I feel like puking

Today was horrendous. Things went very, very badly at therapy. It was awful. I was late and when I got there I needed to use the bathroom and while I was in there a girl started banging around in one of the other rooms - kind of scarily so - and screaming she hated herself. Well - that was awful - so I go in - I pay my therapist and she right away wants to understand what happened on Thursday. Well - okay - you blew me off. She then wants to why I would get so upset - why does it go to such a bad place. I tell her everything I know - I treid to be honest and I was upset because when I left Stan gives me a copy of the rug cleaning bill which is 600 dollars. Cheaper than a new rug he says all excited. Um - not in my world Stan and just so you know I don't think I'm getting a bargain here - I don't HAVE that money. Add YOU to the list of things I have to pay for when I didn't want the rug in my room. But it's my fault - absolutel - I want to pay or it but it was upsetting. And I had to babysit tonight for my niece and I love her - so much but I'm upset. Did I get to talk about any of this? NO. We just talk about how confused she is as a therapist and how she doesn't understand what is happening. Then she says - "What should we do about your coming twice a week?" Then I lost it. Are you fucking kidding me? Forget it and I don't want to go back anymore. I don't trust her now. And she looked mad when I was leaving - concerned mad maybe? I don't know. What's the point? I don't understand what is happening. It's not as simple as I'm making it and she tried to say that I need to trust her more if I really want to go twice a week - something like that. This is what botheredme though. She also said that - I tried to come twice a week last year or so ago and it didn't work and now this rime there seems to be a problem. And that she didn't understand why. Okay - are you fucking kidding me? I felt like - are you saying it's a sign?? WELL THEN FORGET IT. Christ. She kept asking what she sould do and I HAVE NO IDEA I AM NOT A THERAPIST. I have major trust issues - I hate being around people (although for the record I love people I just get tired so quickly around them) and she blew me off. Or SO it seemed. And so it felt. One time years ago she totally forgot about me. I just sat and sat and sat. Finally someone came and told me she wasn't coming. Or that's how I remember it. Either way she absolutely forgot about me that time. And honestly - what is the point? why should I keep going and talking to her? Nothing has changed - except now I don't do anything I love to do and I'm really fat. And now I feel all this pressure - this expectation to have some answer - some understanding and I don't have it. She told me to come twice - we talked about it - I showed up because I really wanted to be consistant and she blew me off at the last minute. Well - oh well I'm upset and I feel done - now YOU tell me what's wrong because YOU are the therapist. Am I self destructing? How? I didn't make this happen - she did. And now somehow I feel to blame for something I didn't cause. What the fuck. I was so upset - I cried in the bathroom and then I had to go get my niece. I was so depressed. And for some reason the guy downstairs keeps wanting to talk and I don't want to. He's lonely I think? I don't know - it's too much. I'm a mess and I think he wants to know where I go when I leave and I don't want him to know because he will tell Stan. Actually he probably just wants vompany and I can't handle it. I don't feel safe down there and I just want to be alone. And it always feels like he's interviewing me and eventually he's going to made a loud gong noise and be like "NO - nope don't feel tha tway - don't think that - just do this man - it's cool." And well - I don't know maybe he just wants to be friends and have someone to chat with. Well I have nothing to give. I'm sorry. I feel wrong all the tie and the less I interact with people the less I'm wrong at least with other people. Now I feel wrong in therapy. She said - well what about next Mondat then? And I was like okay - I am freaked out now - you are a nice woman but I don't know what to tell you - now I feel really pressured and I don't know what to tell you. You tell me what to do - you are the therapist. I felt backed into a corner and attacked. She said to come back on Monday. I don't want someone to tell me how to feel or not to but I would like my therapist to say keep coming to your sessions. I'm going crazy. This is too much. I miss drinking. I miss smoking pot. I woke up depressed. Once again at the bottom.