Sunday, May 7, 2017

Dream about my father....

I dreamed last night that he went to the doctor and we were at my parents house on the farm.....I jokingly asked if he was going to be okay - if he was going to live and he said they said I am going to die.  He said it surprised a little bit but mostly just matter of fact and maybe a tiny bit - just annoyed?  And then he was gone.  Then I was walking around looking for him and I couldn't believe he died or that he was gone.  I kept thinking to myself  "really just like that he's gone?  He's not here anymore?"  It was awful.  Then I sort of woke up in the dream and thought to myself oh it was just a bad dream....then I REALLY woke up and I was like oh right, he really did go.  I still can't fucking believe it.  Do you know why I am writing about this?  Because I feel like it's okay for me to write about the pain of losing a father suddenly out of nowhere but I am not allowed to write about HOW FUCKING HUNGRY I AM FROM THIS JUICE FAST.  Also it was upsetting and how much does my subconscious hate me sometimes?  To fake wake me up and have me think it's a bad dream???  Fuck.  I'm not sure why I feel so gross from this fast this time.  OR no - that's not it....weird.  I feel weird.  Detached.  But not in a good way.  And yesterday, last night,  we were in the house with the blinds shut and it was dark and we were both cold and starving.  It felt like we were crack heads - I was like we are doing this to be healthy??  Sitting in the dark shivering on a Saturday night?  Haha.  We did go out yesterday and go to the park and we went for a walk this morning.  I don't know.  I didn't realize how much of the weekend revolved around food!  Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

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