Well I just wrote that title and it was uncomfortable but it's what I want to write about....hopefully I can articulate this...so I had an experience where this guy asked me to help him with something and I didn't want to do it - which is often the case with me - someone asks me to do something and I don't want to do it. Actually that's not true - I like to help but wait that's not even the point - the point IS that I was upset he asked. That's the real problem. He asked me for something that I couldn't help with and it made me so mad. My anger is so much better than it used to be but it's still there and it feels unmanageable and unhealthy. It's so much resentment which in my gut feels bad for my cancer and I know in my head that it's bad for my alcoholism. OKAY - SO......so anyway this guy asks me for help and I get annoyed and try to help him and I did but it left me feeling so mad and it wasn't until finally this morning I could even understand this.....
It's so fucking hard for me to stay focused on myself. The world spins right? I don't really have much to do with it - okay I guess I have nothing to do with it. So ugh why is this so hard to say? It's probably the most obvious thing in the world. My guy always says that it's my alanon stuff that causes me to be upset when someone asks me for something. Let me just say this part - when I was praying and meditating this morning it came to me that if I just love myself and love more when someone asks me for something - meaning instead of focusing on the anger that they are even ASKING me for something - focus on the love I have for myself, my power and my self-care to make a decision about whether or not I can help someone. Does this make any fucking sense? It's so crazy how hard it is to articulate and I can't even imagine trying to put it into practice. I mean but I can't keep being angry because some guy that I barely know asked me for a favor. Let's break it down even further to say he probably wouldn't even care if I didn't DO IT. Right? It's some bizarre inability to stay focused on myself - which is fucking nuts since all I do IS THINK ABOUT MYSELF. It's so fucking totally bizarre. I get completely pulled of myself around other people. Okay that's not true. I am at least 85% better than I used to be. But this is like - what are the words - I know - this is like other level shit right here. This is next level awareness and acceptance. This is grown-up time right here. THIS IS ALANON AND ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING. I think I was trying to be funny but it's not annoying it's just exhausting. Exhausting but what are you going to do? What am I going to do? I want to live and be healthy and this is it - this is what I want to do. I don't have to do it. I want to do it. And the love choice feels so much healthier. It's a totally different direction. It's the next place in the path - the next fork in the road....I keep seeing forks again everywhere only there is one direction in the fork that is a fat, big direction - like a thick branch of a tree. So if a tree is forking and there is a thin branch or a fat one - the fat one is the one I'm supposed to take. Fat Love. That's a weird analogy but okay. I have been trying to figure out what it means and I guess that's part of it. The love direction. But love for me. For me in a healthy, wonderful way. In a freeing way. Good Christ this is uncomfortable to write about. It's like working out scar tissue - that's what this feels like. I got physical therapy on my boob and she worked out the scar tissue and it was - fucking awful. Really, really uncomfortable. Okay so there you go. This is where I am today. Holy shit can I go back to bed? So if I'm in myself and making my choices form a place of love - it's wholeness. Staying in the light - the light of me and taking care of myself is loving wholeness. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT. Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.
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