Out Of My Fucking Mind.

Only nothing I happening and really - nothing has happened.  I mean I am terrified of the cancer coming back - yes.  I am scared to take the pill they want me to take to get rid of all my estrogen which will basically turn me into a 95 year old.  Thinking deep on that one!  I however right now at this moment just don't feel well.  I can't stay hydrated and when that happens to me I start to go crazy.  I had a friend - she's still my friend - we actually reconnected because of the cancer - which was one of the most amazing things really.....well anyway - she always used to go crazy...get obsessive, freak out, ask the same questions over and over again, panic, and just all around you know - lose it.  So then one time she goes to the doctor when she's in the thick of this freak out and the doctor talks to her and then says something to the effect of "Well you need therapy but at the moment you are just really dehydrated."  BOOM.  MIC DROP.  How fucking crazy is that?  This was literally like 16 years ago and I have never forgotten that.  I probably already wrote about it on here but right now today I am once again reminded that I'm not okay when I am dehydrated.  I think that for the next few months I am just going to have to do 12 glasses of water a day instead of 8.  8 is NOT ENOUGH.  Ugh there you - the title of my book.  Someone probably already did it.  Anyway so yeah I need more.  Especially with the jogging.  I did drink a fair amount yesterday but I was fatigued and I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst leg cramps I have ever had.  Both of my lower legs were cramping - everything but the calves - so the side - all of it and then my fucking toes started to cramp.  IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.  So there was no way for me to straighten anything out to make it stop.  Holy fuck it was awful.  3 times it woke me up and the third time I woke the guy up - not on purpose but I was screaming and he goes "Where is it cramping?  What's happening?  Can you stretch it out??"  LIKE I DIDNT THINK OF THAT.  HA omg that POOR GUY.  I  like scream yelled GET ME THE WATER and so he did.  I fell back asleep and it happened one more time but not nearly as badly and I didn't wake him up again.  He was so nice about it today thank God.  So how is that for a dehydration story.  My head feels all cloudy and I don't know...I can't wait till I feel better.  My nails are dry and my cuticles are cracked.  I keep putting on oil and lotion.  I dry body brush and put on coconut oil on my whole body.  It's going to get better even though it seems like I am just going to be like this forever.  You know what just came to me?  A woman from the program that drank aloe vera juice all the time.  It was the only thing that helped her skin condition.  I guess I could try that.  We have a huge aloe vera plant.  It grew so much!  The guy really has a green thumb.  So anyway this helped.  Of course I don't feel good.  It takes months for chemo to leave your system and I had so much of it.  Luckily I am here at home and I have a program.  I have things to do today and I can take care of myself.  I can do what I never used to do when I didn't feel good.....make my bed, take a shower, put on clean clothes and rinks lots of water.  Have some sort of yummy snack....self-soothe.  Go be of service and get out of myself.  Let my life grow....go outside and breathe some fresh air - stay in the day and just don't drink today.  Just for today keep it as fresh as possible.  Let go.  Love you Bluebie bye.