Tuesday, May 30, 2017

PMS x Dead Dad (Anxiety + Low Self-Esteem) = Barf

Is that even a proper math equation?  What?  I'm a mess.  Yesterday was the last time I saw my father and when I woke up yesterday I felt like 1000 pounds.  I made it though the day somehow.  I cleaned the kitchen and I cooked.  I meditated 3 times.  I did yoga and I went to a meeting.  Okay.  OKAY.  I just spoke to my sponsor - no what?  Oh my fucking God.  I mean I spoke to my therapist.  Thank fucking God I have her.  I spoke to an AA friend this morning and she said I should go to therapy since the anniversary of my father is coming up and so it will be a difficult time for me.  I was like "Oh I have never STOPPED going to therapy - for 15 years!"  Haha - oh man how fucking nuts do I sound that I don't even seem like I go to therapy?  Ah it's okay.  She said to be nice to myself, my therapist.  To not beat myself up like I have done something wrong.  Do you know that's what the snake doctor says all the time too.  And I feel weird about my sponsor and my therapist said it's just me repeating patterns, repeating relationships, transferring stuff trying to work something out.  I feel sick to my stomach.  This is what I realized just now speaking to my therapist.......No one is trying to hurt me - no one is trying to be malevolent or unkind or hurtful - that's not what is happening.  My sponsor isn't trying to be harsh and she is doing the best she can.  It's so weird how much she reminds me of my father.  So fucking bizarre.  Or not.  I suppose that makes totally sense.  OKAY enough of this!  I have to do some writing.  We have the podcast tonight and I need to write something for it.  Jesus this is going to be a hard month.  I will feel better probably after I don't have PMS anymore.  I can take care of myself and be gentle with myself.  OR I can try at least.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Home drinking coffee....

I just got home and it's 11:11 pm.  I drove into the city and did my show and drove back.  I'm not writing what I want to write why?  I don't know why?  This is what I want to say....I am being attacked by alcoholism and grief.  The combination is making me think and say horrible things about me to myself.  It's so crazy.  They aren't true things.  At least I don't think they are.  I don't know - my perspective is OFF.  Off-kilter.  Not okay.  Christ.  This is why I wish I could go to a meeting every day.  Although I spent almost every day at a meeting for years and I was still a fucking psychopath.  Now I have just learned that I am probably being attacked by alcoholism and that I don't have to believe horrible things I am saying to myself about myself.  I wish the voices were separate.  It all seems like the same voice in my head - my voice.  That one time I had the brain click I could really feel a difference - that the thought was coming from a separate place and it wasn't really.  I could FEEL it.  But right now the voice just feels like my voice and it's saying - you know what I wrote it and then I deleted it because I just don't want to have it in writing.  I am so fucking lonely.  I feel alone and people aren't going to help with that.  Coffee is going to help with that. Haha.  They haven't sent me on any auditions lately and I am so happy.  I am over trying to get into commercials. I GIVE UP - it's not for me.  Anyway maybe they give up too - that would be great.  Yeah so I am lonely but I don't want to be around people.  I don't know I feel disappointed by people.  This is not a good time for me to be thinking about people either.  If the alcoholism is telling me awful things about myself then I am guessing whatever it is telling me about other people is probably wrong also.  Incorrect?  Untrue?  Untoward?  I love that word - untoward.  That's a sexy word - untoward.  Is that the alcoholism too?  I don't think I actually know what that word means.  I think it must mean anal....no probably not.  Hmmmmmm - what rhymes with untoward?  Forward.  BORING.  TIME FOR A POEM:

I went for a walk around the lake
I walked and I walked till I saw a big cake
What's that I said with surprise and glee!
It's a cake on a lake and it's just for me!
As I got closer and closer my mind went all crazy
It wasn't a cake, it was - A LADY!
She was wearing frosting and shaped quite round
It was a fat lady frosted by the lake I had found!
Now what in the world was I to do
On my walk around the lake with nothing to prove...
I decided indeed I wasn't involved, with the lady cake lady
Indeed - not at all.
So on round the lake I walked and I walked.....
Till the sun rose above me at 5:30 o'clock......

Grief.

The anniversary of my father dying is coming up and I am just broken hearted.  I feel sick today and just - ugh - upset.  How could I not be?  I almost started to smile a little bit - maybe?  When I wrote that I was upset because OF COURSE I am upset.  It's like I'm trying to downplay it or not what?  Really say what I am feeling because it seems like I shouldn't be so upset.  But I am.  I am heart broken and I miss him so much I can't even believe it.  There is really something missing from their house and the farm - it's palpable - to me at least the fact that he isn't there.  There is a warmth missing now and I can't believe I didn't realize it was his warmth.  I feel so fucking sick.  I haven't been feeling good since Saturday after I did a 5th step with my AA sponsor.  A 5th step is where you tell your sponsor all your resentments and then they pick out your character defects and ITS SO FUN.  Jesus I had to fall asleep for 30 minutes after we did it.  I wasn't feeling very good after that but this has been creeping up on me that Memorial Day was the last time I saw him and it's just fucking awful.  Today it just really hit me and I got so upset.  Fuck.  This is why people don't feel their feelings - IT HURTS.  I really love capitals don't I?  Anyway I also feel so lonely.  These days at home I often feel so lonely which is confusing because if someone showed up to talk I would feel invaded.  I guess I am just not going to feel well that's all.  I called the guy this morning because I couldn't stop crying and he was so nice - so kind.  He has lost both his parents and has had a long time to heal.  I can't believe how wonderful he is and now I am crying again.  I am so grateful for him - I tell him all the time - it's just - I don't know.  I don't know what the words are but I guess it's such a blessing.  I never say that.  Ugh barf I feel so sick.  Jesus I usually want to eat my feelings but I have actually lost my appetite.  That's grief.  Haha sort of and barf again.  What am I supposed to do?  I feel lost.  I have a show tonight and I have lost my drive.  I am going to write a little bit - maybe if I have a plan I can just stick to that and just - do it.  This is life right?  I don't know - I miss my father and of course I feel so upset.  It's okay.....I don't have to do life perfect today.  I don't have to drink or eat my way through this.  I can just feel sick and it's okay.  That is grief I guess.  I miss my mother too -  I feel in a way I have somewhat lost her as well....I can't imagine what she's feeling now.  Gross.  Well this must be fun to read.  I wrote that and started to cry.  Why?  I don't know.  Oh God I am so glad I am not drinking or doing drugs - how can you ever process something like that?  I guess normal people can - oh fuck - it would take decades to heal from this.  Am I masturbating emotionally?  Or am I just feeling my feelings?  Um I don't know.  Hahahahaa - what?  Whatver I don't feel good.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Sobriety.

Let's see......years ago - I mean decades ago really - I wanted to live a healthy life.  A sober life.  This isn't going to make sense completely.  I mean I knew I would never be able to be truly happy or fulfilled if I was using and I don't even mean because drugs and alcohol are bad (although they are for me) but because it clouded everything and disconnected me from my Source.  Wait for it there's more.  Also I just could never - what am I trying to say.....I couldn't keep my thinking and my perception straight and clear.  I didn't understand it the way I am beginning to understand it now but as soon as I picked up even one drink my perception became skewed.  It was then this tug-of-war all the time with trying to keep my perception from the dark side.  I don't think I can really articulate this but I just had an innate desire to live a sober life and I don't just mean free of drugs and alcohol - I mean free of the ism in my head.  Also in my heart and soul.  I am so grateful today that I have so many tools to help me through the day and allow me to live a mentally sober life.  That's it!  I wanted to live a sober MENTAL life all those decades ago but I didn't know what that meant.  It feels almost pointless in a way - writing this because it's only one day at a time.  That's all I have.  I can't be like "I am sober now forever!!  I have a better brain now!!  I changed the grooves in my brain I'm all better!!"  I'm not all better.  I just have a way of being better today.  ISNT THAT FUCKING CRAZY.  Holy fuck.  What a thing to wrap my alcoholic brain around.  Fucking nuts.  It's also a relief.  I get so ahead of myself and I am not good at managing my time - so to try and figure out the rest of my life is CRAZY TOWN.  I feel like this sounds nuts and maybe it does and I don't care.  I'm grateful and for today I am so fucking relieved I'm not using.  All I have to do is get through today not using.  Go to that comedy club and not use.  Do my job, hopefully learn something and take myself home.  Try not to eat gluten. Haha.  Anyway I have to go - love you Bluebie byeee.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Mother's Day.

We went to the farm and oh it was hard.  I mean it was beautiful and I'm so grateful my guy loves my family so that it's a joy to go there but it was so hard without my father.  I just can't believe it.  How is it going to be a year soon?  His birthday is coming up and it's heartbreaking.  Oh life - it's so fucking tender isn't it?  Do I always say that?  Ugh.  Anyway it's a beautiful day out....I went and got the kids and their internet was down so we went outside and flew kites.  Haha they couldn't do their homework because of no internet.  So anyway now I'm home and it's nice and sunny in my kitchen and I am about to eat dinner.  I'm going to a meeting with my guy and I can't wait.  I also can't wait to get into bed.  It was a long week.  I had shows, and the podcast and then our podcast was ON a podcast - haha.  I also did another one of those TV shows - the reenactment ones?  Holy shit - it was the opposite of working on that movie!  But I did it.  Oh boy.....my acting teacher is turning 95.  I'm so afraid he's going to go!  I don't want him to.  He's having a birthday party in the park - I have to go right?  I need to eat dinner.  I'm feeling so nostalgic and sentimental.  A little too much so I think.  I'm grateful..,,,my life is growing.  It's terrifying.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Dream about my father....

I dreamed last night that he went to the doctor and we were at my parents house on the farm.....I jokingly asked if he was going to be okay - if he was going to live and he said no....no they said I am going to die.  He said it surprised a little bit but mostly just matter of fact and maybe a tiny bit - just annoyed?  And then he was gone.  Then I was walking around looking for him and I couldn't believe he died or that he was gone.  I kept thinking to myself  "really just like that he's gone?  He's not here anymore?"  It was awful.  Then I sort of woke up in the dream and thought to myself oh it was just a bad dream....then I REALLY woke up and I was like oh right, he really did go.  I still can't fucking believe it.  Do you know why I am writing about this?  Because I feel like it's okay for me to write about the pain of losing a father suddenly out of nowhere but I am not allowed to write about HOW FUCKING HUNGRY I AM FROM THIS JUICE FAST.  Also it was upsetting and how much does my subconscious hate me sometimes?  To fake wake me up and have me think it's a bad dream???  Fuck.  I'm not sure why I feel so gross from this fast this time.  OR no - that's not it....weird.  I feel weird.  Detached.  But not in a good way.  And yesterday, last night,  we were in the house with the blinds shut and it was dark and we were both cold and starving.  It felt like we were crack heads - I was like we are doing this to be healthy??  Sitting in the dark shivering on a Saturday night?  Haha.  We did go out yesterday and go to the park and we went for a walk this morning.  I don't know.  I didn't realize how much of the weekend revolved around food!  Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Choices....

Let's see if I can explain what is happening in my head and heart right now recovery-wise regarding Choices.  It occurred to me this morning that I never or at least I don't remember and I certainly haven't known it lately BUT that I have thought that I don't have Choices when it comes to what my role is when other people are having EMOTIONS and conflict.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I always feel enmeshed with other people and their drama and I think I have to something to control their feelings or what ever but MORE than that - that my reaction to their feeling, my picking up on them and then getting all crazy inside myself - somehow I have to keep those feelings inside myself and I don't have Choices....I can't get up, walk away and get the fuck away from whatever is freaking me out.  OR just even feel my feelings and know I have nothing to do with the drama - I am just sensitive and picking up on the vibrations of what is happening.  DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?  It's all so confusing but what it really is, is that I am responsible for myself and my feelings no matter how they got to me.  And just because someone else is freaking me out doesn't mean that I somehow am now responsible for them.  I have never clearly understood that before.  Or at least at this moment is seems that way.  I just had this interaction last night or I don't even know if you could call it that.....let's call it "Some people were having feelings and those feelings effected me and then I felt like I needed to make it all better even though it had nothing to do with me."  I am like a finely tuned antennae when it comes to people having feelings and once I am tuned in I freak the fuck out and try to control.  It's so weird.  But really one doesn't have anything to do with the other.  I wonder how I can make my antennae less sensitive?  Yeesh.  Anyway that's what's happening right now.  That and the fact that I am SO COLD.  It's sooooooo chilly in here!!!  It's raining and its that time of year where they shut off the heat.  Woo!  Okay anyway I have to go - I have a million things to do, take care of those kids and get to the city to do shows.  Love you Bluebie bye.