Sunday, February 28, 2016

lighten up

I'm on the train and it's time to lighten the fuck up.  Not because I'm on the train - it just so happens I'm on the train AND it's time for me to lighten up. And the guy. Time for me to let go of the grip I have on my poor little heart and brain. Lighten up! It doesn't matter. Nothing matters except me being nice to myself and to the guy,  and taking care of myself and the guy. At the same time I have also realized that I just need ugh want ugh - how do I say this? Commit. I just need to fully commit to the craft. Acting? Comedy? Both of them? Being an artist. Just let myself commit. I'm all I and I will figure it out as I go. I mean - it's the only way I learn - by doing. I have to fuck up a bunch of times and then I learn. That's it! Do you know what i did tonight? Went to a show, to do a show...got there and I stead of 8:30 the hostel said 9:30 show. I left, went and got tacos, came back for the 9:30 show. Found out when I got into the show - wrong hostel. Who knew there were 2 fucking hostels in the same area?? Well not me but now I know. So I was an hour and 15 mins late to the show. But it was okay - I got to go right on and it was fun.  Can I do it? Can I be all in? What the fuck else am I doing and I love it. I looove it so why don't I just give it to myself. Give myself the gift of commitment. What? Good lord. K bye.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Day off.

I took the day off today.  I went to a morning meeting and it has been a good day.  I worked on organizing my office.....made myself bacon and eggs.  Delicious, delicious bacon and eggs.  YUM.  Even without the cheese and bread - bacon and eggs is fucking delicious!  I also looked for another job.....got some ideas for other work....and the guy and I are being much nicer to each other, much kinder.  It will be okay.  It's so glorious to be home!  This apartment is so sunny - all day long - so it's so nice to be here.  I just needed some quiet and calm.  To just iron myself out a little bit.  Ah - what the heck is going to happen?  where am I going?  What do I want?  Do I want anything?  Or do I just want quiet and calm?  I had my acting class last night.  I'm so in love with that work - it thrills me every time the lights go down - before the actors say they are ready.  I just fucking love it.  I always LOOK different after a great class - or even one I'm just super absorbed in - so basically almost every class.  Maybe I just don't want to do comedy anymore.  No that doesn't feel right.  AGH.  I have no idea.  Im just going to keep taking care of myself and listen deeply and see what I can decide.  Decide?  See what feels right.  The picture will become clearer.  I just need to take care of myself.  Bacon and eggs!!  Bacooooon and EGGGGSSS.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Dichotomy Day 2365

We got in a huge fight yesterday.  It was so awful, so scary.  He wouldn't stop and I started to hit myself.  I haven't done that since I was drinking.  I literally haven't done that in years.  I needed to be alone so badly yesterday and he didn't feel good and came home in the middle of me meditating but disturbed me, got mad that I wasn't more sympathetic and taking care of him and would not leave me alone.  It was awful.  It made me feel like I'm really not okay, we aren't okay - that all this work I've done is for nothing.  It wasn't him coming home that was so awful - it was that he was crazy making and he was mad at me - and he wouldn't stop.  He's never like that.  And I just so desperately needed to get some things done and have some time to myself.  It was like I was having deprivation in that area.  Not everyone needs alone time but I do and I never get any anymore.  I don't know - you know it wasn't even that completely so much as he was being mean.  He really wasn't being nice.  I ended up taking care of him, took his temperature, put him in bed, put my hand on his stomach.  It was awful.  Then I left the house.  I sat in the parking lot of the grocery store and called a friend.  That helped - she's married a long time - she said she's a champion fighter and these things are bound to happen.  It just felt so ugly and dysfunctional and it scared me how upset I got.  I mean - well as Im writing this I guess I have to find a way to not have so much deprivation.  I need to give myself more somehow.  Well I am home now - and writing on here and I don't have to go anywhere for a bunch of hours.  I have a show late tonight.  Ah - Im sad.  Oh well lots of people are sad.  What?  I tried to leave early yesterday and get to a meeting but he kept staring at me and talking to me.  I got to my class at least - which I farted the WHOLE WAY THROUGH.  So that's fun.  I kept telling myself because I was sitting in one of those cushioned seats that the farts were just going in there and no one could smell it.  That is probably one of THE biggest lies I have ever told myself.  I literally farted like every 2-3 minutes except when I was onstage.  UGH - I was SO upset.  I just completely rattled me yesterday and now I just don't want to ever talk to him again.  Im sure that will pass.  I need a meeting and you know what - maybe I will go to 2.  I can do that if I want to.  Ugh I feel sick.  How do people stay in relationships?  Im so scared I cant do this - that I was never meant to do this - I cant have anything I want - ever.  Oh that's so awful to think - it cant possibly be true.  Well so - who wants to read about anything like this?  I have to love myself so much today.  Just love myself so much.  I don't know what else to do.  I guess I just have to be as kind to myself as I can be.  I don't feel well.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Misophonia

It's a disorder where hearing people chew sends you into an almost blackout rage. So I have that which is super fun. It's so amaaazi to me that there are people out there who can sit next to someone eating chips on a quiet train and not be enraged by it. Could care less. I guess these are the same type of person that can have one or two glasses of wine and not ruin their lives. We are all made so differently iguess. Well anyway a woman just now ate burger King or so.ething then pulled out a bag of roasted street nuts in a crinkly bag and I literally almost lost my mind. I'm sitting across the train diagonally back from her left side. She's facing forward. I Stared at her so hard eating those fucking nuts that she eventually slowly turned around and looked at me. I looked at her for about 10 seconds and then kept writing in my notebook but she did stop. How psychotic of me is that?? Maybe I should take a poll. I have to find out.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Shifted.

The brown rice cakes with peanut butter shifted a lot - IT WAS SO GOOD.  That's what happens when you deny yourself enough bread, dairy and sugar - brown rice cakes with peanut butter tastes like absolute heaven.  And I am still eating SOME bread, dairy and okay lots of sugar - but not nearly as much and I haven't had pizza in forever.  I lived off of pizza.  I miss pizza.  It's okay.  Now I eat stuff like sushi and - soup?  Who the fuck knows.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Blech.

Im exhausted.  Im exhausted but that's okay right?  I got up, I prayed and meditated and then I wrote in my journal.  Isn't that great?  I let myself do that.  Now - Im writing on here and Im home, sitting on the couch.  After Im done here Im going to put on my jogging pants or dance pants or whatever the fuck they are - work-out pants?  And get on the treadmill.  Then I need to go to CVS and come back and organize my bills and money.  What little money there is.  It would be so nice if I could learn how to make some money one day.  WHY AM I WRITING THIS?  Good GOD.  I just feel like a bucket of shit and for the life of me it seems like what is the point of being sober if Im still going to get grey hair and have to work with that twat waffle Cunty Buns?  That woman - even when she is not being difficult - is SO HARD TO E AROUND.  She never stops drawing attention to herself - ever.  She slaps the counter, punches a magazine, coughs, burps, says excuse me but she says it like this "OH! EXCUSE ME FOR BELCHING!"  Who in the God's name of fuck says belching that isn't 127?  I cant even take it.  And do you know what I learned in therapy this week?  Okay that made me laugh a little when I wrote that I'm not sure why.  Maybe because - who knows anyway...I learned that I acquiesce to other people all the time and it's from my childhood.  It's how I survived growing up in a chaotic home.  Isnt that sad?  No one made me do it - it's just what happened.  It's why I have no personal power.  Jesus this is exhausting.  So now I find myself doing it in this beautiful relationship I have and it's not going to work.  But it's really not working for me - anymore.  It's just not serving me.  Am I making any sense at all?  Who wants to do all this work?  Why am I doing all this work?  Other people don't - they just eat fries and do - I don't know what.  I don't know what normal people do because I don't know any normal people I guess.  Let's flip this around.  Arent I lucky that I have such a great therapist?  Isnt it amazing that I have all the opportunities I do to work on myself.  Arent I lucky that Im a woman living right now in 2016 who doesn't have to have children and can work on ME and help unchain myself from all this shit and avoid hurting other people and continuing the cycle?  I think I need to take some midol.  Im going to take some midol and eat a brown rice cake with peanut butter on it.  All things will shift from that right?  I guess I need a meeting.  It's so hard for me to get to meetings.  I can make phone calls.  I can connect still.  I can do that.  IT will be okay.  One day at a time.  Gentleness and loving self-care.  Barf but yes.  Barf but yes.  Barf but YES.  Bye.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

can't keep up.

I'm a mess. All the extra travel time, the living with someone else, the making food at home, bringing food from home.....I'm so fucking tired. Ugh. I'm doing what I want and I'm not even waitress ing although I'm thinking about going back. I have pms. Is that all this is? I'm at work on my phone - I just don't know how else to find the time to do this.  It's okay - it really is. I'm drinking water and tea, and I'm grateful to have a job. I'm just tired and I really thought that if I took vitamin d and spirulina I would feel better. Then I decided to take out dairy and bread and guess what I became? Sad psycho. Ugh okay one day at a time. Just go to therapy tonight and take care of myself. Go home and take a bath. Sigh bye.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Writing.

I love writing.  Its hard to do - its hard to get myself to it.  Its like exercising - it's so uncomfortable.  Hard to get started.  This is not revolutionary.  Anyway - I love it.  I was able to write quite a bit this week for my comedy - it's been slow at work - soooooo slow - and I worked with 2 different sets of people on my writing.  Ugh - what?  My guy was talking to me while I was writing that and I am not - ha - coordinated enough to be able to write and listen/talk.  Anyway - I wrote with a couple of friends which was helpful, but what was really helpful was writing to get ready to write with them.  Then I also paid someone to help me on my writing which was tremendously helpful and then I was able to do a spot today and work on the stuff and it helped a bunch.  So I'm getting there.  My point is that if I can get somewhere - to that place - with the writing - where I'm really learn how to write for myself - I can do a good job up there performing.  AH.  It's so intense - I don't remember it being so intense last time - I guess because I was wasted all the time.  I was wasted and I was always worried about dudes and blah, blah - I don't know - other shit.  So my guy drove me into the city and back here from the show.  He's so sweet and supportive.  He has good ideas too - he's a great comrade.  We are going out to dinner tonight for our anniversary.  Writing that just blew my mind.  What a shift my life has taken.  Thank God.  I just couldn't take life going in that other direction.  I like this more balanced state and I have to say sometimes it's excruciating and I just want to be like AHHHHH - I NEED TO GET ONSTAGE EVERY NIGHT AND RUN ARIUND LIKE A MANIAC - THAT'S THE ANSWER ONLY.  And listen it is the answer for someone and if I was 25 it could be my answer.  But - Im not.  And my guy isn't either and anyway - Im still seeing growth this way it's just not as splashy and dramatic.  Please I am plenty splashy and dramatic onstage - I don't need it in my own life fuck that shit.  I like CALM.  I like LAYING DOWN because I'm healthy tired.  What?  Well anyway I still work 14 hour days at least twice a week and I get plenty exhausted.  Do I feel guilty that Im going to dinner with my guy!?  Ha - I guess so.  Well good thing I justified it then.  Anyway I feel so grateful for him and I want to take care of us.  Gotta put on some lipstick and eat a steak!  Ha!  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee!

Monday, February 1, 2016

train traffic ahead of us....

I'm on the commuter train and I left in enough time to walk sloooowly from Grand central to my class and still get there early but - nope - train tragfic. Some poor soul killed themselves at one of the stops and everything is backed up plus it's rush hour. So.e,lady next to me was so annoyed about it and kept yelling I to the phone to get one of her kids to put the chicken legs in a bowl and spice them so she could cook them for dinner. Man was she pissed. Fuck you chicken leg lady - have you ever wanted to kill yourself? Have some fucking compassion - and how about not yelling on the quiet car giving cooking instructions to your kid who clearly doesn't want to do it??  Anyway - I have to pee. I had a nice day. I prayed and meditated with the guy, paid a bill, wrote a little, had sex (with the guy) ate some ribs and sweet potatoes I made, jogged, stretched and took a nap. I love living with him although I have to get a new job now - wait have i said this? Yeah so anyway bye.