Nature Change

My guy always talks about how we need to change the nature of ourselves - wait no that's not it.  He says the nature of us has to change for true recovery from alcoholism.  And that happens with God's help.  Sorry - does that make you uncomfortable?  It always makes me uncomfortable when people talk about God.  It's easier when they say High Power.  Anyway the nature of me needs to change.  I am going to do the work I need to do today to the best of my ability to help make that happen.  I already prayed & meditated and now I am going to ask for more help from my therapist.  Then I will write, exercise and call my sponsor.  I just am seeing these relationships I have participated in & how dysfunctional it is - for me.  And it's my part.  I recently asked for things to be different, said I needed to move on - and guess what?  Nothing has changed.  Even the moving on has been stalled and drawn out.  I feel powerless.  And I am still angry & hurt.  But they have been exactly who they have been during all of these years.  Why do I do this to myself?  I don't know.  I know only one thing.  I don't want to drink.  And I don't want to participate in these relationships that hurt me anymore.  But this is the thing - again - I am the one who keeps going to these people expecting something different.  Fucking alanon.  So you see?  The nature of me needs to change and I need God's help.  Big time.  Because I can not fucking stay sober and continue to hurt myself like this.  It isn't sober behavior.  ANOTHER ONION LAYER.   Awesome.  I know it doesn't sound like it but this is a great opportunity.  Please help me Lord to take care of myself and trust during this transition.  I am so wildly uncomfortable.  Love you Bluebie.