Day 2929

Wow - that's a lot of days.  Or not I don't know.  At this moment it seems like a lot of days!  Okay well I only made it through one biopsy - I was so out of my mind with anxiety that even though it didn't hurt I just couldn't do the other boob.  The other boob was the boob that hurt last time and I was DONE.  I was shaking and crying.  Haha I am laughing saying that because it didn't hurt - it was uncomfortable but I was just so terrified.  I did bleed a lot.  I mean A LOT.  Blood was spurting out of my boob and the nurse asked me if I had trouble clotting.  It was probably because my blood pressure was at a million over a million with anxiety.  Needless to say I have now cut back on coffee.  I don't think that was helping any.  Anyway I think probably what they biopsied is also going to be not good but it's in the same area as the other stuff.  Then next week I do the other side.  It's okay.  I just have to do it.  I don't even want to write about it anymore - it just has to be done.  Okay so now this is what I did yesterday and I'm not sure why I need to write this but for some reason I do.  I woke up yesterday and was super out of it.  I got myself together and went to my ladies meeting right?  I went to see the guy at his office and came home - I was so out of it I felt like I was tripping kind of - really in my head and just so so tired.  So I came back here and just sat on the couch, rested, drank tea, meditated twice, wrote a tiny bit in my journal and just - talked to people on the phone an rested.  the guy came home and we made dinner and watched like 5 episodes of 30 Rock.  That was it - went to bed early and woke up today feeling so much better.  It is the craziest thing.  I guess I took care of myself but it is so fucking counter-intuitive to me I can't even tell you.  I am just hard-wired to be hard on myself and in order to heal I think I have to - I don't know what but do something other than rest.  So anyway that's that.  My boob feels better and I feel better.  Next week will be scary but I just have to do it that's it.  Okay I am going to go shower.  Love you Bluebie bye.