scary but I just have to do it that's it. Okay I am going to go shower. Love you Bluebie bye.