The Core of Me.

Well here I am at the end of this blog.  It's a little bittersweet because I am not sure I would have done it if they hadn't changed the format, which then made it so difficult (for me!) to use but well - I think it's probably time anyway.  I just went and looked at my first post from May 11th, 2010.  I'm a lot, a lot - a LOT healthier now.  I'm a lot happier.  I have a life that I can manage and when I can't I have so many tools and people who can help me.  Today I am struggling - I didn't sleep well and I woke up super early.  But I did something that I was never able to do - even years into recovery.....

I took care of myself.  I went for a jog and I prayed & meditated before that.  I cooked some healthy food, did the dishes and then took a shower.  I have stuck to my schedule for the day.  Now I'm having some tea and I'm allowing myself some closure by posting this.  And now - I feel better.  Amazing.  I didn't have to drink or do drugs for me to feel better.  I just took care of myself and eventually the feelings shifted. 

I don't have the room in my heart (anymore!) to be angry about this site changing and honestly I have other projects to work on.  And maybe it's just enough.  This has helped me so much.  I needed someplace to put all my thoughts, anger, fears, hopes and dreams.  I needed a place to be creative while I struggled with rebuilding my creative life.  

So.

So here I am graduating myself from my secret blog that maybe 2 people read.  And to you 2 people - thank you!  From the bottom of my heart.  May your life be blessed with whatever creativity you need and want and if you need recovery like me - I hope you get it.  It's a beautiful program and for today - GOD - just today!  I am going to work it.  

Also thank you to this site for giving me a place to put my words, love and angst.  I guess some of us need to write our way through life and I am grateful to have had a place to put this decade long chapter.   

I'm crying!  But it's okay.  Love you SO MUCH Bluebie!  Bye.

PS - Jesus I almost forgot - what's so crazy is that lately I feel like - I think because I have been home so much, meditating more and really being with myself...I have gotten to the core of myself.  The stuff that all the drugs, alcohol, anger, food and busyness covered up.  And I feel like I am really untangling it.  So really there isn't more to say anyway.  I am at a part that I can't write about anyway.  I need to meditate and do the work.  Help others.  Help others!?  Ew.  I'm kidding!  Okay bye bye - biggest hug - xoxoxo

Fuck Me.

Well I guess somehow it's not working now and I have to use the same blog thing as everyone else. Ugh It's such a bummer. I do not feel good today and this is making me so sad. What else can I say. Maybe I should just actually let this go now. I could start a new one somehere else? I will let you know where it is - love you Bluebie bye.

The Good News Is That I Shower More

Now.  I never used to take showers.  I always thought it was because I felt vulnerable when I was naked and cold trying to warm up in the shower....but I think it was just my inability to parent myself well.  So anyway I don't feel well today but I took a shower and put on clean clothes.  I even put on mascara!  And you know what?  I might not feel well but if I was in dirty clothes with dirty hair - I would feel worse.  Is it possible I don't need to take so many showers now?  That maybe none of us do?  I don't know.  All I do know is now that I take a shower everyday, I wake up and look at myself and I think "How the fuck did I not take showers all the time before this?  I LOOK FUCKING NUTS."  I mean I just got up - put on some clothes and fucking got high and REFUSED to do more than that.  Out the door I would go with an angry bun on my head and face the day high as fuck and miserable as fuck too.  Lord.  LORD.  So anyway yeah - I don't feel great today but I have taken care of myself, ran some errands, and took care of myself in a lot of other ways.  I am feeling the void of so many changes in my life - I really am - but what can I do?  I closed a lot of doors so some other ones would open and they haven't opened yet.  Maybe they never will!  But I couldn't stay in those other rooms anymore and that, is mother-fucking that. 

Okay byeeee.

Day 2 of MY BRAND NEW LIFE and everything feels the same

Hmmmm.  Suspicious. 

If you want to know a crazy person - go to any AA meeting and talk to an alcoholic who is in major transition in their life because they will be BONKERS.  Listen I am nuts right now and the world is also INSANE so it is compounded somewhat - my nustsoness.  However my thoughts are - well - just old.

They are just old thoughts, old "tapes" as they say.  It's nothing new - I just haven't had a lot of them for awhile so I forgot how uncomfortable it feels to have them and how SUDDUCTIVE they are - holy fuck.  It's like my brain thinks these thoughts are the most intriguing and FASCINATING thoughts to think.  My brain is like "Get in there!  Dig AROOUUUUUND - figure it out.  You can do it - go there - gooooo to those thoughts and memories and feelings and just BASK IN THEIR GLOW OF FUCKING miseryyyyyyy!  Eat it!  Eat the misery!  Dine on your fucking insanity!  Then GET DESSERT BY GOING ON SOCIAL MEDIA."

So I have decided to write on here instead.  I won't go looking and I won't get dessert.  I jogged today and I refuse to get ill or fat from dessert even though what I am talking about is really social media.

So.  So here I am on Day 2 of my brand new life and well wait - some stuff is different....for example - I took a shower today.  Everyday!  I also drank tea.  And I have still had only 1/3 the amount of coffee I used to have.  I have on clean clothes.  I am in my office - so I have been using my office - I come in here all the time!  I ate vegetables.  I ran errands and I asked my higher power for help.  I meditated.  I ate fruit.  Um - you know what?  This is enough.  I am going to take a time out and meditate again.  Center myself again and just - let go.  It's Friday.  I can get back to it all tomorrow and just exhale right now.  Enjoy this quieter time of evening.  Drop my shoulders and drink some more tea.

Love you Bluebie byeee.

Hola

Well it's a new month and I am wildly relieved for some reason.  I am really traveling on a new path now and I guess the new month makes it very - what's the word - concrete?  New month - new path.  New chapter.  It's got to happen right?  Well it doesn't have to happen but I want it to happen.  I want to move on.  It's sad and hard and uncomfortable and what else?  Lonely.  But I can take it.  I can take it especially because all those things are nothing compared to the abject pain of trying to do the same things over & over again with zero results.  It just feels like scratching for an itch and never getting to the itch.  Not only that, but the itch keeps getting worse!  Fuck me!  I will be lonely and uncomfortable for awhile it's okay.

I am being vague because I don't want to be so specific on here anymore.  This blog is now becoming for me what the programs are for me - spiritual.  Barf I know!  But it's true.  They are spiritual solutions and this blog is about what I am doing spiritually to stay sober, grow and help others.  I wrote that - "help others" and I wanted to vomit!  I mean not really but I did think "ew" in my own head.  So I have plenty of work to do still!  Ha.

Now I'm hot.  Is it hot in here what the fuck is happening.  I turned on the air.  I think it's just humid.  Oh maybe that's why my brain has been so foggy all day.  Um - this is thrilling what I am writing right now.

Um.....hmmmmmm......I'm just scared.  Scared to do this new thing and scared I won't keep myself on track.  Scared I won't be true to myself.  Scared I will be talking to someone who makes me feel like I am floating (in a bad way) and instead of politely excusing myself I will take a weekend trip with them or worse go to the mall and run errands with them.  But here's the truth...

IF I COULD STOP EATING MUFFINS ANGRILY IN MY CAR BY MYSELF THEN I CAN NOT GO TO THE MALL WITH A STRANGER WHO MAKES ME FEEL SICK AND REMINDS OF SOME PART OF MY CHILDHOOD THAT I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.

Okie dokie.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Kind

Well here I am again - unable to figure out how to be authentically kind, from a kind place inside myself for longer than 15-20 seconds.  I just start remembering "this" or "that" and think so myself "oh now you want me to be kind?  Oh so NOW I am supposed to show up for you when you couldn't even be blah blah blah."  Ew.  Ew so much.  Even writing that was uncomfortable and made me queasy.  I am at some sort of turning point because the resentments and anger are not working but it feels so unbearably impossible to be kind.  It's like I am holding onto for dear life, to my kindness!   It doesn't hurt me to be kind.  I don't have to do more than that.  I can just be kind.  I don't have to give more than I have to give.  Agh - what?

I'm getting lost.  I need to work on something and I think I am just getting distracted.  That's all.  I can be kind.  I can be kind first to myself and take care of myself and then give what kindness I have to give without hurting myself.  I believe it might be that simple.  It's a beautiful day today - just gorgeous.  I have taken really good care of myself.  And as I sit here on the couch I am grateful that I am not hung-over.  I'm not even hung-over emotionally and that is a beautiful thing.  I'm very anxious about this thing I need to work on and I am not quite sure how I am going to pull it off.  I will do my best - I can do my best.  I can put my heart into doing my best.  I will take care of myself and show up and do what I can.  I mean I can do what I can by doing my best - whatever that ends up being.  Lord I love a challenge!  I really, really love a challenge.  Okay let's get to this.  Wish me luck sweet blog - xoxoxo!

Friends With My Anger

My therapist told me to love my anger - to become friends with it. She said "Can't you just love your anger! Just looove it!"  Speaking of anger what the fuck is up with this new format??  It sucks my fucking balls.  Okay here we go - let's do this.  In honor of this wonderful woman who has worked with me for almost 20 years straight!  FUCK THIS STUPID FORMAT.  I am feeling a LOT of anger - my very, good close friend anger is here - she's such a cunt!  But I love her for it.  She doesn't give a flying fuuuuuuuck and she is here to say this new format and having to type sloooowly sucks the hugest hog of a cock and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I can't even do this - it's not working!  OMG Fuck this - I will hmmmmm - okay so it looks like this is the only option.  But now it seems to be working better.  How absolutely bizarre.  Okay so.  I don't know - I guess it all goes along with not being a victim - you know?  God - I lost all my oomph by getting angry and trying to figure out how to revert back to the old interface.  Well anyway - I will write more tomorrow - love you.

PS!  Omg - I guess I still have the other one - I somehow saved it.  I kept changing it back to this one so I think I get to keep it!  THIS HAS BEEN A VERY DRAMATIC BLOG POST FOR ME.  Okay so anyway bye.

Gratitude List

1. Food
2. Water
3. A place to sleep
4. An office to write in
5. My guy
6. My other guy
7. Just kidding!
8. That I don't have "other guys" anymore
9. Sunshine
10. Exercise
11. Cooking
12. Cookbooks
13. The www
14. Taking care of myself
15. All the tools I have now
16. Support
17. Books!
18. More food
19. Being my own parent
20. Being so much nicer to myself.

Bye! :)

Pooping Boots

I just sat down to write and then looked at boots for 15 minutes.  I found some beaaauuutiful boots!  Omg!  I want those boots!  I also want to poop.  Do you poop a lot?  I think I was poop shamed at some point because I literally hold on for dear life, to my poop. I mean as with so many things I didn't "know" I was but I am realizing it now.  I went and got body work done yesterday and she was like "if you need to go just go" because we were focusing on that issue.  Then I felt major movement and I was MORITIFIED.  Then I was like "oh hell no - I am not pooping in this tiny apartment!  No fucking way!"  And so I realized - I have poop shame.

Can you imagine a poor little baby ashamed of pooping?  It's just natural!  Who cares!  A sweet little dog?  I mean it's worse when they are big and it's BIG poop to pick up but who cares?

WHO THE FUCK POOP SHAMED ME???

I am ENRAGED about this. I am just a body, a human body that needs to eat, pee, poop, sleep and rest.  Also drink water.  And fuck - if I want to.  And whatever else I need to do.  WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK??  My sponsor said to me the other day that - wait did I say this already?  Let me look....no I didn't - she said I have an issue with the space I take up.  She said it very kindly!  And I know she's right.  I just have an issue EXISTING.  But also I want TO BE THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE.

Okay so those are my 2 issues - the 2 programs....I'm sorry I exist and I EXIST AND I WANT TO BE THE BEST AND GET THE MOST.  Also I love your shirt.  What? 

I'm guessing if I pooped something magical like handmade boots I wouldn't feel so ashamed.  Is that what happens for some people?  They can poop anywhere because they are like "Oh I am about to create something SO wonderful!  Here we go!" 

Well this must have helped me somehow because I sneezed a bunch of times and then I pooped.  Also she helped me!  God we humans need so much help.  Or at least I do.

Okay bye bye.

Detaching With Love?

Did you know that that was a thing?  Detaching with love?  I am a little tongue tied (finger tied?) over this right now....I mean I am practicing it.  I am taking care of myself and lovingly detaching from things.  But it's so hard to do!  My instincts want to detach with a "fuck you!"  Ugh.  Anyway turning stuff over to my higher power helps.  Meaning first turning things over then detaching with love.  I literally am not sure who I am anymore.  I have heard people talk about this shit for years but I had no idea - REALLY - what they were talking about and I certainly couldn't do it.  I am guessing I didn't even want to do it.  I love saying "fuck you!"  It's fun!  Only I was doing it on the inside and it was hurting me and I can't afford that anymore.  Um - also?  It's boring.  It's boring to just be enraged and clench my teeth.  Over it!

I am exhausted.  It has been a rough week.  I haven't slept very well.  I have had to talk myself into sleeping.  Saying "Let yourself rest, heal - just rest heal" over and over again.  Then I wake up and have to do it all over again.  It's okay I am practicing - just practicing, practicing practicing.  Ugh. 

Who knew it was so fucking hard to be kind!?  To myself first!?  Wait I just realized - if I am kind to myself first is it easier to be kind to others??

I sound like an idiot.  Oh well!  I'm fine with it.  How else do we figure this stuff out?  Do you know how many shitty plies I did before I did one that was right?  A LOT.  And now that I think about it "right" is a very bold word for me to use.  Wait - fuck that - I did a pretty fucking good plie. 

Okay bye.

Jogging Star!

It cooled off again and I went out to jog today and I was so psyched.  I was like "Finally!  It's cool and  I can just jog and jog!  I can let myself really - JOG FREELY and go go go!"  I have been jogging all through this heat and humidity and I even jogged while we were away and it was hot as fuck there too!  So I figured I was - what?  A jogging star!  I thought I was in some sort of great shape because I jogged in the humidity but went a much slower pace and a shorter distance.  Soooo - turns out that's not how that works.  I mean it was a lot less of a struggle to breathe today but my body was like "Girl!  You are not an Olympian!  What are you doing?"  So I made it farther than I have been but had to stop short of the 6-7 miles I thought I was going to do.  Okay I made it 3 miles.  That's pretty good!  Right?

Anyway it's just glorious to have it be a bit cooler - I can't even tell you.  Um - so.  So I don't really have much else to say today.  Working on myself and doing all the things to try to stay healthy.  Waiting patiently to be able to work more and well - I don't know.  Wait I do know.  Use my time to clean up the things I want to clean up (emotionally and in my physical environment) and write.  I am writing a lot more.  So that is good too.  Breathing. 

Love you Bluebie!

6:30 Coffee?

That didn't work out so great!  I was up until like 1:00 in the morning ugh.  Oh well - it was fun while I was drinking it.  Well I wish things were better in the world and in this country but it's still a shitshow.  It's hot as fuck and okay this isn't very positive.  I'm so in the hallway. 

I just need to be patient and pray for - patience.  We just went away for the weekend and it was so nice.  Was very weird traveling - we just drove but it was still super odd.  Quiet at the rest stops - everything closed. Masks. I keep turning things over to God.  My anxiety - my anxious thoughts.  The care of people I love. Their feelings and anxiety.  I know it's up to me - what happens inside me is up to me.  It's hard to trust.  It's hard to take care of myself, my inner life, while also being in the world - especially now.  I am continuing to practice.  If I stay sober one day at a time I have a chance.  And the more I work towards serenity the more I really have a chance.  It seems like I shouldn't want to be serene with everything that is going on but that's a mental trap and it's not true.

There is a way to stay informed and involved without hurting myself.  But first and foremost I have to take care of myself - or I can not help anyone or anything.  Or even figure out what it is I am meant to do on this earth.

Wooo.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

6:30 Coffee

It's dinner time but I am having coffee.  I have been so sleepy all day so I just went for more coffee.  I had a second cup earlier but I think it wasn't very strong.  Anyway - I am having coffee at 6:30 at night but believe it or not it feels like a good choice.  What's up!?  Hmmmmm - I will go first....

I am in between things.  Everything.  I have changed so many things in my life by stopping doing so many things.  So I don't have other things to go to - I just stopped doing the things that weren't healthy or working for me anymore and wow - is that - uncomfortable.  But - that's what's going on.  In other news I realized that I have lacked emotional sobriety all this time which is - HILARIOUS.  I mean ha!  Seriously!  Who the fuck knew?  I guess anyone who really got to know me.  I mean I wasn't behaving as badly or ridiculously as I did when I was drinking but I definitely - well - it's all been inside me.  I was only hurting myself.

I went outside this am to exercise and I was really able to see how the negative thoughts poison me.  The eating the muffin in my car "at" someone else poisons me.  I had no idea.  I have heard other people - many, many people say it over the years in meetings but I never really understood what they meant.  They would say "I am taking the poison trying to hurt someone else" and yes I GET it but I didn't really get it because muffins are DELICIOUS and they make you feel AMAZING even if it's only for 30 seconds until you (I) feel sick.  Ugh.  And the mental part I just didn't get at all.  It's my head - who cares if I am in a rage.  But my body cares!  My poor little body doesn't know that it isn't really happening - it FEELS like it's happening so it is.  All those hormones and fight or flight stuff happening.  The adrenaline!  God.  So much stress on my being.  Plus it's exhausting.  So anyway that's where I am at and the only thing that has really truly been helping?  Since it's so hard to control these thoughts?  They just COME AT ME - all day long.  The thing that has finally helped?

Turning it over to God. My higher power.  Today - all day - I put things in God's hands.  I said here you go God - please take it - I can't hold onto it or be responsible for it.  My sponsor has often said to me that my shoulders can't carry things for other people.  This was one of the few times that made sense to me.  When I finally asked God to take these thoughts and concerns and I put them in his hands - I felt relief.  Mind you - again - I have had to do it all day long with all sorts of things because my brain and my alcoholic mind wants to destroy me for some reason.  It is a miracle I have ever gotten anything done.  Seriously!  How in the WORLD did I manage to do anything with this FIGHT going on in my own head - a lot of the time?  Well I don't know - I had relief sometimes.  Distractions - work, books, shows - class.  It all helped get me out of my head and out of my own way enough for stuff to come through me sometimes.

Okay I have some other work to do - love you Bluebie bye.

Huh!

I have not written very much this year.  How odd.  I have been digging deep though - that's for sure.  And well - it happens.  I wrote other things and well - who the fuuuuck cares - am I right?  Okay so - I forgot what I was going to say.  Huh.

Well anyway I am having a nice day - I went for a nice long walk in the sunshine.  It has cooled off and the flowers, birds and fresh air did me good.  I am feeling better in general.  As I get a hold on my thoughts I am beginning to experience more freedom in my body.  I also am really paying close attention to the level of serenity I am allowing myself to have at any given point in the day.  It's a wonderful tool.  There are so many tools.  I have so many ways to help myself now and it really is empowering.  So.

So what the fuck is going to happen next?  Our world is at such a crucial point in time it seems.  Can we survive?  Can we change?  Can we adjust?  Can more people walk the road less traveled?  Take the path to the new frontier of spirituality and - health?  I don't know.  Jesus I wrote that and then I wanted McDonald's.  What the fuck is that??

Well one thing is for sure - things right now are - for me - going very slowly.  And that's okay.  I had no idea how much inner work I needed to do.  I had no idea how the negative thinking was effecting (affecting?) my usefulness as a (one small simple) person on this planet.  I also really, honestly and truly didn't realize - not taking care of myself is not helpful to ANYONE ELSE. And my mind is someplace that I am also responsible for.

So as they say (I think in the program?) - this is where the rubber meets the road because it is GROWN UP TIME.  Fuuuucking barf am I right?  Haha I am just kidding but wow.  Yeah.  Be kind and responsible - but for myself first.  In a healthy way.  Did you hear about that 14,000 year old puppy they found in the ice?  I guess 10 years ago but I just read about it now.  So wild.  So wild what this world has been and what it has gone through.  All the beings and people that have journeyed around it.  I was just going to sign off with some DRAMATIC statement about my sobriety but I think I will just say

Byyyeeeeeee!

Unlearned Helplessness

What would that be exactly?  Helping oneself?  Being proactive?  I don't even know.  All I know is I  have bottomed out once again on my learned helplessness and I need to UNlearn that shit now for real.  My sponsor says well - no she doesn't say this.  I say this is a character defect of mine.  Feeling helpless and stuck and feeling like a victim of other people's stuff (energy, feelings, addictions, alcoholism, negativity - whatever).

She says - that the only true way to get rid of a character defect is to beef up the asset part of the defect.  So my victim defect, my martyrdom defect, my feeling stuck and at the mercy of others has an asset.  What is it?  Okay let me think......

I don't know.  I must know!  I care about others?  I see and feel others.  I have a lot of energy it's just turned in the wrong direction.  Well I guess I have a lot of strength and passion?  I certainly have a lot of FEELINGS.  So I suppose the asset is that I am willing to do a lot - I am just doing the wrong things.  Especially because no one asked me to be a martyr to them.  If I have the strength to stop myself and ALL of my energy around people that make me feel like this - then I should be able to use all that same energy to detach.  Say what I need if I need to or just - detach.  MOVE on.  Move.  Just go somewhere else.  Good God - if I felt like figuring out the guy thing was impossible this feels even more so.  But it's okay. 

Just TURN that Ocean Liner around!  Slooooooowly.  I never ever thought I could make it through all that chemo.  It seemed fucking endless.  So I suppose this feels similar minus the intense nausea, fatigue and fear.  Although this does feel toxic so that's scary.  For my body.

You know what else my sponsor said?  She asked if I really want peace in my life - but she really asked.  Then she said I must since I pray and meditate.  But she said it like SHE REALLY WASNT SURE.  Ha.  Okay gotta go. 

Byyyeeeee!  

Let's Go!

My sponsor said to me that she had to - at a certain point - have sober thinking.  Jesus!  I have written about this SO MANY TIMES.  It feels even harder to do then stopping drinking and drugging.  To take control of my mind is the fucking MOST DIFFICULT thing to do.  Or at least it feels like it.  Some days are harder than others and today is a difficult day for it, for some reason.

I am all brain fogged and confused.  Part of it is the humidity which is hanging TIGHT and won't let go.  I can relate humidity!  I can relate.  Anyway it's that and who the fuck knows what else but I am very clumsy today and can't put my thoughts in a row.  Also negative.  I feel spacey & like - well oddly enough I feel like I am high.  Sort of high?  I am not high just to be perfectly clear!  Anyway I am doing all the things to take care of myself and at some point today my mind will clear.  I just keep taking it moment by moment.....when I start having an argument with someone in my head who isn't here I just say to myself "No no!  We don't have conversations with people who aren't here!"  Or if I start to remember something that happened 5 years ago or 10 years ago or last week that upset me I say "No no!  That's not helpful!  You don't have to think about that!  Breathe!  Be here now!"  It's like I am completely reconditioning this mind and IT'S SO MUCH FUN.  It's really fucking uncomfortable.

I am also waiting.  Waiting and waiting and waiting.  Waiting for that conversation so I can move on in a healthy way.  Waiting for the right moment to do that thing......Waiting to eat dinner till dinner time.  Waiting, waiting waiting.  Breathing, breathing breathing.  It's tedious.  It's the foot exercises part of dancing.  Tedious, a little boring and seemingly pointless.  But it's not pointless - it's technique.  It's the technique and the skill of being a real dancer.  But wow wow wow - the patience that is required to really gain skill is enormous.  Now I am trying to create a different life and the only way (as far as I can tell) that's really going to happen is if I create that different life with not only a different mindset but also with different tools.  It's the technique of living.  Wait what?  Does that make sense?  Yes.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  I can't just ACT differently - I also have to THINK differently and have a better attitude.  Agghhhhhh.  Shit fuck piss mother.  So uncomfortable.  I want to live!  I want the pain of life and a life lived well.  I will get on the other side of this - maybe - hopefully and it will be worth it.

I'm going to say cancer treatment was more uncomfortable than this so I can do THIS.  At least for today I can do this.  And that's all I have to do it for - today.

Bye!

91 Degrees Anal.

It's so fucking hot again.  I am in such a grumpy mood and it made me giggle a little to say anal.  Anal.  Anaaaaaaal.  Jesus.  It's hot and humid!  We got up at 6:00 am yesterday so we could go out and jog before it got to hot and I was still sweating over my entire body and I don't even sweat.  I mean it wasn't 6:00 when we went out it was later.  Ugh.  But it was early! 

I am so sleepy.  I went for a walk this am and well - the sun felt great - it feels so healthy and wonderful to get out there - but - it's hot.  Did I mention it's hot?  Okay I am just writing because I have set up a writing schedule for myself but I am so conflicted inside myself I don't know how to write something.

I'm just having feelings.  Angry feelings.  They are the correct feelings.  I know that they are and it's so nice that I can say that to myself.  But man - do I get stuck in my feelings.  Instant conflict inside myself as soon as I get a negative feeling.  Which is ironic since it makes it last 500 times longer - it really does.  Whoa - once again I am getting so tired writing on here.  I am going to lay down.

Love you Bluebie!

Well....

So I woke up today not feeling great and I am upset about some of my relationships and how they have always been what they are.  This is not rational and I am not sure why I am thinking about them at all - maybe a distraction?  I'm sure it's that but I am in this program that tells me to look at my part.  We (alcoholics) always have to look at our part because we think the world is happening TO us instead of just happening.  Also there is a thing called the "spiritual axiom" which says anytime we are upset it has something to do with us.  So - so I am sitting here ALL morning - okay wait not sitting - I got outside and exercised and I did my prayer & meditation - BUT - during all of it thinking about this one friend...and how they have half shown up for me - sometimes not - sometimes yes.  Was very sweet during cancer - which I was surprised about because this person can really be - not nice.  Not just to me - but everyone.  Which is part of what I have been realizing lately.  If the person is doing it to me - they are probably doing it to everyone.  But anyway this is what I really, really realized - ugh and this is so uncomfortable to write.  My part...

Is that - that is exactly what I wanted.  I wanted someone who was half showing up.  Because that's what I was doing.  And instead of looking at myself and seeing why this was okay with me - I was able to blame them for sucking.  I wasn't ready to look at myself or get up - from a place of POWER & LOVE and say - "Oh - oh I see - this how YOU are - this is YOUR behavior and YOUR character and it doesn't have anything to do with me.  I however am not okay with it and I am going to take care of MYSELF and get up and go somewhere else."  Because it is so very, very very uncomfortable to see I am not a victim.  This person isn't even a BAD PERSON.  They are just a person who was playing the exact role I put them in so that I could stay where I was.

Because it is painful to grow.  It fucking hurts!  But I can't go back now.  I am trudging this road to happy destiny so I need to LOOK AT MY PART.  Even though I DONT WANT TO. 

But I do.  And I will.  And I am.  And it hurts but life hurts.  Which pain do I want?  Pain of dying from alcoholism - whether I am drinking or not?  Or the pain of growth?  I guess today I chose growth.  Let this poor friend free from the unhealthy pattern that I only knew about anyway. HA.  This person is just doing their thing anyway.  I just popped in and out having yet another weird one-sided relationship with them.  Not always but a lot!  I wanted and needed something and that is such an unkind way to have a relationship.  Maybe that part is being hard on myself.  And anyway I love this person.  So once again - at least I don't tell people to go fuck themselves and Jesus!  This suuuuucks.  Growing up suuuuucks.  Except for the part where I am free.  Happy (getting joyous) and free.  At least I have a chance this way.  And so does the friendship with this person.  So I can let go of the unhealthy thing and see what grows in its place.

What a weird thing to realize.  That on some level it was exactly what I wanted.  Well good news!  I don't anymore!  I need nourishment now and A LOT of it.  In everyway.

Byeeeee.

Branches.

There was a hurricane the day before yesterday - you might know or have been somewhere where it was happening.  Tons of places without power or cable, trees and wires down everywhere - total shitshow.  Mother Nature was like fuuuuuck you.  So when I went outside to exercise yesterday I see branches EVERYWHERE.  And in the past I have always used branches as a means of symbolic hints towards what direction I am supposed to go in.  So for example when I got sober it was forks and I took that as meaning I was at a fork in the road - get sober or don't get sober and I chose to get sober.  Then over the years it's been more forks, or the fork ends but the path continues.  Earlier this year it was RIGHT TURN or LEFT TURN.  And I took some RIGHT TURNS and LEFT TURNS.  Changed shit UP.  Also for awhile not too long ago - last few weeks - broken branches.  Just pieces of branches broken on the ground.  To which it felt like - ending of relationships.  Or at least an absolute shift in the way the relationships have gone.  Okay so again I made 2 huge decisions and even though (Thank God!) I didn't do what I would have done in the past which is destroy these relationships - I did decide to move on from how I was participating in these things.  So then yesterday I go out there and there's just branches and trees down ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE!

And I was like "What the fuck does this mean?"  Just smashed branches, broken branches, huge pieces of tree trunk - TREES.  I was really struggling to figure out what in the good Lordy fuck it all meant.  I mean I don't have THAT many relationships to get out of or that would need to be destroyed like that for fuck's sake.  So I just kept motoring around the neighborhood and I suddenly got 2 ideas in my head.  One is that all the branches and stuff were like tangles in hair.  You know you lose a lot of hair when you get the tangles out.  So it's a cleaning out you know?  So I then realized this was a symbolic cleaning out for me but how?  Then I realized what it was!

Resentments.  All those branches are all the resentments I have kept swirling around in my head since the beginning of my sobriety and let's face it from before that too.  Oh Jesus - yes 100% form before that too.  I just got SO TIRED writing this.  I have to lay down.  Love you Bluebie!

My Phone Rang!

I was in the middle of writing this post when my phone rang and it was someone from the program that was having a bad day, and her call saved me.  I also was not having a good day and I was writing all about it here - the VERY important why's and how's of my day, blah blah blah and then she rang.  So we talked and I felt so much better.  I got out of myself - got out of my head.  Then I deleted everything I wrote because it was just - I don't know - I don't think it was authentic.  So then I called my sponsor, made lunch and now I feel much better.  I promised myself I would come back on here and write before I did a bunch of other things, get distracted and then get upset later that I didn't write.  So I am writing.

I didn't sleep well last night and I woke up at 5:30 so I still feel off & anxious - but - I am taking care of myself.  I had the craziest dream last night about climbing and jumping through this dome-like metal structure.  It was huge!  There was a man chasing me and I kept leaping from one metal piece to the other and some of them bent and dropped but then I would leap to a different piece.  I kept thinking while he was chasing me "I got this and you can't take this away from me!"  And then I was on this ladder formation piece of metal - it was like a gold/copper color - and it went flying doooooown and then to the side and I reached out and grabbed another part of the dome and in my head I was like "Fuck yeah!"  The man was chasing me from the ground though which is probably where part of my confidence came from - he wasn't even on the dome frame!  Honestly then the dream got really weird but I am going to spare you the details.

Bye!

Actress.

So right as the quarantine happened I started to panic about whether or not I would have enough books to read.  My library had closed and they weren't sure when they were going to reopen so I went to my local bookstore and bought a book.  I'm not exactly sure how long I thought one book was going to last me, but money was tight so I just bought one book.  I bought a book called "Actress."  I saw it advertised as a new book on the bookstores website and I called and got the last copy.  I was so excited!  I was like "Oh this is great - I am going to read this book and get re-inspired to be an actress!  My passion will be re-ignited and moved in a different direction!  I will become a different person and a different artist because of this book!"  That's not expecting too much from a book is it?  So - so the book was good!  Very good!  I was able to lose myself in it and I was pulled into the story.  But - of course there is a but right?

It's the story of a woman who becomes a STAR!  A true-blue, honest to goodness movie star and she is brilliant on stage and screen.  And she can sing!  But that's not what the book is about.  It's about her daughter and the relationship between the actress and her daughter, and the actress's death.  In fact I would say the whole book is about her daughter who is a writer and her feelings about her mother.  Her daughter who is a writer and who did not have one interest in being an actress.  Her daughter who loved her mother and the confusing relationship they had because her mother was FULL TIME DRAMA.  Anyway the book didn't inspire me one teeny, tiny bit to be an actress.  In fact the poor woman's life sounded horrible and weird and unhealthy.  It sounded like she needed a lot of help and didn't get the correct kind because she was a famous star and FULL TIME DRAMA so she somehow slipped through the cracks of the correct care she needed.  Ugh - God - it's not even a true story and that was hard to write.  However there was something that was so intriguing to me and really helped me so much from this book.

This is making me cry for some reason....but at the end of the book - the daughter says (at least this is my interpretation - it's an Irish writer and she uses terms and phrases I don't quite understand) "It's time to be getting on with it."  Meaning - again - I believe - life.  It's time to get on with it.  Live!  Not get over her mother - how do you get over that - ever?  But accept the sadness and move on.  Live on.  You know I don't think that's a direct quote and I have to go on with my own day but that's the gist of it.  And that really, really struck a chord with me.  Because that is honestly and truly how I want to move forward.  Agh - I am saying this oddly.  I feel very much that, that is what I am doing now as well.  I am moving on with it.  Or at least I am walking towards the road where I will begin to walk and the name of that road is "Moving On With It." 

Well so it wasn't quiet what I wanted from the book - in fact it wasn't what I wanted at all.  It was a bittersweet book to ready and I found it painful also.  BUT.  But nonetheless there was something absolutely freeing in her saying it was time to move on with it.  So I have been thinking about that for months & promised myself I would write about it and so I did.

Bye!

Blood.

More blood today (from my vagina) but went to doctor.  She said she thinks I ovulated and that my period MIGHT BE COMING BACK.  Okay so what's worse than suddenly going into menopause early because of chemo and having SO MANY side effects from it and finally starting to feel better? 

Getting your fucking period again.

 Okay let's breathe.  Let's take a breath because we don't really know - I have to go get an ultrasound but she didn't seem to think anything looked or felt crazy as far as she could tell but also - I need to have an ultrasound.  But also are you ready for this?  She said if I did ovulate I need to be very careful because I COULD GET PREGNANT.  I said "Holy fuck."  She said since it was a forced menopause my body might very well be bouncing back.  Which is great and also super upsetting because I am confused and scared of hormones.  She wanted to do bloodwork but I said no - I just really didn't want to do that today.  I have had so much poking, prodding, needles - tests - I don't know.  I wasn't prepared for that and she said it didn't matter anyway.  But it's still so scary.  Blood.  Ah - life.  Always a challenge.  I think - I mean I feel like I am okay.  When I got cancer I didn't feel well - I knew something was up - I had been dragging myself around for years. 

You know what?  I'm not doing this.  I'm going to be okay - that's it.  I have been taking such amazing, loving care of myself and I will continue to do that.  I love my body.  I love myself.  I will figure out the healthiest way to maneuver through this and it will be great.  Thank the good dear Lord I am in all these programs - haha - I just laughed when I wrote that.  I mean but really - I need all the fucking help I can get.  But also it's okay.  I got this.  This time I got this - we got this.  Me and my beautiful body & spirit - we got this.  My soul home - we got this.  I think they can actually figure out with the ultrasound how many eggs are up there?  Or if any eggs are up there?  So who knows - maybe this was just one last left-over egg that made a go for it.  Jesus.  Okay gotta go work on my other stuff I'm working on.  Another life chapter.  I have decide also that I am not doing comedy anymore.  I know it isn't really happening anyway but after meeting that hooker (who does standup) and then taking that road trip to Atlantic City where the hotel room was SO GROSS & now all of this?  I just don't think I am meant to do it.  I really don't.  I loved it and I learned so much, it's crazy.  But I am OVER IT.  I mean that though with a lighter tone - I'm over it!  It's not for me.  The wind is blowing in a different direction for this person right here.  Here's why....

Because you never jump out of the same hole twice.  It's done.  What I needed to learn from comedy I learned.  I was probably supposed to finishing learning it 15 years ago - or maybe 12 years ago?  I don't know.  But because I started and stopped and had to start all over again I had to relearn all of it and the relearn that I am not meant to BE A COMIC.  OKAY.  Okay.  Okaaaaaaaay.  It's okay.  Haha - what the fuck?  22 years later?  Well okay what are you going to do?  That's what happened!  But now I know it in my heart and I am setting myself free.  I mean okay but how RIDICULOUS is that?  "I am setting myself free from a career in something I was never really successful at - but here I go - out into the wild wild world!"  Wow - I'm so brave.  But that hole has been jumped out of and it is time to move the fuck on.

HA.  Bye.

Soul Glasses

Well I did it.  I said to someone something wasn't working for me.  I was kind and straight forward.  I said I was uncomfortable.  They - ignored me.  Ha!  Then I said again - this won't work for me.  They said (figuratively) "That not working for you isn't working for me.  I am buying shoes and need to focus on that."  Then - then the craziest thing happened.

The fog cleared.  My soul put on a new pair of glasses and I saw clearly.  I was able to have clarity and see.....

That this person is not going to change.  It doesn't matter what I say does or doesn't work for me - they do not care.  They are buying shoes and they don't have the capacity to hear my needs.  All of their focus and energy is on shoes.  And anyway they have never cared much about me or my feelings - I just never, ever fucking listened to that and I let it be okay.  Also I never recognized how weird it was that they needed to concentrate so much to buy shoes. 

Let me tell you what - growing in sobriety is fucking painful and this sucks.  But what else is there?  I must grow or I will die and I just simply and positively can not do that.  I want to live and I want so badly to be happy, joyous and free.  So even though this is such wildly uncomfortable territory and  I just didn't want yet another relationship to be this way I am doing the right thing.  Meaning the sober thing.  So even though a pair of shoes was more important than me - and who knows - maybe they are - I did not tell this person to go fuck themselves.  I said okay.  I spoke to my therapist, called my sponsor and talked to another alcoholic.  Just for today I won't drink or do drugs.  I will take care of myself to the best of my ability and I will pray again and meditate again.  Hopefully I will heal, grow and learn from this.

And most of all - and this is the hardest thing to do - I am not going to attack myself for this.  Or rather when I start to feel myself attacking myself I will stop and breathe.  And let myself slowly, do the next recovery thing I need to do for today.  That's what I've got - these programs.  I don't know how to do it any other way and I am so fucking grateful I finally found some help.

We Must Change.

That's what my sponsor said to me. She texted it actually but she said we learned survival skills and they no longer suit us and we deserve t be happy so we must change. OKAY. So what doe that mean really?

It's an inside job now for me and it's all about Alanon. The 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. Whatever that means - booze, drugs, food, shopping, feelings - ANYTHING that's someone else's is there's and my FEELINGS, thoughts, food, shopping - are all MY stuff.

I feel like I have been untangling myself from other people since I was born. Sorry I mean untangling form other people's "stuff." And right now at this moment I really just see how that's my problem. UGH THAT'S SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

Meanwhile my sponsor also told me I am addicted to negative thoughts. THANKS. She's not wrong because I spent ALL DAY yesterday trying to not have them and it was almost impossible. I finally had to take it one moment at a time - sort of like when I stopped drinking and drugging. I know I have talked before about being on this brain diet but now I see I HAVE to do it if I am going to survive. Which is also SO ANNOYING. But it's okay. It's OKAY. I can do this. And I want to do this.

The craziest part is realizing these different people I stopped talking to, because they were SO ADDICTED to their misery and negativity - not only was I (I think?) addicted to them and their misery but I was just addicted to my own negative thoughts about them and my own misery. Then I would eat a muffin in my car by myself and tell myself it was my boyfriend's fault. Growing up is fun. Taking responsibility for myself is fun. Being sarcastic is fun. This quarantine has been the greatest thing that could have ever happened to my and I am not even being a little sarcastic. I am able to face myself and my thoughts and my own shit and it is giving me SO much clarity. It's also WILDLY uncomfortable but I'm up for it. Fuck it - it's more interesting than being a fucking victim - I will tell you that right now. But also...

Next time I judge someone and put a label on them I am REALLY going to check myself and remember how plenty fucked up I still am & all the work I need to do. I can also remove myself way, way, WAY sooner form a situation so I don't have to be resentful that this poor soul is suffering. No on is suffering to make me feel badly.

I just literally said "Agh."

It's another tectonic plate shift.  Slowly, slowly moving this cruise ship around. I have to pee bye.

Practicing.

I'm practicing all the recovery tools. In both programs. Also remembering I need a third one. But before I can do that one I need to get my shit together a little bit with this daily schedule I have given myself, part of which involves WRITING. I am not feeling well. I don't know what is happening - I had some bleeding and that's not good when you are in menopause. So I have an appointment with the doctor - which was so very hard to get because of everythig going on. The girl said that the appointments are like "the hot new video game." Ha! So okay good I have an appointment but I am terrified. I am so scared they are going to want to do more surgery and I just can't fucking handle it. I am also just so hormonal and crying. Very much about not having children or a baby. Ugh we don't even have a dog. But I am not crying in my soul it's just a very physical thing - my body wants a baby or something. I have no idea - I guess that's why it's upsetting - I'm not really sure what's going on. Regardless I am taking very good care of myself and at some point things will shift. The worst part is the negative thinking. That and the arguing with people in my head who aren't here and who are not (probably) even thinking about me the way I think they might be. I have moved away from so many things and I feel guilty. Meanwhile - I don't really think anyone cares very much. But whether they do or don't - that's their stuff. I haven't gotten what I have needed in many ways in all of these situations and most of them made me feel badly - even if it took me awhile to realize it. So then it's very good that I finally took myself out of these situations. It's like I want a fucking parade. "You're moving on!? YAY. We don't like it but we are going to throw you a huge party and carry you around on a pillow!" I just realized something. Is this just all of huge distraction because I don't want to write more? Is this the kind of thing where you finally decide to jog on Monday and then Monday comes and you're like "I CAN'T - I HAVE TO PUT THE TRASH OUT AND I'M SO UPSET I SPILLED THE COFFEE GROUNDS SO I WILL HAVE TO TRY AGAIN NEXT YEAR." Then you cry about a panda video, soemthing from your childhood, eat a grilled cheese and feel better. Then you tell yourself it's not healthy to jog anyway. IS THAT WHAT IS HAPPENEING TO ME RIGHT NOW. I fucking LOVE to write I don't get it. Well okay - this felt productive but also not so much. But also yes. But also no. But also no. What? BUT ALSO YAAASSSSSSSSSS. Bye.

People Pleasing Is Trying To Kill Me.

Why is it even called people pleasing? It's literally "Trying to get people to love me in the most passive aggressive way possible even though it hurts me and never works." Okay obviously I am ANGRY. What's new right? It's different this time because I am mostly angry because I am not acting out on these charater defects - a huge one being people pleasing. But here's why I am REALLY angry. Ready?

Because I decided - I DECIDED NO MORE PEOPLLE PLEASING.

And GUESS WHAT? Not one person has changed. NOT ONE.

Becaaaaaaause that's not how it works. I change. AND I AM SO ANGRY. I am so fucking tired and HOT and annoyed. It's SO HARD to say no to people and it's so uncomfortable and also painful - to slowly change. I know - I really know there are much, much harder things to deal with but this feels like drinking to me and in a way it is because it hurts me so much. I don't know what else to say. I am shocked that I thought I would just make this decision and then everyone would start to behave differently. I mean I didn't consciously think that's what would happen but apparently I "thought" that's what was going to happen because when it happened today I was shocked by my reaction. Um - it's also hormonal.

Also they are literally paving the road ALL day right outside my window in my office and it's so loud. That doesn't have anything to do with people pleasing it's just annoying. I can also FEEL it - good LORD. I have to go. I love you and I am not blog pleasing I mean it. Byeee.

Nature Change

My guy always talks about how we need to change the nature of ourselves - wait no that's not it.  He says the nature of us has to change for true recovery from alcoholism.  And that happens with God's help.  Sorry - does that make you uncomfortable?  It always makes me uncomfortable when people talk about God.  It's easier when they say High Power.  Anyway the nature of me needs to change.  I am going to do the work I need to do today to the best of my ability to help make that happen.  I already prayed & meditated and now I am going to ask for more help from my therapist.  Then I will write, exercise and call my sponsor.  I just am seeing these relationships I have participated in & how dysfunctional it is - for me.  And it's my part.  I recently asked for things to be different, said I needed to move on - and guess what?  Nothing has changed.  Even the moving on has been stalled and drawn out.  I feel powerless.  And I am still angry & hurt.  But they have been exactly who they have been during all of these years.  Why do I do this to myself?  I don't know.  I know only one thing.  I don't want to drink.  And I don't want to participate in these relationships that hurt me anymore.  But this is the thing - again - I am the one who keeps going to these people expecting something different.  Fucking alanon.  So you see?  The nature of me needs to change and I need God's help.  Big time.  Because I can not fucking stay sober and continue to hurt myself like this.  It isn't sober behavior.  ANOTHER ONION LAYER.   Awesome.  I know it doesn't sound like it but this is a great opportunity.  Please help me Lord to take care of myself and trust during this transition.  I am so wildly uncomfortable.  Love you Bluebie.

Fear.

What am I so afraid of?  Why is it so hard for me to say I need to do something else even if that thing is nothing?  I don't know but I am.  It's an old, old feeling of being stuck & trapped.  It's very familiar, very familial and I really, really, really don't fucking like it.  That being said - it's okay.  I can do this because I - what?  I know what it is....it seems more challenging than I can handle.  It seems like I can't trust myself and I will just cave and say to myself "Oh well - this is better than nothing right?"  But it isn't better. 

I am working on the Traditions with my sponsor and we just did Tradition 2.  The traditions are what save these beautiful programs from the alcoholics and addicts.  So there's the steps for the alcoholics and the traditions for the programs.  It's amazing.  I am really enjoying learning the history of how they came about and learning more about the program in general.  It's utterly fascinating to me!  Anyway there is a saying this guy says at the end of the chapter about the tradition - he says "the good is the enemy of the best."  And I have heard this said many MANY times over the years and literally never understood what the fuck it meant.  Until Sunday when I re-read the chapter for the 10th time probably.  I have been in many meetings over the years where we read that chapter and not only did I not really CARE what it was saying I definitely blanked out every time that sentence was read - no clue - I HAD NO CLUE.

This is what it is saying (you might already know this!?  Maybe you read that and said "oh yeah!  Duh that's a thing people say!"  Or maybe - I don't fucking know what but I am going to explain it anyway)......

Good isn't the best.  If you are settling for "good enough" then you can't get the best.  Good is the enemy of the best because you can't strive for the best or be the best of you are like "Eh!  This is good - it's okay to be good right?"  I mean okay yes maybe there are some situations where good not only HAS to be okay and fine but that really is the best you are going to get.  But most of the time?  No.  Nope and fuck that.  I finally heard it and understood it. 

So yeah I am in something that is good.  Sometimes!  But not really.  And it is in the way of the best.  And I am afraid to move on.  Afraid of conflict.  Afraid to stick up for myself.  Afraid to say I deserve better than this and I want better than this for myself.  Afraid I can't be kind.  Afraid I will just cave & settle.  Yeah.  Growing.  Uncomfortable.  Challenging. Tedious. 

I'm going to meditate.  Love you Bluebie!

What Can I Do Today?

I don't feel well.  I am struggling with not being able to see my family and just the isolation.  The lack of creative outlets.  The noise!  I think every single house in this neighborhood is getting work done on it.  I mean honestly I am just struggling with my - self.  I am having unrest.  It's okay.  It's just as soon as I am angry I start to attack myself and then I am in trouble.  I have so many tools - so many!  So what can I do because I can't have this day wasted.  I don't have enough days to do that.  I appreciate and love my life and I want to honor it.  Such a difficult balance - to feel my feelings but not get trapped in them.  My friend - her cancer came back and she has to get a double mastectomy.  It's so terrifying.  It's making me feel sick.  She's so upset even though she is being so strong.  I feel awful for her.  I am going to make her some food.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can take care of myself.  I really can.  I can do this.  Please God help me to do this.  I'm going to do my celery juice right now and take a shower & that will help start my day right.  I can do this.  I can do this!  I can do this.

One Arm Tied Behind My Back

Well.  How do I say this?  I've heard so so many times in my life that I am in my own way and when I was little my teachers often said I wasn't living up to my potential (thanks).  I am not sure why they didn't think to ask WHY that might be but anyway.  So - so now here I am now, at this time in my life where I am home - a lot.  With myself, a lot.  I have been going even farther inside myself and sitting with my feelings - a lot.  I have come to realize that I have had one arm tied behind my back my whole fucking life and that's because I thought I was supposed to.  I got some message somewhere, sometime that I couldn't be, have or do what I wanted so I just stuck my arm back there and then continued to swim through life.  But here's the good news!  I know it. I feel it.  And I can change it if I want to.  And here's one of the greatest ways I know how, and am relearning just how to do that.

Meditation.

Isn't that just so simple, beautiful and amazing?  Duh.  The thing I have been doing and working on for decades I am relearning once again how simply powerful it is and I can do it for free 12 times a day if I want to.  So here's how I have come to this conclusion and it's also very simple.

I am reading "Becoming Supernatural" by Joe Dispenza.  In it he talks a lot about the science of what happens when we meditate and it is sooooo fascinating.  But what has stuck me as truly profound and I swear to GOD I have never heard it is that he says when we meditate we "get out of our own way."  OH.  OHHhhhhhHHHHhhhhhh! Oh.  OKAY.  Well that sounds good to me!  Then this morning when I was doing the new Deepak Chopra free meditation I heard him say the same thing!  He said when we meditate we "get out of our own way and then our healing system works better."  Okay you know that's not a direct quote but something like that.  He definitely said we get out of our own way. 

Mind blown.  God what a relief.  I am so fucking tired of struggling with myself I can't even tell you.  I guess I can tell you.  I suppose you might be tired of it yourself?  Anyway glory halleluiah - I feel like I am at least turned facing towards a better direction even if I am not fully on that road yet.  And this is what sobriety and the program tells us that we can have and be.  We can be happy, joyous and free.  It's a lot of mother-fucking work but honestly - it's worth it.

Love you Bluebie!

The Tao of Brad Pitt

Haha that made me laugh to write that title.  That being said I am straight up obsessed with Brad Pitt.  His acting.  I know!  It's so weird!  But he's AMAZING.  Anyway I am inspired and I don't even know why - well I DO but - ugh I am getting uncomfortable.  I feel like it's selfish to focus on Brad Pitt when the world is in such chaos.  Well whatever - I mean - he's really fucking talented and it is giving me great pleasure researching him and his body of work.  ANYWAY. 

You probably know all the things that are happening right?  It's a true time of change and I really, truly and honestly hope that it is a shift that continues for the light workers, truth seekers and I just got tired.  Yeah it's that time of day.  I need to meditate again.  I get all speedy and tired and the only thing that shifts it is meditating again.

I just wanted to write on here...check in.....my life and EVERYONE'S is so different.  What a truly bizarre time.  2 tiny little flowers grew from the old-ass flower mats!  They are so small!  Alright I should go and meditate and let myself exercise.  I am determined to continue to use my time here to take really good care of myself.  I am learning SO MUCH about food and what a fucked up relationship I had with it.  That's hard to write.  It wasn't as bad as my relationships with men but it certainly wasn't balanced.  But it's getting a lot better.  Being very low on funds, cooking and having extra time to do research is certainly helping.  A lot!  This time reminds me so much of growing up on the farm...all the time home and being really creative with whatever is around.  Being able to go so much more slowly and really enjoying the calmness of being in one place.  The ease of just being here.  Yeah - I mean this has been wildly uncomfortable at certain times but it has also been such a gift.  That being said my guy last night was like "NO I DON'T WANT TO SHARE MY SNACKS WITH YOU AND WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING AGAIN!??"  Um - ouch!  Totally hurt my feelings but also it was very funny.  But what the fuck!  It's not like I'm here because I refuse to LEAVE.  Jesus.  Haha - but again - OUCH.  Whatever - I have to go - love you.

Yesterday.

Yesterday was a very rough day.  I felt horrible and I was super triggered by something my guy said the night before and I just could not get out from under it.  I did all the things though...almost.  Meaning to take care of myself.  Ate healthy, drank lots of water, exercised, got outside for a walk, meditated twice, talked to my therapist, talked to another alcoholic and even spoke to my guy (kindly!) about what I was upset about.  But still - I felt horrible.  Recurring thoughts of the past that I can't change - just inside my head cutting myself with negativity.  Basically I was being attacked by alcoholism.  My head was telling me I suck and that I am chasing some insane dream and if
I was just thinner and I don't know - BLIEVED in myself more - I would be successful.  Isn't that so mean?  Anyway, finally my guy said I was being attacked by alcoholism and here are the 2 things I realized..

1. I didn't call my sponsor.  That's the one thing I didn't do and I believe she could have helped me to see much sooner that it was alcoholism just trying to get to me.  Not even trying - it WAS.

2.  I am addicted to negative thinking.  And the feelings that come with it.  Plain and simple.  It's so obvious to me today but for years I had no idea that was happening.  I get it now.  Which only means I am aware of it and now I have to trudge that road of healing it.  Asking God to help me with it?  Asking a lot of people to help me with it.  Okay.  FUN.

So anyway besides that today was a new day and I woke up feeling much better.  I was so, so, so so grateful that I didn't do anything to hurt myself yesterday and here's an amazing thing - really, honestly and truly and beautiful thing to come out of recovery - ready?

Even though I was so hurt by my guy - I didn't "do something at him."  Meaning eat a muffin or a pizza or whatever "at him."  I just do not want to participate in that kind of relationship and it literally only hurts me.  Jesus - do normal people have to do all this work?  Or even have to make a choice like that?  Well anyway I made healthy choices for myself even though I didn't feel good and I am grateful.  Holy fuck it's hot in my office I have to go.

Love you Bluebie!!

Old-Ass Flower Mats.

Before I moved in with the guy 5 years ago - 4.5 I guess really -  I bought these flower mats from Rite-Aid - maybe CVS - maybe the dollar store?  I don't know but I go them thinking I could roll them out and plant them in our little front but then the upstairs neighbor got there first.  She planted a bunch of things and then I got really busy and got cancer and forgot about the flower mats which I left under the sink.  Just to be clear they are a small pre-seeded mat that you plant (put on top of some dirt), water and plants grow.  Supposedly.  Well anyway since we had the time we got some window sill plastic boxes and decided to give these old-ass, expired flower mats a try.  We put them on the front porch and at the same time I got 2 new kits of flowers from CVS.  Little tiny pots with like 5 seeds of flowers in them each.  So we had a couple plants inside and these boxes outside.  Everything started to grow!  I also had some seeds from the tiny inside plants and put those in the boxes outside.  So then the craziest thing happened......the outdoor plants - the ones planted with the old-ass flower mats - started to grow HUGE and the indie ones were just drooping along.  I was like "Oh that's odd...but I am sure it will change?"  NOPE.  The old-ass flower mats were just growing and sprouting - along with the seeds I grew!  Green, tall, strong and well I don't know - I don't see any flowers anywhere yet but that's not my point.  Finally I was like forget it - we have to put these inside babies outside with their friends because they are dying and they need to be outside!  They will be heartier outside!  So we put them in that same dirt with the seeds and the old-ass flower mats and it's only been 3 days and they look 75% better.  So here's is the moral to the story...

GO OUTSIDE MORE.  We are plants too!  I have been watching those plants and it has made me get outside EVERYDAY.  Fuck that.  I don't want to be a droopy plant.  I didn't live through cancer and cancer treatment to be a droopy plant.  I want to be hearty.  I want to live.  So yeah - weird lesson from some old-ass flower mats and a couple flower pot kits from CVS.

But also.....

What the fuck is going on?  Everyone in my neighborhood had parties ALL WEEKEND.  I didn't see a lot of masks and I was like "Um did I miss a memo?  Is COVID over?"  Sooooooo - I am going outside ALL THE TIME and I am also - STILL BEING VERY CAREFUL.  Because I think we are going to be in for round 2 of this shit because people are just too fed up and aren't really being cautious enough.  Which I get.  But also - FUCK THAT TOO.  AND - and I am reading all the time about healthy eating and it looks like the healthiest way to be (I am sure I knew this and have gone into serious denial about it) is to not eat meat.  To be vegan!  HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO THAT?  I don't know - I haven't eaten dairy in months and I honestly never thought I could do that.  I mean NEVER.  Okay soooooo I am going to go meditate and let me shoulders drop because I get DO TENSE and then I realize my shoulders are up around my ears.  WHAT THE FUCK.  How am I so tense when I am here alone most of the time?  Well okay wait - there is a LOT to be tense about - Jesus. 

Love you Bluebie!!

The Opportunity Cancer Built

Hi.  Well the world has gone mad - in some ways for the better if you ask me.  If you ask a lot of people!  It's about time right?  Well I have continued on my journey of organizing every single thing and have really shifted a lot of my life into a different direction.  I have put pictures into frames and put them in the walls that I have had for YEARS.  I mean I don't know what the fuck I was doing!  Well I do - I was doing a lot of shit but still - in many ways this has been a real blessing staying home.  We have nested like mother-fuckers and it's been great.  We have cooked, cleaned and lived on such a small amount of money and I am really loving it.  It's amazing how creative we can get when we are forced into it.  And I just needed more time to adjust my schedule to adding another meditation time to my day and cooking.  So much cooking!  ANYWAY.

I had my mammogram last week and it was okay.  For some reason it was super upsetting and I just couldn't figure out why.  I mean chemo SUCKED SUCH A HUGE DICK that I was like why is this upsetting me so much!?  It hurt!  It hurt bad but it wasn't that.  It was the fact that every time - every single time I go get one of these tests they are looking to see "IS SHE ALMOST DYING AGAIN!???"  And it's so fucking intense and stressful.  Jesus!!  Well then because the mammogram was okay I asked if I could not go for the MRI and they said no - you need to go.  So that was yesterday and I had 5 days in between of waiting.  The MRI is where they realized I had more going on (possibly) than the one little tumor they initially saw 3 years ago so I was very scared to go. You know like "Maybe the mammogram was okay but maybe the MRI will pick up something else!?" Mind you I have been exercising, drinking water, drinking teas, meditating, cooking fresh healthy food, resting, being kind to myself blaah blah - all the things!  All the mother-fucking things!  So I thought I am probably okay but I really was not wanting to go.  Then I get there and it was weird with all the masks and everyone was upset and the receptionist was being a complete fucking cunt so I started to cry.....silently in a chair....stoically clutching my purse to my chest like a DRAMA QUEEN.  But I really felt so vulnerable and terrified.  Of COVID and of the MRI.  I also don't like the giant needle they put in my arm for the gadolinium and I don't even like that stuff.  It's a contrast dye they use to find tumors I think?  But I can taste it when they put in it me and it's fucking gross.  OYE.  I find the test itself to be uncomfortable but I suppose on some days it's worse than others and yesterday I was (shockingly) feeling very sensitive.  What is my point?  OH - that it was another test to "SEE IF YOU MIGHT BE DYING A LITTLE BIT" and it's upsetting.  Plus I had to relive the whole experience filling out the forms OMG - SORRY.

Long story short I am fine.  All good.  I AM OKAY.  So you know what that means??

The good news is all that healthy food and exercising is working.  The bad news is all that healthy food and exercising is working.  It's just like the program.  If it works than it's a miracle and you can have a new life and a new freedom.  Bad news is we have TO KEPP WORKING THE PROGRAM FOR THAT TO KEEP HAPPENING.

So like a true alcoholic I am feeling slightly upset that in order to stay sober & cancer free I need to continue on this path of love, light, exercise and healthy eating.  Fuck me.

LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.

Organizing My Inner Life

Well as I sit here in my office with everything on the floor and my books everywhere - I am facing something and that's - my inner life.  I just went outside to exercise and realized while I was motoring around the streets that I am finally giving myself the chance to organize my inner life.  All these books and notebooks are my search for order.  I suppose that is what I have been trying to do all these years without realizing it.  It's very, very VERY uncomfortable and I think I have stopped this process by going "really fast" and getting "really busy" and just "not having the TIME" to sit and just - organize.  I guess maybe it's less painful for some people than others and I am just one of those people who does not want to go through the feelings even if I feel SO much better on the other side.  Anyway - I am doing it and I am also letting myself do it slowly.  God knows I have plenty of time!  What a strange and bizarre time we are living in right now!  It is so crazy to me the opportunities I have been given over the last 4 years through painful experiences.  My father died suddenly out of nowhere...I finally was able to devote the majority of my time to my creative pursuits....I changed side jobs...I got cancer and went through treatment and it was extremely painful and challenging and I handled it amazingly well.....I stayed sober and I - kept marching on.....then I changed side jobs again and then this!  This one is a big oneand this one is everyone and - sigh - well - I don't know....maybe the whole world needed to sit alone with themselves like I did.  Facing ourselves is the ultimate challenge really.  I have learned I am wonderful and kind and I have choices.  GOD - it doesn't seem like it sometimes because I have been so ruled by the chaos of my inner life....but as I go on and continue to look and organize and ACCEPT - I am less ruled by it.  Agh!  It's a lot!

Gotta go live this day!  Love you Bluebie!

My Office

Here I am in my office and it is all on the floor.  I took a bunch of stuff out of my bookshelf to clean it and realized I should actually store many of these things.  Photo albums, journals, notebooks and well - that's it.  I opened a couple of them and it was painful.  This is once again why people don't do this - it's so fucking uncomfortable and painful.  I was writing in journals the WHOLE time I was drinking and drugging and what a shitshow.  I was so sad!  But also I wrote a lot of gratitude lists.  Also a had a ton of ideas and I made a lot and I mean A LOT of collages.  Um - who knew.  Anyway.  It's okay - I can store them away and make room for wonderful new things.  I am just going to say it once more though - it's painful.  But I just wrote in my journal about it and as soon as I wrote that it was painful - I was able to feel like I could move on and continue cleaning this stuff out.  So once again I am reminded how truly therapeutic writing is!  Get it the fuck out onto the page!  That's it!  It's so strange that I have had such a hard time doing it during this quarantine.  However today that has shifted.  I woke up super early and got to it...took care of myself and refused to let myself do anything else until I sat down to write.  Yes.  That's it.  I also and oh my GOD - this deserves it's own paragraph....

I ate a sensible lunch even though I was STARVING.  I mean STARVING.  I have been working out more so I am extra hungry and I didn't eat that much yesterday so today by lunch time I was so fucking hungry.....but I just can't do it....I can't hurt myself by over-eating....feeling bloated....feeling upset...then doing it all over again.  But more than that - cancer.  I do not want to get cancer again.  If I have to eat lightly for the rest of my life - OH WELL.  It doesn't feel good to panic eat.  It has to be so much harder for my body to try and digest food that way.  It feels like I am not trusting that there will be another meal in a few hours.  I guess I am indeed, not trusting that.  AND - guess what?  I could even skip a meal (I'm not going to) and I would be okay.  So yeah - look at me - I am a miracle - I ate a sensible lunch.  HA.

I think the rest of the world forgot about the Virus but I did not so I am still being very cautious.  I am going to go ahead and continue to do that.  I have to say I think one of the biggest challenges I have noticed for myself besides the panic-based relationship I have with food is - my breathing.  I hold my breath.  I HOOOOOOOOLD it.  Then I clench my jaw.  It's like I am trying to clench life in my teeth.  I am going to guess that is also not good for my body.  I wonder if that has something to do with the ear ringing?  God - how many years am I going to have to listen to this ringing? I mean my eye twitched for literally 5 years.  Is it something in my body?  Is it trying to tell me something?  Is the ringing trying to tell me to hear something?  Maybe.  Hello?  Still ringing.  I just re-read those sentences and thought "Maybe it's trying to tell me I'm neurotic."  HAHA.  Gotta go LIVE THIS DAY!!!  Byeeeeee. 

Exhausted in the Time of Corona

Good lord - I am so so tired.  Sometimes the menopause just smacks me in the face and today is that day.  It's warm and I am VERY warm.  Also I want to eat an entire turkey, cow, chicken and 5 vats of cheese.  I chose not to do that because - well it's gross and I want to feel better so.....I drank celery juice (which is super refreshing) & had a nice bowl of cereal with fresh fruit, ground flax and almond milk.  And I am coming around to feeling better.  I didn't sleep well last night but I will either tonight or tomorrow night and I am going to take loving, wonderful care of myself all day and things will shift and I will feel better.  It's such a crazy time.....I am actually getting stir crazy which says a lot because I LOVE being home!  I miss the library and I miss doing shows.  Everyone does.  I miss writing...I wrote more when I was doing shows.  Anyway let's move on to the positive things...

I have been meditating an additional time each day and it has really been amazing.  I am able to see how stressed I get during the day even being home.  My heart is racing so quickly by the time I go to meditate the second time that it's almost excruciating to meditate - I just want to leap up and go do something!  But it also feels so disgustingly unhealthy to have my heart racing like that and I just force myself to sit there till I calm down.  But I almost have to PANT with my breathing.  God it's crazy.  That being said - I wrote that and realized it will get easier.  I suppose I will begin to notice during the day as I even START to get all racing inside myself and calm it down.  So that's one great thing in the time of corona!

I have learned to bake regular potatoes and sweet potatoes!  Wait let me rephrase that - I have learned to LOVE simply baking regular potatoes and sweet potatoes.  Good, old-fashioned skin on baking them.  They are so easy to bake and they make the house smell so delicious!  And it feels so comforting.  And best part!?  They taste amazing!  My guy and I have been like "Why the fuck don't we always do this?"  I'm saying this because I just literally baked some sweet potatoes just now.  It smells so sweet and good in here and it really made me feel better to scrub those sweet potatoes and bake them.  What am I trying to sell this to you?  I just said potatoes like 400 times.  Anyway that's a nice thing too - baking potatoes in the time of Corona.

Guess what?  I am way less tired.  Hmmm I'm also drinking coffee so I don't know - but I feel better.  Love you Bluebie!

Uncomfortable Monday.

Well hello.  I have had trouble writing on here or anywhere for that matter since this whole quarantine started.  Yesterday I realized something and that really just drop-kicked me into reality.  A reality I haven't wanted to face and I suppose I couldn't for a long, long time.  Maybe I never could have - I don't know.  Doesn't matter because I did.  I watched something that triggered me to such a disturbing degree that I was sickened by it, on Friday.  It took until yesterday for me to fully realize why it made me so disturbed.  And although the details are sensational & I suppose intriguing (on some level) they don't matter.  What matters is that because this information is fully coming into my consciousness I now have the knowledge I need in order to heal.  I am aware and I can choose what to do with that awareness and I choose to heal.  I am however still smarting form the whole thing and it feels pretty horrible.  But it's okay.  Because I have so many tools now I will be able to take care of myself (and I have been taking care of myself anyway) and move through this more quickly than I have moved through other things.  I can soothe myself in a healthy way.  In a loving, healthy way.  I have taken good care of myself over the years and I have been true to myself - and for today, just today - I will continue to do that.  AGH!  It sucks to be in pain - any kind of pain...but it's okay.  It's okay!  I am saying that even though I also am upset. 

I had to take a moment.  Now I can love, enjoy and take care of myself on a whole different level...because now I understand there is more to the picture.  There is more to take care of!  And that truly is okay.  Thank fucking God I am in alanon - a program that teaches me how to focus on myself (in a healthy way) and take care of me.  So.  So I can dust myself off and know that in a lot of ways I have done a great job.  Also I can just pick myself up and let myself enjoy me and my life and get my mother-fucking power back!  Kind power.  Kind, loving power that is of service.  Of service without hurting myself.  Without giving away more than I have to give and not from a place of guilt.  I feel like I am being hard on myself while I am writing this and that is not my aim either.  This is about freedom.  This is about being happy, joyous and free.  Yes.  So the good news - the GREAT news - is that today I wrote.  I got on here and even though I was so uncomfortable it was almost excruciating I let myself write.  Hopefully now these parts of my past that have still been "enflamed" can start to heal and I can operate differently in the world in a more manageable, effective way.  Really give myself permission to take care of myself.  Yeah.  Work on my calling - whatever that is.  I'm sure I am doing it on some level.....or I would be experiencing a whole different kind of dis-ease.  Sigh.  Isn't life so odd?  My mind just didn't let me fully accept some truths about myself until I was able to have enough support systems in place to accept them.  And deal with them.  And acknowledge them.  And let them go.  EW RIGHT? 

LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.

Stiil Fighting....

Everyone, everything and myself.  Difference is?  Now I do things even when I feel badly to make myself feel better.  And ugh well at least I do things that are healthy for myself and even if I don't feel better - I don't feel WORSE & I am not hurting myself.  Which is really - such a graceful thing to have in my life.  It is!  I can also be shaking & nervous and do things for myself and in the past I couldn't!  I thought I was supposed to wait till I felt better.  WHAEN WAS THAT GOING TO BE?  Don't know.  Wait - don't know if that's completely true but as far as alanon stuff goes it's much more true.  What?  That level of self-care had to be "divinely led" it seemed.  You know what?  I don't know.  I am so fucking ANXIOUS today and my brain is just like "HEY YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT BECAUSE YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT AND HERE IS A LIST OF EXAMPLES AND ALSO WHILE YOU ARE AT IT HERE IS ANOTHER LIST OF THINGS YOU DID WELL BUT THE LIST - is a lie."  Yikes!  My mind hates me! I wish I could weed my brain like a garden.  I guess I am.  That's what all this work is - weeding the garden.  Cleaning out the closets.  Organizing the shelves.  Then once we are done?  Do it again!  Or at least - continue to do it so it doesn't have to be such a huge, crazy thing next time.  God - it's exhausting.  I feel better though as I am writing this.  Yeah.  Okay.  OYE.  Um - okay well I actually have a ton of stuff to do and so I am going to run along now.  Haha that sounds funny.  Well I guess I am moving towards emotional sobriety now and good LORD - it's uncomfortable.  But also - there's freedom.  So - so one step closer to being happy, joyous and free.  And thin!  That's one of the promises right?  To be in great shape and slender. HA.  Love you Buebie byeeeeee.

We Ceased Fighting Anyone Or Anything

THE MUSICAL!  Haha nooooooo.  That's another AA thing - saying - it's in the Big Book - I think?  I don't know - I am reading this book called "You Can't Make Me Angry" and it's by an elderly doctor in his 80's who had been sober and in Alanon for a long, long time.  In the book he mentions that quote several times and honestly - THATS ALL I DO.  I fight everyone and everything all the time - and mostly myself in my own fucking head!  Okay but I get it.  Whats endlessly confusing to me is that my therapist - my wonderful, beautiful therapist who I have been working with for almost 19 mother-fucking years - always says "What's wrong with being angry?  People are awful!  People are enraging!" But she's not an alcoholic so....so yeah.  Well my fighting comes from the resentment part.  I re-think things (the past) over & over again - trying to understand it and figure it out.  I can assure you that I have never gotten anywhere doing this.  Never feels better and it also never changes.  The past never changes.  One more time.  THE PAST NEVER CHANGES - it always stays the same.  So then you might be asking yourself - why does she keep looking at it?  Juuuust picking at a scab or a scar even!  Also maybe that's just some ingrained, weird thing that addicts do - I don't know.  Regardless - I don't have to do it anymore.  He suggests in the book that we give it to God.  That's it!  Easy peasy.  Give it to God.  I have been obsessing for months about this one relationship that unraveled and I just can't get anywhere about it.  Her fault?  My fault?  Life's fault?  Doesn't matter - it unraveled and it's not healthy for me anymore - I don't know about her.  Well I know on one level it doesn't work for her because she told me to back off - soooooo - yeah.  But it's painful and I love her and miss her.  Wait - do I?  Now I am confused OMG I AM DOING IT!! 

Gave it to God.  Nothing to figure out.  Take care of myself.  That's it!  The asset is self-care.  The opposite of this self-destructive thought pattern is taking care of myself.  Which I am doing.  God this is such a terrifying time isn't it?  I mean when is it going to shift?  All the people that are dying?  Losing jobs?  Agh - it's awful and it's so sad.  I am tired.  I have been cooking, cleaning and working on myself like crazy.  But not in a frenzy - just at a good, strong, steady pace.  I don't have to fight myself.  I can be on my side!  I can also just accept - accept that I just can't be super close to all the people forever.  I can love from afar though!  That is taking care of myself.  I can accept, forgive, move away and love from afar.  HE wrote the acceptance prayer this doctor.  Well I don't think when he wrote it he meant it to be a prayer but it is one I have used many times and one that people say in the program.  It's in his story in the Big Book - here's how it goes - it's wonderful and it made me cry when I got to it in his story the first time I read it...

Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it's meant to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.  Until I could accept my alcoholism I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms I cannot be happy.  I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the  world as in what needs to be change in me and my attitudes.

So that's the thing about us alcoholics - we have no clue how to live life!  Normal people probably see that prayer and think "Yeah - duh - accept and move on."  Alcoholics are like "WHAT?  ACCEPTANCE IS A THING??  FOCUS ON MY OWN SHITTY ATTITUDES??  WHAT?  OKAY GREAT IDEA!!!"  Then 2 days later we forget and have to be reminded 5000 times to practice acceptance.  Anyway.  I made these cookies yesterday - sugar-free with all healthy stuff in them and when I tell you they were fucking disgusting I mean good fucking LORD. Baaaaaaaarf.  I mean at best they tasted like a dinner roll of some sort?  Like a weird dinner roll that comes in a bread basket and you're like that's weird - what is that?  Hmmmm.  And you spread butter all over it and you're like okay yeah not bad.  They were like that only worse. Hahaha!  Ew! 

Bye Bluebie!

Deep & Light?

I just read a post from this blog from 2010 - December.  So I had a just a little over a year sober.  I was trying to figure out a catch phrase for this blog.  At the end I joked about having it be "keeping it deep & light."  Which ironically today - is exactly what I want to do.  I want to keep it deep but also - light!  Lighten up!  Life is too short and I have had it with the suffering.  We get sober to be happy, joyous and free and that is what I am aiming for now.  So.  So now I am sitting here with all my feelings, all my stuff - both physical and emotional...and I have the time to clean everything out.  It feels like a once in a lifetime opportunity.  I have peeled back so many layers of my "onion" but now - now I can peel back and clean up more.  and file!  I can file my layers.  Who new I liked to file!?  I like order!  I do!  It might now look like other people's order but it's order.  I am a structured person.  I think the most interesting thing about this blog is that I basically - never told anyone about it.  A few people?  It is as real an account of my sobriety and recovery as I could possibly express.  I feel like maybe back then there was a touch more kindness in me.  I feel I have - OH MY GOD WHATEVER.  I have been naïve in my life - oh well.  Ha!  I am a wonderful person and I have worked so very hard to be kind and I will continue to do that - hopefully.  After I left that thing I left yesterday my sponsor said to me "Well that must have been very hard for you - knowing how you are."  And I laughed because it made me feel like - I don't know - like a person with a "nervous condition" who can't stick up for themselves.  Which to be honest I kind of am that.  SO THAT'S FUN.  Anyway.  Now I have another big thing to take care of....big for me.....UGH I DON'T WANT TO.  Okay well I don't have to today.  I'm not exactly sure what I am saying anyway.  Okay I am going to lay down for a minute - love you Bluebie bye.

Everything Is Cancelled

Yeah.  On hold till middle of May but I really don't see how anything can happen very quickly after that.  This is nuts.  That being said I am really taking this opportunity to reset - big time.  And it has been extremely uncomfortable and almost painful but I am doing it.  I had therapy today and after I spoke to her I did something that I really did not think I could do.  I removed myself from something that really wasn't good for me.  It made me feel badly and I just could not do it anymore.  She said that I needed to limit the exposure so I removed myself and I am SO FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF.  Mostly because I was kind and I just said I could not really handle it anymore.  I didn't say it like that - I just was polite and as straight-forward as I can be at this moment of my life.  Who knew I was so fucking CODEPENDENT?  It has been so challenging for me to learn how to say "No" and if I say "Yes" and I "am not comfortable" say "I changed my mind" or "Thank you anyway but I am going to go do anything else but this bye."  Haha I am just kidding.  I really am aiming to be kind but man when I am in something too long I get so fucking ANGRY.  Which sucks.  And then I am not kind.  Life and relationships are so mother-fucking challenging.  Well - so that is where I am right now.  It's the Springtime of 2020.  There is a World Pandemic that has caused many of us to be ordered to stay in our homes till this virus is under control.  I am here facing myself and sitting with my own discomfort - something I have learned to do more & more with the different programs and therapy I am in.  This feels like that opportunity to dig through and organize my emotional closet on a whole different level.  God - it is so weird I like to do this stuff but also it is so weird I NEED to do this stuff.  But doesn't everyone?  At some point in their lives?  I mean seriously.  Anyway so today was one little step towards some emotional sobriety and emotional independence.  There is another big giant step I need to take but I am still trying to figure out exactly what it is I want.  Yeah - so now I can work on that and take care of myself in that situation.  Love you Bluebie!