We Must Change.

That's what my sponsor said to me. She texted it actually but she said we learned survival skills and they no longer suit us and we deserve t be happy so we must change. OKAY. So what doe that mean really?

It's an inside job now for me and it's all about Alanon. The 3 C's. I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. Whatever that means - booze, drugs, food, shopping, feelings - ANYTHING that's someone else's is there's and my FEELINGS, thoughts, food, shopping - are all MY stuff.

I feel like I have been untangling myself from other people since I was born. Sorry I mean untangling form other people's "stuff." And right now at this moment I really just see how that's my problem. UGH THAT'S SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

Meanwhile my sponsor also told me I am addicted to negative thoughts. THANKS. She's not wrong because I spent ALL DAY yesterday trying to not have them and it was almost impossible. I finally had to take it one moment at a time - sort of like when I stopped drinking and drugging. I know I have talked before about being on this brain diet but now I see I HAVE to do it if I am going to survive. Which is also SO ANNOYING. But it's okay. It's OKAY. I can do this. And I want to do this.

The craziest part is realizing these different people I stopped talking to, because they were SO ADDICTED to their misery and negativity - not only was I (I think?) addicted to them and their misery but I was just addicted to my own negative thoughts about them and my own misery. Then I would eat a muffin in my car by myself and tell myself it was my boyfriend's fault. Growing up is fun. Taking responsibility for myself is fun. Being sarcastic is fun. This quarantine has been the greatest thing that could have ever happened to my and I am not even being a little sarcastic. I am able to face myself and my thoughts and my own shit and it is giving me SO much clarity. It's also WILDLY uncomfortable but I'm up for it. Fuck it - it's more interesting than being a fucking victim - I will tell you that right now. But also...

Next time I judge someone and put a label on them I am REALLY going to check myself and remember how plenty fucked up I still am & all the work I need to do. I can also remove myself way, way, WAY sooner form a situation so I don't have to be resentful that this poor soul is suffering. No on is suffering to make me feel badly.

I just literally said "Agh."

It's another tectonic plate shift.  Slowly, slowly moving this cruise ship around. I have to pee bye.