The Wholeness of Love

Well I just wrote that title and it was uncomfortable but it's what I want to write about....hopefully I can articulate this...so I had an experience where this guy asked me to help him with something and I didn't want to do it - which is often the case with me - someone asks me to do something and I don't want to do it.  Actually that's not true - I like to help but wait that's not even the point - the point IS that I was upset he asked.  That's the real problem.  He asked me for something that I couldn't help with and it made me so mad.  My anger is so much better than it used to be but it's still there and it feels unmanageable and unhealthy.  It's so much resentment which in my gut feels bad for my cancer and I know in my head that it's bad for my alcoholism.  OKAY - SO......so anyway this guy asks me for help and I get annoyed and try to help him and I did but it left me feeling so mad and it wasn't until finally this morning I could even understand this.....


It's so fucking hard for me to stay focused on myself.  The world spins right?  I don't really have much to do with it - okay I guess I have nothing to do with it.  So ugh why is this so hard to say?  It's probably the most obvious thing in the world.  My guy always says that it's my alanon stuff that causes me to be upset when someone asks me for something.  Let me just say this part - when I was praying and meditating this morning it came to me that if I just love myself and love more when someone asks me for something - meaning instead of focusing on the anger that they are even ASKING me for something - focus on the love I have for myself, my power and my self-care to make a decision about whether or not I can help someone.  Does this make any fucking sense?  It's so crazy how hard it is to articulate and I can't even imagine trying to put it into practice.  I mean but I can't keep being angry because some guy that I barely know asked me for a favor.  Let's break it down even further to say he probably wouldn't even care if I didn't DO IT.  Right?  It's some bizarre inability to stay focused on myself - which is fucking nuts since all I do IS THINK ABOUT MYSELF.  It's so fucking totally bizarre.  I get completely pulled of myself around other people.  Okay that's not true.  I am at least 85% better than I used to be.  But this is like - what are the words - I know - this is like other level shit right here.  This is next level awareness and acceptance.  This is grown-up time right here.  THIS IS ALANON AND ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.  I think I was trying to be funny but it's not annoying it's just exhausting.  Exhausting but what are you going to do?  What am I going to do?  I want to live and be healthy and this is it - this is what I want to do.  I don't have to do it.  I want to do it.  And the love choice feels so much healthier.  It's a totally different direction.  It's the next place in the path - the next fork in the road....I keep seeing forks again everywhere only there is one direction in the fork that is a fat, big direction - like a thick branch of a tree.  So if a tree is forking and there is a thin branch or a fat one - the fat one is the one I'm supposed to take.  Fat Love.  That's a weird analogy but okay.  I have been trying to figure out what it means and I guess that's part of it.  The love direction.  But love for me.  For me in a healthy, wonderful way.  In a freeing way.  Good Christ this is uncomfortable to write about.  It's like working out scar tissue - that's what this feels like.  I got physical therapy on my boob and she worked out the scar tissue and it was - fucking awful.  Really, really uncomfortable.  Okay so there you go.  This is where I am today.  Holy shit can I go back to bed?  So if I'm in myself and making my choices form a place of love - it's wholeness.  Staying in the light - the light of me and taking care of myself is loving wholeness.   WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

And then it's a new day.....

I finally felt better last night after a day of taking care of myself and getting to a meeting and doing service.  Today it's sunny and I was able to get outside and exercise - which made me feel amazing - even though it's so fucking hard to get to that part - the part where I feel amazing.  Jesus.  Also it's fucking freezing.  Well update on my hair wax - it seems to still be missing - I mean it is still missing.  It got delivered here or 50 feet from here but I don't have it.  I went to 3 neighbors houses and 2 said they didn't have it and one didn't answer.  The guy called the landlord and she's going to ask the woman upstairs and then the guy will ask the downstairs guy later.  I called the woman who sold it to me and she said she would refund me.  SO THAT WAS SO NICE.  It's literally the weirdest thing to me that this package would go missing.  You know I just started to type who I thought might have taken it but I don't want to.  I don't even think that's what happened and even if it did who cares.  It's fine - everything is fine.  I literally have bigger fish to fry like how to continue to stay alive and healthy.  Yeah.  I have 2 months to figure out how to take care of myself so I don't have to take that pill they want me to take.  I believe they want to help me and I get it.  I don't want to do it though.  So I need a plan.  I can't decide I want to go to California, refuse to fly and then just wait to see how I get there without doing anything.  I NEED A FUCKING PLAN.  Did that analogy make sense?  No. Maybe?  Anyway I need a plan.  I want a plan anyway.  I want to be healthy.  Really healthy.  Also I want to write more and I keep making myself a schedule and then not doing it.  It's okay.  I can keep trying.  Just keep trying and trying.  Side note...........

I am not responsible for people's feelings.

BUT IT FEELS LIKE I AM.

AND THAT IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

UGH.

Bye.

Out Of My Fucking Mind.

Only nothing I happening and really - nothing has happened.  I mean I am terrified of the cancer coming back - yes.  I am scared to take the pill they want me to take to get rid of all my estrogen which will basically turn me into a 95 year old.  Thinking deep on that one!  I however right now at this moment just don't feel well.  I can't stay hydrated and when that happens to me I start to go crazy.  I had a friend - she's still my friend - we actually reconnected because of the cancer - which was one of the most amazing things really.....well anyway - she always used to go crazy...get obsessive, freak out, ask the same questions over and over again, panic, and just all around you know - lose it.  So then one time she goes to the doctor when she's in the thick of this freak out and the doctor talks to her and then says something to the effect of "Well you need therapy but at the moment you are just really dehydrated."  BOOM.  MIC DROP.  How fucking crazy is that?  This was literally like 16 years ago and I have never forgotten that.  I probably already wrote about it on here but right now today I am once again reminded that I'm not okay when I am dehydrated.  I think that for the next few months I am just going to have to do 12 glasses of water a day instead of 8.  8 is NOT ENOUGH.  Ugh there you - the title of my book.  Someone probably already did it.  Anyway so yeah I need more.  Especially with the jogging.  I did drink a fair amount yesterday but I was fatigued and I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst leg cramps I have ever had.  Both of my lower legs were cramping - everything but the calves - so the side - all of it and then my fucking toes started to cramp.  IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.  So there was no way for me to straighten anything out to make it stop.  Holy fuck it was awful.  3 times it woke me up and the third time I woke the guy up - not on purpose but I was screaming and he goes "Where is it cramping?  What's happening?  Can you stretch it out??"  LIKE I DIDNT THINK OF THAT.  HA omg that POOR GUY.  I  like scream yelled GET ME THE WATER and so he did.  I fell back asleep and it happened one more time but not nearly as badly and I didn't wake him up again.  He was so nice about it today thank God.  So how is that for a dehydration story.  My head feels all cloudy and I don't know...I can't wait till I feel better.  My nails are dry and my cuticles are cracked.  I keep putting on oil and lotion.  I dry body brush and put on coconut oil on my whole body.  It's going to get better even though it seems like I am just going to be like this forever.  You know what just came to me?  A woman from the program that drank aloe vera juice all the time.  It was the only thing that helped her skin condition.  I guess I could try that.  We have a huge aloe vera plant.  It grew so much!  The guy really has a green thumb.  So anyway this helped.  Of course I don't feel good.  It takes months for chemo to leave your system and I had so much of it.  Luckily I am here at home and I have a program.  I have things to do today and I can take care of myself.  I can do what I never used to do when I didn't feel good.....make my bed, take a shower, put on clean clothes and rinks lots of water.  Have some sort of yummy snack....self-soothe.  Go be of service and get out of myself.  Let my life grow....go outside and breathe some fresh air - stay in the day and just don't drink today.  Just for today keep it as fresh as possible.  Let go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Where's my hair wax?

I am tired.  It's been snowing all day so it's real cozy in here and I'm tired because I had a show late last night and had to get up today to do our podcast.  So I'm tired.  I ordered some hair wax and I couldn't remember where I ordered it from (they changed the formula at the company so I had to search for someone who sold the original formula) and I had to search and dig and finally found the email from the company saying it was shipped - right?  SO I check the tracking and it says DELIVERED - yesterday.  YESTERDAY.  I didn't get it yesterday and I certainly didn't get it today.  I put on my snowboots and went out and looked just to make sure and yeah - NO HAIR WAX.  It's expensive but it's AMAZING and works really great in my super bizarre hair right now so I really want this fucking wax right?  Then I call the post office, the 1-800 number and I am holding and holding and waiting and waiting until - UNTIL.....I realize - I am acting like a fucking lunatic.  My post office is closed.  Am I really going to hold for 30 minutes for someone in Nebraska to tell me I need to ask my post office where it went?  So you know what I did??  ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??

I hung up.  I hung up and I made myself a cup of tea and then I meditated.

WHO THE FUCK AM I???

And then I felt so much better. 

When I'm tired I start to spin and get over-stimulated.  It has finally occurred to me after all these years that I do not have to continue to stay that way.  I can stop whatever I am doing and CALM DOWN.  I can let it gooooo.  Jesus.  This is why they call it a long, slow recovery.  9.5 years later and I can finally hang up the phone while I am on a 50 MINUTE HOLD.  Haha.  How's that for alcoholic??  They said it would be  50 minute hold and I was like "OKAY I AM HOLDING!  GONNA BE RIGHT HERE.  I am going to GET my hair wax!"  Good Lord.  Okay I have another show - gotta get to work on that yaaaaaay.  Sigh.  Byeeeee.

Cooking CHOCOLATE GANACHE

No I'm not - I am just going to write about my inner child and I couldn't have that as a title.  Isn't that so crazy?  No one even knows who I am and I'm still embarrassed to write about my inner child.  I'm working on that - my inner child.  Forgiving my inner child.  Having my inner child's back.  Wow - this is profoundly uncomfortable to write about.  Is it because I don't need to be doing this or because it's just uncomfortable growth?  I don't know.  Do you know?  Well anyway I saw my sponsor today and told her I feel like I am really forgiving myself and my inner child and she said self-soothing is very difficult.  I think that's what she said.  Anyway - forgiveness - that's the ticket.  Just plain old forgiving myself.  It's so crazy - I forgave my father - forgave my mother (although there was much less there for me to forgive - she was so kind and so loving to me - so was my father but he was pretty angry when I was little - he was also super fun and charming but not knowing which one was going to happen was incredibly challenging) and yet it seems so hard for me to forgive myself.  But why?  I'm human and I have worked really hard to fix (as much as anyone can fix) my broken parts.  I used to be a complete disaster and I was not the best person I could be.  Look back to 2010-2014 of this blog!  I worked on myself though and got better.  What in the fuck am I writing about right now??  I am trying to say it's okay - I can just go ahead and forgive myself.  Every part of myself.  My youth, my inner child, my inner alcoholic and pothead - it's really okay.  I have forgiven my guy when he has been awful.  Honestly and truly forgiven him.  I love him!  He's wonderful and we all make mistakes.  OH MY GOD IM CRYING.  Okay but my nose is tickling so it's fake I guess.  It comes down to giving myself the same leeway.  I love myself right?  Christ that's more uncomfortable to write than INNER CHILD.  Yuuuuuuuck.  I do though - I love myself.  WOW.  Still uncomfortable!  Well whatever - I can forgive myself.  I feel like it's part of what the cancer was about.  It's exhausting to carry around not forgiving yourself.  It's exhausting and it's heavy.  It's not natural and it's toxic.  I'm sure there are like 2 or 3 people who don't want good things for me or who don't wish me well.  That's not so many right?  There are so so SO many more people who love me and want a beautiful life for me.  Why don't I get on board with them?  Isn't that a more interesting journey?  I'm trying to say this is my choice.  I can choose here.  I can choose health and it feels like this is a big chunk of something I can let go of.  Let go of me not forgiving myself.  That's all.  Just let it go.  I don't know obviously how much time I have left but I want to enjoy it.  I want it to be light and I want to be happy, joyous and free.  So there you go.  Side note - I have been writing on this blog since 2010 and I have ONE follower.  How hilarious is that?  Ahhhhhh - honestly I think that's great!!  Well okay I have some straightening up to do.  It's Sunday night and I want to sit on the couch with my baby and watch something funny.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Farming My Bagina

I have been here since last Wednesday.....on the farm....helping my mother who drinks too much but is so sweet.  She's a writer too.  I mean if I can call myself a writer.  I do call myself that but I don't know if I say it to other people.  I have it on my business cards.  HA.  I mean I write - right??  Anyway my Mom is also a writer and was always clacking away on this old ass typewriter we had.  Tonight she told me she only had 2 storied published - one in the Navy Times about a chameleon they had before I think I was born and one in our town paper here about when I left my bionator at the beach during an afterschool Oceanology class.  I fucking loved Oceanology.  Oceanography?  Holy fuck I don't know what it was called but we went to the ocean and looked at stuff.  We would also collect specimens and bring them back to the lab and look at them under the microscopes and I LOVED it.  We would put on long rubber boots and go out into the marshes...loved it.  So one time we went and I was so distracted by the guys flirting with me - I was in 7th or 8th grade and I was the only girl in Oceanlogy or whatever the fuck it was called and so the boys loved me.  Anyway I had this Gloria Vanderbilt little pink purse with a super long strap that I kept my bionator in and I left it on one of the dunes of the town beach we were at that day.  Well when I got home that night I realized I left my bionator at the beach and my mother FREAKED out - of course because it was like $400 and back in the 80's that was super fucking expensive.  So the next day before school we took our dog and went to the beach and went to the dune and there was my little pink purse with the bionator.  My mother was SO SHOCKED we found it that she wrote a story about it and it got published in the paper.  I WAS FUCKING MORTIFIED about it - of course. 

I just spent a good 20 minutes trying to find that purse to confirm it was Gloria Vanderbilt...They came in all different colors and I guess it could have been Jordache but I don't know.  I'm so tired now.  I had to go to Urgent Care yesterday because I thought I had a UTI but it turned out to be a problem with my Bagina.  The doctor who told me her name was Marcella so it occurred to me 4 hours later that she was NOT acutally a doctor told me it was from my instant menopause and hormone shift that I was having a problem.  She searched around in there for awhile, took a sample and said he would call me in a few days.  She said "Your pee is perfect so now we gonna talk about you Bagina."  Oh my God it was so funny!  She was laughing too!  I kept saying Bagina everytime she said it!  I'm so tired - I have to come back and fix this but here you go.  Byeeeeeee.