Tuesday, May 23, 2017
The anniversary of my father dying is coming up and I am just broken hearted. I feel sick today and just - ugh - upset. How could I not be? I almost started to smile a little bit - maybe? When I wrote that I was upset because OF COURSE I am upset. It's like I'm trying to downplay it or not what? Really say what I am feeling because it seems like I shouldn't be so upset. But I am. I am heart broken and I miss him so much I can't even believe it. There is really something missing from their house and the farm - it's palpable - to me at least the fact that he isn't there. There is a warmth missing now and I can't believe I didn't realize it was his warmth. I feel so fucking sick. I haven't been feeling good since Saturday after I did a 5th step with my AA sponsor. A 5th step is where you tell your sponsor all your resentments and then they pick out your character defects and ITS SO FUN. Jesus I had to fall asleep for 30 minutes after we did it. I wasn't feeling very good after that but this has been creeping up on me that Memorial Day was the last time I saw him and it's just fucking awful. Today it just really hit me and I got so upset. Fuck. This is why people don't feel their feelings - IT HURTS. I really love capitals don't I? Anyway I also feel so lonely. These days at home I often feel so lonely which is confusing because if someone showed up to talk I would feel invaded. I guess I am just not going to feel well that's all. I called the guy this morning because I couldn't stop crying and he was so nice - so kind. He has lost both his parents and has had a long time to heal. I can't believe how wonderful he is and now I am crying again. I am so grateful for him - I tell him all the time - it's just - I don't know. I don't know what the words are but I guess it's such a blessing. I never say that. Ugh barf I feel so sick. Jesus I usually want to eat my feelings but I have actually lost my appetite. That's grief. Haha sort of and barf again. What am I supposed to do? I feel lost. I have a show tonight and I have lost my drive. I am going to write a little bit - maybe if I have a plan I can just stick to that and just - do it. This is life right? I don't know - I miss my father and of course I feel so upset. It's okay.....I don't have to do life perfect today. I don't have to drink or eat my way through this. I can just feel sick and it's okay. That is grief I guess. I miss my mother too - I feel in a way I have somewhat lost her as well....I can't imagine what she's feeling now. Gross. Well this must be fun to read. I wrote that and started to cry. Why? I don't know. Oh God I am so glad I am not drinking or doing drugs - how can you ever process something like that? I guess normal people can - oh fuck - it would take decades to heal from this. Am I masturbating emotionally? Or am I just feeling my feelings? Um I don't know. Hahahahaa - what? Whatver I don't feel good. Love you Bluebie bye.