Friday, September 1, 2017

I lost 20 pounds.

Not because of the cancer!  I have to start calling it circumstance again - or something else.  Barf.  I went to my pre-op appointment yesterday - they changed my surgery date to next week and had to rush to that appointment and the lady weighed me right?  She said oh you lost weight!  I had been there in the Winter or very early Spring I don't remember.  Anyway she sounded so surprised and I said oh how much did I weight and it was 20 POUNDS MORE THAN I WEIGH NOW.  Yikes.  I do not even remember that.  I blocked that shit out completely.  Anyway so I guess the diets have been working.  But of course they have!  I ate so horribly and at least twice a week I ate some version of cheddar burgers with French fries and mayonnaise - YUM.  Yikes.  Anyway.  Now I am not doing that but I am still eating yummy food why am I talking about this?  I am so, so, so very fucking scared for this surgery.  Scared to go under.  TERRIFIED.  Okay that being said I am so fucking grateful they changed the date.  Things are way better with the guy after 2 very long uncomfortable talks.  I have said it a million times I can not understand how anyone can be in a polyamorous relationship.  I absolutely and positively could not take as much time as you need to talk to someone you are in a close relationship that fucking much.  NO WAY.  No thanks.  I get the sex - I GET IT.  I just could not talk to that many people.  I just couldn't!  Why am I saying this?  No one is asking me to be in an open relationship!  My point I think is that it takes so much talking to be a healthy relationship - at least for me.  For us.  Anyway I think I am just avoiding getting on the treadmill.  It's my anniversary in 2 days.  8 years.  If I never got sober I would have never started to write on here and I certainly wouldn't have gone to the doctor for my regular check-up.  I guess the scary part is that I don't really know what is going to happen until they operate.  Also the radiation.  The pain.  Looking different.  How to stay healthy so it doesn't come back.  This is surreal.  What a crazy fucking thing. It also seems like it was always going to happen.  I don't even know what I mean by that but it does.  Maybe I am still in denial and shock I don't know.  I'm just glad I don't have PMS right now and I won't for the surgery.  Okay.  Love you Bluebie.

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