Cooking CHOCOLATE GANACHE

No I'm not - I am just going to write about my inner child and I couldn't have that as a title.  Isn't that so crazy?  No one even knows who I am and I'm still embarrassed to write about my inner child.  I'm working on that - my inner child.  Forgiving my inner child.  Having my inner child's back.  Wow - this is profoundly uncomfortable to write about.  Is it because I don't need to be doing this or because it's just uncomfortable growth?  I don't know.  Do you know?  Well anyway I saw my sponsor today and told her I feel like I am really forgiving myself and my inner child and she said self-soothing is very difficult.  I think that's what she said.  Anyway - forgiveness - that's the ticket.  Just plain old forgiving myself.  It's so crazy - I forgave my father - forgave my mother (although there was much less there for me to forgive - she was so kind and so loving to me - so was my father but he was pretty angry when I was little - he was also super fun and charming but not knowing which one was going to happen was incredibly challenging) and yet it seems so hard for me to forgive myself.  But why?  I'm human and I have worked really hard to fix (as much as anyone can fix) my broken parts.  I used to be a complete disaster and I was not the best person I could be.  Look back to 2010-2014 of this blog!  I worked on myself though and got better.  What in the fuck am I writing about right now??  I am trying to say it's okay - I can just go ahead and forgive myself.  Every part of myself.  My youth, my inner child, my inner alcoholic and pothead - it's really okay.  I have forgiven my guy when he has been awful.  Honestly and truly forgiven him.  I love him!  He's wonderful and we all make mistakes.  OH MY GOD IM CRYING.  Okay but my nose is tickling so it's fake I guess.  It comes down to giving myself the same leeway.  I love myself right?  Christ that's more uncomfortable to write than INNER CHILD.  Yuuuuuuuck.  I do though - I love myself.  WOW.  Still uncomfortable!  Well whatever - I can forgive myself.  I feel like it's part of what the cancer was about.  It's exhausting to carry around not forgiving yourself.  It's exhausting and it's heavy.  It's not natural and it's toxic.  I'm sure there are like 2 or 3 people who don't want good things for me or who don't wish me well.  That's not so many right?  There are so so SO many more people who love me and want a beautiful life for me.  Why don't I get on board with them?  Isn't that a more interesting journey?  I'm trying to say this is my choice.  I can choose here.  I can choose health and it feels like this is a big chunk of something I can let go of.  Let go of me not forgiving myself.  That's all.  Just let it go.  I don't know obviously how much time I have left but I want to enjoy it.  I want it to be light and I want to be happy, joyous and free.  So there you go.  Side note - I have been writing on this blog since 2010 and I have ONE follower.  How hilarious is that?  Ahhhhhh - honestly I think that's great!!  Well okay I have some straightening up to do.  It's Sunday night and I want to sit on the couch with my baby and watch something funny.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.