Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Let's see......years ago - I mean decades ago really - I wanted to live a healthy life. A sober life. This isn't going to make sense completely. I mean I knew I would never be able to be truly happy or fulfilled if I was using and I don't even mean because drugs and alcohol are bad (although they are for me) but because it clouded everything and disconnected me from my Source. Wait for it there's more. Also I just could never - what am I trying to say.....I couldn't keep my thinking and my perception straight and clear. I didn't understand it the way I am beginning to understand it now but as soon as I picked up even one drink my perception became skewed. It was then this tug-of-war all the time with trying to keep my perception from the dark side. I don't think I can really articulate this but I just had an innate desire to live a sober life and I don't just mean free of drugs and alcohol - I mean free of the ism in my head. Also in my heart and soul. I am so grateful today that I have so many tools to help me through the day and allow me to live a mentally sober life. That's it! I wanted to live a sober MENTAL life all those decades ago but I didn't know what that meant. It feels almost pointless in a way - writing this because it's only one day at a time. That's all I have. I can't be like "I am sober now forever!! I have a better brain now!! I changed the grooves in my brain I'm all better!!" I'm not all better. I just have a way of being better today. ISNT THAT FUCKING CRAZY. Holy fuck. What a thing to wrap my alcoholic brain around. Fucking nuts. It's also a relief. I get so ahead of myself and I am not good at managing my time - so to try and figure out the rest of my life is CRAZY TOWN. I feel like this sounds nuts and maybe it does and I don't care. I'm grateful and for today I am so fucking relieved I'm not using. All I have to do is get through today not using. Go to that comedy club and not use. Do my job, hopefully learn something and take myself home. Try not to eat gluten. Haha. Anyway I have to go - love you Bluebie byeee.