A new day

and the birds are chirpping. Perhaps chirping - thinking that I don't know how to spell that sends me into a tailspin of self-hate and rage at my life. I slept okay enough - I'm reading a book that is adorable so that's fun. I have been putting on the air before I go to bed so it helps me sleep. I haven't had to take the melatonin for 2 nights - although I also went to bed super late both nights soooo. Well - I wish I could say I feel better but I don't - maybe a little. I guess I just hate myself and all the intense feelings I'm having. I tried to make a few phone calls last night but no one answered. James seems to have blown me off. I called him last night and the night before. He never called back either. I'm still upset about my therapist - I rell want to self destruct. Yup. Wow - at least I wrote that - that's the truth. I also am going to work tonight and that is good. I'm working all 3 shows and thank goodness because I need the money. I have my cell phone, student loan and rent. And all of them are due right now. Wait - no - just the cell phone and the student loan. So - oh also my niece is here with her father and they called me yesterday to tell me they were coming for the weekend. Why do people do that? It's the worst weekend for me to try to visit with family. I'm a mess. Emotional, hormonal, just depressed and in my 11th month of sobriety. Which to say is unpleasant is total bullshit. I'm MISERABLE and I'm feeling soooo sorry for myself AND I have no energy AND I am in a no place place in my life. Okay - I am so grateful to Bruno (that's what I'm calling him) last night - he chatted with me on facebook. We go way back - 12 years. He was really sweet and he is so supportive of me being sober. Then he put up a video of Ingrid Michaelson's song Everybody for me to watch - said it would make me happy. It is such a cute song and it felt like he sent me flowers. Or gave me one. But in a really sweet way. Anyway - of course the video also made me jealous because she's playing the ukulele in it and I feel like I brought the ukulele tot he surface of the performing world. That's what I played in the band with my ex-husband. And by played I mean strummed and barley and I'm still not very good. And she's OUT there. Oh - I just really hope this gets better. I can't be this ridiculous my whole life. I feel like somehow she took something from me. OH - OKAY - SURE - INGRID MICHAELSON TOOK THE UKULELE FROM ME AND WENT ON RACHELRAY AND DID A SONG I HAVE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF BUT MAYBE I COULD HAVE WRITTEN. Complete and total insanity. Oh boy - so - thank God no one is reading this or they would stop. Please lord help me to get better - to stay sober through these next couple of months. A month and a half - that's all. Just a month and a half and I will be at one year and things will change. And maybe my art will change or what I want to do. Help me to help myself please. I have things to do this weekend besides work so that is good. I will try to see my niece also - although she's with her father and he is the last person I want to hang out with. My back hurts and I need a shower. It's getting late - I need to leave by 4. Whenever I look at the dog she wags her tail - it's so cute - so sweet. Okay - well - wish me luck on this day. I'm nervous about work. But at least my sections are good ones so that's okay. How is this my life? I'm totally depressed - divorced, sore ankles, fat, tired, alcoholic slash drug addict and I'm worried about going to this shitty job where people treat me like a bag of garbage. A bag of stupid garbage. Oh boy - well - it's 90 degrees so that's good. Maybe I will have something fun to say when I get back from wrok. Love - Your friend - the miserable blog writer.