Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Restoration.

I just wrote a whole thing and deleted it.  This is what is happening.  I am trying to restore my body right?  Get it healthy again.  Get back IN it again.  I have a limited amount of energy.  I want to heal myself.  I want to eat healthy and walk and do yoga again and DANCE.  Fuck remember dancing?  It takes time.  It takes slowing down.  It takes being alone - for me - a lot - because I get pulled off myself around people.  Restoration.  I  need so much restoration right now.  So I can breathe.  I went for an awesome walk today.  That felt so good - in the crisp air and the sunshine.  My perception shifted as I walked.  I got less angry and more alive.  I used to move, stretch and do so much everyday.  I think my body is yearning for that.  Holy fuck - it's like being thirsty.  I have to take a shower.  No - first I have to do the dishes, put the clothes in the dryer and then shower.  It's part of the restoration.  Clean living.  Calm living.  Dishes make me feel gross.  I don't want to feel gross.  I want to feel good.  I also want someone else to do the dishes but until then I have to do them.  Ha.  Okay I am feeling better.  Flow.  Flowing Restoration.  RIGHT!?  Haha.  Byeee.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Stillness.

I have no idea why I wrote that title.  I guess it was quiet for a second do I thought it?  Who the fuck knows.  I have a follow-up appointment today with the breast surgeon.  I think she will say whether or not I am healed enough for chemo?  I have no idea - the in between, the up and down, the unknowing is so exhausting and terrifying.  I' much better for sure - I'm less numb and less swollen - the right side is very healed - the left is better.  Fuck yeah I am terrified.  There won't even be any needles or anything today!  I'm so tired.  I was so uncomfortable last night - it doesn't hurt enough on the left side to take the medication anymore but it's still very uncomfortable.  Oh boy well I'm a little bit of a mess and it's OKAY.  I am allowed to be Jesus Fucking Christ.  I had shows over the weekend and that was great.  I have a show tonight and tomorrow night and that is fucking fantastic.  Thank God!  Okay - I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow.  That one is for a study I said I would be part of.  It's for diet and exercise but I might not be in the group that exercises at first.  I have to ask about that.  I can't not exercise for a year - the walking is helping me so much it's amazing.  I have to keep doing that.  It shifts my whole brain and perception.  I am obsessing right now over people who I FEEL like I don't get much of a return from.  It's alanon.  I just need to focus on myself.  That's it!  It is 10:00 am and I am already exhausted.  It's very humid - I think that's part of it.  All day yesterday I was so lightheaded that I felt like I was high - it was awful.  OMG!  That just reminded me of a dream I had last night!  I was doing coke!  I was doing coke and I liked it.  What the fuck?  I was doing coke and then not talking about it at meetings and trying to figure out how to get more coke.  My recurring dream where I pick up more and more each time has now progressed to coke.  I drink, smoke pot and now do coke in this fucking dream.  I was also dreaming I worked in a store underwater and I in front of this big mirror I kept jumping up and down and touching my toes in a straddle - ha.  Then I realized I probably needed air and went to swim to the top but kept being able to breath underwater.  I kept taking in big breaths and thinking how strange it was I could breath.  I DEFINITELY SMOKE POT IN MY DREAMS YUP.  I have to get ready to go to this appointment.  It's okay!  I can do this.  I got this and I can get myself some sort of treat for going.  Like a Big Mac or something.  Ha - no.  Do you know on this show I did on Saturday night?  There was a guy who was in prison for 13 months - had just gotten out and he was sooo fucking nervous to perform.  I told him I totally related!  He told me his girlfriend had a vibrator in her and he the remote and was using it on her to help him be less nervous.  Right?  Why did he tell me that??  I HAVE NO IDEA.  Then he asked me to hold his cell phone and not give it to his girlfriend.  Then I thought - holy shit, I have breast cancer and this little fucking felon is trying to get me to fuck him and his girlfriend.  NICE.  Byeeeeeee.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Acceptance of Uncomfortableness.

I am so physically and emotionally uncomfortable.  I'm so much better from the surgery!  I can walk almost my whole walk now and swing my left arm the whole time.  Not a full swing but I don't have to baby it and have it in my pocket the whole time.  Is that some 90 year old shit to say or what?  "I can swing my arm almost the whole time during my walk dear!"  Ha that made me laugh.  UGH THANK GOD PLEASE I NEED TO LAUGH.  I am so lonely.  I miss going on my auditions and I am here at home alone a LOT more.  That of course is confusing because if someone came over it would exhaust me in 10 minutes and I would want them to leave.  I think I'm lonely in my heart.  I just miss going to shows and miss running around more for the auditions and stuff.  But I wasn't well - always so tired.....so this is my chance to heal, to get myself back I guess.  So I'm lonely but it's okay.  I had such a hard time sleeping last night - I just didn't want to take that fucking medication anymore so I didn't and who cares.  I'm healing and I am feeling better and stronger.  I am accepting that my body is in discomfort and it wont last forever.  Is it possible that I am NOT BEING A PUSSY for once in my life?  Ha.  Maybe.  So I am uncomfortable in so many ways but it's alright.  I know God has my back and that this is an opportunity.  I just have to practice all the great tools of the program and moving forward slowly one day at a time, doing what I can where I can.  I have some shows coming up so that will be great.  I will have a couple of weeks where I am doing stuff before treatment starts.  Barf.  When I woke up and was so upset, so down I just said to myself "It's okay , of course you feel this way it sucks and it's painful...just use the tools you have all these tools all this stuff to help you to the other side.  It's just discomfort."  So I did my thing.  I prayed and meditated.  Spoke to another survivor of breast cancer.  Talked to a sponsee...took my long Granny walk and talked to another sponsee.  Ate lots of yummy foods and took a shitload of vitamins.  I think the walk helped the most.  The sunshine and the fresh air - the BREATHING.  Yeah.  It clears my head.  I wrote in my journal....wrote some jokes.   Now I'm going to take a shower and I feel somewhat on the other side.  Still a bit heavy and of course so scared.  But I guess I don't have to stay in anything if I don't want to - meaning a feeling either physically, emotionally or spiritually.  That being said - still lonely.  But it's okay I am going to take a shower!  What?  Haha bye.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Oprah Oprah Oprah OPRAH OPRAH OpRaH OPraH oPRAh Oprah Deepak DEEPAK DEEPAK DEEPAK Oprah

I fucking love Oprah.  I have been listening for years now and doing the free guided meditations of Deepak and Oprahs.  The guy also buys them and we listen to them everyday - and meditate.  Okay I have written about it before right?  I think so?  Who knows I can't fucking remember anything anymore.  REGARDLESS - this week one of them blew my mind.  Oprah always speaks first and on this particular day she was talking about the 3 principles that she lives by.  The first is that you need a vision for your life.  What do I want my life to look like?  Without the light of a vision you have nowhere to go.  My words I think not hers.  The second is what is your intention?  This is amazing to me because of my people pleasing AND my fucking passive aggressiveness.  It's twofold - I say yes when I mean no and then I'm fucking pissed about it but also I do nice things when I don't want to and I am exhausted by it AND I go to people who have nothing to give all the fucking time and then judge them.  So what is my intention there?  To be uncomfortable in that way instead of just sitting with myself and my feelings and doing my work.  Okay fine - great realizations and a great principle to truly start to live by - what is my motherfucking intention here?  The third is Newton's Law - in fact Newton's third law which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  When you put out positive - YOU GET POSITIVE BACK.  I know I know that is the most obvious thing in the world but for some reason this week it blew my mind.  If I'm being nice and I don't want to be nice and I'm pissed - that' not actually nice and I AM NOT GETTING NICE BACK.  Aghhhh!  This isn't even about me getting nice back it's about me living more authentically and to stop the passive aggressive, uncomfortable, unmanageable behavior that doesn't serve me and doesn't feel good.  THANK YOU OPRAH AND DEEPAK.

Here's what else I realized this week.  For years I have been trying to "get back my power."  This week while meditating I realized that THAT IS WHERE I GET MY POWER.  MY HIGHER POWER.  Again - duh.  It's the 11th step "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."   Okay well it doesn't say exactly what I am saying but that was what happened while I was seeking this week.  It shifted something in my meditation practice.

NEXT THING.  I love plants I buy tons of plants I kill tons of plants.  For years I have been buying, caring for and killing plants.  I didn't have good light in my apartment so I thought that was it.  It seemed so strange because they would stay alive for the longest time then just start to go.  Well I moved here and brought the plant I hadn't killed yet and my guy started to REPOT THEM.  I thought it was so weird.  Then THEY GREW BIGGER AND STAYED ALIVE!  It took me almost 2 years to remember that the roots of a plant can be as big as the plant itself o it NEEDS A BIG POT but especially if it's growing.  So then I realized I needed a bigger pot.  I need more roots.  I need to heal and I need a bigger God a bigger pot a shit ton more nutrition more light more love A BIGGER POT.  MORE SOIL.  So there you go.  That was my week.  Love you Bluebie byeee.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

and when I'm bad I'm HORRIBLE

Why does there have to be a stupid title for these posts?  It's fucking enraging sometimes and feels totally inauthentic a lot of the time.  I woke up on the wrong side of the mother-fucking bed.  I had such a good day yesterday - I have no idea what happened.  I cried while I was meditating and just kept thinking about this friend who said I was a shitty friend and made me feel awful.  It was AWFUL.  Meaning me thinking about it.  It was just my alcoholism ravaging my brain.  It was also awful when she said I was a shitty friend.  But I have no idea - I mean when my brain is like that I can't know what the truth is.  I am just mired in alcoholic thinking - it's insanity.  It's just the past or the future and it's all negative.  I think part of the problem is that right now I am having these waves of trauma, drama, terror, and something else.  What else?  Well good things.  Seeing how loving and kind people can be - feeling taken care of - realizing this is some sort of opportunity even though it did NOT feel like it today.  I just wake up miserable sometimes anyway, let alone when I have breast cancer and have to have chemo.  It's the alcoholism.  We wake up with a fresh case of it everyday.  Isn't that fucking insane?  Then we have to take care of it.  Prayer, meditation, meetings, phone calls are you TIRED YET?  I have to say if I could do that for my cancer I would in a fucking second.  Well so today I was horrible.  I sat on my phone for a while, stayed grumpy, meditated again - had an idea for a show, cried some more, spoke to a friend, cried some more, ate some yummy food, got myself ready, did some of the breast surgery exercises and then walked for an hour.  Now I finally feel a little better and I am speaking at a meeting tonight.  Ugh it's exhausting.  I just need to keep my hand in God's hand.  It's so hard.  I cut myself off from my higher power all the time.  Can I stay plugged in.  CAN SHE STAY PLUGGED IN???  Why the fuck did that first doctor tell me even if I had some cancer it didn't mean I had cancer?  Whatever he didn't know then what took basically 2 months for them to figure out.  I'm in reality about my situation now.  I just need to get this shit off my chest that's all.  It's fucking sucks.  I am going to fight the good fight, take care of myself the best I can, ask for help and turn as much as I can to God.  but it fucking sucks okay?  It fucking sucks.  Alright anyway I'm going to eat a salad.  And a dick.  No just a salad.  MAYBE A DICK.  If I want to.  Oaky bye.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

DANCES WITH WOLVES

I thought that sounded funny so I wrote it.  Aren't you glad I didn't say banana??  What?  Ugh.  So it was absolutely fucking GORGEOUS out today.  I went to my ladies meeting and I talked with women and I came home, had weird sex with my guy - good sex!  But weird because I am still terrified to shake myself around very much.  I spoke to my therapist.  I have somewhat of a plan trying to get the idea of chemo through my head.  A second opinion.  I don't know.  A woman after the meeting today said to just do it.  Anyway I went and ran a couple of errands, got some groceries, went for a walk and cooked a bunch of food.  I just wanted to enjoy this gorgeous day.  the chemo would be for 5 months.  Holy fucking shit.  What am I going to do for 5 months???  I don't know.  Okay the guy is doing the dishes from all the food I made and it's so loud.  I feel better today, less depressed.  Ugh I can't this is so annoying to me.  HOW CAN I BE ANNOYED AT HIM DOING DISHES???  I just can be that's all.  That's fucking all.  They are my feelings and I'm allowed to have them.  I'm more healed now also.  Not done AT ALL but I am better.  Ugh it's so crazy.  This is so fucking crazy.  I have to go he's driving me fucking nuts.  Byeeeeeee

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

It took a week....

for me to realize how intense my surgery was.  I thought I had a lumpectomy on each side - is that what I wrote?  I have no idea and I'm not sure why I feel the need to clarify whatever I might have written - who gives a fuck - BUT - it's so crazy what the mind does to make something alright in the moment.  I had to sign the form before surgery and she read me exactly what was there while I read it.  It said partial mastectomy with reconstruction.  In my head I was like "Okay that just means lumpectomy.  I can't remember what it said for the other side.  I just remember that.  I t took until yesterday - after a week of healing for me to realize how much more extensive the surgery was on the left side.  I mean the right side I can use fairly well - I can't job or do MUCH but it's okay.  The left side is swollen and it feels displaced and well as a constant level on pain.  So I did some research and realized what was done and more than that I just took in the reality of my situation.  Ugh does this make sense?  Do I sound like I'm full of shit?  How fucking TOTALLY INSANE IS IT THAT I AM WORRIED IF I'M BEING AUTHENTIC IN MY BREAST CANCER?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Jesus Christ.  Okay anyway.  The reconstruction looks kind of bizarre but I think it's still swollen but also - who cares?  There were 4 fucking tumors in me.  I'm so grateful she did the surgery!  This is the craziest  - I don't know - thing ever.  We had some sort of weird sex last night.  It was only weird because I just laid there and haha he tried not to move me at all.  When I came I was like trying to keep it to the lower part of my body - I was so scared it was going to hurt or like burst my incisions.  That probably falls under the "TMI" whatever it's called.  Folder?  Category?  Ugh who cares.  I'm definitely still tired but I am feeling more healed.  I'm going to the doctor today - I'm waiting for the guy to pick me up.  I really have to take this one day at a time.  I saw the kids yesterday and tutored them and that helped so much.  My brother and his wife came to visit too and took us to lunch.  It was exhausting but the love is so healing.  I also got to a meeting yesterday and that REALLY helped.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.