Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Love

is a many splendid thing - love lifts us up where we belong. Remember that from Moulin Rouge?? What a ridiculous movie - although I loooveed it. I haven't written on here in awhile - I miss it. This week has been better and I am less crazy and less beating myself up. I may actually be in a place in my life where I am going to be able to stop beating myself up. I wrote that and then I thought - wow - is that possible?? I don't drink anymore and that's taking a huge self weapon away - for sure. I filmed for Lonny on yesterday and I saw an old friend from comedy and she recommended an author - Thomas Moore - and the book I chose to buy is "Care of The Soul." I n the book so far he keeps talking about loving all aspects of yourself and recognizing that we all have a shadow side. Jung was all about the shadow side - that we have one and we should embrace it and realize that it's okay that we have it. I'm not being very technical here but I am seeing it as a huge sign that it's time for me to actually be nicer to myself. I told Colleen (the old friend) that I am in the program now and that I was a real mess 11 months ago. And she said that she is so proud of me and thinks it's so great and was so kind and sweet and supportive. Well then she said the most amazing thing - she said that I need to be nice to that girl who was so sick - to feel for her and love her. How sweet is that?? I'm not sure to be honest if those were her exact words but I can tell you this - I needed to hear her words like that. I need the permission to be nice to myself and love myself totally. And when I went to therapy I was able to discuss with my therapist what happened the week before and the conclusion we came to is that - not only do I have trouble saying no but I don't say no because I am afraid of being left. Oye yoi yoi. What the heck?? And she also said that it was good that I was mad and that I told her I was upset. Also she said I have every right to be upset when I am - and being blown off at the last minute is upsetting. She also said of course I get mad when I do something I don't want to when I am compromising my plans and then I end up paying for someone's food. SO FUCKING RUDE. Do I not want to get mad because I still want them to lie me?? What the fuck is that? I'm tired - I really am. Once again a person from the program - I went to where they wanted to go - did what they wanted and then they left and didn't pay enough money. But here's whatI just realized - I don't let it go. And I let it happen over and over till I'm so enraged and don't want to EVER see that person and I also then talk about them behind their back. WAY TOO MUCH WORK!!! Fuck that. Of course I'm mad. But yes - I can let it go and now I know how they are. That other girl I can't even look in the eye - she's so crazy. But if I just let go early on and was like - okay - she has some things to work out and her behavior upsets me and I would rather not be upset - so I 'm not going to hang with her. Especially when I don't want to do what she wants to do anyway. Wow - right. It always starts with me not wanting to do what is proposed to me. I am getting to a place where I want to eat healthier food and spend less money. JEEZ. I can say no and the people will still be there. Then maybe I wouldn't hate them. What? This is me being healthier!!!!!! Hahahahahaaaaa - ohh. Anyway - I love you. I hope to write more soon. I'm going to a show tomorrow night so I hope to get inspired and least wildly entertained!!! I heart you blueberry blog.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I feel like puking

Today was horrendous. Things went very, very badly at therapy. It was awful. I was late and when I got there I needed to use the bathroom and while I was in there a girl started banging around in one of the other rooms - kind of scarily so - and screaming she hated herself. Well - that was awful - so I go in - I pay my therapist and she right away wants to understand what happened on Thursday. Well - okay - you blew me off. She then wants to why I would get so upset - why does it go to such a bad place. I tell her everything I know - I treid to be honest and I was upset because when I left Stan gives me a copy of the rug cleaning bill which is 600 dollars. Cheaper than a new rug he says all excited. Um - not in my world Stan and just so you know I don't think I'm getting a bargain here - I don't HAVE that money. Add YOU to the list of things I have to pay for when I didn't want the rug in my room. But it's my fault - absolutel - I want to pay or it but it was upsetting. And I had to babysit tonight for my niece and I love her - so much but I'm upset. Did I get to talk about any of this? NO. We just talk about how confused she is as a therapist and how she doesn't understand what is happening. Then she says - "What should we do about your coming twice a week?" Then I lost it. Are you fucking kidding me? Forget it and I don't want to go back anymore. I don't trust her now. And she looked mad when I was leaving - concerned mad maybe? I don't know. What's the point? I don't understand what is happening. It's not as simple as I'm making it and she tried to say that I need to trust her more if I really want to go twice a week - something like that. This is what botheredme though. She also said that - I tried to come twice a week last year or so ago and it didn't work and now this rime there seems to be a problem. And that she didn't understand why. Okay - are you fucking kidding me? I felt like - are you saying it's a sign?? WELL THEN FORGET IT. Christ. She kept asking what she sould do and I HAVE NO IDEA I AM NOT A THERAPIST. I have major trust issues - I hate being around people (although for the record I love people I just get tired so quickly around them) and she blew me off. Or SO it seemed. And so it felt. One time years ago she totally forgot about me. I just sat and sat and sat. Finally someone came and told me she wasn't coming. Or that's how I remember it. Either way she absolutely forgot about me that time. And honestly - what is the point? why should I keep going and talking to her? Nothing has changed - except now I don't do anything I love to do and I'm really fat. And now I feel all this pressure - this expectation to have some answer - some understanding and I don't have it. She told me to come twice - we talked about it - I showed up because I really wanted to be consistant and she blew me off at the last minute. Well - oh well I'm upset and I feel done - now YOU tell me what's wrong because YOU are the therapist. Am I self destructing? How? I didn't make this happen - she did. And now somehow I feel to blame for something I didn't cause. What the fuck. I was so upset - I cried in the bathroom and then I had to go get my niece. I was so depressed. And for some reason the guy downstairs keeps wanting to talk and I don't want to. He's lonely I think? I don't know - it's too much. I'm a mess and I think he wants to know where I go when I leave and I don't want him to know because he will tell Stan. Actually he probably just wants vompany and I can't handle it. I don't feel safe down there and I just want to be alone. And it always feels like he's interviewing me and eventually he's going to made a loud gong noise and be like "NO - nope don't feel tha tway - don't think that - just do this man - it's cool." And well - I don't know maybe he just wants to be friends and have someone to chat with. Well I have nothing to give. I'm sorry. I feel wrong all the tie and the less I interact with people the less I'm wrong at least with other people. Now I feel wrong in therapy. She said - well what about next Mondat then? And I was like okay - I am freaked out now - you are a nice woman but I don't know what to tell you - now I feel really pressured and I don't know what to tell you. You tell me what to do - you are the therapist. I felt backed into a corner and attacked. She said to come back on Monday. I don't want someone to tell me how to feel or not to but I would like my therapist to say keep coming to your sessions. I'm going crazy. This is too much. I miss drinking. I miss smoking pot. I woke up depressed. Once again at the bottom.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Friday, July 16, 2010

A new day

and the birds are chirpping. Perhaps chirping - thinking that I don't know how to spell that sends me into a tailspin of self-hate and rage at my life. I slept okay enough - I'm reading a book that is adorable so that's fun. I have been putting on the air before I go to bed so it helps me sleep. I haven't had to take the melatonin for 2 nights - although I also went to bed super late both nights soooo. Well - I wish I could say I feel better but I don't - maybe a little. I guess I just hate myself and all the intense feelings I'm having. I tried to make a few phone calls last night but no one answered. James seems to have blown me off. I called him last night and the night before. He never called back either. I'm still upset about my therapist - I rell want to self destruct. Yup. Wow - at least I wrote that - that's the truth. I also am going to work tonight and that is good. I'm working all 3 shows and thank goodness because I need the money. I have my cell phone, student loan and rent. And all of them are due right now. Wait - no - just the cell phone and the student loan. So - oh also my niece is here with her father and they called me yesterday to tell me they were coming for the weekend. Why do people do that? It's the worst weekend for me to try to visit with family. I'm a mess. Emotional, hormonal, just depressed and in my 11th month of sobriety. Which to say is unpleasant is total bullshit. I'm MISERABLE and I'm feeling soooo sorry for myself AND I have no energy AND I am in a no place place in my life. Okay - I am so grateful to Bruno (that's what I'm calling him) last night - he chatted with me on facebook. We go way back - 12 years. He was really sweet and he is so supportive of me being sober. Then he put up a video of Ingrid Michaelson's song Everybody for me to watch - said it would make me happy. It is such a cute song and it felt like he sent me flowers. Or gave me one. But in a really sweet way. Anyway - of course the video also made me jealous because she's playing the ukulele in it and I feel like I brought the ukulele tot he surface of the performing world. That's what I played in the band with my ex-husband. And by played I mean strummed and barley and I'm still not very good. And she's OUT there. Oh - I just really hope this gets better. I can't be this ridiculous my whole life. I feel like somehow she took something from me. OH - OKAY - SURE - INGRID MICHAELSON TOOK THE UKULELE FROM ME AND WENT ON RACHELRAY AND DID A SONG I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF BUT MAYBE I COULD HAVE WRITTEN. Complete and total insanity. Oh boy - so - thank God no one is reading this or they would stop. Please lord help me to get better - to stay sober through these next couple of months. A month and a half - that's all. Just a month and a half and I will be at one year and things will change. And maybe my art will change or what I want to do. Help me to help myself please. I have things to do this weekend besides work so that is good. I will try to see my niece also - although she's with her father and he is the last person I want to hang out with. My back hurts and I need a shower. It's getting late - I need to leave by 4. Whenever I look at the dog she wags her tail - it's so cute - so sweet. Okay - well - wish me luck on this day. I'm nervous about work. But at least my sections are good ones so that's okay. How is this my life? I'm totally depressed - divorced, sore ankles, fat, tired, alcoholic slash drug addict and I'm worried about going to this shitty job where people treat me like a bag of garbage. A bag of stupid garbage. Oh boy - well - it's 90 degrees so that's good. Maybe I will have something fun to say when I get back from wrok. Love - Your friend - the miserable blog writer.

My therapist blew me off today.

Yup - I got there a little bit early and she called and told me "Something has come up and could I reschedule for 7:15 later." This is at 2:45. Um - no - and go fuck yourself - now I never want to go back. What the fuck is that? She TOLD me I should be going more and I wanted to cancel today but I did not. I was so mad - and I left her a message and said that I was upset and that I didn't want to go on Thursdays anymore and then I'm going to call her and tell her I don't want to go at all anymore. What's the point? I'm miserable and it felt like she forgot and it also felt like she didn't have time for me on Thursdays anyway. I have to go to sleep. Whay a shitty day and I had my shirt on backwards and I was SooooOOOOssssoooooOOOoo fucking depressed today. Horrible. This is so bad. I have pms and I think that I'm never going to feel better. Inever HAVE so why is it going to start now? I have been going to her for 8 mother fucking years and she just forgot about me. And she never called me back again. Oh right because I'm supposed to SAY - "Please call me back so I can tell you off" and THEN she would call me. Whatever. Please let me get through work and this meeting tomorrow. Bye for angry now.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What a day

And what I really mean is late afternoon, early evening. I was awoken this morning by my landlord playing the VER loud and VERY asian instrument that he plays at 9:30a.m. This was after being awoken by the guests staying here at the bed and breakfast slammng doors and yelling at each other from 2 feet away at 8 a.m. At one point one of them sneezed and dropped what sounded like her make-up brushes and then somehow this combo of things made the door slam. I was completely annoyed but I also thought it was funny which made it even more confusing. THEN I fell asleep because they left and then at 9:30 for an hour with the door open and all the passion in him he played that fucking hideous instrument. Finally I got up and slammed my door (after opening it) as loud as I could and then I slamed the toilet seat down (which I had to put up) and then blasted Ke$ha. Which is horrendous music all on it's own but it was better than listening to him. It's his house and I get it about the guests - for sure. They are staying at a hotel and when people stay at hotels they are loud. But he is so fucking rude - there is just one big open stairway and he had the door wide open. Go downstairs into the kitchen area - and shut the doors and I wouldn't hear it at all. Or wait until - I don't know when. Then Danny called me - that was weird - and I drank some coffee and fell back to sleep. Till 2 in the afternoon which is horrendous. So that's where the "what a weird afternoon and evening came in." Sometimes my landlord comes home at 2 in the morning and starts playing that thing. Honestly it's pretty and I'm being half honest because I think he might read this somehow and I don't want him to get mad. What??? That is so crazy. Well anyway - if it didn't wake me up and I wasn't hearing it through earplugs - it would be fine. Then at 2 p.m. the kid who lives in the basement started playing the piano for an hour or so and I thought I was going to lose my mind. He also plays well but it's so fucking annoying. And you know why it's probably all so annoying to me? Because I don't feel like I can express myself ever. I so do not. I wish i could paint more but they would be in here looking at my stuff. At least Stan would be. That's what I'm calling my land lord. Stan. Hahahaa. That makes me laugh. Stan. Oh - I have an uncle named that. Who cares. Anyway I feel trapped here - creatively and they are all OVER it. It's also why his weirdo sex trists bother me. Because I'm not having sex. Well - that is my own doing. I am sick of being a victim blueberry blog. I was about to go there and you know what? Fuck it. No way. Not going to do it. I'm not a victim - I'm an angry alcoholic (who is sober thank you very much) who has not quite found her way. But I'm finding it and I have some really great people in my life. And they are helping me to find myself and my way. After talking to E on the phone tonight he said what do you like? I like to read and write and I want an apartment here and a house on the beach in Ct. near my parents. And in both places I want to be able to cook and have a clean, happy life. And I want to be able to paint and write and dance and walk and swim. Dogs and cats also. Perhaps a boyfriend and a baby? Whoa - I don't know about that. I need to do the first part first. Jeez. It would be so fun to wrie a children's book and paint the paintings for it. They are so invasive here it's revolting. Even my journals I feel like they have read. Ugh - who cares - I can figure something out. Can I? Why not??? Then a friend I wrote to today told me to focus on the little things. So I took Frenchie for a walk and I got some soda water and after both those little walks I felt better. Oh - I said the name of my dog. Well I'm sure lots of people have dogs with those names. That name. Right - who grew up on a farm and live in a bed and breakfast in Harlem. Who knows maybe there are a few of us. Oh WOW I am loving writing this so much!!! I am going to really try to fix my hair now. I have some serious almost 3 inch roots. Okay - I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! What a brilliant idea to blog. My mother would like this also. Hahahahhaaa - how long has this been happening - 8 years?? I'm on IT. Anyway I'm grateful. Let's do this again tomorrow. I love you blue.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Here I go

I have realized that I am really in this now. I am redoing my life. Maybe it's re-doing - I don't know. What do I like? I'm afraid to even say and I feel selfish for even asking. Jesus - I am so hard on myself it's so ridiculous and so sad. I love to read and I love to write. I love to write jokes and music mostly. Sketches too - I enjoyed writing those. I love the beach and sunshine and I love people, food, animals and food. Oh I said that. Hahahhaaa - big sigh. I feel crazy - I really do. My foot has a huge blister on it - no WAY am I working on it so I took thursday off from work also. Who cares?? I can't care right now - I need to heal. What the heck - this is so hard to write on here - I feel so all over the place and dishonest. Maybe dishonest isn't correct - unclear. I feel very unclear. Yes - and silly perhaps and juvenile. Well I have no idea if I spelled that correctly either!! I adore writing - it has saved me so many times. I kept doing it through all of this. For 5 years I kept writing in journals while my life and career slipped away. Let's face it - the career needed to go away and my family is still here and they never left so the first part of that statement is RIDICULOUS!! Yes indeed. Okay - soooooooo. So I feel like I need to heal my inner child. Oh boy is that hard to say. And I need to learn how to be okay with what I love to do. Something huge is happening inside of me. And I guess I just need to nurture it along. How do I heal my inner child? How does that happen? I wrote 2 jokes. One today and one yesterday. I also wrote part of a song today. And I am writing on here and then I will be writing in my journal before bed. Now I need to READ also. Stephen King says you can't do one without the other. Guess what else blog?? I joined a writing group!!!! And the ladies seem really nice. And it's just ladies so that is AWESOME. Yup - found it on here. I tried to go to another blog to read up more (not on here) but I had no f-ing idea what was going on so I just - left it. This is my point - I get this blog sight and I love the other group sight I joined. It kind of seems like facebook for chick writers. Cool. I love pretty things and colors and flowers. I also ADORE science and I guess I have no idea what to do with any of this information. I'm just going to keep writing. Do you as I wrote that I was like yup - there you go. That's the only thing that makes sense. Jokes, songs and blogs. And journals!!! I just need to get stuff out of me. Okay - well cool - aweome - that is one direction I am going in. Writing. How fabulous. Well I am excited now!!!! And sleepy - it's 2:07 a.m. I LOVE you new blog in my life. One day soon I will introduce you to my friends. Or at least one day. Bye for only a little while blue.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Oh boy

That meeting was hard to go to. Then I went to the little memorial set up for him and it was so sad - so upsetting. I'm having a little what's it all mean - what's the point thing happening. I'm sitting on my energy and I feel gross. Fat - nasty. I was also upset that the cute guy who I like wasn't there - but then again - thank GOD he wasn't - it was so painful and awkward as it was. Then the girl sitting next to me - oh - she had bad breath. I LOVe her - she is so sweet but her breath is horrendous. Jesus - what a douche I am. Oh DEAR. And I did nothing towards being a comedian and now I don't want to anymore. WHAT?? I don't want to do ANYTHING and it feels like no onw will ever love me. I haven't had real sex - like super hot, loving awesome sex in YEARS. Seriously. This is what it feels like - that I'm never going to have a boyfriend until I find happiness in my career and all I want is a boyfriend but I can't have that. Oh also I get angry whenever I DO have a boyfriend. And I have to go back to work and I'm angry about that. Soso sossssssooooossosososososososososossssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry. And I'm in my head and I'm being a dick. I am - I gave some huge black guy attitude today on my way to the meeting. Really?? that's a great idea. I don't understand what is happening. I wanted to do my hair and my nails and toes tonight but I feel like - what's the point??? Who cares?? This is not good. I need to pray. I am going to do that. Thanks for listening. Keep on keeping on blueberry blog.

Blueberries are high in.....

antioxidants!! Hooray!! And it's National Blueberry Month. And I feel better. I haven't been working and it has been heavenly. I went to my parents house for a week and it was really fun and inexpensive yet so so abundant. I am still limping around and it doesn't really seem to be healing - my foot. Oh weait - I never told you that I have achilles tendonitis. Yup - I do!! That's why I haven't been working. That and the fact that I needed a vacation so much it was ridiculous. It was also my birthday and oh boy. I haven't written here in awhile and I am freaking out. I'm just gushing and all over the place. Just like the oil spill. NOT FUNNY!! Jeez - what a terrible joke. I saw my best friend and spent time with her in her beautiful house and pool and kids. I also spent time with my sister and her kids and her hubbies family. It was my parents anniversary and parties for the 4th of July. Doesn't sound so restful but it was. Last night I came home after my haircut and cut my hair more - 4 times. I had to flush the toilet 4 times from how much hair I threw in it. People just give up when they are cutting my hair - so annoying. I think I like it now though. Although it might look a tiny bit like I cut it myself. Which is cool right?? RIGHT??? Who cares - I am less hot but I still have TONS of hair. So I heard some sad news about a guy from my meeting at night. He fell from his window and died. Nothing funny about that. It really made my stupid haircut seem like nothing. I feel so bad for his wife and family. Life is so hard but I am so happy I have this program now. I know this seems weird - I'm all over the place. I need to go to get in the shower but here's the other thing. I want to perform again. I miss it. I need to start to take care of that. Hmmm. One action everday. I think today I will call to set up one show. I want to go see his memorial that is set up. Maybe I can find a flower and put it there. I need to wash my hair. I am going to come back tonight and write more. I love you and I missed you blog!!! Look at you - right here being wonderful and waiting for me. I love that so much. Go blueberries!!!!