Fear.

What am I so afraid of?  Why is it so hard for me to say I need to do something else even if that thing is nothing?  I don't know but I am.  It's an old, old feeling of being stuck & trapped.  It's very familiar, very familial and I really, really, really don't fucking like it.  That being said - it's okay.  I can do this because I - what?  I know what it is....it seems more challenging than I can handle.  It seems like I can't trust myself and I will just cave and say to myself "Oh well - this is better than nothing right?"  But it isn't better. 

I am working on the Traditions with my sponsor and we just did Tradition 2.  The traditions are what save these beautiful programs from the alcoholics and addicts.  So there's the steps for the alcoholics and the traditions for the programs.  It's amazing.  I am really enjoying learning the history of how they came about and learning more about the program in general.  It's utterly fascinating to me!  Anyway there is a saying this guy says at the end of the chapter about the tradition - he says "the good is the enemy of the best."  And I have heard this said many MANY times over the years and literally never understood what the fuck it meant.  Until Sunday when I re-read the chapter for the 10th time probably.  I have been in many meetings over the years where we read that chapter and not only did I not really CARE what it was saying I definitely blanked out every time that sentence was read - no clue - I HAD NO CLUE.

This is what it is saying (you might already know this!?  Maybe you read that and said "oh yeah!  Duh that's a thing people say!"  Or maybe - I don't fucking know what but I am going to explain it anyway)......

Good isn't the best.  If you are settling for "good enough" then you can't get the best.  Good is the enemy of the best because you can't strive for the best or be the best of you are like "Eh!  This is good - it's okay to be good right?"  I mean okay yes maybe there are some situations where good not only HAS to be okay and fine but that really is the best you are going to get.  But most of the time?  No.  Nope and fuck that.  I finally heard it and understood it. 

So yeah I am in something that is good.  Sometimes!  But not really.  And it is in the way of the best.  And I am afraid to move on.  Afraid of conflict.  Afraid to stick up for myself.  Afraid to say I deserve better than this and I want better than this for myself.  Afraid I can't be kind.  Afraid I will just cave & settle.  Yeah.  Growing.  Uncomfortable.  Challenging. Tedious. 

I'm going to meditate.  Love you Bluebie!