Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Grief.

The anniversary of my father dying is coming up and I am just broken hearted.  I feel sick today and just - ugh - upset.  How could I not be?  I almost started to smile a little bit - maybe?  When I wrote that I was upset because OF COURSE I am upset.  It's like I'm trying to downplay it or not what?  Really say what I am feeling because it seems like I shouldn't be so upset.  But I am.  I am heart broken and I miss him so much I can't even believe it.  There is really something missing from their house and the farm - it's palpable - to me at least the fact that he isn't there.  There is a warmth missing now and I can't believe I didn't realize it was his warmth.  I feel so fucking sick.  I haven't been feeling good since Saturday after I did a 5th step with my AA sponsor.  A 5th step is where you tell your sponsor all your resentments and then they pick out your character defects and ITS SO FUN.  Jesus I had to fall asleep for 30 minutes after we did it.  I wasn't feeling very good after that but this has been creeping up on me that Memorial Day was the last time I saw him and it's just fucking awful.  Today it just really hit me and I got so upset.  Fuck.  This is why people don't feel their feelings - IT HURTS.  I really love capitals don't I?  Anyway I also feel so lonely.  These days at home I often feel so lonely which is confusing because if someone showed up to talk I would feel invaded.  I guess I am just not going to feel well that's all.  I called the guy this morning because I couldn't stop crying and he was so nice - so kind.  He has lost both his parents and has had a long time to heal.  I can't believe how wonderful he is and now I am crying again.  I am so grateful for him - I tell him all the time - it's just - I don't know.  I don't know what the words are but I guess it's such a blessing.  I never say that.  Ugh barf I feel so sick.  Jesus I usually want to eat my feelings but I have actually lost my appetite.  That's grief.  Haha sort of and barf again.  What am I supposed to do?  I feel lost.  I have a show tonight and I have lost my drive.  I am going to write a little bit - maybe if I have a plan I can just stick to that and just - do it.  This is life right?  I don't know - I miss my father and of course I feel so upset.  It's okay.....I don't have to do life perfect today.  I don't have to drink or eat my way through this.  I can just feel sick and it's okay.  That is grief I guess.  I miss my mother too -  I feel in a way I have somewhat lost her as well....I can't imagine what she's feeling now.  Gross.  Well this must be fun to read.  I wrote that and started to cry.  Why?  I don't know.  Oh God I am so glad I am not drinking or doing drugs - how can you ever process something like that?  I guess normal people can - oh fuck - it would take decades to heal from this.  Am I masturbating emotionally?  Or am I just feeling my feelings?  Um I don't know.  Hahahahaa - what?  Whatver I don't feel good.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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