Friday, September 1, 2017
I lost 20 pounds.
Not because of the cancer! I have to start calling it circumstance again - or something else. Barf. I went to my pre-op appointment yesterday - they changed my surgery date to next week and had to rush to that appointment and the lady weighed me right? She said oh you lost weight! I had been there in the Winter or very early Spring I don't remember. Anyway she sounded so surprised and I said oh how much did I weight and it was 20 POUNDS MORE THAN I WEIGH NOW. Yikes. I do not even remember that. I blocked that shit out completely. Anyway so I guess the diets have been working. But of course they have! I ate so horribly and at least twice a week I ate some version of cheddar burgers with French fries and mayonnaise - YUM. Yikes. Anyway. Now I am not doing that but I am still eating yummy food why am I talking about this? I am so, so, so very fucking scared for this surgery. Scared to go under. TERRIFIED. Okay that being said I am so fucking grateful they changed the date. Things are way better with the guy after 2 very long uncomfortable talks. I have said it a million times I can not understand how anyone can be in a polyamorous relationship. I absolutely and positively could not take as much time as you need to talk to someone you are in a close relationship that fucking much. NO WAY. No thanks. I get the sex - I GET IT. I just could not talk to that many people. I just couldn't! Why am I saying this? No one is asking me to be in an open relationship! My point I think is that it takes so much talking to be a healthy relationship - at least for me. For us. Anyway I think I am just avoiding getting on the treadmill. It's my anniversary in 2 days. 8 years. If I never got sober I would have never started to write on here and I certainly wouldn't have gone to the doctor for my regular check-up. I guess the scary part is that I don't really know what is going to happen until they operate. Also the radiation. The pain. Looking different. How to stay healthy so it doesn't come back. This is surreal. What a crazy fucking thing. It also seems like it was always going to happen. I don't even know what I mean by that but it does. Maybe I am still in denial and shock I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have PMS right now and I won't for the surgery. Okay. Love you Bluebie.