Love

is a many splendid thing - love lifts us up where we belong. Remember that from Moulin Rouge?? What a ridiculous movie - although I loooveed it. I haven't written on here in awhile - I miss it. This week has been better and I am less crazy and less beating myself up. I may actually be in a place in my life where I am going to be able to stop beating myself up. I wrote that and then I thought - wow - is that possible?? I don't drink anymore and that's taking a huge self weapon away - for sure. I filmed for Lonny on yesterday and I saw an old friend from comedy and she recommended an author - Thomas Moore - and the book I chose to buy is "Care of The Soul." I n the book so far he keeps talking about loving all aspects of yourself and recognizing that we all have a shadow side. Jung was all about the shadow side - that we have one and we should embrace it and realize that it's okay that we have it. I'm not being very technical here but I am seeing it as a huge sign that it's time for me to actually be nicer to myself. I told Colleen (the old friend) that I am in the program now and that I was a real mess 11 months ago. And she said that she is so proud of me and thinks it's so great and was so kind and sweet and supportive. Well then she said the most amazing thing - she said that I need to be nice to that girl who was so sick - to feel for her and love her. How sweet is that?? I'm not sure to be honest if those were her exact words but I can tell you this - I needed to hear her words like that. I need the permission to be nice to myself and love myself totally. And when I went to therapy I was able to discuss with my therapist what happened the week before and the conclusion we came to is that - not only do I have trouble saying no but I don't say no because I am afraid of being left. Oye yoi yoi. What the heck?? And she also said that it was good that I was mad and that I told her I was upset. Also she said I have every right to be upset when I am - and being blown off at the last minute is upsetting. She also said of course I get mad when I do something I don't want to when I am compromising my plans and then I end up paying for someone's food. SO FUCKING RUDE. Do I not want to get mad because I still want them to lie me?? What the fuck is that? I'm tired - I really am. Once again a person from the program - I went to where they wanted to go - did what they wanted and then they left and didn't pay enough money. But here's whatI just realized - I don't let it go. And I let it happen over and over till I'm so enraged and don't want to EVER see that person and I also then talk about them behind their back. WAY TOO MUCH WORK!!! Fuck that. Of course I'm mad. But yes - I can let it go and now I know how they are. That other girl I can't even look in the eye - she's so crazy. But if I just let go early on and was like - okay - she has some things to work out and her behavior upsets me and I would rather not be upset - so I 'm not going to hang with her. Especially when I don't want to do what she wants to do anyway. Wow - right. It always starts with me not wanting to do what is proposed to me. I am getting to a place where I want to eat healthier food and spend less money. JEEZ. I can say no and the people will still be there. Then maybe I wouldn't hate them. What? This is me being healthier!!!!!! Hahahahahaaaaa - ohh. Anyway - I love you. I hope to write more soon. I'm going to a show tomorrow night so I hope to get inspired and least wildly entertained!!! I heart you blueberry blog.