Dichotomy Day 2365

We got in a huge fight yesterday.  It was so awful, so scary.  He wouldn't stop and I started to hit myself.  I haven't done that since I was drinking.  I literally haven't done that in years.  I needed to be alone so badly yesterday and he didn't feel good and came home in the middle of me meditating but disturbed me, got mad that I wasn't more sympathetic and taking care of him and would not leave me alone.  It was awful.  It made me feel like I'm really not okay, we aren't okay - that all this work I've done is for nothing.  It wasn't him coming home that was so awful - it was that he was crazy making and he was mad at me - and he wouldn't stop.  He's never like that.  And I just so desperately needed to get some things done and have some time to myself.  It was like I was having deprivation in that area.  Not everyone needs alone time but I do and I never get any anymore.  I don't know - you know it wasn't even that completely so much as he was being mean.  He really wasn't being nice.  I ended up taking care of him, took his temperature, put him in bed, put my hand on his stomach.  It was awful.  Then I left the house.  I sat in the parking lot of the grocery store and called a friend.  That helped - she's married a long time - she said she's a champion fighter and these things are bound to happen.  It just felt so ugly and dysfunctional and it scared me how upset I got.  I mean - well as Im writing this I guess I have to find a way to not have so much deprivation.  I need to give myself more somehow.  Well I am home now - and writing on here and I don't have to go anywhere for a bunch of hours.  I have a show late tonight.  Ah - Im sad.  Oh well lots of people are sad.  What?  I tried to leave early yesterday and get to a meeting but he kept staring at me and talking to me.  I got to my class at least - which I farted the WHOLE WAY THROUGH.  So that's fun.  I kept telling myself because I was sitting in one of those cushioned seats that the farts were just going in there and no one could smell it.  That is probably one of THE biggest lies I have ever told myself.  I literally farted like every 2-3 minutes except when I was onstage.  UGH - I was SO upset.  I just completely rattled me yesterday and now I just don't want to ever talk to him again.  Im sure that will pass.  I need a meeting and you know what - maybe I will go to 2.  I can do that if I want to.  Ugh I feel sick.  How do people stay in relationships?  Im so scared I cant do this - that I was never meant to do this - I cant have anything I want - ever.  Oh that's so awful to think - it cant possibly be true.  Well so - who wants to read about anything like this?  I have to love myself so much today.  Just love myself so much.  I don't know what else to do.  I guess I just have to be as kind to myself as I can be.  I don't feel well.  Love you Bluebie bye.